The wedding without rings

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• The toilet frame with no hole

  In brief: For Western visitors, the monastery made a sitting frame to place over squat toilets. An 18-year-old English visitor sits on a frame…

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  I remember there was this one girl, this one girl came from England. She was like 18 or 19 years of age, came to visit our monastery. And you know the squat toilets we have in Asia where you squat down on them? So some people have a hard time squatting down on the toilets. You know, they fall over and that's not such a good thing when you want to go. So instead of actually down, we built, especially, out of compassion for all these visitors from places like England and Australia, we built like a frame so you can put it over the squat toilet and actually sit on it. You know, because most people use the squat toilet, so we just put this frame just to the side. And that's the toilet which this girl used. It just had no hole in the bottom. No water. It was only a frame. But she sat on it and did her business and it went all on the floor. [laughter]. Exactly! That's what you did. That's what Ajahn Chah did. That's what I did. I thought it was terribly funny. "Oh thank you for doing that. You gave me another story!

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• They lost the plot (Guildford Cemetery)

  In brief: After the joke about funeral directors who 'lost the plot', Ajahn Brahm recalls it really happening at Guildford Cemetery: walking ahead…

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  I know you don't heard the joke about you know the funeral Directors, you know who couldn't find the gravesite They lost the plot For that actually happened to me once I think in Guildford Cemetery and As we're doing the procession from the gates and when they were going and just now we're going in the front end and the hearse was following myself and the funeral director and the northern mourners behind and they Were going and I said, no. This is a long way. He said you know. I don't know where it is And we looked over there maybe about 300 meters away and that people were waving at us there's over here

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• The glasses on top of his nose

  In brief: Halfway down Kingsbury Drive on the way to a Friday talk, Ajahn Brahm tells his driver to turn back for the glasses he needs for committee…

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  this was some years ago, you know when I started wearing glasses. Amandus wrote this in I think my biography book. I was leaving Bodhinyana monastery to come here on a Friday night. And it was halfway down Kingsbury drive and I said Amandus was my driver. I said you gotta turn around. I looked in my bag I left my glasses in the monastery. You've got to turn around. I need that you know read all the documents for the committee. And he turned to me and said “Ajahn Brahm, have you checked on top of your nose?” I looked in my bag, I looked in the glove box, I looked everywhere. Except where my glasses actually were: on the top of my nose.

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• “But I'm alive — it was my husband who died!”

  In brief: At a funeral Ajahn Brahm eulogises the wrong parent; the very-much-alive mother stands up at the back to correct him.

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  I was telling the funeral director about one of the funerals I did once for a couple who comes here. One of their parents died. I'm doing the funeral service and saying, "Oh, it's such a shame that your mother passed away, she was such a good Buddhist, and she'd done so much." Then this old lady stood up at the back and said, "It's not me, it's my husband. I'm alive! It's he who's dead."

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