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• The boy who failed grade one three times

  In brief: A north-east Thai boy fails grade one three years running, so he is sent to the village monastery, where even the patient abbot can't…

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  There was one of my favourite monks in Thailand long time ago. I only heard about him when I was a young monk. I never actually met him. But the reason why I was impressed by him was his story how he became a monk, and how he became fully enlightened. Because he was a young kid when he went to grade one in school in the northeast of Thailand, it was only basic education. Only four years of school. This was over 40 50 years ago. Only four years at school and then you are out in the fields ploughing and doing stuff with your father and mother. It was subsistence economy. So when he went to grade one at school after finishing the year, his teacher said "I'm sorry, I can't pass you. You can't go on to grade two. You have to repeat grade one." I don't know how anyone could fail grade one at school. Maybe plasticine, you can't do. Otherwise how can you fail grade one? But this kid was so stupid, he failed grade one and had to repeat it when all his friends went on to grade two. And after another year in grade one, his teacher said "Look, I'm sorry. Just for the best one in the world. You have to repeat it for third year." And after three years of repeating grade one at school, that teacher the headmaster again "Sorry we can't pass this kid. He's that stupid." And anyone who can't pass grade one after three tries, it's a waste of time, sort of getting him to help plough the fields. He doesn't know one end of a water buffalo from another end. And so the only place they could send him and this was in Thailand in those times if you're that stupid, you can't pass grade one after three years, was to send him into the monastery and make him a novice monk. Now not all novice monks start their life out like that. [laughter] And the reason they sent him to the monastery, village monastery, because that was just a catcher that was a social safety net. And at least the head monk in these monasteries they are always incredibly kind and so patient. Much more patient now than any sort of teacher in a school. So, this head monk in this monastery took this young kid under his wing and tried as much as he could to train him. Now we have to do some sort of chanting, you know, as a Buddhist monk. He tried to teach him how to chant simple things like the Namo Tassa. And so you get the first word Namo. Yeah, what's the second word? Tassa? Oh, yeah, Tassa. What's the first word again? He was just so dumb. He could not even do Namo Tassa. And after a couple of years in the monastery in the village, even the abbot just could not teach him. So the last resort, the final resting place for such hopeless little kids were the forest monasteries, where I come from. [laughter] They said send him to one of these forest monasteries. That's where you don't have to do the chanting, and you just meditate all day. And this fellow, his mind was so simple. They just asked him, just notice and watch your breath go in and out. And he could do it no problem at all. Because he, you know, he didn't think that much, not like you guys. And so this person who everyone thought was stupid, he got into the deep meditations really quickly, and very quickly became fully enlightened, an arahat. So you say, who's a stupid one? Not this guy, his mind was so peaceful, they're so pure and kind. Interestingly, I remember the story. They said, well, you know, as a monk, he has to do some chanting. And he could chant very well after that experience. Because what he actually did. So he said, with a powerful mind like that he could remember his past lives, remember the past life when he was a monk before and when he actually did learn the chanting. And he would actually connect with that past life whenever he had to do the chanting. So you know he's actually sent his memory back. And that's where he could chant in this life.

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• Six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy

  In brief: A psychological 'assessment' of the Seven Dwarfs proves six out of seven aren't happy — because only one was named Happy.

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  six out of Seven Dwarfs aren't happy that terrible joke isn't it six out of Seven Dwarfs aren't happy because now one of the drawers was named happy

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• The secret security pen — “We like you, that's your best security device”

  In brief: At a dangerous men's prison (Canning Vale, as he corrects himself) Ajahn Brahm is given a 'secret' alarm pen to point at the ceiling…

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  I remember the time once I I went into the prison at casarina used to be no not casarina sorry the one in Canning it used to be called canning Val a long time ago I think it's now called hakei or something they changed the name still the same place and because it was a prison and had some very tough and mean people in there many other visitors had been attacked it was a Men's prison but it didn't mean because you were also a m you won't get attacked and raped and it happened many times so at the gate when I checked in they warned me it's a dangerous place and some people have been in that prison for so long didn't matter what they did it's not really going to make much difference they were going to die in that prison so what's a you know they got no no reason not to offend again they can't add to the sentence so it's a very dangerous place and so as I checked in at the gate they gave me what looked to all intents and purposes like a pen like an ordinary bro pen but they told me this is not an ordinary pen it's a secret security device and they said if you look at the ceilings you will notice what looks like smoke detectors they're not smoke detectors they're are security devices if someone if anybody tries to attack you point the pen at one of those devices and press the top and then the alarm will go off and we'll know exactly in the prison where you are and we will come and save you and he said put it in your pocket and I looked at the person I wear robes I don't have pockets you know really really we cause a lot of problems for many people you know sometime sometimes the reason I got a a microphone in front of me is because sometimes people like clip these things on your um use it on your jacket or on your shirt you know but I this keeps on falling off it's a terrible thing to do that's why sometimes you go into these radio shows or TV shows and they'll try and clip things on and say forget it it's going to fall off we cause a lot of problem for a lot of people we monks but nevertheless I enjoy that and so there's no place to so just hold it they said Hold the pen but they said be careful this is really secret if the prisoners found out we wouldn't be able to use this anymore so don't tell anybody and as soon as I went into my class one of the people I knew there he said oh you've got one of those security devices too of course they know that's why I tell all the monks down at Serpentine and the nuns at Gigan don't think that the people here in D Loa don't know everything which is going on in those monasteries there is a very strong grape vine goes on and if there's any problems in any of these monasteries you know about it so the monks we know no secrets and it's wonderful not to have any secrets but anyway so when I went in there this prisoner and you he was actually a really good friend cuz I known him a long time and you know he's a violent man but you know you get to know these guys and he said to me he said brah do you really think you could press that button before I jumped you and held you down and I said no you get me first he said yeah I would but I wasn't scared CU what he said next I knew he was going to say he said but brah if any of these guys behind tried that i' would get them first we like you and that's your best security device

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• Dying peacefully like Dad (the bus-driver joke)

  In brief: A comedian wants to die peacefully in his sleep like his father — unlike the screaming passengers on the bus his father was driving.

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  He said, "When I die, I want to die in my sleep just like my father. He died in his sleep. Not like the passengers in the bus he was driving at the time, screaming and shouting."

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