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• I'm the treasurer — I can squeeze five more drops

  In brief: At a Northbridge pub an ex-Olympic wrestler offered free drinks to anyone who could squeeze five more drops from a lemon he had already…

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  there was a pub here in Perth there's a pub it's in in Northbridge a rough area well not really rough area but you know so the nightclub area and in that Pub they had a competition the bar man of that Pub the owner he used to be an Olympic wrestler and I retired so you've got a pub and he had a standing competition once he squeezed a lemon into you know a drink if anybody could actually squeeze five drops out of that lemon that have free drinks for the rest of the night because he was so tough when he squeezed a level you couldn't get anything else out and they had these tough bikie gang leaders they tried it this huge guys Taps all over them squeeze the lemon they couldn't get anything out after the the excess Olympic um wrestler uh squeezed it sometimes had his bodybuilders like Arnie Schwarzenegger sometimes these you know professional boxes weight lifters they all tried you know the footballers Eagles captains and and Fremantle Dockers no one could actually squeeze any drops out of until this one guy came in a suit one evening a really thin weak guy maybe about 40 50 years of age he said I want to try this and about it's forget it look at you got no muscles on you you won't be able to squeeze this out it says yes I can I can do this and so he got the lemon and he started squeezing him and squeezing it one drop came out true drops came out five drops came out they couldn't believe it how such a 50 or 60 year old guy I forget how old he is because squeeze all these drops out of her head and said who the heck are you and he said I'm the treasurer of Australia

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• The parrot ordered whiskey

  In brief: Passenger and parrot on a cut-price airline; attendant asks for drinks; parrot demands whiskey; attendant shocked; passenger only wants tea.

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  there was this guy sitting next to a parrot and then when the flight attendant came said can I get you something to drink the parrot said give me whiskey you who the flight attender was really shocked and really confused and the guy said no can I have a cup of tea please and the flight attendant still in shock you know went to the galley and brought a whiskey back for the parrot and the guy said no my cup of tea

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• The Eskimo in the desert

  In brief: A man dying of thirst in the desert meets a real Eskimo with sled and huskies, and gasps with relief that he has been lost for days. The…

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  There was a guy lost in the desert. He had been in the desert for a long time. And he couldn't walk anymore. He was crawling and he was parched, about to die. You know, when you get this very hot desert, you get delirious? So there he was crawling and he saw an Eskimo coming. You know, in a sled with huskies, the works. You know, with a big fur hat on. And he says, "This can't be true. This can't be true. An Eskimo in a desert?" But the Eskimo came right up to him. And he was real. He could touch him. It wasn't a fantasy at all. It was an Eskimo in the desert. And this guy said, "I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad. I've been lost for days in in this desert." And the Eskimo said, "And you think you're lost!

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• The Pope, the Archbishop and the putt

  In brief: The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury settle church unity with 18 holes of golf. On the last green the Pope misses putt after putt,…

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  But the Anglican church and the Catholic church were trying to sort of get some reconciliation. Trying to move together. They're both Christian groups and in the end they couldn't really reconcile. So they decided to let God choose which was the right form of Christianity. And the way they were going to do this with the Archbishop and the Pope they both like golf. So they decided to play 18 rounds of, 18 holes of golf. Whoever won, if the Archbishop of Canterbury won the Pope will become a Protestant. It will be God's will. And if, if the Pope won the Archbishop would convert to being a Catholic together with all the Protestants. And that way they could unite and it'll be God's choice. Fair enough. If you believe in divine intervention, so let God decide who's the best, who's the most authentic. The Catholics or the Anglicans. So they started their round of golf. They got to the last hole, the 18th hole. The Archbishop had already put his ball into the hole, the Pope was two shots ahead. If he sagged this 18-foot putt he would win. And the Anglican Archbishop together with every Anglican in the world would have to convert to being Catholics. So you can imagine the stress of that shot. He was so nervous, he hit it way too hard and it went way past the hole maybe six foot past. He missed his first opportunity. He's still one shot ahead. And so he lost it. He swore “damn it! Missed!” he said. And his caddy, because all this golfers have to have caddies. Guess who his caddy was? It was one of the Catholic nuns. I won't explain why but I think you mostly know. So the Catholic nun saw the Pope swear “damn it! Missed!” and said: “Your grace or your holiness, you shouldn't swear like that. That's a sin. You shouldn't do that. She's looking up in the sky. He said “oh I'm stressed out. Too excited. I'm terribly sorry. And I won't do it again.” and he had another shot. If he hold this shot he'd still win by one one hole. So he's still… the Archbishop would have to become a Catholic. So he really relaxed. Tried to get rid of his anxiety and stress. He hit the ball again. Not hard enough. It only went halfway to the hole. “Damn it! Missed!” he said. And the poor nun looked up in the sky, crossed herself and said “don't do that. You're tempting fate. In your position you should know better.” “I'm terribly sorry sister. This stress, the anxiety, the stakes are so high.” He had one more shot. If he missed this one he'd have to become a Protestant. He had to hold this one to draw. The stakes were really high. And so he hit the ball, it went straight to the hole, but then just went on the outside and missed. And this time he really swore loudly: “damn it! Missed!” he said and before the nun could cross herself there was a huge clap of thunder from the sky and a lightning bolt came down from the clouds and hit the nun. Why are you laughing at that? And the nun dropped down dead. And a great voice from the sky boomed out: “damn it! Missed!”

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