It was only a cough

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• The fourth priest's confession

  In brief: Four religious leaders, old friends, sit on a bench after a conference and confess their secret weaknesses. One is a compulsive gambler,…

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  four priests who were at a conference and over lunch they are sitting together, having their lunch together and one said to the other, this morning we were talking about confession how important it is that we share everything even if we made a mistake that we bring it up and tell our friends. So he said I have a confession to make. I know it is very difficult to say this but ahhh! every Monday is our day-off any wine left after the confession I drink it and I also go to the bottle shop and take as much liquor as I possibly can he said: I am an alcoholic. said the priest. The other priest said you have been hiding it so well; we never suspected that. It's a terrible thing to do for someone who is a moral leader to be an alcoholic. Never-mind you confessed may be we can help you. And then the other one, next one sort of said Well it is a bit hard but seeing as you confessed to be an alcoholic ahhh! he said I am a gambler. He said I am addicted to gambling Sometimes I take money out of the donation box, I intend to pay it back but I'll bet on anything, horse racing, on TV gambling I am an addicted gambler. I have big debts, he said. And the other two... said that's a terrible thing for someone in your position to be stealing and gambling And they all looked at the third person and said what's your thing, you like to confess he said I don't really want to tell you; but they had to forced it out of him he said it's adultery. there is one of the women who comes to his church they have being having an affair she is married That's terrible that you should do a thing like that but isn't it wonderful you can actually confess to your friends. They asked the fourth priest. Said what's your worst thing; and he said 'don't ask me', don't go there. They said no no surely you can tell us, we have told you that alcoholism, gambling, adultery, Surely it can't be worse than that. He said it is, must worse. What is it? He said 'look whatever I hear, I have to tell all my friends, I am a gossip

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• “In the building trade we call it a feature”

  In brief: After Ajahn Brahm tells the two-bad-bricks story at the Cancer Support Association, a builder reassures him professionals make the same…

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  Once when I was teaching in Cancer Support Association over in Cottesloe, they're still over there. Teaching...teaching that story because sometimes going through chemotherapy and radiation therapy can really cause a lot of depression. So I told that and yeah you got cancer but there's many other things happening in your life. Look at all the parts of the body which haven't got cancer. There's two bad bricks there, two bad tumours, what about the other parts which are beautiful, which are healthy? Look at that, it actually takes away a lot of fear. And anyway I told that, one of these builders came up afterwards and he said Ajahn Brahm please don't be upset you made two mistakes when you're laying bricks, professional builders do the same, he said. But then he said I'll tell you a secret, and I've told his secret to millions of people...internationally. He said...don't tell me your secrets, they'll be on YouTube next day...[LAUGHTER]. He said, in the building industry where we make a mistake like that we call it a feature. We call it a feature and we charge our clients an extra few thousand dollars for it.

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• Under a gynaecologist, and no pyjamas

  In brief: On his last hospital stay, at Rockingham, Ajahn Brahm is admitted under a family-friend doctor who is a gynaecologist — his bed sign…

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  That was about 26 years ago now. Yeah 26 years ago was the last time I went to hospital. It was in Rockingham Hospital. It's very interesting because the fellow who looked after me it's actually the secretary Gita's father. And he's a gynecologist. But because he knew me sort of he said oh let's… I'll take you in and I'll look after you. So, on the bed there was: Ajahn Brahm's doctor: dr Mendez, gynecologist. I do look weird enough wearing these robes. But being under a gynecologist, that was really cool. And all the nurses, “what, what are you?” good fun. But especially when you check in you know, you've got to check in first of all. The first question they asked me at the reception: “where's your pyjamas?” “monks don't have pajamas.” “but you've got to have pyjamas.” “but I don't have any!” “but you have to.” I said “listen. It's these robes or nothing. Take your choice.” and actually they let me wear my robes.

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• “I never expected to see you in here”

  In brief: Feeling awful and waiting at the local doctor's surgery, Ajahn Brahm is greeted by a friend from the temple: “I never expected to see you…

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  Years and years and years ago, I had, I think, some sort of sickness and never found out exactly what it was about, over 20 years ago now, the last time I was really sick.. And I went to the doctors and I was sitting there in the doctor's surgery in Byford waiting for the doctor to call me in, and somebody who knew me came into the doctor's surgery and they saw me, this monk, who meditates, who lives a nice peaceful lifestyle, who doesn't get involved in the stresses of normal life, and they looked at me and they said “I never expected to see you in here!” [laughter]. And I felt really guilty - maybe I wasn't eating enough brown rice, maybe I wasn't exercising.. I'm supposed to be a monk! I'm supposed to be healthy, living a good lifestyle, and he made me feel guilty about being in a doctor's surgery. Okay, if I was in a pub or a brothel or something then and I should feel guilty [laughter], but what's wrong with being in a doctor's surgery!?

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