If they flush the holy book — call a plumber

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• The priest who checked heaven and hell by train

  In brief: A wealthy philosophy professor asks a priest whether virtuous non-Christians (Buddha, Socrates, Marcus Aurelius, Voltaire, Gandhi) must go…

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  an anecdote at the end of the sermon they asked a question it happened to be this new uh member of the congregation who was not only very wealthy but was also a philosophy professor at University and so when he put his hand up and said I want to ask a question the priest said okay you can ask it's not usually done and the question was this he said you just know taught you know from your Christian Bible that the only people who can go to heaven have to believe in Jesus and he said is that true because said the professor there' been these wonderful people such as you know such as the Buddha such as not Socrates he was a very wise and very virtuous man such as the uh the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius you know have you ever seen his contemplations of Marcus ofus is very inspiring stuff you know you got people even like new people like say Maham m Gandhi he didn't believe in Jesus he was a Hindu so what happens to them do they have to go to hell now the priest you know was very smart guy so he said well you it's a really big question and I don't think we got the time now to answer I'll tell you next week in my sermon it's one of the things I always do if in doubt procrastinate so usually you know as a priest you know they work very hard on a Sunday so Monday they have the day off it's rest relaxation day on Tuesday he went into his study you know got out all the books and tried to find an answer and it was a really good question he couldn't find an answer which would be suitable for a professor so he rang up his mate another sort of priest much older than him on Wednesday they made an appointment had coffee and discussed it and the priest said look this is too complicated for me too you better go and see the Archbishop so on Thursday went to see the Archbishop I so the Thursday the bishop and on Thursday went to see the bishop the bishop Bop said well you know this is something for the Archbishop not me so on Friday went to see the Archbishop and the Archbishop said actually you should go and see the Theologian you know these professors who live in universities they'll probably know the answer so on Saturday he went to see the Theologian the Theologian gave him an answer couldn't understand a word of it that's what theologians are like only other theologians can understand what they're saying so there he was Saturday night without an answer to following day he'd have to front up you know to this uh Professor so he didn't sleep well that night in fact he was just very restless what was he going to say so he got up very early in the morning he did what he should have done to begin with he went into his church early in the morning and started praying and it was probably because he hadn't slept the night that he fell asleep fell asleep at the alter and as he was falling asleep he had one of these dreams these really Vivid dreams he was at a railway station and he sort of knew where that train on that platform was headed for but he asked you know the station gu said that train over there it wouldn't be going to heaven would it and the station guard said yes and seeing as you're a priest you can go up there half price so he got a half price ticket and he got on the train just like in dreams like time is really weird in no time at all the train appeared on this platform and he saw on the side of the platform the letters h e a v n it was Heaven he'd arrived so he got outside so he could actually ask his questions he searched around for a little while and so soon he found this man in this white robe with a little donut on top of his head and he said excuse me sir he said yes how can I help you he said now what's the name of this place he said it's Heaven welcome he said great now I want to ask you two questions he said of course ask he said how long you been up here and he said I've been up here hundreds of hundreds of years said this Angel he said great so you must know most people yeah I know most people up here how can I help you what's question number two he said look I want to know if these people are up here first of all there's this Indian guy the Buddha is he up here he said the Buddha never heard of the fellow what about Socrates this Greek guy very very smart very wise said no haven't heard of him either what about Marcus aelius no what about Vol this really funny guy volarus know his playright and philosopher said no what about Gandy just a new arrival haven't heard of that name either he said and the priest was So Satisfied he have his answer he'd got it right the Bible was correct so feeling self-satisfied he went back to the station to get the train back but he saw on another platform there was another train and he just wanted to make sure he knew where the other train was going to so he went to the station guard and said that train over there would be going to a place called hell he said yes that's where that one's going to so he brought a return ticket and he got on the train and in no time at all it arrived at this other station and he saw on the outside this big sign saying h e l l but he saw some balloons tied to the the station sign which was a bit strange and as soon as it got out he didn't need to seek anybody someone came right up to him and gave him a big hug welcome thank you for coming is anything we can get you to drink how about a nice cup of tea or do you want some orange juice or apple juice you don't just hold on a bit what about a sandwich you must be very tired sit down the fellow was so kind and compassionate said look look please please thank you so much for your kindness but you know what is this place it's hell welcome are you sure you don't want something to eat how about a pizza how about some fish and chips we've got some really nice fish and chips down here freshly fried no no no no look come please please I just want to ask you two questions how long you been down here I've been down here thousands of years he said great he said so you know most people oh yeah I know everyone up here there such nice people up here you know he said look look look look are there anybody down here call the Buddha oh the Buddha such a wise and compassionate being oh he's one of the most important people down here so what about Socrates oh yeah my goodness his wisdom is so deep Marcus aelius great poet voler such a funny guy we love going to his place what about what about Gandy a him he's just come here he's so well respected he's so peaceful and kind and the priest was actually quite happy he said look that's what I always believed in but there's something wrong cuz I always told that hell was a place of torment and tor culture where people are having a very tough time but you seem so happy and there's even balloons along the station what's up here and the a the hell being whatever you call him said oh well yes it used to be like that before the Buddha came down here

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• The Pope, the Archbishop and the putt

  In brief: The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury settle church unity with 18 holes of golf. On the last green the Pope misses putt after putt,…

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  But the Anglican church and the Catholic church were trying to sort of get some reconciliation. Trying to move together. They're both Christian groups and in the end they couldn't really reconcile. So they decided to let God choose which was the right form of Christianity. And the way they were going to do this with the Archbishop and the Pope they both like golf. So they decided to play 18 rounds of, 18 holes of golf. Whoever won, if the Archbishop of Canterbury won the Pope will become a Protestant. It will be God's will. And if, if the Pope won the Archbishop would convert to being a Catholic together with all the Protestants. And that way they could unite and it'll be God's choice. Fair enough. If you believe in divine intervention, so let God decide who's the best, who's the most authentic. The Catholics or the Anglicans. So they started their round of golf. They got to the last hole, the 18th hole. The Archbishop had already put his ball into the hole, the Pope was two shots ahead. If he sagged this 18-foot putt he would win. And the Anglican Archbishop together with every Anglican in the world would have to convert to being Catholics. So you can imagine the stress of that shot. He was so nervous, he hit it way too hard and it went way past the hole maybe six foot past. He missed his first opportunity. He's still one shot ahead. And so he lost it. He swore “damn it! Missed!” he said. And his caddy, because all this golfers have to have caddies. Guess who his caddy was? It was one of the Catholic nuns. I won't explain why but I think you mostly know. So the Catholic nun saw the Pope swear “damn it! Missed!” and said: “Your grace or your holiness, you shouldn't swear like that. That's a sin. You shouldn't do that. She's looking up in the sky. He said “oh I'm stressed out. Too excited. I'm terribly sorry. And I won't do it again.” and he had another shot. If he hold this shot he'd still win by one one hole. So he's still… the Archbishop would have to become a Catholic. So he really relaxed. Tried to get rid of his anxiety and stress. He hit the ball again. Not hard enough. It only went halfway to the hole. “Damn it! Missed!” he said. And the poor nun looked up in the sky, crossed herself and said “don't do that. You're tempting fate. In your position you should know better.” “I'm terribly sorry sister. This stress, the anxiety, the stakes are so high.” He had one more shot. If he missed this one he'd have to become a Protestant. He had to hold this one to draw. The stakes were really high. And so he hit the ball, it went straight to the hole, but then just went on the outside and missed. And this time he really swore loudly: “damn it! Missed!” he said and before the nun could cross herself there was a huge clap of thunder from the sky and a lightning bolt came down from the clouds and hit the nun. Why are you laughing at that? And the nun dropped down dead. And a great voice from the sky boomed out: “damn it! Missed!”

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• Who sits next to God?

  In brief: A man who went to church every Sunday, gave donations and kept the Ten Commandments dies and goes to heaven, expecting to see Jesus beside…

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  I don't know if you've heard this story; but there was a person who, he went to church every Sunday, and he gave donations, even kept the 10 commandments. And when he died, he went up to heaven and he saw God. And he thought that Jesus will be sitting next to God. And who did he see sitting next to God? A cleaning lady with a mop and a bucket and a duster. He said I thought Jesus was gonna sit next to God. The person said "didn't we tell you cleanliness is next to godliness?" That's today's joke.

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• In Laos, war stops for lunch

  In brief: A monk friend, in Luang Prabang during the war between the communists and royalists, is eating lunch at a bamboo-and-thatch restaurant…

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  I remember one of the stories this I never saw this myself but this was told to me by one of my friends who was a monk he was in luang probang the second the city of Laos doing the the war with the Communists and the royalists and this is actually how you relax he was at one of these little restaurants you know they would fare every occupational health and safety regulation in Australia but the food was delicious you know dirty but great food bamboo and thatch that's all there was and he'd go there for his lunch he was sitting at a table eating some delicious meal and he did notice there was a government soldiers they were sitting at another table having their lunch with the M16 the old machine gun rifles leaning against the wall this was lunchtime and he was enjoying his lunch when his heart almost stopped when he saw the Communist soldiers came in they called potato at the time these were the enemy this was a watch in the Vietnam War times and the the Communists came into the restaurant and he went to dive under the table but no one else was trying to escape or dive under the table because they saw the enemy troops the Communist troops they just looked around and chose another table they put their guns against the wall and they ordered their lunch because in Laos at that time War always stops for lunch oh would it be a wonderful thing if even these days people get their priorities right and lost they'd always have a lunch break when you're free fighting a war and that's what they did those days and of course afterwards said what happened next after lunch was over all of them they had some understanding the you know the Communist troops would go one way the rewarders will go the other way so they would have to meet each other

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