Five fingers arguing who is most important

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• “Sir, you're drunk” — “Madam, you're ugly”

  In brief: Ajahn Brahm tells the 'greatest put-down' he knows, which he attributes to Oscar Wilde: coming out of a bar completely drunk, at a time…

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  you can't beat that Oscar Wilde who's greatest put I ever heard: when he came out of some sort of nightclub or some bar, completely drunk, and of course this was a time when being drunk was even worse as a social stigma than it is today. Actually, probably in Australia it's not a social stigma at all. (audience chuckles) an accolade but anyway in those days, when being drunk was considered to be socially unacceptable, he came out drunk and this woman said to him "Sir, you're drunk" and he replied "Madam, you're ugly." (audience laughs) and the killing phrase was "the difference between us: in the morning I'll be sober.

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• The TV star he didn't recognise

  In brief: Teaching a small meditation class in Double Bay, Sydney, Ajahn Brahm notices a woman at the back smiling at him and wonders who on earth…

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  Now one story. I should actually find out who this lady was, but she was some TV star. I think she was in Water Rats, or something. I don't know her name. Somebody told me, she is really really famous. If I told you her name now I think you would all know her. But I went to teach, it was just an afternoon meditation session in Sydney. This fellow had a little group in Darling Point, like a really top, affluent place of Sydney. So he's in this little group. There are about sort-of 20-30 people. I was talking about meditation. And this lady kept on looking at me and smiling. I didn't know, she was acting very strange. Not like an ordinary girl. [Laughter]. And, in the end, I just took it in my stride and taught the meditation etc., and afterwards I mentioned to the person organizing this and said, "That lady was acting really strange." And he told me that that was a famous TV actress. I figured out she was looking at me strangely because I didn't recognize her. What she was actually saying is, "See, it's me; I am the famous TV star." [laughter] Ajahn Brahm: And I didn't know. [laughter]

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• Chicken or duck?

  In brief: A newly married couple walking home from the temple hear 'quack quack'. She says, 'Darling, that's a chicken.' He says it's a duck —…

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  It's the great old story of the chicken and the duck. If you haven't heard this story before, this is a doozy, this is a great one. Once upon a time there was this couple who had just been married and after going to the temple for a nice talk, it was a beautiful evening so they went on a walk on the way back home. And as they were walking, they heard a sound quack quack quack and straightaway sort of the girl, the wife said: “darling do you hear that? That's a chicken.” I'm glad you laugh because those people who laugh haven't heard the story before, so at least some of you haven't heard the story. “That's a chicken,” and he said “darling that was not a chicken, that was a duck,” and she said “no no I'm sure it was a chicken.” It went quack quack again; “you see that's a chicken,” and he said “Darling, chickens go cockadoodledoo, that went quack quack that means it's a duck okay.” She said “No, I'm sure that was a chicken”. He said “It was a duck”. She said “No no it was a chicken”. He said “It was a duck, d.u.c.k duck”. And then she started to cry, “But, but he's a chicken”. They went quack quack again. Then he suddenly remembered what he'd heard at this temple many many times. He squeezed her hand and said “I apologize darling, I think you're right, it is a chicken”. And she squeezed his hand back and said “thank you”. And then they carried on their walk in peace and had a wonderful evening together.

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• The minister who read their minds

  In brief: Long ago a Thai minister is so wise that the king always prefers his advice, and the other ministers, jealous, plot to embarrass him. In…

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  There was this guy actually he was a a minister in the Thai government many many know decades ago, hundreds of years ago. And they he was really smart. He was so smart that everyone else was jealous of him. The king always prepare preferred this minister's advice than anybody else. So you know what it's like in politics. They decided to gang up to get rid of this guy. He was always embarrassing them. So they decided to challenge him. So in the morning in front of the king they said your minister you're so lucky to have such a wise and experienced minister you know he knows everything and the said yeah that's true he was so arrogant and the other minister said he probably knows how to read our minds and he said yes I do he'd fallen into their trap already agreed even if they he could read their minds. Even if he said exactly what they were thinking, they would deny it. How can you prove what a person is thinking? So he said, "Yes, I can read all your minds." So what are we thinking? And then this minister said, "Actually, every one of you is thinking the same thing. You're always thinking kind and benevolent and loyal thoughts towards his majesty. I said, "Yes, it's amazing. You read our minds." [laughter] Of of course they weren't thinking that at all, but to deny that would put them in big trouble.

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