Stories about humour
552 Buddhist wisdom stories about humour from Buddhist teachers, each linked to the original talk.
- 3,999,900 haven't died of SARSStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm lands in Singapore at the height of SARS — headline “100 people dead”, heat cameras at the airport ('think cool'). His disciples, who've hired a convention centre for…
- A Buddha to stop bulletsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A long-time supporter of Ajahn Chah, drafted into the Thai army, begs him for a blessed Buddha amulet to protect him from bullets — after all the food and donations he's given.…
- A Buddhist footy team would always loseJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He once imagined a Buddhist footy team vs Christians/Jews/Muslims — but Buddhist principles would mean giving the ball away out of compassion and deliberately missing goals so as…
- A Coke for the lottery numbersStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Resting alone on tudong in the mountains of north-east Thailand, Ajahn Brahm is spotted by a middle-aged woman who disappears and returns ten minutes later to set before him a…
- A hundred cakes and nowhere to sleepStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: For a Serpentine monastery fundraiser, about a hundred home-baked cakes fill the tiny Magnolia Street kitchen. Ajahn Brahm's bedroom is next door; all night he smells fresh cake…
- A meditation question at the urinalStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a long talk and Q&A at the Jockey Club auditorium in Hong Kong, Ajahn Brahm desperately needs the toilet but queues of questioners keep him back, and more grab him as he…
- A monk costs less than a dogStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When monks of the tradition first went to England, supporters worried whether they could afford one. The head of the trust, an economist on the board of the Bank of England,…
- “A question for Mr. Monk”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Arriving late at a Perth radio studio after a Friday talk, Ajahn Brahm only learns once on air that he is co-hosting a two-hour adult-themes show beside Australia's best-known…
- A retreat at DisneyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm taught a 'Kindfulness' meditation retreat in the Disney hotel in Hong Kong. The first night they meditated in the Sleeping Beauty Room — everyone nodded off — so they…
- A sack of wet mashed potatoesAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Simile: a rested mind isn't brittle but soft like a sack of wet mashed potatoes — hit it and it makes no sound, doesn't reverberate. Or like a padded cell: what hits it just goes…
- A terrible retreat — he only got the first jhānaJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A retreatant complains his retreat is terrible because he can only reach the first jhāna, not the second. Ajahn Brahm: one jhāna is more than good enough — a complaining mind…
- “A very good year for romance”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: For Ajahn Brahm's birthday, a kind, wealthy Malaysian ex-lawyer quietly asks his time of birth (about 5:30 p.m., 7 August 1951, UK) and pays one of Australia's best astrologers…
- Aircraft of the future — pilot and dogAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Airline magazine gag: future cockpit has only a pilot and a dog. Pilot's job is to feed the dog; dog's job is to bite the pilot if he touches the controls. Same with the mind —…
- 'Ajahn Brahm said what's done is finished'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: One of the first times he told the 'what's done is finished' story, parents complained the next Sunday that they wouldn't bring their son any more. Their 16-year-old had agreed…
- Ajahn Chah plays at being a monkStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Asked why he ordained, Ajahn Chah tells how, as a poor village boy in north-east Thailand with no toys, games or TV, the children made up games — football, playing houses,…
- Ajahn Chah reads a palmStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A lay supporter asks Ajahn Chah to read his palm. Ajahn Chah says Buddhist monks don't do that. The man argues cleverly: you just taught gratitude, I've fed you and driven you…
- Ajahn Chah stopped breathing — medic takes blood samplesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After Ajahn Chah's stroke, a royal medic freaks when Chah stops breathing for hours. Monks say he's meditating. Compromise: frequent blood samples stay well oxygenated while he…
- Ajahn Chah's Buddhamus — Christmas as peace and loveStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Chah asks what Christmas is about; the Western monks say peace and harmony to all beings. He says why not — and every 25 December comes to celebrate 'Buddhamus' with them…
- Ajahn Chah's cure for sexual fantasiesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A very good monk, a friend from Ajahn Brahm's early years, couldn't stop having sexual fantasies and asked Ajahn Chah how to stop. 'Very easy. Next time there's a public talk,…
- Ajahn Chah's one word of EnglishStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Back from a few weeks in London, Ajahn Chah, who spoke no English, is asked in Thai whether he learned any English words. Yes, one: “cup of tea” — because all day in London…
- Ajahn Ganha patted the mayor's tummyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Serpentine mayor Clem Kentish, neighbour and council head, came in a tight suit to vet the monks for building approval. Before Ajahn Brahm could stop him, Ajahn Ganha walked up…
- Ajahn Singtong came before the chickenStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Young Ajahn Singtong overslept at Ajahn Maha Bua's strict monastery, where missing the morning meeting meant no alms round and no food. He caught a forest chicken, tied a rope…
- 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' at a funeralStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At the funeral Ajahn Brahm conducts for a regular member, Mike Wright, the last piece of music — chosen by Mike, who told his wife — is 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life'…
- An email from beyond the graveStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A dying man in Singapore who had come to love Ajahn Brahm's talks asks to speak with him; his sister gets through and Ajahn Brahm talks with him on a couple of evenings. He dies…
- Angels over NorthbridgeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Lost angels feel landmarks through the clouds: Statue of Liberty (New York), Eiffel Tower (Paris), Taj Mahal (India). Over Northbridge in Perth one has lost his wrist-watch.
- Anicca, Dukkha and Anatta walk into a pubJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Anicca, Dukkha and Anatta walk into a pub. Dukkha says the bar sucks; Anicca says don't worry, it will change; Anatta asks who said that.
- Any hair gel?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Bald monk at customs is asked if he has hair gel; he can't stop laughing; officer waves him through.
- Apologising to the iPhoneStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A supporter hits his failing old iPhone, remembers he is a Buddhist, apologises to it and wishes it peace — and it starts working at once.
- Are you a real Buddhist monk?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On the London Underground a woman sits beside him: are you a Buddhist monk? A real one? He doesn't know what a fake one is — yes, real; she asks about Buddhism.
- “At least I haven't got cancer”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A doctor tells a man he has terminal cancer — and Alzheimer's. “Alzheimer's? Oh, that's not so bad. At least I haven't got cancer.”
- Bachelor / geniusJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: If a man is not married he's called a bachelor; if a woman is not married she's called a genius.
- Bacon and eggsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Wedding joke from his book: the difference between involvement and commitment is like bacon and eggs — the chicken is only involved, the pig is committed. The first time he told…
- Ban beer to save waterJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: During a Western Australian drought he told politicians they should ban beer, because it goes straight through the body and wastes water. Amazingly they didn't think it was a…
- Bangkok walking meditation — my name from miles awayStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On walking meditation in Bangkok years ago, Brahm hears his ordination name Brahmavamso as if from miles away. Paying attention, he finds another monk shouting it into his ear —…
- Banned from being presidentStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm asks a busy businesswoman to become president of the Buddhist Society of Western Australia; she says she has no time. So, 'out of compassion' so she won't feel…
- Bare midriffs in a Melbourne winterStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Giving talks in Melbourne in winter, Ajahn Brahm sees the fashion for halter tops and low-slung jeans leaving about six inches of bare midriff in the cold; he swears some girls'…
- Barefoot in the Korean snowStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After the Pope's visit to South Korea, Korean Buddhists organised a World Meditation Masters gathering, planning seven famous monks (only four came). At the end of February, on…
- Be good — no, that's no funStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Between interviews at a Catholic retreat centre in Safety Bay he watched two middle-aged men leave Sunday service. One said 'be good'; the other answered 'no, that's no fun'. He…
- 'Because you're the principal'Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At the start of term a mother can't get her son out of bed. 'Why do I have to go? The other kids don't like me. The teachers don't like me. No one likes me at that school.' 'You…
- 'Become a monk and I'll cook for you'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In the early years in Perth, before Sister Vayama came, Thai women married to Australians brought delicious food to the two monks. Some husbands complained, 'My wife never cooks…
- Brahn, why? — I don't knowStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Chah calls 'Brahn' and asks why; young monk says I don't know; Chah laughs and offers to tell the answer (wang / empty teaching frame).
- Brown Paper BobJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A rider finds a Wild West town deserted: everyone's gone to the hanging of Brown Paper Bob, an eccentric who wears a brown paper bag for a hat, another for a shirt and another…
- Buddha Air — no seats, just cushionsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Fantasy airline: no seats, sit on cushions, meditate instead of entertainment — twice the passengers, no aisles needed.
- Buddhism and bananasAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: How do you peel a banana correctly? Go to the experts — not monks, monkeys. A monkey never peels a banana at the stalk; it peels from the flower end, which is much easier (try it…
- Buddhism in a minuteStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Singapore gentleman asks Ajahn Brahm to teach him what Buddhism is — he has only a minute before work. Challenged, Brahm answers: suffering is asking from life what it cannot…
- Bungee jumping looked like tortureStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At Adventure World Bibra Lake he first sees bungee jumping and thinks it is how interrogators throw people from helicopters — yet people pay for the thrill.
- “But I'm alive — it was my husband who died!”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a funeral Ajahn Brahm eulogises the wrong parent; the very-much-alive mother stands up at the back to correct him.
- Calendar method — odd days she is rightJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Marriage-harmony joke: on odd days of the month the wife is always right; on even days the husband is. No need to argue — check the calendar. Fair, fair, as they say in Indonesia.
- Cambridge Botanical Gardens — first bamboo clumpStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Student days near Baitman Street, Cambridge: first day in the Botanical Gardens he finds a bamboo clump so beautiful he stares 10–15 minutes, invents 'sensuous, soft and slender,…
- Can I ask a meditation question — in the toilet?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a long Jockey Club auditorium talk and an hour of book-signing he finally reaches the gents; a man washing his hands turns: Ajahn Brahm, can I ask you a question on…
- Can I have a pineapple, please?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At poor Wat Pah Pong, requisites were kept in a big water jar and you asked Ajahn Chah for what you needed. Needing soap, the new monk asks in his halting Thai — but mixes up the…
- Can I play for the other side?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In his last ever soccer match, for his Cambridge college, the other team turns up with only nine players against eleven. By half-time his side is about six-nil up, so he asks his…
- “Can meditation teach you to fly over walls?”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On his first prison visit, at the old Canning Vale jail, over a hundred of about 110 prisoners crowd in to learn meditation; inspired, Ajahn Brahm gives his best. Ten minutes in,…
- Cattamalo's real worry about the tsunamiStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm is in Penang (he first says Phuket) when the 2004 tsunami hits. Afterwards he learns that his second monk Ajahn Cattamalo had been ringing frantically — not so much…
- Caught with his trousers down in the bushfireStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An Iranian ex-Muslim convert (named Muhammad, barred from a KL Buddhist talk, renamed in Australia) was at Bodhinyana in the 1991 fire; while evacuating he somehow stopped to…
- Chanting brought the Dhammasara price downStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Looking at a noisy 38-acre option for the nuns, they notice a 583-acre property of solitude nearby. Against the fear they cannot afford it, they look anyway. An hour before the…
- Chicken or duck?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A newly married couple walking home from the temple hear 'quack quack'. She says, 'Darling, that's a chicken.' He says it's a duck — chickens go cock-a-doodle-doo. They argue…
- Chicken-shit currency — Ajahn Chah's predictionAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Chah predicts future currency will be pellets of chicken shit — bosses earn the most shit, IMF becomes International Manure Fund, governments promise more shit — value is what we…
- Christopher Nightingale and the tin-can bombStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At age ten, Ajahn Brahm and his chemistry-wizard friend Christopher Nightingale make a bomb in a tin can and set it off in the local park. The park keeper catches them. He…
- Club Med versus Club MeditationAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone shows him a Club Med holiday schedule packed with yoga, scuba, activities and a nightclub — exhausting. He contrasts it with 'Club Meditation' at Serpentine, where the…
- Coffee with a control freakAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone invites you for coffee then dictates Gloria Jeans not Dome, latte not cappuccino, Anzac biscuit not muffin, back seats not front, politics not Buddhism, exactly 90…
- Complaining about the wallStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Walking from his mother's flat in London to give a talk, Ajahn Brahm passed two young men waiting for a bus, sitting on a wall topped with rounded bricks and complaining that…
- Coralie wrestled him into a funeral hugStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At Clem Kentish's funeral his daughter Coralie (farm girl who wrestled sheep) insisted on hugging the monk despite the rule; he said no — she said yes — and he had no chance.
- Cough once, get eight bottles of medicineStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Once in Australia Ajahn Brahm coughs at the start of a talk. By the end there are eight or nine bottles in front of him — Ayurvedic, homeopathic, 'horrible but you must take…
- Cough straight awayAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Simile: if you feel like coughing while meditating, cough straight away. Suppress it, and when the cough finally comes it's like a volcano going off and disturbs everybody. So…
- Crunchy frog and the bladder on the riceStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Early Thai forest austerity: Monty Python 'crunchy frog' becomes real — sticky rice and spoon-sized boiled frogs, then a whole toad on rice. Biology class pays off: he avoids the…
- Daddy, what does tax mean?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A businesswoman aunt in Sydney who hated paying tax dies; soon after, the nephew's baby is born. At three, seeing a tax billboard on a NSW motorway, the child asks what tax…
- Darwin crows only die under trucksJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On the Darwin highway the only roadkill noticed is crows — and only under trucks and buses, never sedans. The rumour checks out as true.
- Death us do part — see you in heavenJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Devoted couple reunite in heaven; he refuses her — the ceremony said death us do part, and they are dead now.
- Declining Amnesty International's dinnerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Invited by Amnesty International to speak at a dinner for an anniversary of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Ajahn Brahm declines: a monk can't eat in the evening, so…
- Depression privileges — a third bowl of ice creamJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He tells a depressed man not to advertise recovery too soon — wife and boss will put him back to work. The man later reports: when depressed he got two bowls of ice cream; if he…
- Dixon of Dock Green vs the new cop showStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visiting his mother in London after seven years without TV, he watches a half-hour cop show with her and counts about a dozen people shot dead. He can't believe it: the police…
- 'Do you know a famous monk called Ajahn Brahm?'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Trying to avoid pride, Ajahn Brahm sits incognito at the back of a Buddhist conference in Vietnam. A Vietnamese monk sits beside him to practise his English: who are you, where…
- Do you know Ajahn Brahm? — asked on Adam's PeakStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: WA politician Mike Nahan told a BSWA gathering that climbing Adam's Peak (Sri Pada) in Sri Lanka, his guide asked who he was; when he said a WA minister, the guide asked: do you…
- “Doctor Buddha's orders”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A new Buddhist refuses a drink at a work party — 'I'm a Buddhist' — and a colleague replies that Buddhism is all about letting go, so let go and have a beer; caught out, he…
- 'Doctor, have you got anything for worms?'Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A hypochondriac has every fashionable disease — each COVID variant, then monkeypox — and keeps visiting his doctor, who finally loses patience and shouts: you're healthy, don't…
- Doctor, there's something right with me — I'm sickJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Instead of 'there's something wrong with me, doctor', say there's something right with me — I'm sick again. Sickness is the body responding; cultural shame makes it worse. He…
- Doctor, there's something right with me — I'm sickStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He teaches that sickness is normal; students then walk into Perth surgeries saying 'Doctor, there's something right with me — I'm sick' — doctors recognise Namara/Buddhist…
- Dog poo under the mango treeAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Simile: walking home from the temple you tread in dog poo. Don't scrape it off; take it home and scrape it off under your mango tree. A year later the mangoes are sweeter — and…
- 'Dogs don't have money'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Near the US base by Ubon, around the end of the Vietnam War, an African-American soldier rides a rickshaw into town. Drunk friends of the driver shout from a bar, 'Where are you…
- “Donald, duck!”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An assassin pulls a gun on Donald Trump; the Secret Service shout “Donald, duck!” — and the gunman can't pull the trigger, he's too busy laughing.
- Dr Yi Fa the 'Hinayana'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In Bangkok Ajahn Brahm banters with Mahayana nun Dr Yi Fa (Fo Guang Shan, San Diego): when will she train disciples? He has monks at the monastery — so she is the selfish…
- Dress code: long dressStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm is invited to a state dinner with Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip at Parliament House at the time of the Melbourne Commonwealth Games, under John Howard. He can't…
- Drowned in his own teepeeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Native American migrates to Perth and loves Sri Lankan tea so much that one day he drinks too much and drowns in his own tea-pee.
- Drunken karaoke on Christmas night in PenangStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Teaching a retreat in Penang, Ajahn Brahm is kept awake on Christmas night by a karaoke party across the road. Fine, he says — but by midnight, drunk, the singers think they're…
- Dying peacefully like Dad (the bus-driver joke)Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A comedian wants to die peacefully in his sleep like his father — unlike the screaming passengers on the bus his father was driving.
- Easier for rich BuddhistsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a talk to the Chinese Chamber of Commerce in WA, a wealthy business audience asks about Jesus' saying that it's harder for a rich man to enter heaven than for a camel to pass…
- Economy class was paradiseStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After seven years in austere forest monasteries he flies Bangkok–London on a cheap Philippine Airlines economy fare. He can't believe the luxury: a chair, ripe Western fruit, ice…
- Engine running in NorthbridgeStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a day out on business, a driver takes Ajahn Brahm to a Northbridge shop for 'the best pies in Perth' (just okay, he says — the only pies he doesn't like are magpies).…
- Enlightenment by teatimeStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At his first Vesak, with the Cambridge University Buddhist group, 18-year-old Brahm hears how the Buddha vowed under the Bodhi tree not to move even if his blood dried up and his…
- Exams kill by degreesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Cambridge graffiti outside the Cavendish Physics lab: 'Exams kill by degrees' — study aimed at the credential kills curiosity for its own sake.
- Face to face with a tiger — in the zooJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Asked about jungle stories, Ajahn Brahm says he once stood four feet from a huge tiger and was not scared at all — because the tiger was in the zoo, behind bars.
- Fat bottoms polish the temple floorsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Joke about why temple floors in Asia and at Serpentine's Dhamma hall shine: centuries of people fidgeting on the floor — every fat bottom is a polish pad.
- Father and son who couldn't remember whyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Blessing a house in Brisbane, Ajahn Brahm learns the father and his eldest son haven't spoken or seen each other for seven years. He has the younger son phone his brother,…
- Feeding the mosquitoesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Bitten all night in an Indonesian hotel room, Ajahn Brahm reframes the mosquitoes as recipients of his dana: laypeople feed him every day, so tonight he feeds the mosquitoes,…
- Fifty strokes of the catStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A new postulant confesses to secretly making an afternoon sandwich and, refusing Ajahn Brahm's gentle advice, insists on a penance or he'll do it again. Fresh from reading 'The…
- First night at Bodhinyana, under a treeStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On his first night at the Serpentine land that became Bodhinyana, Ajahn Brahm's bed was an old door — but he couldn't find it. The batteries in his torch gave out, and after…
- Five Angels in the fifth raceJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Perth man dreams that five angels each give him five pots of gold. At breakfast his wife has made five pieces of toast and five boiled eggs; it's the 5th of May; Ascot has five…
- Five fingers arguing who is most importantAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Fable: five fingers argue supremacy — mirror of egos asking who matters most in the Buddhist society.
- Food for the dogs — the first Westerner on alms roundStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In a remote Thai village where no one had seen a Westerner, villagers stare so hard while offering food that it falls outside his bowl and the dogs eat it.
- Form is emptiness — the empty platterJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A hungry wandering Zen monk is sent to a famous restaurant owned by a generous Buddhist woman. She will feed him, but first he must teach some Dhamma so she knows he's a real…
- Free coffee for meditating by the corpseJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In Thailand, where people fear ghosts and fresh corpses, the young Western monk announces he will meditate beside a body and is plied with coffee by impressed monks — so he keeps…
- Fremantle just won — Dopey must be aliveJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Snow White finds a mine collapse; silence to 'are you okay?' Then she tries 'Fremantle just won the Grand Final' — one dwarf yells yay. At least Dopey is alive.
- French copper wires under ParisJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Telecom conference: French claim ancient copper under Paris; English one-up with older bronze under London; US won't be outdone.
- From Perth Airport uncertainty to a Rolls-Royce in ArmadaleStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A visiting monk arrived at Perth Airport without saying which day, started walking, and within ~50 metres got a lift to Serpentine. The same monk later rode to the Armadale group…
- Funeral chants at a weddingStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Too tired, Ajahn Brahm starts the chanting for funerals instead of a wedding blessing — and once you start you can't stop. He never tells them; they're still happily married. The…
- Funeral subcommittee while still healthyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Buddhist society starts a subcommittee for his funeral arrangements while he feels fine — he reframes age as 900 months and wants a celebration, not fear.
- Gambling? With whom?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Buddhist monk, a Christian priest and a rabbi meet for interfaith friendship; tea turns to cards, cards to gambling, and they're arrested. The judge asks the priest if he was…
- Garfield appeared in the nimittaStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In deep cave meditation a pure yellow nimitta arises — then he notices its form is Garfield the cat from a comic he had seen earlier. He bursts out laughing and the sit ends. He…
- Gave away the furniture to a young coupleStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Before ordination he gives a young recently-married couple his expensive furniture for free — they look at each other thinking him mad; he is off to become a monk and does not…
- George Burns on worryingJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At 96, comedian George Burns still stays out at nightclubs, drinks whisky, smokes and eats fatty food. Asked if he isn't worried about his lifestyle: “No, my wife was worried…
- Get your wife to cancel if you're deadJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man needing an operation is told the earliest slot is in three months; he protests he might be dead by then. The doctor says don't worry — just get your wife to ring the…
- Ghost stories on the walk to the graveStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Chinese burial in Kolkata Cemetery he kills ten minutes walking with an elderly funeral director and asks for ghost stories — she has heaps, treating cemetery ghosts as…
- Giving up tea for three monthsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: People told Ajahn Brahm he was addicted to tea. So he decided to give it up for the three-month Rains Retreat. The monks begged him not to: another monk had tried it and was 'a…
- Goat for dinnerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A mother-in-law coming to dinner asks her grandson what's on the menu. 'Goat,' he says — he overheard his father telling his uncle on the phone, 'We're having the old goat for…
- God didn't recognise himJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man who can't find a partner is told by a psychologist to get a sharp suit, a proper haircut, his teeth straightened and a personality coach. At huge cost he does it all. On…
- Green velvet jeans at the Isle of WightStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Going to the 1970 Isle of Wight rock festival, young Ajahn Brahm wears green velvet jeans to be rebellious and individual — and finds thousands of others in green velvet jeans:…
- Hägar: 'Why me?' — 'Why not!'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In a Hägar the Horrible cartoon, Hägar is shipwrecked on an island in a storm. He looks up at the sky: 'God! Why me?' And God roars back: 'Why not!'
- Hahayana — the book title that stuckStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Idea for a joke book combining Hinayana/Mahayana/Vajrayana into Hahayana — title first, book maybe never; the laugh is the teaching.
- Halloween on the London UndergroundStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: His brother puts him on the Tube toward the London Buddhist Society. The carriage fills with vampires, witches and ghosts — it is Halloween. For the first time in robes on the…
- Happytitis — very contagiousAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Analogy/joke: not hepatitis — happytitis; stay long enough and you catch it.
- 'Have you got any brains?'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The wife of Keith, an early Buddhist Society member, found a recipe calling for lamb's brains and went to the butcher. At the counter she looked at the man and asked, 'Have you…
- Hawaiian shirts at funeralsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Early Perth funerals are all black; he wants funeral directors in Hawaiian shirts — kids arrive full of life then learn sadness from black clothes and faces.
- He didn't have a leg to stand onJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A motorcyclist's wrong leg is amputated; they take the other too. He sues and loses — he didn't have a leg to stand on.
- He forgot to pre-program coming outStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Eastern-states monk leads a 9-day retreat; after first sit he never opens his eyes — yogis go to bed, chant, eat around him. He sits eight days without toilet/food/drink; emerges…
- He likes solitude — monastery code for a troublemakerStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a senior monk he got transfer letters from other monasteries with coded praise: 'likes solitude' meant he can't get on with anybody; 'very good worker' meant he can't…
- He offered me a job at the Melbourne Comedy ClubStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a Melbourne talk a TV comedian came up and said he could get Brahm a job at the Melbourne Comedy Club. Brahm declined — he'd keep his day job as a monk. Nested in a Robin…
- He pats the monastery carStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Other monks can't start the car; he pats it, says kind words, pulls the starter — it works. Treat the tired car like a being that came through hot weather to the temple.
- He renamed his sons Buddha, Dhamma and SanghaJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A once-a-year 'Vesak Buddhist' businessman hears that thinking of Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha at death guarantees heaven, so he legally renames his three sons that — until on his…
- He sang The Sound of Silence for $10,000Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A sponsor offered a $10,000 cheque for the nuns' monastery if Ajahn Brahm would sing. Monks don't sing — and he can't — so he chose Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence,…
- He thought the Lazy Boy was heavenStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A person dies and is reborn in a soft Lazy Boy armchair and thinks this must be heaven. After hours, then days, sitting there becomes sore and he asks if he can sit somewhere…
- 'He was a leader in his field'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: People told Ajahn Brahm about a co-worker who never criticised or said anything bad about anyone. Annoyed, they decided to test him: what did he think about Adolf Hitler? He…
- “He's not my husband, he's my dad”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Malaysian retreat a young woman does all the talking in an interview while the quiet man beside her listens. Ajahn Brahm asks if that's her husband; both burst out laughing…
- Heads I marry himStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At Oslo University a young woman asks how to make a really important decision. To make it concrete, he suggests: suppose you were deciding whether to marry the boy sitting next…
- Health food kept me out of heavenJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: First funeral joke: couple die close together; angel shows eternal reward — mansion, TV where your team always wins, Chanel flush, Lamborghini. Husband explodes at wife: her…
- Hell will freeze over — Freo wonJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two Fremantle labourers enjoy hotter and hotter hell (Pilbara, SE Asia); devil freezes it — they cheer: resolution was hell freezes over before Freo wins the cup — so Freo must…
- Hey Hare Krishna — and he was oneStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Shopping with his mother on Ealing Broadway, someone shouts 'Hey Hare Krishna!' Embarrassed for mum, he educates the beanie-wearing heckler that he is a Buddhist monk — then the…
- Holy water by the bucket — then she sold itStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Thai member Poonsup Wong, always sick, asks Ajahn Brahm for holy water by the 11-litre bucket each week. A Chinese man later rings wanting to buy it 'direct from source, cheap' —…
- Holy water from Lourdes — “Another miracle!”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Returning from pilgrimage to Lourdes, a Catholic traveller's bags contain two Johnnie Walker bottles; he insists it's holy water carried in old whisky bottles. The sceptical…
- Hopeful a burglar might leave us somethingStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In a tiny London council flat, young Brahm asks why they don't lock the door. Father: not afraid of burglars — hopeful one might take pity and leave something.
- “How about the Holy Ghost, then?”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Being shown around the creaky old Benedictine abbey at New Norcia, Ajahn Brahm teases Abbot Placid by asking if there are ghosts. “No, no, Ajahn, we don't believe in ghosts.” —…
- How many seconds in a year?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After walking through 60/60/24/365, the answer is 12: the 2nd of January, February, March…
- How the ice-cream cone was inventedStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At the 1908 (he hedges the year) St Louis World's Fair, an ice-cream stall sat next to a waffle stall. After a couple of weeks the vendors became friends, combined their…
- How to be happy — no one is happyJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A self-help cartoon: open the book How to Be Happy and it says 'no one is happy — next question'. The reader hugs it with a huge smile — that's the secret.
- “I always wanted to become a monk — but not now!”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a 2,000-strong talk in Singapore, a man challenges what a monk could know about real-world stress. Ajahn Brahm gives an hour-by-hour account of his day from 4 a.m. — hospital…
- I can't believe how much my father has grownJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Mark Twain (as Brahm tells it) runs away at ~18, returns years later and writes with satire that he can't believe how much his father has grown — meaning Twain had changed, not…
- I can't openerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? I can't opener.
- “I can't understand Thai ghosts”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At an open-air cremation in Thailand (of Ajahn Chah's brother, he thinks) all the monks leave as soon as the chanting ends. The young Ajahn Brahm says he'll go and sit by the…
- 'I claim my prize!'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Sujato (he thinks) tells him: walking through Sydney in his robes, he is stopped by a man claiming his prize. A radio station is running a promotion — catch the guy in the…
- I demand my right to bow to JesusStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Invited with Chaplain Canon Frank Sheehan to Christ Church Grammar School's morning assembly, the devout Christian principal tells Ajahn Brahm he need not bow to the statue of…
- “I feel like a newborn baby”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: One old man complains that ageing is terrible — aches everywhere, can't do what he used to. His friend of the same age says it's wonderful: he feels like a newborn baby. How? “No…
- 'I know all about it'Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A boy tells his teacher 'I know all about it' — she gives him $5 not to tell the headmistress. A friend explains: say it to anyone and they'll pay up. His mum gives him $10 not…
- I know your little secretJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A boy learns a pocket-money trick: tell sister 'I know your little secret' and collect $20; try Mum for $50; Dad for $100. Monday morning he tries the milkman — who puts down the…
- I lied about my age — I told her I was 90Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Seventy-year-old marries a young woman; friend asks if he lied about his age — yes: he said he was ninety.
- “I never argued with anyone”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A fit 90-year-old says the secret of his long life is that he never argued with anyone. “That can't be right,” says the interviewer. “Ah… I agree with you.”
- “I never expected to see you in here”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Feeling awful and waiting at the local doctor's surgery, Ajahn Brahm is greeted by a friend from the temple: “I never expected to see you in here.” As if he were in a brothel or…
- I noted jewelry going out, going out, going outJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Joke about a meditator whose house is burgled: he was very mindful — noted burglar going in, jewelry going out, safe going out — but never responded. Mindfulness needs a response…
- 'I sent you two boats and a helicopter'Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In a flood in southern Malaysia, a monk devoted to Kwan Yin, the goddess of mercy, climbs onto his roof. A rescue boat comes: 'No, Kwan Yin will save me.' As the water rises he…
- I think I'm enlightened — I don't feel myselfJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Monk wakes claiming enlightenment because he 'didn't feel himself' — Fennel Chan / anattā punchline.
- 'I thought you couldn't talk'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When he first came to Perth, Ajahn Brahm was the second monk; Ajahn Jagaro gave all the talks while he sat silently beside him for months. When Jagaro went to Thailand for a few…
- I want happiness — scrub I, scrub wantJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Cartoon: angry man brings a monk a sign 'I want happiness'. Monk scrubs out the I (let go of self), then scrubs out want (craving), and holds up the remaining word: happiness.
- I want to be a dog next lifeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Man wants rebirth as a dog: no boss, lie around, good food, free health care — only job is walking the owner once or twice a day.
- 'I would'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Asked in Q&A what he's been most afraid of: at a friend's wedding reception while at Cambridge, the 19- or 20-year-old lads joke about who'll marry next. Pointing at his friend…
- I'll explain patience tomorrowJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a China retreat someone asks him to explain the importance of patience. He says he will let them know tomorrow.
- I'll only go to work on FridaysAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man works hard Monday to Thursday with no paycheque, thinks of quitting, is forced in by his wife, then gets paid on Friday and decides to work only on Fridays thereafter — not…
- I'm 888 months oldStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Bored of turning 74, he counts age in months — 888 — an auspicious number in Singapore, and jokes about number plates.
- “I'm doing nothing — and I'm not finished yet”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone asks the monk to come and chant to bust a ghost in their house. “Sorry, I'm busy.” “Doing what?” “Nothing.” They call again the next day; he's still busy doing nothing.…
- I'm leaving — with five Singapore dollarsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Singapore psychotherapist recognises his leaving-home story: at six she packed a suitcase, got five dollars, and her busy mother told her to get her own lunch.
- 'I'm marrying your best friend tomorrow'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Dennis, the Buddhist Society's marriage celebrant, came home and told his wife, 'I'm marrying your friend Janice tomorrow.' 'You're married to me — you can't marry my best…
- 'I'm only going to tell you this once'Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a suicide-bomber training camp, on the last lesson the instructor gathers the recruits: 'I'm now going to demonstrate the suicide vest, so please listen carefully, because I'm…
- I'm talking to the duckJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Wife calls out whether tonight's dinner should be chicken, lamb or beef. Husband answers 'Chicken, dear.' She replies she wasn't talking to him — she was talking to the duck.
- I'm the treasurer — I can squeeze five more dropsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Northbridge pub an ex-Olympic wrestler offered free drinks to anyone who could squeeze five more drops from a lemon he had already crushed. Bikies, boxers and footballers…
- 'I've been underneath him all my life'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After interring a man's ashes in the wall around Bodhinyana Monastery, Ajahn Brahm jokingly asked his elderly Malaysian Chinese widow whether he should reserve the place…
- I've been waiting for you for hours — get outStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Five years a monk, walking without lifts, Ajahn Brahm asks Ajahn Suwat for a cave toward Sakon Nakhon and is warned of a ghost that drove monks mad. A villager leaves him at a…
- I've lived in this castle 300 yearsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Tourist asks castle guide if he's seen a ghost; never, in all his time there — how long? 300 years. He was the ghost.
- “If my daughter didn't have those faults…”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A newly married man tells his father-in-law that everything his bride does is charming — even how she cleans wax from her ear. The father-in-law warns that in a year or two he'll…
- If she looks at you again, go for itStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At about fourteen he asked his father how to find a girlfriend. Dad said: if a girl looks at you once you don't know; if she looks at you again she likes you — go for it.
- If they flush the holy book — call a plumberStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After Guantanamo Quran-flushing news, someone asks what he would do if a Buddhist holy book were flushed. First answer: call a plumber. Then: you can flush the book or blow up…
- Imprisoned in a six-star hotelStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a conference tour in Japan, his hosts put Ajahn Brahm in what he later hears was a six-star hotel room. He's afraid to touch the taps of the big bath and jacuzzi, can't watch…
- In Laos, war stops for lunchStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A monk friend, in Luang Prabang during the war between the communists and royalists, is eating lunch at a bamboo-and-thatch restaurant beside government soldiers whose M16s lean…
- “In the building trade we call it a feature”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After Ajahn Brahm tells the two-bad-bricks story at the Cancer Support Association, a builder reassures him professionals make the same mistakes — and shares the trade secret:…
- In the loving arms of another man's wifeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm 'confesses' that he spent some of the most wonderful times of his life in the loving arms of another man's wife: they kissed, hugged, loved each other. It was his…
- In Vietnam Adam would have eaten the snakeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Archbishop Roger Herft's joke: if Eden had been in China or Vietnam there would have been no Fall — Adam would have eaten the snake, not the apple (snakes are on the menu).
- Income: nilStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Renewing his low-income health care card, Ajahn Brahm writes 'Nil' in every income box. The first time, the office wrote back asking him to explain how he supported himself:…
- Insure the house — live in a prisonJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Sydney man told to cut insurance premiums with screens, cameras and bars until home feels like prison — punchline setup for finding another way.
- Interviewed on shipping because he had nothing to doStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a transport conference with minister Alannah MacTiernan he skips the late lunch; a reporter interviews him on shipping simply because he is hanging around doing nothing —…
- IQ and thongsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Vietnamese-Australian comedian's joke: as a schoolboy he asked his dad what IQ meant. 100 is average, 120 intelligent, 140 university; 80 you'll struggle; 'and if you've only…
- It was only a coughStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm coughs; within days the rumour spreads that he is dying of some terrible disease and people ask whether it is terminal. It was only a cough.
- It wasn't the flag or the wind — your mouths were movingJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two monks argue whether the flag or the wind is moving; a Zen master says their minds are moving. Unsatisfied, they ask a Theravada forest ajahn, who says they are all wrong: it…
- “It's about time you took the pansil”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a young man who has been visiting a temple for some time, he's taken aside by a monk: it's about time he 'took the pansil'. Not knowing what that was, he hears the five…
- 'It's nice to cry'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A woman who comes to the Buddhist Society told Ajahn Brahm about her mother, who went every week to Chinese tear-jerkers in which boy meets girl but never gets her — the family…
- It's not the cough that carries you offJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Mother's line: it's not the cough that carries you off — it's the coffin they carry you off in.
- “It's only fat” — “Same thing”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Travelling through the US with only his one small bag, a customs officer asks where the rest of his baggage is, then what's under his robe — a suicide belt? He opens his robe:…
- Jack Kornfield waited outside Elizabeth ArdenStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Jack Kornfield back in the US still in robes visits his sister; she is in Elizabeth Arden; he sits outside in the chairs waiting — Westerner in robes amid the beauty salon.
- Jamaica drive-in needed a concrete screenStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visitor to a Jamaican drive-in wonders why the screen is thick concrete; locals shoot along with cops-and-robbers / Westerns — cloth screens kept getting shot up, so the owner…
- Jimmy Hendrix cured the student coldStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a student with a terrible cold he puts on music he loves (Jimmy Hendrix); excitement and joy make the cold feel totally gone — happiness as medicine (COVID gag nested).
- Joke: everything hurtsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man tells the doctor his whole body hurts: he touches his head, it hurts; his nose, his mouth, his belly, his elbow, his knees, his feet — all hurt. 'I know your problem,' says…
- Joke: four monks with a vow of silenceJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Four monks take a vow of silence. One sneezes. The first says, 'Bless you.' The second says, 'You've just broken your vow of silence.' The third says, 'Ha ha, so have you.' The…
- Joke: round the meditation menuJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A beginner on retreat can't do breath meditation, so he teaches them anapanasati; that's too hard, so metta; then loving kindness; then insight; then vipassana; then letting go;…
- Joke: the famous-quotations testJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An American high-school teacher offers to let anyone who identifies a famous quotation go home early. 'Who said "I have a dream"?' Ahmed answers Martin Luther King and goes home.…
- Joke: the tortoises escapedJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After one of his retreats, a student goes back to his job at Perth Zoo so peaceful he can barely walk or talk. The head keeper puts him in charge of the tortoise enclosure. At…
- Joke: the young man who couldn't keep a jobJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Friends find a bright but jobless young man work as a waiter; he quits after half a day — serving delicious food he can't eat is torture. They make him the cashier, out of sight…
- Joke: tickets for the policemen's ballJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A New South Wales policeman pulls over a speeding woman driver. She asks if he's stopped her to sell her a ticket for the policemen's ball. 'Policemen don't have balls,' he…
- Judy and Richard Gere in DharamsalaStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Judy, a BSWA member, goes to Dharamsala hoping to interview the Dalai Lama. Meditating one morning she glances at who sat next to her: Richard Gere. Single, she cannot stop…
- Juggling machetes for the policeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Police find machetes in a man's car; he says he juggles them in the circus, so they make him prove it. As he expertly juggles them by the roadside, a driver behind thinks: “Hope…
- Just add water — baby powderJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Before the Berlin Wall fell, a man from communist Eastern Europe walks into his first Western supermarket: milk powder + water = milk; mashed-potato powder + water = potatoes;…
- Keep your hands off — I'm on workers' compensationJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An Englishman, a Singaporean and an Australian buy Jesus beers in a pub. Jesus heals the Singaporean's migraine and the Englishman's indigestion. The Australian backs away: 'Keep…
- Kissed on the nose by an emuStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An anagarika sitting calmly with eyes open at Jhana Grove is approached by a wild emu that has never seen a human so still. It puts its beak on his nose — almost a kiss — then…
- Knocking in the coffin — the monks jumped firstStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Thai lady who comes on Tuesdays says an old woman in her village was in the coffin ready for cremation when knocking began. The monks jumped away first; most others fled; they…
- Lakshmi's knitted socks on Friday nightStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Before a Friday talk Lakshmi gave him hand-knitted socks he rarely wears; he put them on anyway, and during the talk she delighted that he was wearing her socks — kindness making…
- Late-night Thai TV in BangkokStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After flying Perth–Bangkok from a 3.30 a.m. start, Ajahn Brahm is scheduled for a 10.30 p.m. live Thai TV interview. Nested: the Perth Thai talk hearers thought was Pali. On air…
- Laughing when you hit your headStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a young monk in Thailand, Ajahn Brahm travelled to ceremonies in the back of a ute under a tarpaulin stretched over a metal frame. On the pot-holed dirt roads, every bump…
- LAX bomb scare — LAPD with machine gunsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Los Angeles airport bomb scare wakes him better than coffee; Canadian-terminal walk; LAPD car screeches up with sirens; cops emerge with semi-automatics — not for him.
- Londoners laughed at the robesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Walking London streets in robes; strangers laugh at his appearance before he understands why — until he turns a corner and sees himself as they do.
- 'Look out, behind you!'Analogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Simile from his pre-monk cinema days: in a horror film someone in the audience always shouts 'Look out, behind you!' at a monster on the screen — or a husband shouts 'Kick the…
- Looking for the perfect partnerStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A rich, gorgeous, double-first graduate decides he's so perfect he must marry the most perfect girl. In Sydney he finds a magazine-cover beauty, but she can't cook. In Melbourne…
- Loose robes at the yacht clubStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a talk on Buddhism to Perth executives at a yacht/boat club, a woman who grew up in a Catholic convent tells Ajahn Brahm that his constantly falling-off loose robes are a…
- Mahinda's mango-tree riddleStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He says the first monk in Sri Lanka (Mahinda) tested the king with a riddle about a mango tree and other mangoes — answered correctly, so Buddhism stayed; Brahm jokes Australia…
- “Make him fall in love again — then divorce him”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Singapore woman, convinced her husband has a mistress, tells a marriage counsellor she just wants a divorce. The counsellor asks: if you divorce him now, will he be happy or…
- Make-up before the cathedral sermonStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The Dean of St George's Cathedral, Perth, invites Ajahn Brahm to give the Sunday eucharist sermon — the first time, the Dean says, a non-Christian has given the Sunday sermon in…
- Mango orchard planted by the BuddhaAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: First-year monk puzzled — no mango trees at Wat Pah Pong. Ajahn Chah: the monastery is a mango orchard planted by the Buddha himself, trees full of ripe sweet mangoes. Brahm…
- Marquee or wigwam: 'You're too tense'Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man tells his psychologist: some days he's sure he's a marquee; other days he's sure he's a wigwam. The psychologist thinks, then says: 'I know your problem. You're too tense.'
- May you get whatever you want as soon as you want itStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Middle-Eastern friend: second-worst curse is fleas of a thousand camels in your armpits; worst is getting whatever you want immediately.
- Meditate in the restroomAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In the US toilets are called restrooms. When tired or stressed, find an empty cubicle and meditate. If the boss asks why you were twenty minutes, say you were constipated —…
- Meditating mum — knife and gas threatsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Armadale Tuesday-night mum of a four- and six-year-old sits anyway. Kids climb, demand water, pull hair; then escalate: Johnny has a kitchen knife, Julianne turned on the gas.…
- Milk for the vegan catStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Years ago, while vegetarian, Ajahn Brahm stays in a house whose owners are trying to make their cat vegan, feeding it soy milk. When they aren't looking, he slips the cat some…
- Miso soup against the bombStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When Ajahn Brahm first came to Perth in the early 1980s, many feared nuclear war between the US and the Soviet Union; there were films about it. His predecessor Ajahn Jagaro made…
- Mistaken for a circus clownStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Walking with his cousin through Stoke-on-Trent one Sunday morning, robed Ajahn Brahm notices people pointing and laughing more than usual — then turns a corner to a big…
- Mixed vegetables at the autopsyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When the monks are allowed to watch an autopsy, the Scottish pathologist opens the stomach to find peas and carrots and quips that it's just like the floor of a Glasgow bus on a…
- Money or wisdom?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Gandhi's law professor asks him: if you found two bags in the street, one of money and one of wisdom, and could take only one, which would you take? Gandhi: 'The money.' 'That's…
- Monk at Centrelink: prove you existStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Applying for a Commonwealth seniors card, Ajahn Brahm is asked to prove who he is. Forty-three years of trying to find out who he is, he says — 'not metaphysically', they reply.…
- Monk uncle spoils the brother's parenting lectureStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visiting as 'monk uncle', Brahm's niece and nephews ask what Dad was like young; he starts listing his brother's childhood misdeeds. The brother walks in furious — he is trying…
- Most humble monk in the Guinness BookJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He jokes about writing to Guinness to be listed as the most humble monk in the world — an oxymoron he loves.
- Mouse-to-mouse resuscitationJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in a car accident; Minnie is badly injured, but Mickey saves her life. How? Mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
- Mr Bear's third wishJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A magic duck grants a bear and a rabbit three wishes each to stop chasing. The bear wishes all other male bears away (then all males in the world); the rabbit wishes for a crash…
- Mr Howard — the jolly maths teacherStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: School maths head Mr Howard never scolds; laughs with students; praises them when they catch his board mistakes — Brahm credits him for love of maths and positive thinking.
- Mr Jones — afternoon off for WembleyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Scary disciplinarian primary teacher Mr Jones. Dad has two World Cup England–Poland tickets at Wembley and lunch with Brahm; the boy asks for the afternoon off — totally against…
- My son is a sports mechanicJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Russian boasts his son earns millions. Doctor? Lawyer? No — sports mechanic: he fixes soccer games and cricket matches.
- Naked in the coffin — hell has air-conJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Dying businessman asks to be buried naked — hell is hot, no clothes needed. Days later his naked ghost asks for the old gardening jumper and golfing trousers: hell is full of…
- Nasrudin at the archery stall: “That was me”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Mulla Nasrudin takes his students to a fair and tries the archery stall. The first arrow falls short — “the shot of a hasty man”; the second goes wide — “the shot of an arrogant…
- Next to a media heir at the urinalStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Parliament House state dinner for Queen Elizabeth II, Ajahn Brahm finds himself at the urinal next to Lachlan Murdoch and thinks he should have brought a donation envelope…
- Nine Pepsi-Colas — lucky number nineStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Thirsty on NE Thai tudong, Brahm resolves: if there are devas, get me a Pepsi. Walks past the store without asking; villager after villager runs up with open Pepsi and straw —…
- No bad hair daysJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He hated hairdressers as a kid — they never got it right. Shave your head and it's always right: monks and nuns never have a bad hair day.
- No escape, even in the toiletStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Returning exhausted from Los Angeles via Singapore, Ajahn Brahm is met at the gate by supporters with an airport buggy who take him for tea and ask about meditation, Buddhism and…
- No Sex in the MonasteryStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone told him Sarah Jessica Parker had been seen in a US coffee shop reading Opening the Door of Your Heart. He imagined it was only a matter of time before he got a cameo in…
- No side entrance — through the public barStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Lions Club talk at the back of a Pinjarra pub; he expects a side door for the monk — there is only one way in, straight through the public bar.
- No toilet stopsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a six- or seven-hour bus journey across north-east Thailand, the senior monk (captioned as Ajahn Liem) says there's no time for toilet stops: he walks down the bus handing…
- No visitors — except Ajahn BrahmStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Tibetan nun dying in Shenton Park hospice asked him to come, but the nurse barred visitors until small print under 'absolutely no visitors' read 'except Ajahn Brahm'. She…
- Not until it criesJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A wealthy 65-year-old career woman, never married, has a baby through a fertility clinic. Friends visit to see the baby; she keeps saying 'not yet' over cups of tea and biscuits.…
- 'Now I've got you exactly where I want you'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A monk visiting his family in Chicago slips on the ice and breaks his leg. When his mother comes into the hospital room, he has never seen her smile so much. 'Now, son, I've got…
- 'Now the drugs are wearing off'Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man coming round from an anaesthetic sees his wife at his bedside: 'My gosh, you are beautiful.' He dozes, opens his eyes again: 'Wife, you're cute.' 'Cute? A few moments ago…
- Nudist colony — slow down — naked chicksJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A chicken farmer's council speed signs fail to stop cars killing his free-range chicks. Taking kamma into his own hands, he puts up his own sign: 'Nudist colony — slow down —…
- Number one, above Harry PotterStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In the Gramedia bookshop in Jakarta he is shown the top-ten bestsellers: number two is Harry Potter, number one is the Indonesian edition of his first book — he has a photo — and…
- 'Number one!'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On the monks' Saturday-morning alms round in Perth, a young Australian gave Ajahn Brahm the one-finger sign. He chose not to be offended: maybe the man was really saying the…
- Number three after the Quran and the BibleStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In Indonesia a bookseller tells Ajahn Brahm his books are always number three in the big Gramedia chain — beaten only by the Quran and the Bible. He is delighted; he is not going…
- Oh my God — the Fremantle DockerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Four Catholic mothers compare pride: one son's a priest (Father), one's a bishop (Your Grace), one's a cardinal (Your Eminence). The fourth: her son never joined a church — he…
- “Oh no, not again”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A baby boy born in a US maternity ward, still attached to the umbilical cord, is said to have spoken words everyone heard: “Oh no, not again.”
- Okay darling — I'll help you packStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Perth mother whose six-year-old wanted to leave home packed his teddy and PlayStation, made a sandwich, kissed him at the door; ~50 metres later he came home homesick to…
- Old monks don't lieStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A wandering old monk spends the rains retreat in a hut a poor farmer builds for him. Leaving, he says a great treasure lies close by: at sunrise stand at your threshold facing…
- Omega equals one — from a T-shirtStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Science talk of Omega equals one (nothing excess; coming from nothing and going back) — Brahm notes how such insights arrive in unexpected places, including a T-shirt.
- On the birth of my son — may he be stupidStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm quotes Su Dongpo (as 'Sung Po'): parents want a child to be intelligent; having wrecked his own life through intelligence, the poet only wishes his son stupid — then…
- One Heinz baked bean after the retreatStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a long retreat, breakfast is baked beans from a tin. Ajahn Brahm puts a single bean on the spoon — taste sensation so amazing he asks who the celebrity chef was. Cooks:…
- One sentence every seven yearsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In a strict silent monastery a monk may say one sentence to the abbot every seven years. After seven years, the wise words he rehearsed vanish and he blurts: 'The food in this…
- One-pound bet — sober for a yearStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a student he bets a cousin one pound he can stay sober a year; decades later the cousin still has not paid.
- Only keeping four precepts todayStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Back in Thailand after some years in Australia, Ajahn Brahm watches people take the five precepts with their hands raised. One man holds up four fingers. Asked why, he says he is…
- Opened the Door of the Heart — in the medical sectionStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Adelaide friends hunt his book; self-help clerk joke; they find Opened the Door of the Heart shelved in medical — someone thought heart surgery. He is proud.
- Opening the car boot (and the nun loophole)Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Youth-group members can't open their locked car boot; Ajahn Brahm agrees to try if Ronnie promises to become a nun, gives the car loving-kindness and it opens first turn — but a…
- Owners of Labradors go blindJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two men talking: one plans to buy a Labrador. His mate: 'Don't be stupid. Haven't you noticed the owners of Labradors usually go blind?'
- Paid to be shouted atStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In ancient Greece a teacher charges his students a few extra coins every time he has to shout at them for doing something stupid. One student pays for years. When he graduates…
- Parachute the monks into SyriaStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone told Ajahn Brahm about an episode of the ABC's Q&A on violence in the Middle East. Asked for a solution, a panellist — the editor of The Spectator — cited a study (at…
- Pasta livesJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a retreat where rebirth is discussed, a written question reports two vivid dreams — in one life they were a piece of ravioli, in another a strand of spaghetti. Is this an…
- Perfect partner? Get a TV — or a dogJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Advice: want someone always there, listening, entertaining, quiet on demand — get a TV; always happy to see you — get a dog; don't expect a human to be that hospital-perfect.
- Photo op in the galleyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a Garuda flight from Perth to Bali, a flight attendant puts her hand on her heart: 'I am your greatest fan!' After the meal service she invites him to the galley, where all…
- Please — no jokes after the hysterectomyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The society's former secretary, after a painful hysterectomy, asked Ajahn Brahm to visit but begged him not to tell jokes because laughing hurt. He tried and failed; the laughs…
- “Please don't die during our retreat”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At the start of the rains retreat Ajahn Brahm jokingly asks everyone not to die until October or November, since funerals break his meditation. On Monday an email arrives: one of…
- Psychic battle with Hindu saintsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In early meditation Ajahn Brahm's mind put on a movie: a psychic battle with Hindu saints flying and levitating and zapping each other. He enjoyed it — and of course, because it…
- Put a sticker on it — seven daysStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A friend's workshop driveway is blocked by an illegally parked car; the ranger can only ticket and wait seven days. The owner parks across the shire council car-park entrance and…
- “Put your hand down, Ajahn Brahm!”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Singapore talk full of young singles too shy to ask each other out, the MC asks everyone who is single and available to put their hand up. Being an honest monk, Ajahn Brahm…
- Putting Descartes before the horseJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A philosophy horse walks into a bar, says 'I think not,' and vanishes — Descartes: I think therefore I am. Punchline: putting Descartes before the horse.
- Quit while you're ahead — count the clean platesJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Before washing up, count clean plates versus dirty ones; if clean outnumber dirty, quit while you're ahead. Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow — you might die…
- Ray-Bans on the meditation demonStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Early in his practice a blood-dripping, skull-necklaced demon appears in Ajahn Brahm's deep meditation; knowing the mind creates it, he gives it sunglasses, blacked-out fangs, a…
- Root canal without anaestheticStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a young monk at the first Perth centre in North Perth, Ajahn Brahm goes to a free dental clinic and is assigned a trainee dentist — the son of a former society vice-president,…
- Rubbing the monk's bellyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Around Chinese New Year, standing by the reception door of the Perth centre, Ajahn Brahm is approached by an elderly Chinese woman who takes one look at the fat-tummied monk and…
- Safety Bay — combining metta with the breathStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Catholic nuns' retreat centre in Safety Bay, senior monks say you can't combine techniques — so rebellious Brahm combines loving-kindness with breath meditation and finds it…
- “Samsara sucks” — and the taxi's replyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a week of breakdowns, missing shower water and redone tickets, Ajahn Brahm writes “samsara sucks” with his finger in the dust on an old donated car's windscreen. Driving in…
- Sanctuary — the temple cat on the monk's lapStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Kitten brought into the meditation hall chooses an adopter; later another cat, seeing its owner arrive to collect it, jumps onto Brahm's lap as if claiming sanctuary.
- Send her back — she might resurrectJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man finally takes his difficult Christian wife to Israel; she dies there. Chaplain offers $500 local funeral vs $5000 to ship her home — he chooses shipping: someone…
- Seven blind Australians and the kangarooAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Brahm adapts the blind-men-and-elephant into seven blind Australians feeling a kangaroo — tail like a snake, legs like a boomerang, pouch like a handbag, joey like a teddy bear —…
- Sexy dance for the Massey FergusonJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A farmer told by a marriage counsellor to do something sexy to attract his wife is later found naked doing a sexy dance in front of his Massey Ferguson tractor.
- Sharing a room with the snorerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: With no free rooms, a traveller accepts a twin share with a legendary snorer and sleeps perfectly. His secret: as soon as he got into his pyjamas he went over and gave the snorer…
- She called the police on the Zen stickStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Hong Kong / mainland China Zen retreat: the master hits a sleepy middle-aged woman with the waking stick; she pulls out a phone, calls the police — hitting people is an offence…
- She came back to see what her husband was up toStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A retreat participant tells how, dying in hospital while her husband raced to reach her, she was out of her body having a blissful time — and came back only because she wondered…
- She failed her exams — and blamed the monkStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A first-year Malaysian student asks Ajahn Brahm to chant for her exams. Later her friends tell him she's going round the university saying he's a hopeless monk — because she…
- 'She gave me the money and sent me'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man keeps asking his wife if he can go on a weekend meditation retreat; each time there's too much to do — shopping, cleaning, kids' sport, her mother visiting, the shed.…
- “Sir, you're drunk” — “Madam, you're ugly”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm tells the 'greatest put-down' he knows, which he attributes to Oscar Wilde: coming out of a bar completely drunk, at a time when drunkenness was a real stigma, he is…
- Sister Jittindria mistaken for Ajahn BrahmStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: One of the first nuns, Sister Jittindria, is driven off after Saturday lunch for a tour of Perth. A Thai woman shouts that Ajahn Brahm is sitting next to a girl — until he…
- Six cooks talking, no one listeningStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Passing the Serpentine monastery kitchen one morning, Ajahn Brahm notices six Thai ladies preparing the meal — all six with their mouths open, talking. If all six were talking,…
- Six months alone, and the kangaroos ate the pizzaStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Sometime between 2000 and 2008 his year's sabbatical shrank to six months. Instead of touring, he stayed in a hut in the Serpentine forest without seeing or speaking to anyone.…
- Six out of seven dwarfs aren't happyJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A psychological 'assessment' of the Seven Dwarfs proves six out of seven aren't happy — because only one was named Happy.
- Sixty mosquitoes on one armStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Evening group sittings in the Thai jungle start at 6 p.m., exactly when mosquitoes come for dinner — and bald, bare-shouldered Western monks are a new cuisine, protected because…
- Sixty pilgrims' photographs and a near-missed flightStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Changing flights at Singapore airport, Ajahn Brahm is recognised by 60 or 70 Indonesians returning from pilgrimage in India. Group photos, individual photos, family photos — it…
- Sleeping on a door with a hole in itStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In the first days of Bodhinyana Monastery the two monks sleep on doors propped on bricks; the senior monk gets the flat one, Ajahn Brahm the ribbed door with a hole where the…
- Snoopy: “Most days we won't”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Charlie Brown and Snoopy sit on a pier enjoying a beautiful view of mountains and lakes. Charlie Brown says, “You know, Snoopy, all of us one day will die.” Snoopy replies:…
- Something with diamonds in itJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Asked what she wants for Valentine's Day, a wife says, “I need nothing, I've got you.” “Yes, but what do you want?” “Something, anything with diamonds in.” Next day she opens a…
- Strawberry ice cream on spaghetti bologneseStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Monks eat everything from one bowl. Once, the person serving Ajahn Brahm tipped strawberry ice cream straight on top of his spaghetti bolognese. Why think it's nasty? — though,…
- Stream-entry certificates on the wallAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Analogy: a Burma monastery giving stream-winner certificates to hang next to degrees and swimming certificates — spiritual materialism as framed paper.
- Streets paved with goldJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A refugee waiting for resettlement hears that Perth's streets are paved with gold. Walking out of Perth Airport, he spots a $2 gold coin on the ground — they are! He bends to…
- Stroked the boom gate — it openedStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Parking boom gate stuck; Brahm gets out, strokes the boom kindly — 'nice boom gate… can you please open?' — and it opens. Confidence matters.
- Stupid feetStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In Ajahn Chah's monastery the monks went barefoot through the jungle, and the Western monks were always stubbing toes and piercing their soles on roots, their feet covered in…
- Suicide note to test reincarnationJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Asked for evidence of reincarnation beyond meditation, Ajahn Brahm jokes that the best evidence is to die — then adds he has heard of a suicide note saying the reason was to find…
- Super Monk and the death rayStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An art student who watches his videos (from Czechoslovakia, he thinks) makes a cartoon of 'Super Monk' based on his stories. The villain has built a death ray to destroy the…
- Super Monk and the DreamWorks emailStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a new monk in Thailand Ajahn Brahm reads a comic of 'Super Monk' who flies and saves people — but instead of killing villains, gives them the five precepts so they become good…
- Swings at the bus stopStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone sent him a photo of Montreal bus stops fitted with playground swings. Waiting commuters swing back and forth — highly relaxing, so executives arrive as better bosses. It…
- “Take them out one by one”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Asked by Fr Frank Brennan how to deal with troublesome fundamentalists, Abbot Placid of New Norcia shocks the room with “Take them out one by one” — then explains: deal with them…
- Tarantula tickly feet — spider monkStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Forest hut: looks forward to tarantulas falling on him; tickly feet running over him for a month with no TV. Kids say a bite would make him spider-monk, not Spiderman.
- Teach year threes and fours BuddhismStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At the old North Perth temple a teacher dumps year-three/four kids on him: please teach Buddhism — Four Noble Truths won't do; he must find kid-level virtue talk.
- Teased on the Charles Street busStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In the early Perth days people mock his robes: 'women's clothes', 'Hare Krishna', 'get a proper job'. On a bus down Charles Street some young men tease him, so he gives as good…
- Tell his girlfriend he might marry a dummyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Perth father whose university son was clubbing and failing waited up until 1 a.m., invited son and girlfriend in for coffee, and spoke only to the girlfriend: his grades are…
- Telling the kids what their dad got up toStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visiting his brother, Ajahn Brahm tells his young nephew and niece about all the naughty things their father did at their age; fascinated, they beg for more. Their dad walks in:…
- Thai lady grabbed the tea towelStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After lunch at Bodhinyana Brahm goes into the kitchen to help wipe dishes; a Thai lady gives him a terrible look — 'Ajahn Brahm, you're not supposed to be in here' — and yanks…
- Thank the burglar for the whiskeyJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone's house is burgled of expensive whiskey; Brahm says thank the burglar — he stopped you breaking precepts — and asks for the burglar's name to give other addresses.
- “That monk, he's on the gear”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Buddha-statue installation in an English open prison, Ajahn Brahm is beaming as he circles the statue; one watching prisoner tells another that the monk must be on drugs.
- “That was the worst tape I've ever heard”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Angie, later president of the Buddhist Fellowship in Singapore, finds a 23-year-old cassette of one of Ajahn Brahm's early talks in the monastery library, plays it to see how he…
- “That's a beautiful baby” on the TubeStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a depressing London Underground ride where nobody looks at anyone, Ajahn Brahm tells a young mother her baby is beautiful — a fib, he admits, since he doesn't like babies —…
- The 'fearless' monk on the burning busStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: During a spate of deadly bus fires in north-east Thailand, someone on Ajahn Brahm's bus shouts “fire!”; the driver leaps out the window and everyone flees, including his fellow…
- The 2012 doomsday betJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When people in Indonesia worry about the world ending in 2012, Ajahn Brahm offers to bet his monastery against their house; nobody takes the bet.
- The 86-year-old who pleaded guiltyJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two old men meet in the park for lunch every day. The 86-year-old disappears for a month; when he returns he says he's been in jail. The girl who serves their coffee accused him…
- The abbot who forecast the winterJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In a mountain monastery in Ladakh, a newly elected abbot, a poor meditator, is asked whether the winter will be cold, as the psychic old abbot used to be asked. He says he'll…
- The actuary they called “Flash”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visiting England, Ajahn Brahm meets a Cambridge friend he hasn't seen for 40 years — now a highly respected actuary, among the top in Europe. He reminds him of his student…
- The ATM that gave twenty eurosStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A former monastery postulant studying in Germany adopts a campus ATM that 'gurgled' at him, sends it loving-kindness every day, and one lunchtime it gurgles again and pushes out…
- The Australian anjaliStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At an international bhikkhuni conference, fed up with endless photos with palms joined, Ajahn Brahm suggests the senior nuns — Tenzin Palmo among them — do 'the Australian form',…
- The baby washed in wall acidStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Building Bodhinyana's kitchen, Ajahn Brahm spends a morning acid-washing the brickwork. At lunch Ben Anson and his wife Hupa bring food with their newborn; the baby soils her…
- The bank robber who sat down to waitStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: True-story newspaper item: after robbing a bank the man sits in the foyer and waits to be arrested — expectations/surrender image.
- The bat-cave papayaStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a young monk Ajahn Brahm spent about six months meditating in a cave full of bats; to this day he loves the smell of bat droppings because it reminds him of those wonderful…
- The BBC cricket commentary blooperStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm recalls the famous BBC Test Match Special blooper when, introducing an over with a bowler named Holding and a batsman named Willey, the commentator said the names in…
- The bear attack and the sapling in her headStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A nun, before ordaining, is meditating outside a Himalayan cave when a bear clamps its jaws on her head; she chants, and the bear lets go. She felt no pain — the worst part was…
- The benefits of dying at 30,000 feetJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm lists the 'benefits' of dying in an aircraft explosion: instant painless death, instant cremation (no backlog), ashes scattered automatically, insurance compensation…
- The Biggest LoserStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Challenging the slur 'loser', Ajahn Brahm lists what he lost becoming a monk — money, girlfriends, possessions, a nice motorbike — sleeps on the floor with no phone or…
- The bikie and the girl on the bridgeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A bikie gang, wanting good publicity, sees a crowd: a girl is about to jump off a bridge. One bikie goes up and kisses her, and everyone thinks it's a great way to stop her.…
- The blind elephants who felt a manJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a leadership conference on Hayman Island with Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard and others, Ajahn Brahm retells the seven blind men and the elephant — then inverts it: seven blind…
- The bodhisattva at the bottom of the classStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a schoolteacher, Ajahn Brahm hands out report cards; a 12- or 13-year-old reads “30th of 30” and slumps — how will he show his dad? Ajahn Brahm stands by him and says he…
- The bomb threat that saved the interfaith serviceStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: For years Ajahn Brahm chants at the rather dull Commonwealth Day interfaith service in St George's Cathedral, Perth. One year the Dean, John Shepherd, is called away mid-service…
- The bottle ghostAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Told in Asia, where people fear ghosts: the most dangerous ghost in the world, one he has seen many times. It possesses people — they speak strangely, can't walk straight, act…
- The brochure that opened the tillStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Old-fashioned hardware counter; given a laminex brochure to choose colours; sets it on the electronic till and opens the cash drawer — thousands of dollars spill out in front of…
- The Buddhist fly went round three timesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Teaching on camera about leaving blowflies alone, one lands on his nose and circles the mouth three times — a circumambulation, like around a Bodhi tree or stupa (and once even…
- The carrot who'll be a vegetableJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two carrots walk down St George's Terrace when a drunk driver mounts the pavement and hits one. Rushed to Royal Perth Hospital, he's in surgery for three hours. The surgeon comes…
- The cats and the building sandStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Bodhinyana is covered in gravel, so the monastery's cats treat any pile of sand as a luxury loo, burying their business in it. The day before this talk, mixing mortar, Ajahn…
- The celibate monk at the Gay Pride breakfastStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When the Sunday Telegraph quotes the Dalai Lama as saying you can't be both Buddhist and gay, Ajahn Brahm writes a letter to the paper saying that's wrong; it is published. Some…
- The channelled spirit at the roulette tableJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man channels a powerful being who gives him lots of advice; what he really wants is cash. “Go to the casino… the roulette table… put $10 on 19.” It wins. “All your winnings on…
- The chanting worked too wellStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Invited to chant for a dying Chinese man in Royal Perth Hospital's ICU, Ajahn Brahm chants his strongest — and the man goes into remission. The family scold him: the funeral was…
- The cheap haunted London townhouseStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Friend buys a London townhouse cheap because the agent admits it is haunted; first night midnight rap-rap; searches, finds nothing, gets louder.
- The CIA, the FBI, the LAPD and the rabbitJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Testing his agencies, the President releases a rabbit in a forest: the CIA reports there is no rabbit, the FBI shoots down half the trees and agrees, and the LAPD emerges in…
- The cockroach insurance claimStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At the Serpentine retreat centre the air conditioning fails: a cockroach has crawled into the electrics and been fried, taking the electrics with it. The monks chant for the…
- The coffin stuck halfway downStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Chinese disciple's burial the ornate knobs on the coffin catch on the way down the grave; it sticks halfway. Ajahn Brahm has to chant about five times while they struggle to…
- The coffin that chased him homeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Man flees a cemetery thinking he is safe; the coffin bumps after him; he jumps his front gate — then the coffin tries to smash the iron gate down.
- The cold that vanished mid-talkStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On his first visit to Canberra, his hosts take Ajahn Brahm everywhere all day in the cold, getting lost, with no rest. By evening he has a terrible cold, and at a big public talk…
- The Colombia coach brought her World Cup teamStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The head coach of Colombia's women's soccer team, in Perth for the Women's World Cup, came to a Friday talk after listening on YouTube and brought her team for a boost; the next…
- The corpse in the elevatorStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Funeral directors collecting a body from a top-floor old apartment find the gurney will not fit the stairs or elevator, so they hold the corpse upright between them. Murphy's…
- The cult-buster who ran from the Buddha statueStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In the early North Perth centre, Western Australia's chief 'cult buster' comes to check the Buddhists out; charmed by the very Australian caretaker he decides it can't be a cult…
- The day I peed on a snakeStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After meditating all night in a Thai forest monastery, the tired young monk goes into the bush at first light and squats to urinate on what he thinks is a stick — until the stick…
- The dead dog and the cat scanJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Owner brings a dog to the vet insisting it is alive; the vet uses a live cat as a diagnostic (nose, tail, belly) — dog never moves. Bill: $20 consultation + $2,000 for the cat…
- The deathbed confessionJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A dying husband confesses to his devoted wife that he hasn't always been a good husband — there was the mistress he never told her about — and yet she was still so kind to him.…
- The deliberate mistake on the blackboardStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: School maths teacher, caught in an error on the blackboard, claims he put it there on purpose to check the class was paying attention — 'well done' — modelling how hard it is to…
- The dentist lost the tooth relicStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: His dentist Jake kept an extracted cracked tooth as a possible relic to auction for the nuns' monastery if Brahm became famous after death — then moved surgeries and lost it. Now…
- The diamond necklace dealJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man buys his wife a very expensive diamond necklace; she never talks to him for six months. Friends call her ungrateful. He says: 'Yes, that was the deal.'
- The dog, the lion and the monkeyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A dog wanders too far into an African forest and a lion decides to eat him. The dog finds some bones, sits with his back to the lion and, as it's about to pounce, licks his lips:…
- The donkey in the wellStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A farmer tries to bury a donkey that fell into a dry well; with every shovelful of dirt, the donkey shakes it off and steps up on it, until it climbs out, bites the farmer and…
- The door prizeAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Imagine tonight's door prize is a first-class trip to Dharamsala for a private lunch with the Dalai Lama, then three days in a six-star Singapore hotel with a thousand dollars a…
- The drunk driver who drove home the police carStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After the office Christmas party a Sydney man, well over the limit, risks driving home and is stopped at a roadblock. Just as he's about to blow into the breathalyser, a car…
- The duck that tried to nest in his afroStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Young Brahm with a big curly Hendrix-style afro lies down in a London park; something tugs his hair — a duck harvesting nesting material.
- The Eskimo in the desertJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man dying of thirst in the desert meets a real Eskimo with sled and huskies, and gasps with relief that he has been lost for days. The Eskimo replies: “And you think you're…
- The fan at the restaurant windowStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Having a quiet sponsored lunch in a little restaurant in Kennedy Town, Hong Kong, Ajahn Brahm sees a young woman press her face to the window, recognising him. Her English…
- The fifth child wished to need no more wishesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Five children play the wishing game. First wants a Big Mac; second a McDonald's restaurant; third a billion euros; fourth three wishes forever. The fifth wins: 'I wish I was so…
- The forest monk chased by the tigerStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Dhammindu (caption: Mark Edge and Drew) tells of a wandering Thai forest monk who insists on camping on a tiger trail despite the headman's warning. Meditating peacefully…
- The fortune tellers looked so poorStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In Hong Kong Ajahn Brahm was taken to a street of fortune tellers who looked ill-dressed and out in the rain — if they cannot tell their own fortune, how can they tell yours?
- The fourth priest's confessionJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Four religious leaders, old friends, sit on a bench after a conference and confess their secret weaknesses. One is a compulsive gambler, the second an alcoholic, the third is…
- The general's holy waterStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a time when generals were the power behind the Thai government, a major general comes to Ajahn Chah's hut in Ubon asking for holy water. Ajahn Chah says he hasn't any; the…
- The ghost at the end of the caveStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On Vesak day at a cave monastery in the north of Thailand, Ajahn Brahm slips away from the abbot's dull talk and is asked by villager after villager the same questions: how many…
- The ghost that moved next doorStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Near Dr K. Sri Dhammananda's temple in Kuala Lumpur a haunted house is cleared by his chanting — then neighbours complain the ghost has moved next door. He ends up chanting…
- The ghost who kept playing practical jokesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Scottish man's mate promises that after death he will still play practical jokes; in the English friend's house a pot plant and other tricks convince the visitor the ghost is…
- The ghost who wanted the remoteStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Perth family told Ajahn Brahm that while they watched TV the channel kept changing by itself; each time they changed it back, it changed again. They concluded a ghost in the…
- The glasses on top of his noseStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Halfway down Kingsbury Drive on the way to a Friday talk, Ajahn Brahm tells his driver to turn back for the glasses he needs for committee papers; after searching his bag and the…
- The Grax gravy monk who levitatedStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Old Aussie TV gravy ad: line of Theravāda-looking monks; abbot (dead ringer for Ajahn Jagaro) rejects food, produces Grax from under the robe, pours gravy, and levitates with…
- The grumpy licenceStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a meditation retreat a woman complains that everyone else is happy and she feels pressured to be happy. Brahm prints her a letterheaded 'grumpy licence' — permission to be…
- The guard who fell asleepStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Teaching meditation in a high-security prison at Canning Vale, Ajahn Brahm must have a prison officer in the room. The officer closes his eyes to meditate too — and starts…
- The gypsy's curseStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visiting his mother in London, Ajahn Brahm answers the door at mealtime to a woman selling 'lucky' heather. He politely declines; she threatens to put a curse on him if he…
- The half-million-dollar bulletproof amuletStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: From a Thai newspaper: an army general in Bangkok paid half a million US dollars for an amulet guaranteed to stop bullets. After dinner and a couple of whiskies in the officers'…
- The Happiness CertificateStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: For people who feel they don't deserve happiness he makes a certificate on monastery letterhead: 'This certificate grants the holder the right to be happy, for any reason or no…
- The happiness licenceStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Some years ago a person whose life was going well came to Ajahn Brahm feeling guilty about being happy. So on Bodhinyana Monastery letterhead he typed and signed a licence: 'I,…
- The head on the morgue windowsillStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Because a Buddhist monk is not stopped in Thailand, Ajahn Brahm was able to walk into the autopsy room at Siriraj Hospital in Bangkok. Arriving early, alone, he saw on a high…
- The hearse in the carpool laneJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Stopped by police for driving a hearse alone in a two-or-more lane in New York or San Francisco, a driver argues in court that the man in the back makes two — and loses.
- The heretics' pewStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm, Abbot Placid of New Norcia, and a Uniting Church moderator sit together at St George's Cathedral for the ordination of Bishop Kay Goldsworthy (as captioned Kate…
- The hermit of the NullarborStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm's monk's fantasy: living as a hermit in a deep Nullarbor cave with water beneath. Then he imagines what would follow — someone finds him, Channel 9 comes for a…
- The hole is too deep — or your arms too short?Analogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Man can't reach forest-hole treasure; complains the hole is too deep. Second man uses a stick: problem isn't depth — your arms are too short. Extend them.
- The husband's photo in her handbagJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Married 30 or 40 years, a woman always carries her husband's photo in her handbag. Whenever life gets really difficult she takes it out, looks at him and says: “If I can endure…
- The hypnotist monk's donation boxJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A new monk can't pay his temple's bills. A senior monk advises: close the doors, turn up the heat, give a boring monotone sermon, swing a fob watch and hypnotise everyone — 'when…
- The irresistible tobaccoStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At Cambridge, a TV advert claims the aroma of St Bruno pipe tobacco is irresistible to women: an ordinary middle-aged man lights his pipe and gorgeous shop assistants leap over…
- The jarrah boat coffin that stuck halfwayStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A white-water rafter's family make his coffin as a boat with paddles — out of jarrah, so heavy ten people lift it. At the committal the conveyor belt stalls and the glass…
- The jealous husband's astral visitsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Burmese man working on air-conditioning contracts in Darwin, deeply in love with — and very jealous of — his English wife in Perth, would visit her now and then in his astral…
- The Jimi Hendrix museum was shutStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Jimi Hendrix was Ajahn Brahm's teenage idol; he even had the haircut. Giving talks in Seattle with a free afternoon, he's urged to visit the Jimi Hendrix museum. He thinks a monk…
- The kids throwing stones on Bunbury beachStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In the early years in Australia, while Ajahn Brahm meditates on Bunbury beach, stones start whizzing past his ears. He stands up and walks towards the six or seven kids, who…
- The kung fu poseStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Walking from his mother's flat in Acton to give a talk at the Sri Lankan temple, Ajahn Brahm takes the short way past a block of flats known as a no-go area. A gang of fourteen…
- The lawyer who tried to take it with himJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A dying rich lawyer, sure he can find a loophole, has his wife stash suitcases of cash in the attic above his bed so he can grab them on his way up to heaven. After the funeral…
- The live eel in the birthday boxStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Growing up in Acton, West London, when jellied eels and mash were a craze, eight-year-old Peter (Ajahn Brahm) spent his pocket money on a live eel, put it in a shoe box, wrapped…
- The lottery shop he blessedStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Asked to bless a friend-of-a-friend's new small business, a busy Ajahn Brahm gives it his full blessing without asking what it is. A year or two later the West Australian reports…
- The man who attended his own funeralStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A terminally ill man in the United States decides to hold his funeral service a week or two before he dies, so he can be there to hear the eulogies and the difference he made to…
- The man who shouted at the traffic lightsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a hot day on Leach Highway, Ajahn Brahm sits in the passenger seat with the window open. A foot away, the driver in the next lane, caught at the red light, rages at it: “You…
- The matchbox on the headStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A malnourished young monk in steamy north-east Thailand — sticky rice with a boiled frog, under four and a half hours' sleep, up at 3 a.m. — is always sleepy in meditation.…
- The maths graduate with almost no brainStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm retells Professor John Lorber's case of a Sheffield University mathematics honours graduate whose brain scan showed about 1% cortex, the skull filled with fluid — yet…
- The minister who never stopped talkingStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A king cannot get any business done because one minister talks on and on in every session. Walking in his garden, the king sees a disabled man in a wheelchair who earns coins…
- The monastery monkey and the cheeky visitorStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Supporter frees a market-caged monkey into a forest monastery; it joins afternoon tea. Grateful to the head monk, it sits in visitors' laps — until a cheeky Bangkok lady gets a…
- The monk in the front seat of the busStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Thais believe a monk's good karma protects those behind him, so monks are seated at the front of buses. Travelling from Chonburi to Bangkok, the young Ajahn Brahm is waved on…
- The monk nominated president of the progress associationStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The monk at the Albany temple, who makes an effort to connect with locals, joined the Elleker Progress Association and attended its meetings (never touching the beer). At the AGM…
- The monk who fixed NASA's computerStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: NASA in Houston can't get a new multi-million-dollar supercomputer to work; experts flown in first class all fail. A Thai engineer suggests it may be supernatural and fetches a…
- The monk who ordained seven timesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In the Buddha's time a man becomes a monk but misses his wife, so he disrobes; as soon as he gets home he wonders why he came back, and ordains again. Homesick, he disrobes again…
- The monk who stopped the bus by thinkingStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A forest monk visiting Ubon rides a bus for the first time and wonders how an engine works; as soon as he thinks about the motor it stops, and when he stops thinking it runs…
- The mosquitoes were my teachersStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a young monk in Thailand, Ajahn Brahm could not include mosquitoes in his loving-kindness chant; when he finally let one bite him out of kindness, it took advantage and bit…
- The most beautiful sound in the worldStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Sydney trekker lost in the Himalayas shelters at an ancient monastery and at midnight hears the most beautiful sound of his life. The abbot will only reveal its origin to a…
- The most beautiful thing in the toilet bowlStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On one retreat Ajahn Brahm's mind is so still and full of energy that everything looks beautiful. After going to the toilet he glances into the bowl and is overwhelmed: not one…
- The mugged tax ministerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A gunman orders a man to hand over all his money. “Look, I'm the Minister of Taxation.” — “Oh, sorry, sir. Hand over MY money, then.” — “Fair enough.”
- The Muslim woman who said 'oh…'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A young woman in hijab asks him to sign her book; she watches him on YouTube. As soon as he signs, she puts her hand over her mouth and blurts 'oh…' — so excited she forgot…
- The naughtiest noviceStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Chah, laughing, tells Ajahn Brahm about his naughtiest novice: an old monk slept so deeply in the afternoons that nothing woke him, so the novice tried to push a jackfruit…
- The naughty hour from three to fourStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a young monk in a silent forest paradise (one car a week) he fights thoughts — including old girlfriends — until exhausted. At the Buddha shrine he makes a deal: 3–4pm is…
- The NHS invitation — bad for my healthStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After an HR conference in London (business class, hotel, family visit paid), the UK National Health Service asked him back to Birmingham for the same talk. He replied that they…
- The nun and the last pokie coinStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a UK retreat a famous Buddhist nun must eat before midday; the only place is next to a pub with pokies; the driver feeds coins as she arrives — last-coin / one-armed-bandit…
- The nun who hit the jackpotStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Driving a famous Buddhist nun to Heathrow after a retreat, her driver puts spare coins in a pub fruit machine and, saying the nun has better kamma, asks her to pull the handle.…
- The odd-job manJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The Dhammaloka subcommittee hire an odd-job man and give him ten jobs. He completes only jobs number one, three, five, seven and nine. He was the odd-job man.
- The one-shoe thiefStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: For weeks, people at the Friday-night talks kept losing shoes — but only ever one of a pair. Was it a one-legged thief? Then the owner of the dog next door looked in its kennel…
- The only one who knew the answerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A boy tells his dad he was the only one in class who knew the right answer today. Surprised — usually it's detention — the proud father gives him $20. As the boy leaves, Dad…
- The ornamental hermit found in the pubStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone showed Ajahn Brahm a book of oddities: in England, wealthy estate owners once made it fashionable to keep their own hermit. They built grottoes and advertised in…
- The orphan chicken that says quackStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After years of the chicken-or-duck story, people sent him evidence: an orphaned chicken raised by ducks that goes quack quack — so a quack does not prove a duck.
- The PA system that wasn't plugged inStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Teaching a retreat at Jhana Grove for Singaporean business people and engineers, the PA system won't work and the caretaker is overseas. Nobody can fix it, so he gives the talk…
- The parrot ordered whiskeyJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Passenger and parrot on a cut-price airline; attendant asks for drinks; parrot demands whiskey; attendant shocked; passenger only wants tea.
- The past is un-effableAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He coins a word-play: instead of 'ineffable' (too deep for words), the past is 'un-effable' — you cannot 'if' your past. Stop rewriting old choices; make them work now.
- The patient monk's police escortStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Asked what a patient monk does on a four-hour, 220 km drive from Bangkok airport to a retreat, Ajahn Brahm reveals he got a police escort and arrived in two hours — and was…
- The penalty for perjury is less than for the truthJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man on trial for murder in New York, facing the electric chair, is caught lying under oath. The judge warns him about perjury. He replies that the penalty for perjury is far…
- The penguin funeral (“Freeze a jolly good fellow”)Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Penguins grieve a dead friend, bury him in the ice and sing at the ceremony: “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
- The PhD who was shown how to sweepJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A PhD graduate can only find work sweeping floors in a supermarket and complains to the boss that he has a graduate degree. 'Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you're a university…
- The Playboy at the traffic lightsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a 40-degree day in the old Kombi with the windows down, young men in the next car on Leach Highway jeer at the robed monk, then at a red light hold up a Playboy to wind him…
- The politician who talked the walkStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a free afternoon in Singapore, Ajahn Brahm takes his followers to a charity walk raising funds for a fellow monk's indebted Buddhist library. A politician speaks first,…
- The Pope, the Archbishop and the puttJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury settle church unity with 18 holes of golf. On the last green the Pope misses putt after putt, swearing “Damn it! Missed!” while his nun…
- The prankster ghost and the three leavesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two young English friends share a house in Perth; one dies young of cancer, promising to come back and haunt his mate. Pranks follow: the shower turning cold, the lounge…
- The premier who opened the jailStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visiting Canning Vale prison, Ajahn Brahm saw the plaque at the entrance: the prison had been opened by a former Premier of Western Australia. And during his visit that same…
- The priest who checked heaven and hell by trainStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A wealthy philosophy professor asks a priest whether virtuous non-Christians (Buddha, Socrates, Marcus Aurelius, Voltaire, Gandhi) must go to hell. The priest stalls a week,…
- The professor examined on his own textbookStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A visiting US professor of psychiatry coming to lecture at Sydney University must first pass an Australian college exam; of the two set textbooks, one is his own. He still had to…
- The professor who ate the menuJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A philosophy professor waits two months for a table at an exclusive restaurant, is handed a beautiful parchment menu — and eats the menu, pays and leaves.
- The psychiatric team's flat batteryStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Several years ago a woman arrived one evening at Bodhinyana still wearing a hospital wristband from Bentley Hospital's psychiatric unit. Ajahn Brahm said she needed to go back;…
- The punk and the old manJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a New York train a punk with multi-coloured spikes, razor-blade earrings and piercings snaps at the old man opposite: 'What are you looking at, old man?' 'Just you. Didn't you…
- The ranger's spot check hit a fire drillStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a bushfire-era Fire and Emergency Service certificate (Mitchell Roberts presenting), a shire ranger did an unannounced spot check and found every monk already in fire suits…
- The really dirty monkJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Covered in concrete, Ajahn Brahm is asked by a well-dressed visitor where the abbot is; he sends her to the hall, showers, then meets her as the abbot — and she advises him to do…
- The Rottweilers weren't chainedStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visiting a house, he's told not to worry about the two Rottweilers — they're chained up — so he walks right past them. Only afterwards does the owner nearly have a heart attack:…
- The runaway car at ByfordStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Years ago, while Ajahn Brahm and a driver queue in the Byford post office, someone asks whose car is rolling down the South Western Highway. The driver forgot the handbrake on a…
- The sandflies weren't in the brochureStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Invited to teach in New Zealand, Ajahn Brahm gets a brochure of Alpine mountains and placid lakes — just the kind of place a monk loves. But in the South Island he can't stand…
- The Singapore spirits helped the Ang MoStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An English ex-army dental technician with a Singaporean wife visits the in-laws, gets bored, and is taken to the races. They clean a messy temple for luck first; that night he…
- The Singaporean monk, the snake book, and the witch doctorStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Singaporean monk in NE Thailand asks for the snake book — to identify the snake that just bit him. Fang marks swell; village has thrown away antivenom. A herbal 'witch doctor'…
- The slingshot and the gongStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Sitting with Ajahn Chah, with no clock and his legs aching after what must have been over an hour, the young Ajahn Brahm fantasises about practising with a slingshot in the…
- The sniffer dog at Perth AirportStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Back from an early trip to Sri Lanka, his robe smelling of spices and curries, Ajahn Brahm queues at Perth Airport passport control. The sniffer dog stops at him, buries its nose…
- The Spitfire engine in the old bombStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A monk's mate in England fits a Spitfire aircraft engine into an old car. On the motorway he overtakes sports cars and even police; when they try to pull him over he puts his…
- The squirrel on the psychiatrist's couchJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A cartoon sent to the monastery: a squirrel on a psychiatrist's couch explains why it came — when it realised 'you are what you eat', it realised it was nuts.
- The stolen Harley on the wrong levelStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An early member owns almost nothing except his prized Harley-Davidson. In a Sydney shopping centre car park he returns to find it gone, contemplates the teachings — “I don't own…
- The storm that waited for the ceremonyStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: For the Buddhist Society of Western Australia's 30th anniversary Vesak ceremony in Perth's Supreme Court Gardens, the biggest storm ever is forecast to hit at exactly ceremony…
- The suggestion box at BarreStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A well-funded meditation centre in Barre, Massachusetts — one of the first places for meditation retreats in the West — wondered what more it could do and put in a suggestion…
- The suicidal spider — eight webs smashedAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Mindful spider builds a perfect first web; broom smashes it. Second, third… eight houses destroyed. Exhausted, nearly dead, she asks what's the point — banks foreclose, owners…
- The supermodel was annoyed they photographed the monkStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a Kuala Lumpur retreat a famous Malaysian supermodel grew fed up that at the end nobody wanted her photo — they only wanted photographs of Ajahn Brahm.
- The Thai dancers and the sprinklersStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a big Jhana Grove ceremony, Thai dancers in full costume were performing on the grass when the reticulation came on and soaked them. Ajahn Brahm knew where the switch was and…
- The Theravada–Mahayana boat raceStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a sightseeing trip at a conference in Vietnam, rowing through lakes and tunnels, Ajahn Brahm (representing Singapore) is in a boat of Theravada monks alongside a boat of…
- The three rings of marriageJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Wedding joke: the three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring — and the suffer-ring. Told here with the audience supplying 'suffering' and him correcting it…
- The tiger that was a mouseStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Meditating alone at night deep in the Thai jungle, Ajahn Brahm hears rustling. As a Cambridge-trained scientist he assesses it: a small animal. As it comes closer: a medium-sized…
- The toilet frame with no holeStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: For Western visitors, the monastery made a sitting frame to place over squat toilets. An 18-year-old English visitor sits on a frame standing to the side — with no toilet under…
- The tourist whose car Bill Gates fixedStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Remote northern California: a tourist's car fails with no mobile coverage; a farmer stops and fixes it. Later the tourist learns the farmer was Bill Gates travelling alone —…
- The tsunami ghost who gave a phone numberStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Three days after the 2004 tsunami, a Thai woman in Krabi dreams of a battered English girl from Phi Phi who names the Bangkok temple where soldiers have just laid her body, asks…
- The TV star he didn't recogniseStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Teaching a small meditation class in Double Bay, Sydney, Ajahn Brahm notices a woman at the back smiling at him and wonders who on earth she is. Afterwards he learns she was a…
- The two sisters: one with a husband, one withoutStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two Thai sisters come for counselling. The elder can't stand her Australian husband and is considering divorce ('recycling'); the younger desperately wants a partner. Ajahn Brahm…
- The unidentified flying monkStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A famous monk in the north of Thailand became famous because a Thai Air Force fighter pilot, flying high above the clouds, saw a monk levitating on a cloud. The pilot memorised…
- The wedding without ringsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Yanchep wedding, celebrant Dennis is about to pronounce the couple husband and wife when Ajahn Brahm hisses “Dennis, Dennis!” — he has forgotten the ring ceremony.
- The wife who came back for the willStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Thai woman who never trusted her Chinese husband asks Ajahn Brahm to do her funeral and pay for it, in return leaving her assets to the Buddhist Society; he passes it to the…
- The wine gumsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: One Christmas when Ajahn Brahm was a young monk, four (now famous, unnamed) Canadian monks receive wine gums from their parents. Assuming they're just sweets, they eat them…
- The woman who refused to go backStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A woman who dies on the operating table meets a spirit telling her it isn't her time; she refuses — she's having too good a time — until the spirit throws her back into her…
- The woman who swapped seats to talkStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Exhausted on a flight from Kuala Lumpur to Perth, Ajahn Brahm sits by the window. A woman asks if he's Ajahn Brahm because she really needs to talk; he points out there's someone…
- The worm that wanted its chocolate barJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man with intestinal worms chooses the 'natural' treatment: every day for a week, at exactly noon, a cheese-sandwich suppository, and five minutes later a chocolate-bar one. At…
- The worst procedure in the wardStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In a Rockingham Hospital ward with three other men, they compare medical procedures to decide which is worst. Someone names a barium enema; a man in the corner goes white —…
- Then cancel my husband's life insuranceJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A woman's house burns down; the insurer will only replace, not cut a cheque. She says she should cancel her husband's life insurance then — she would only get a replacement.
- There are zombies in your retreat centreStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At Jhana Grove a visiting child tells him there are zombies — retreatants doing very slow walking meditation.
- There's a nasty bug going aroundJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man is punched, headbutted and stabbed on three successive days by a six-foot cockroach at his door. In hospital the doctor says that is to be expected — there's a nasty bug…
- They auctioned his robe in MelbourneStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Melbourne fundraiser for a new monastery, Ven. Mudita (captioned Moodau), whom he had ordained, asked for his robe to auction. He protested he'd be naked in cold Melbourne;…
- They gave him a wrapped box of nothingStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When people ask what gift he wants for his birthday, a few who got the message wrap an empty box; he opens it and finds nothing — 'that's just what I wanted'.
- They lost the plot (Guildford Cemetery)Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After the joke about funeral directors who 'lost the plot', Ajahn Brahm recalls it really happening at Guildford Cemetery: walking ahead of the hearse, the funeral director…
- They preferred the taller Islamic teacherStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Multi-faith school visit: feedback says girls preferred the blond Western Islamic speaker — taller than the short Buddhist monk. Ages 14–15; he does not mind.
- “They're all Buddhists” — the expensive clinicStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A very wealthy Kuala Lumpur businessman tells Ajahn Brahm he paid a fortune for therapy at a famous US clinic, even meeting the founder of the mindfulness movement — and came…
- This is not what I signed up forStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Years earlier, midway through a two-hour Indonesian book-signing and photo queue, Ajahn Brahm thinks this is not what a monk should be doing — he wanted a cave. In that moment he…
- “This must be your dad”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a wedding blessing Ajahn Brahm assumes the older man beside the young man is his father — and is corrected, to the older man's displeasure.
- Three months without looking at a girlStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: One of Ajahn Chah's own stories: as a lusty 18- or 19-year-old novice in a town monastery, he resolved that for the three-month rains retreat he wouldn't look at any girl at all,…
- Three smiling bodies in the morgueJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A coroner explains three smiling corpses to a policeman: one died of a heart attack with his mistress, one drank himself to death after a lottery win — and the third was struck…
- Tickets sold faster than Lady Gaga'sStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In Medan, Indonesia, about 3–4,000 cheap tickets for Ajahn Brahm's talk sold out in ~30 minutes the same weekend Lady Gaga's Jakarta concert sold out in 40 — so they teased that…
- Tiger's Nest climb — then a hot bathStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Bhutan: climbs Tiger's Nest in thin air panting; hotel has a bath — usually too much indulgence for a monk, but after the climb he soaks.
- Time your anger — try to beat your recordAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A teacher tells someone who always gets angry: next time, put a clock in front of you and see how long you can stay angry — try to beat your record. Destigmatising the anger and…
- Training dolphins, training husbandsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: From a psychology magazine: a PhD student studying how marine parks train dolphins — throw a fish whenever it jumps an inch higher, never punish — realises the same method works…
- 'Trespassers will be converted'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: To keep wanderers out of the quiet Jhana Grove retreat centre, the society knew 'Trespassers will be prosecuted' never works, because people aren't afraid. So they put up…
- Twelve blessed strings for Sri LankaStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: During a one-day match at the WACA, with Australia hammering Sri Lanka, young helpers come to Ajahn Brahm: the Sri Lankan captain wants holy string from a good monk. He blesses…
- Twenty-six sheep — ten die — how many survive?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Math riddle: 26 sheep in a field, 10 die — how many survive? Not 16 — twenty sick sheep.
- Two fingers to push up a smileStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a student, his meditation teacher tells him to smile at himself in the toilet mirror every morning. Ajahn Brahm protests he'd scream at a hungover student's face; the teacher…
- Two hours on Ajahn Chah instead of a car factoryStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Thaksin, then Prime Minister of Thailand, told Ajahn Brahm that a head of the Ford Motor Company came to see him about building a big factory in Thailand as a hub for Southeast…
- Two hours on Bunbury beachStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: With a free afternoon before teaching at Bunbury prison, Ajahn Brahm meditates for two hours, eyes closed, on a deserted stretch of beach. He opens his eyes to find a 17-year-old…
- Two hours signing books in JakartaStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a talk of four or five thousand in Jakarta, a huge line wants books signed and photos — two hours of signing and smiling for the camera.
- Two monks argue about the fish tankStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Waiting for lunch: one monk says fish tanks are prisons; the other says tanks protect fish from hooks and alien-abduction fishing — same tank, opposite morals.
- Under a gynaecologist, and no pyjamasStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On his last hospital stay, at Rockingham, Ajahn Brahm is admitted under a family-friend doctor who is a gynaecologist — his bed sign confuses the nurses. Told at reception he…
- 'Urinal for dogs'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When Ajahn Brahm was a young monk, the town of Ubon had too few public toilets, and tuk-tuk drivers and passers-by all urinated against one wall until it stank. The council put…
- Vomiting through the book signingStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On an Indonesia tour Ajahn Brahm's stomach turns during a talk and the book-signing queue. He finishes signing, runs to his room and vomits, then calms his sore tummy with the…
- Walking into the DMZStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: During the brief Trump–Kim thaw, Ajahn Brahm joins a peace conference in South Korea. The senior monks are to lead a fast three-hour meditation walk into the demilitarised zone;…
- Watch out for falling rocksJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A dying Comanche chief sends Geronimo and Fallen Rocks to hunt buffalo for 30 days; Geronimo returns with many skins; Fallen Rocks never does — and road signs still say 'Watch…
- Waving from the stretch limoStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Buddhist family's first child, born with complications, dies after a few months despite the doctors' best efforts. The parents are too upset to attend, so they ask Ajahn Brahm…
- 'We'll never forget you'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The day after giving a talk at Mercedes College, a girls' school next to the Catholic cathedral in Perth, Ajahn Brahm is walking down St George's Terrace when two of the girls…
- “We've never heard a talk in Sanskrit before”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A group visiting from Thailand asks for a talk in Thai, so Ajahn Brahm, fluent after years there, gives one. Afterwards they're very impressed: “We've never heard a talk in…
- Weeping at the grave of his wife's first husbandJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man sobs at a grave in Karrakatta, “Why did you die?” Asked if it is his father or son, he says no — it was his present wife's former husband.
- “What day of the week is it?”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a forest monk he lived without calendars or clocks and sometimes didn't know the month or year. In the first months in Perth, at the small house in North Perth, a visiting…
- What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? 'Aye matey' (I'm eighty).
- What do people drink in England? Grey teaJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Winter England gag: sky, buildings, coats all grey — punchline grey tea; stiff upper lip is just frozen weather.
- What drug is he giving you?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A high-flying Sydney executive has to beg and grovel to her boss for time off for a nine-day retreat at Jhana Grove. Afterwards she emails Ajahn Brahm: as soon as she got back,…
- What fun does a monk have? NoneJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Father's old joke: What fun does a monk have? None. Brahm still laughs — and insists monks actually have lots of fun.
- What is two plus two?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Three candidates for preselection in a safe Australian seat are asked the same question: what is 2 + 2? The first uses a calculator: 4. The second says 4 at once. The third: '2 +…
- 'What prison were you in?'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When Ajahn Brahm's predecessor Ajahn Jagaro disrobed and applied for jobs in the United States, employers asked about the 20-year gap. 'I've been a monk.' 'Yes, we've heard that…
- “What type of chairman are you?”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Buddhist Society committee meeting an old chair collapses under a committee member; Ajahn Brahm quips, “What type of chairman are you? He broke the chair instead of taking…
- Where's the bog then?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm's Cambridge neighbour, a Yorkshireman from Leeds (he says 'from Ukraine' then corrects), arrives at Emmanuel College and asks in a thick accent 'Where's the bog…
- Who left the hammer out?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Newly abbot and very strict, Ajahn Brahm finds a donated hammer rusting in the grass at Bodhinyana. He gathers the monks and scolds them fiercely about wasting donors' gifts,…
- Who sits next to God?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man who went to church every Sunday, gave donations and kept the Ten Commandments dies and goes to heaven, expecting to see Jesus beside God. Instead a cleaning lady with mop,…
- Who's the beggar?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In India a rich man comes out of a temple and a beggar asks him for a donation. 'Go and get a job!' 'Well, what did you just go into the temple for? You went in to beg for…
- Why ants don't get COVIDJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Why don't ants get COVID? Because they've got antibodies.
- Why did the chewing gum cross the road?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Riddle he promised to try out: why did the piece of chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the foot of a chicken. ('I forgive myself every time I tell a joke.')
- “Why did you call me a …?” — the surgeon's outburstStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A wealthy London woman with an expensive Harley Street surgeon dies for a few minutes on the table; the panicking surgeon swears at her. At his polite post-op visit she asks why…
- Why shoes stay outside Buddhist templesJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone asked why people don't wear shoes in Buddhist temples. His answer: so if he tells a bad joke, you can't throw your shoes at him — you have to leave them outside.
- Why some are born intelligentStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: From a sutta: a man asks the Buddha what karma makes people wealthy, then what makes them beautiful or ugly (Ajahn Brahm breaks off to explain why he now stares at the carpet…
- Why the bride wears whiteJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Wedding joke he tells at ceremonies: why does the bride wear white and the groom black? White is the symbol of purity — so now you understand why the groom wears black. Another…
- Why you never see elephants in treesJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A joke a man told him: why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're too good at hiding. Like the US Army's state-of-the-art camouflage trucks — now they can't…
- Worried he'd have to be abbotStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When the 2004 tsunami hits, Ajahn Brahm is in Penang. His number-two monk back home hears that people have died in Penang and tries desperately to reach him. When he finally gets…
- Wrap yourself a gift of peaceAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: For a birthday or anniversary, wrap an empty box carefully, put inside a paper that says 'peace — to me, with love from me', hide it, 'find' it next morning and play along until…
- Wrong cemetery, and a hearse with three heavy passengersStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A former Sydney funeral director tells how hearses sometimes go to the wrong cemetery, and how on one body-collection run with three very heavy people in the back, the rear…
- Wrong Mrs Kaur — take her backStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In Ven. Nibbūto's Sikh village, where men are Singh and women Kaur, an old lady is certified dead and put in a coffin for that evening's cremation. She comes to and describes a…
- Yeah, that's right — both monks and neitherStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two monks argue whether rebirth matters; each separately gets 'yeah, that's right' from the abbot; together they protest they cannot both be right — abbot: yeah, that's right.
- You can talk — I thought you were brain damagedStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After Ajahn Chah left Perth, silent number-two monk Brahm gave his first Friday talk at Magnolia Street. A girl of about seven or eight who still comes to the centre ran up: that…
- 'You can't be any good then'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In the early days Ajahn Brahm answered the phone to a woman asking about that evening's meditation class. 'How much do you charge?' 'We don't charge anything.' 'Well, you can't…
- You know when the Gurkha visited — your head falls offJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Former Gurkha monk: you always know when a Gurkha visited in the night — you wake, shake your head, and it falls off.
- “You must be the father-in-law!”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a wedding of a young Thai bride and an Australian man, Ajahn Brahm greets the elderly Australian as the father-in-law — he is the groom.
- 'You ordained to forget'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visiting Ajahn Juin, a famous old Thai monk at the top-hat-shaped mountain monastery Phu Tok, Ajahn Brahm hears a Bangkok lady ask him, 'Did you become a monk because you had a…
- “You're dressed like a girl. That's sick.”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: While loading the overloaded Kombi van in North Perth in his first years in Australia, a 14-year-old visiting her grandmother next door eyes the robed, bald monk with teenage…
- “You're either going to get better or you're going to die”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Seriously ill with typhus in a Ubon hospital with no night nurse, young Ajahn Brahm is overjoyed when the famous Ajahn Chah visits — for five seconds. Ajahn Chah says,…
- 'You're not getting old, Ajahn — you're already old'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm told his monks he was getting old. A very kind Swiss monk said, with touching sincerity — monks don't lie — 'No, Ajahn, you're not getting old.' Pause. 'You're…
- “You're old enough to know better”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Walking in robes through Doncaster early one morning with Ajahn Sumedho, about 20 years his senior, a businessman on his way to work looks at them with disgust and says to Ajahn…
- You're the girl whose name I keep forgettingJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When strangers ask 'Do you remember me?' after talks to hundreds or thousands, a joke-book escape: 'Oh yes — you're the girl whose name I keep forgetting.'
- You've demoted meJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A sweet village woman finishes a Colombo meditation course and is certified a stream-winner (sotāpanna). She is furious — last year they said she was a non-returner. Course…
- Your brother will snore — and so will youStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A visiting monk's brother needs a bed; Brahm warns that sharing a room means the brother will snore — and so will the monk. The guest insists it will be fine; of course Brahm is…
- “Your meditation can't be that good”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At the Serpentine doctor's surgery a monk sees an advert for another meditation group and suggests the doctor's people come to theirs instead. The reply: your meditation group…
- Zen and the Art of ShippingStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a transport forum (about clay trucks passing the monastery) a journalist interviews Ajahn Brahm about shipping; game for anything, he makes up 'the Buddhist idea of shipping'.…