The mugged tax minister

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• The hypnotist monk's donation box

  In brief: A new monk can't pay his temple's bills. A senior monk advises: close the doors, turn up the heat, give a boring monotone sermon, swing a…

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  this was a guy uh he was a a new monk. He started a new temple. has found it very very difficult to actually raise enough funds, you know, to pay the bills. And of course, you can understand why, you know, when somebody just starts out at temple, people don't know whether they're going to last. So why should you, you know, give donations when you don't know whether it's going to be used well. So he went to see a senior monk and a senior monk told him, "Well, try this technique. I tried this when I started out with my own temple. He said on a Friday night when you give a talk, make sure all the doors are closed, make sure there's no ventilation and make sure you turn the heat up so it gets very hot and stuffy. And when it's very hot and stuffy, give a boring sermon. The way to give a boring sermon, you teach it in a low tone, like a mono tone. I'm teaching a boring sermon now. And I'm sure many of you know what I'm going to say. And he said, "Then what to do when your audience are about to fall asleep, get out those old watches, you know, with the uh what they call them? Fob watches, I think. Get one of those fob watches. move it left to right, left to right, and hypnotize everybody. And once everybody's hypnotized, I say about 200 people in here. Once you're all hypnotized, then you give them the instruction. When you leave, don't forget to put donation in donation box. No coins, no fives, tens or 20s, only 50s and hundreds. He said, "I can't do that. That's illegal." And the senior monk said, "No, that's just encouraging good karma. It's good for people." So he he tried it and he made a fortune that day. He had lots of no 20s or tens or coins, just 50s and hundreds in the donation box. Worth a fortune. Imagine that. There's 200 people in here. Wow. So he decided he can't do that every day. So he waited until he needed some more money to pay the bills. And so he tried it again. He said, closed all the doors and all the windows, made it very stuffy and hot inside and started giving a boring sermon. And when people were falling asleep, he got out of his fob watch and started swinging it. But before they were hypnotized, he dropped it and it went smashed on the ground because it was surprise to him. He said the word. What did he say? I just repeated what you said. He said, "Oh shit." And that's what people did. Serves him right. a couple of weeks to clean up.

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• The Eskimo in the desert

  In brief: A man dying of thirst in the desert meets a real Eskimo with sled and huskies, and gasps with relief that he has been lost for days. The…

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  There was a guy lost in the desert. He had been in the desert for a long time. And he couldn't walk anymore. He was crawling and he was parched, about to die. You know, when you get this very hot desert, you get delirious? So there he was crawling and he saw an Eskimo coming. You know, in a sled with huskies, the works. You know, with a big fur hat on. And he says, "This can't be true. This can't be true. An Eskimo in a desert?" But the Eskimo came right up to him. And he was real. He could touch him. It wasn't a fantasy at all. It was an Eskimo in the desert. And this guy said, "I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad. I've been lost for days in in this desert." And the Eskimo said, "And you think you're lost!

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• The Pope, the Archbishop and the putt

  In brief: The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury settle church unity with 18 holes of golf. On the last green the Pope misses putt after putt,…

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  But the Anglican church and the Catholic church were trying to sort of get some reconciliation. Trying to move together. They're both Christian groups and in the end they couldn't really reconcile. So they decided to let God choose which was the right form of Christianity. And the way they were going to do this with the Archbishop and the Pope they both like golf. So they decided to play 18 rounds of, 18 holes of golf. Whoever won, if the Archbishop of Canterbury won the Pope will become a Protestant. It will be God's will. And if, if the Pope won the Archbishop would convert to being a Catholic together with all the Protestants. And that way they could unite and it'll be God's choice. Fair enough. If you believe in divine intervention, so let God decide who's the best, who's the most authentic. The Catholics or the Anglicans. So they started their round of golf. They got to the last hole, the 18th hole. The Archbishop had already put his ball into the hole, the Pope was two shots ahead. If he sagged this 18-foot putt he would win. And the Anglican Archbishop together with every Anglican in the world would have to convert to being Catholics. So you can imagine the stress of that shot. He was so nervous, he hit it way too hard and it went way past the hole maybe six foot past. He missed his first opportunity. He's still one shot ahead. And so he lost it. He swore “damn it! Missed!” he said. And his caddy, because all this golfers have to have caddies. Guess who his caddy was? It was one of the Catholic nuns. I won't explain why but I think you mostly know. So the Catholic nun saw the Pope swear “damn it! Missed!” and said: “Your grace or your holiness, you shouldn't swear like that. That's a sin. You shouldn't do that. She's looking up in the sky. He said “oh I'm stressed out. Too excited. I'm terribly sorry. And I won't do it again.” and he had another shot. If he hold this shot he'd still win by one one hole. So he's still… the Archbishop would have to become a Catholic. So he really relaxed. Tried to get rid of his anxiety and stress. He hit the ball again. Not hard enough. It only went halfway to the hole. “Damn it! Missed!” he said. And the poor nun looked up in the sky, crossed herself and said “don't do that. You're tempting fate. In your position you should know better.” “I'm terribly sorry sister. This stress, the anxiety, the stakes are so high.” He had one more shot. If he missed this one he'd have to become a Protestant. He had to hold this one to draw. The stakes were really high. And so he hit the ball, it went straight to the hole, but then just went on the outside and missed. And this time he really swore loudly: “damn it! Missed!” he said and before the nun could cross herself there was a huge clap of thunder from the sky and a lightning bolt came down from the clouds and hit the nun. Why are you laughing at that? And the nun dropped down dead. And a great voice from the sky boomed out: “damn it! Missed!”

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• Juggling machetes for the police

  In brief: Police find machetes in a man's car; he says he juggles them in the circus, so they make him prove it. As he expertly juggles them by the…

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  about this guy who got stopped by the police. It is double demerits this week-end so they looked in his back and had machetes in his back in the back of his car. And they said why do you got those machetes for. He said I juggle them in the circus. yeah great excuse said the police, I don't believe you, come on juggle. They thought he was some sort of a bikie or some sort of guy up to no good with machetes. So he actually got the machetes and throwing them up in the air, he was a juggler, he was very skilful at this. And the guys coming behind him said my goodness hope the police doesn't stop me look what they are doing to test you are not drunk too much these days.

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