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Story · Ajahn Brahm

The two sisters: one with a husband, one without

As told by Ajahn Brahm in Making Our Own Joy | Ajahn Brahm | 04 Dec 2015

6 min read

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

These two Thai sisters came one day to see me. Oh, I'll never forget this. They still come to feed us every now and again, but they wanted personal counseling. And so I talked to them and the elder sister first. And the elder sister said to me, he said, "Oh, you know, I've got a husband, a Western husband, Australian guy." He said, "I can't stand him." There's so much suffering and and now I'm just really wondering should I keep working on this? Is it really salvageable or should I sort of get divorced and try again? And you all know again I don't call it divorce anymore. I sped this word around in Singapore. They really liked it. We don't call it divorce. What do we call it in Buddhism? Recycling. Yes. It's a much much more positive word. So, and she was thinking of getting divorced. And so, I gave her some nice ideas about how to solve the problems in a marriage because it's not that hard to solve problems in marriage. Even as a monk, I can do that. Like, oh, this great story which just comes to my mind. Some of these are golden oldies, but you know, they're just great stories about this because actually the lady who told me this, you know, I was uh had lunch with her yesterday in Singapore. She told me that she was a bit of a marriage counselor in her early years and she had one client who came to her Singapore lady. She couldn't stand her husband because her husband was coming home very late at night. She was certain that he had a mistress. And so she told the marriage counselor, you know, actually I don't really need counseling. I just want to get rid of the guy. I want to divorce. I want to separate. Just help me get rid of him. And a marriage counselor was a very very smart girl. She said, "Look, if you divorce him now, do you think he will be happy or he'll be miserable?" And she thought about actually it's what he wants. He'd be really happy. And in your present state, do you want him to be happy? No, I want him to be miserable. So this is the plan. Don't get divorced yet when he, you know, doesn't like you. Go out and get a really good hairstyle. Go and get your face, you know, made up. Go and learn a bit more grooming. Go and get some sexy clothes. And when he comes home, just being really nice to him. Just cuddle him and see what happens. because you fell in love once, see if you can make him fall in love with you again. And when he does fall in love with you again, then divorce him. Yeah. Yeah. What a great idea. So that's what they did. She spent a lot of money just getting sort of uh uh face done up and nice hairstyle and what they call it, a makeover. A nice makeover. So she really looked much more attractive and every week go and see the marriage counselor. He started coming home earlier and earlier and earlier. He started becoming more affectionate towards her and they'd always ask how's it going? Yeah, he's you know he's becoming much more affectionate. It's really seems to be working. He's falling in love with me again. And then she missed an appointment. And so the the counselor called her up at home said, "You missed an appointment this week. What happened?" He said, "Oh, well, he's having such a lot of time. He's fallen in love with me. I'm sure of it." "Great," said the counselor. "Now's the time to divorce him." "Oh, no. We're so much in love now." Mission accomplished. Cuz all it is that sometimes is we have a little bit of problems in life, but there's always ways we can work it out. They fall in love with you once, why not try and fall in love again? Now do something like romantic. No, don't come. Honestly, don't come to the Buddhist society if you want to have a nice romance. You know, we're going to get soon another couple of months Valentine's Day. Go and get her a present. Like that one of my favorite jokes like the person who asked his his wife, he said, "Valentine's Day tomorrow, darling, what do you want?" And she said, "I need nothing. I've got you." He said, "Yes, but what do you want?" He'd been married long enough to know women. And so she looked at him and said, "Something, anything with diamonds in." So when she opened her present the following day, she found a pack of playing cards. It has 13 diamonds in it. So that's what you guys you can get for your your wife's Christmas present. A pack of play cards. Diamonds, darling. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Anyway, back to reality. So I told this lady, you've got husband suffering. That's what it's like having a husband. you ask other women and it's just it's a difficulty having a relationship. It's not easy but you know you can work at it and make it work. And the junior sister, this the younger one of course her problem was she was looking for a partner in life like many people do. They can't find one. You know they find someone who's just almost okay but then it just all goes pear-shaped. It doesn't work. And people keep telling me actually see all these girls coming up here say I just really need a partner in life. I'm looking for someone to go out with and share my life with someone I can trust. And see all these nice guys come up. I'm looking for a girl. I really should start a dating agency cuz I've got all these potential clients and they're all really nice people. I can't understand it cuz I've known some of these people for such a long time. Why can't you get on together? You I get on with you. Really nice people, really good people. But anyway, this is coming in in a few moments. But I told this lady said, "You you are looking for a husband, somebody you can share your life with. And your elder sister has got a husband she doesn't want. I can see a solution." And I actually said that they got very upset at me. I don't know why. It's logic. It's reason. Your sister's got a husband she doesn't want. a younger sisters and I wants one share. Isn't that what brothers and sisters are supposed to do? But then I told her, okay, you've got, you know, a single woman suffering. And I said, if you find a partner in life, you'll have what your elder sister have, married woman suffering. And so they actually understood that. They said, "Yeah, you're right. And if you're married, you have married woman suffering. If you're single, you have single woman suffering." So they thought they'd become nuns. And I said, "If you become nuns, then you have none suffering. Go and ask the nuns at Gijigan.

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 9:55 (to 17:33)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

One sister wanted out of her marriage; the other longed for a husband. Ajahn Brahm's tongue-in-cheek fix, that they share, went down badly, but the point landed. Married, single or ordained, each life has its own troubles. Rather than waiting for the situation that ends all problems, learn to stop complaining about the one you're in.

In brief (our summary)

Two Thai sisters come for counselling. The elder can't stand her Australian husband and is considering divorce ('recycling'); the younger desperately wants a partner. Ajahn Brahm suggests the logical solution — the elder sister has a husband she doesn't want and the younger wants one: share! They're upset. He explains: married-woman suffering, single-woman suffering… so they think of becoming nuns, and he tells them that's nun suffering — ask the nuns at Dhammasara.

Teaching point

Most people just want to exchange one form of suffering for another; the suffering is in complaining, not the situation.

When this story may help

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in Making Our Own Joy | Ajahn Brahm | 04 Dec 2015 · 2015-12-06 · ▶ watch from 9:55 to 17:33 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

1 other telling of this story

Caption notes: YouTube auto-captions: unpunctuated, words left exactly as captioned. 'Gijigan' = Dhammasara (nuns' monastery at Gidgegannup) (not changed).

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

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    Look at this story, this is a great story told to me by a marriage counselor in Singapore. She had a client, her client was really, lost all of her love for her husband who was coming home late from work, she suspected he had a mistress, and he wouldn't sort of admit anything, the relationship was so on the rocks, it was almost as fast to the bottom of the sea as the Titanic. But she went to the marriage counselor, she said I want to get a divorce. And the marriage counselor very skillfully said, “does he love you?” then “No! Of course he doesn't love me”. Well then, said the counselor, “if you divorce him now he'll be very happy. Is that what you want?” “No!” [laughter] “So here's the plan - see if you can make him love you again - you know, dress up, be kind, be charming, you know, use all of your skills as a woman to win him back and then when he falls in love with you again then divorce him!” (laughter). She says “yeah, yeah! that's the way to treat men”. So that was the plan. So, she did what she was suggested, she brought some new clothes, had a nice sort of makeover sort of was really kind even though he came home late, she's really charming. And every week she'd either call or visit the counselor. "How's it going?" She said actually it's beginning to work, he's coming home earlier and he’s actually being nice to me. She said, "great keep on going, the plan's working." And as the weeks went past he came home early, was more friendly with her, started cuddling and kissing her and everything, and then she never called the counselor any more. And so the counselor after a month called the client said “what's happening? Is he in love with you yet?” “Yeah, he is”. The counselor said: “Great! Time to divorce him!” “Oh no...he’s so nice now.” [laughter] Mission accomplished. That was the plan all along.

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