Being Mindful Stories

Story · Ajahn Brahm

No visitors — except Ajahn Brahm

As told by Ajahn Brahm in Outer Space and Inner Space | Ajahn Brahm | 02-01-2015

1 min read

Content note: death; illness

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

there was a notice on it. The notice said, “ABSOLUTELY NO VISITORS” and the nurse looked at me, “See!" "Huh!” [laughs] There was a notice up there, "absolutely no visitors," but I looked closely, you know what it said on the bottom? ‘Except Ajahn Brahm’ [laughter] And a Buddhist should not do this but I couldn’t resist, “SEE!!!” [laughter]. She deserved it, but really, I should have been more compassionate and kind. And she just went off in a huff. [laughs] And that was one of my memorable moments, getting my own back. But then of course I went in the door, when I went in the door, the first thing I said, when she welcomed me, I said, “Why did you put that notice on there? Why did you say, absolutely no visitors except for me?” And she told me and this is important for you, she said, “When I have all these visitors, they see me, riddled with cancer, only got a day and a half, two days to go, and look at me” (and she did look like skin and bones, gaunt, not the person you knew six months ago). She said, “everybody who comes in to see me gets so depressed and they get so upset seeing me like this, one or two days from death. When they get so depressed and they start crying, that makes me feel bad. I’m bad enough as it is! I don’t need everybody else’s emotional baggage put on me!” She said, “Ajahn Brahm, you’re the only monk, only person who comes into this room who doesn’t get upset and instead tells me jokes. So, another joke please

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 27:42 (to 29:36)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

A dying nun's door said no visitors, except Ajahn Brahm. Everyone else cried, she explained, adding their grief to her pain; he smiled, joked and talked about death. Being with the dying isn't about showing how upset you are. Bring calm. Your peace can ease their way.

In brief (our summary)

A Tibetan nun dying in Shenton Park hospice asked him to come, but the nurse barred visitors until small print under 'absolutely no visitors' read 'except Ajahn Brahm'. She explained others cried and added to her pain; he smiled and joked about death.

Teaching point

Presence that does not dump emotion on the dying is a real gift.

When this story may help

  • visiting the dying
  • caregiving

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in Outer Space and Inner Space | Ajahn Brahm | 02-01-2015 · 2015-01-04 · ▶ watch from 27:42 to 29:36 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

7 other tellings of this story

Caption notes: Manual (volunteer) captions; occasional misspellings kept as is.

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

  • The young doctor who wanted to quit

    In brief: A first-year intern loses his first patient, a young mother, and must tell her husband that his wife is dead and his kids have no mother.…

    Read full story

    The doctor, he’s not here this evening, he lost his first patient first year as a doctor, as an intern, came to see me, wanted to resign, “I don’t want to be a doctor anymore.” Why? He said, “Cos I had to tell, I had to tell this girl’s widow, this young man, the one he loved the most in his life, is dead. And your kids have got no mother.” And you could see just the pain in this poor young man’s face. He’d just come back from the hospital, I don’t know whether it’s Royal Perth or Charlies Gairdner’s, just having told, you know, this poor guy, you know that he lost his wife, kids have no mom, and that just hurt him so much. Can you imagine having to do that? He said, “I can’t do this anymore, I have to just give in. I can’t be a doctor. Cos that’s going to happen again and I just can’t face having to be the one to tell somebody the incredibly painful news.” That’s when I told him and said, “You’ve misunderstood what being a doctor is all about. If you think that being a doctor is curing all your patients, you are going to fail so many times in your life. You’re going to go through this so many times. The reason is because you haven’t understood what the role of a doctor is. The role of a doctor is not to cure, is to care. To care for your patients, not to cure them.” You know what I mean, if curing is the number one thing you're supposed to do, some of the interventions which happen in hospitals today – cure at all costs, forget about caring for the patients. If it hurts, it’s going to prolong their life unnecessarily, that’s curing. Caring is a totally different agenda. If it’s caring, a lot of times, I have to care for this person, it’s time to let them go. No more interventions. The quality of their moment is more important than keeping them alive. And I said, “If your job as a doctor is to care for people, you will never have to fail. You can always care for people, you can’t always cure them. Therefore you can always be a successful doctor. You will lose many of your patients. They will die. But you will be able to go to their widow, to their family and say – they were cared for. They were cared for to the max, and the family, yeah they will be sad. They’ll realise everything was done and your loved one died, being loved and cared for.

    Open story page·Watch this telling

  • She asked the dog if it wanted to die

    In brief: A committee member's dog has cancer; the vet wants to euthanize. She asks for a few minutes, looks the dog in the eyes and asks if it…

    Read full story

    There's one of our members here years ago. She had this beautiful dog and the dog had cancer and the dog got such excellent care, expensive, but this uh girl didn't mind sort of spending money on her dog. And of course, he went took her to the do the vet and the vet said, [gasps] "Can't do anything more. Your dog's in pain. Can I sort of uh euthanize it? I mean, kill it. Yeah. And the woman, she'd been here so many times, she's actually one of our committee members years ago. And so he said, "Uh, can I please just have a few minutes with my dog?" And then after spending a few minutes with the dog, she went back to the vet and said, "No, I won't allow you to euthanize a dog." And the vet was shouted at her and scolded her. You Buddhists are just so selfish about your own religious views, not caring about the dog. But she stood her ground and said, "I'm taking it home." Now, what had happened? She'd heard what we taught here so many times that she took that dog in her arms in a quiet space, looked her dog in the eyes, [snorts] and asked the dog, "Do you want to die? Have you had enough? It's not my decision. It's yours. And whatever you tell me, I'll tell the vet. It's wrong to kill another being, but it's okay to ask them what they want to do and tell that to the vet. And she said, "I got the message back from the dog. It's your dog, your cat. You've you've been with them. You love them. If you ask the question, you'd feel what the answer is. It's very clear. No, I don't want to die. And she took the scolding from the vet. But 6 months later, she took the dog back to the vet, was in full remission, all by itself, and the vet said, "Oh, you Buddhists are so wise and kind."

    Open story page·Watch this telling

  • The man who attended his own funeral

    In brief: A terminally ill man in the United States decides to hold his funeral service a week or two before he dies, so he can be there to hear the…

    Read full story

    that gentleman in the United States who decided okay this is a bit of a pattern but here it comes decided to think outside the box decided to have his funeral service when he was still alive just a week or two before he died what a wonderful thing to do now his death was gonna happen you know it was predicted and one was unstoppable some disease we decided a week or two before his demise to hold his funeral service so he could be there and listen to the effect which he had had on other people's lives and he could be there to listen so what a great idea that would be but he also said that is also he could see a she who turned up for his funeral what he still had time to adjust the will

    Open story page·Watch this telling

  • The monkey who knocked on the monk's door

    In brief: An old monk living alone in a bamboo-and-thatch hut deep in the jungle hears a knock one night. At the door is a monkey from the forest…

    Read full story

    And there was a story this old monk told me. This old monk was he told some wonderful stories. He was living by himself in a bamboo and thatch hut in the middle of the jungle many years ago. He said even one evening late at night there was a knock on his door and he who's knocking on the door. No one comes here at nighttime. And he said that when he opened the door there was a a monkey who was holding a little dead baby. a dead baby monkey in her arms. And he realized this was one of the the monkeys in the forest around him who had lost her kid. And what does the monkey know what to do? He gave it to the monk or she gave it to the monk almost asking the monk, "Can you do something to bring my baby back to life?" And the monk just, you know, looked at the the baby monk. It was dead. no possibility of reviving it. But at least did some chanting and after doing the little chanting for the baby monkey gave the little baby back to its mom and the m monkey just obviously had very wet eyes just went away. which is like how sort of people live in the forest a long time. Actually, you actually the animals get to know you and somehow other this griefstricken mother monkey thought that maybe the monk could do something but it couldn't.

    Open story page·Watch this telling

All stories·Find a story for your situation