“I never argued with anyone”

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• In Laos, war stops for lunch

  In brief: A monk friend, in Luang Prabang during the war between the communists and royalists, is eating lunch at a bamboo-and-thatch restaurant…

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  I remember one of the stories this I never saw this myself but this was told to me by one of my friends who was a monk he was in luang probang the second the city of Laos doing the the war with the Communists and the royalists and this is actually how you relax he was at one of these little restaurants you know they would fare every occupational health and safety regulation in Australia but the food was delicious you know dirty but great food bamboo and thatch that's all there was and he'd go there for his lunch he was sitting at a table eating some delicious meal and he did notice there was a government soldiers they were sitting at another table having their lunch with the M16 the old machine gun rifles leaning against the wall this was lunchtime and he was enjoying his lunch when his heart almost stopped when he saw the Communist soldiers came in they called potato at the time these were the enemy this was a watch in the Vietnam War times and the the Communists came into the restaurant and he went to dive under the table but no one else was trying to escape or dive under the table because they saw the enemy troops the Communist troops they just looked around and chose another table they put their guns against the wall and they ordered their lunch because in Laos at that time War always stops for lunch oh would it be a wonderful thing if even these days people get their priorities right and lost they'd always have a lunch break when you're free fighting a war and that's what they did those days and of course afterwards said what happened next after lunch was over all of them they had some understanding the you know the Communist troops would go one way the rewarders will go the other way so they would have to meet each other

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• “Sir, you're drunk” — “Madam, you're ugly”

  In brief: Ajahn Brahm tells the 'greatest put-down' he knows, which he attributes to Oscar Wilde: coming out of a bar completely drunk, at a time…

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  you can't beat that Oscar Wilde who's greatest put I ever heard: when he came out of some sort of nightclub or some bar, completely drunk, and of course this was a time when being drunk was even worse as a social stigma than it is today. Actually, probably in Australia it's not a social stigma at all. (audience chuckles) an accolade but anyway in those days, when being drunk was considered to be socially unacceptable, he came out drunk and this woman said to him "Sir, you're drunk" and he replied "Madam, you're ugly." (audience laughs) and the killing phrase was "the difference between us: in the morning I'll be sober.

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• Chicken or duck?

  In brief: A newly married couple walking home from the temple hear 'quack quack'. She says, 'Darling, that's a chicken.' He says it's a duck —…

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  It's the great old story of the chicken and the duck. If you haven't heard this story before, this is a doozy, this is a great one. Once upon a time there was this couple who had just been married and after going to the temple for a nice talk, it was a beautiful evening so they went on a walk on the way back home. And as they were walking, they heard a sound quack quack quack and straightaway sort of the girl, the wife said: “darling do you hear that? That's a chicken.” I'm glad you laugh because those people who laugh haven't heard the story before, so at least some of you haven't heard the story. “That's a chicken,” and he said “darling that was not a chicken, that was a duck,” and she said “no no I'm sure it was a chicken.” It went quack quack again; “you see that's a chicken,” and he said “Darling, chickens go cockadoodledoo, that went quack quack that means it's a duck okay.” She said “No, I'm sure that was a chicken”. He said “It was a duck”. She said “No no it was a chicken”. He said “It was a duck, d.u.c.k duck”. And then she started to cry, “But, but he's a chicken”. They went quack quack again. Then he suddenly remembered what he'd heard at this temple many many times. He squeezed her hand and said “I apologize darling, I think you're right, it is a chicken”. And she squeezed his hand back and said “thank you”. And then they carried on their walk in peace and had a wonderful evening together.

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• Super Monk and the death ray

  In brief: An art student who watches his videos (from Czechoslovakia, he thinks) makes a cartoon of 'Super Monk' based on his stories. The villain…

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  the biggest franchise if everybody really wants it anyone knows anyone in the movie industry 'I said this to somebody last Saturday, sort of, I saw this, a bit of a steal from a cartoon I saw in a Thai newspaper when I was a first-year monk, and stopped soon afterwords. It was Supermonk. Now, not Superman, not sort of Iron Man, not sort of Batman, but Supermonk. Because the Supermonk was the great character in the cartoon 'cause he can fly through the air, he had all this psychic powers, and stops all these great tragedies and terrorist attacks, but in the end, he wouldn't sort of like the other Superman throw people in jail, just give them five precepts, and they become Buddhist monks, and they live happily ever after. It's wonderful ending, just with a bit of a spirituality, and a bit of the argy-bargy necessary in movies so anyone who knows anyone in the movie industry, Supermonk would be a great one to franchise, something new they haven't seen before. And the Buddhist Society would get 10% of the revenues.

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