Being Mindful Stories

Story · Ajahn Brahm

Father and son who couldn't remember why

As told by Ajahn Brahm in Contentment | Ajahn Brahm | 11 Mar 2016

5 min read

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

there is a gentleman who was visiting our monastery in Serpentine and he insisted on taking me to the airport. And the reason was that he was from Brisbane if you are listening ... you are a hero for me and he thinks I am just the Bee's Knees because three years ago I went to his house in Brisbane and a little ceremony part of the job of a monk - bless this, bless that. You name it, I've blessed it. One of the reasons, it just give people a bit of encouragement in their lives. So I went to his house, his youngest son was there but his eldest son was absent. And I asked where is he? And the youngest son said "he hadn't talked.." the father and the son hadn't talked together for seven years. They have't even seen each other for seven years. They have been estranged. That really sort of hurts my heart, I believe hurts your heart. It's called compassion, you got empathy, you feel for people. How can a father and son be apart for seven years! Never sending any Birthday Cards or Christmas Cards or telephone calls or anything. But I know I do have some authority. I am a senior monk, I am well known and some people actually afraid of me! They are! Now there is no reason for you to be afraid of me I am a very gentle monk. Going off track I can never forget the silly thing I did once when I was visiting my mother in London years ago when she was still alive. I went to visit her and staying in her house. She was making my 'one meal a day' in the morning for me. Now that's very important. If you only eat one meal a day you got only one chance every day you got to make sure it hits the spot. So when somebody rang her door bell I volunteered to answer it so my lunch would not be spoiled. Totally selfish. I went to the door and it was a type of person, anyone from may be the UK might know this, they call them gypsies. They are itinerant people who had been in that country for 100s of years. But they decided, they do not wish to live in permanent houses. They usually live in caravans going from place to place. Good on them, if they want to live like that. But they have a reputation for trying to solicit funds, doing silly things. So it was one of these women, she knocked on the door. She said "would you like to buy some gypsy heather?" Just weed basically. And I was very polite I said "no, thank you" And she said to me "If you don't buy some of this heather I would put a gypsy curse on you" it was a marketing technique. Now imagine somebody threatening to curse me. They didn't know who they were messing with. (laughter) I had my robe on but I stood up really tall in my robe. And I looked her in the eye and said "I am a very senior Buddhist Monk, my curse is a much stronger than yours." That's what I said I overdid it. Honestly, I really overdid it. Because that women, her eyes went wide, her jaw dropped she turned around and she actually ran! She ran away. (laughter) We never curse anybody but I do use that in case people mess with me, then I can always mess back. Because people have all these superstition Buddhist monks... what can they do they don't know, but they tried to mess with me so I messed up with them. I know I shouldn't have done that but actually I am quite happy I did. (laughter) Makes it a good story. So anyway, that's just how.... We don't curse, we really don't have curses but people don't know that. So at this house, I told the youngest son, "Have you got your brother's telephone number?" He said sure... "Call him right now!" So he got out his smart phone and called his older brother, the one who was estranged. Give the phone to me. And I said "I am Ajahn Brahm you know me?" "Yeah I know you, I listen to your talks on YouTube." I said "I command you to come to your father's house. You better come or else" and I hung the phone up. So this poor man, he hadn't seen his father for seven years, he was either coming to break that estrangement or risk the curse and bad kamma of not obeying a very senior monk. Of course there is no bad kamma there but people really don't know this. So yeah let's use whatever you got to solve the situation. So he came in but wouldn't look at his father, wouldn't talk to him. But first time in seven years in the same room. And I sat them down together looking this way not at each other. And I asked the father ... What an amazing thing, shows you how stupid people can be! What did your son do, seven years ago, you got so upset you don't even talk to him anymore or look at him? You know what he said? "I can't remember." (laughter) So I looked at the son, the eldest son "What did your father do?" "I can't remember either." (more laughter) Human beings. They are so lovable, they are so cute. Just stupid but lovable. So I said: "enough is enough, forgiveness time." I forget who did it first. I made them "Father look at your son. Son look at your father." I forget who did first. Say to your father: "Look at him and say for the first time in seven years, "Father whatever you've done by body, speech or mind, that irritated me whatever it was, really hurt me deeply I forgive you". And the other way around too. "Son whatever you have done I forgive you back". They reconciled. That's such a beautiful thing to do. All you needed was somehow or rather overcoming that pride. I am not going to forgive him he is got to ask forgiveness first and then OK. He is gonna make the first move and it's worth waiting till we die for the other person to make the first move. That's why a circuit breaker like a monk can actually do that.

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 2:05 (to 9:30)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

A father and son hadn't spoken for seven years, until Ajahn Brahm summoned the son and sat them together. Neither could remember what the other had done. They forgave each other on the spot. Pride waits forever for the other person to move first. Seven years is too long; seven minutes is too long. Make the first move.

In brief (our summary)

Blessing a house in Brisbane, Ajahn Brahm learns the father and his eldest son haven't spoken or seen each other for seven years. He has the younger son phone his brother, introduces himself and says, 'I command you to come to your father's house. You better come or else,' and hangs up. The son comes but won't look at his father. Ajahn Brahm sits them side by side and asks the father what his son did to upset him so badly: 'I can't remember.' The son can't remember what his father did either. He has them face each other and forgive one another for whatever was done by body, speech or mind; they reconcile, and the father is still grateful years later.

Teaching point

Pride keeps people waiting for the other to make the first move; sometimes all that's needed is a 'circuit breaker' who lets nobody lose face.

When this story may help

  • estranged family member
  • long-running grudge
  • parent and adult child conflict

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in Contentment | Ajahn Brahm | 11 Mar 2016 · 2016-03-11 · ▶ watch from 2:05 to 9:30 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

3 other tellings of this story

Caption notes: Manual (volunteer) captions; occasional misspellings kept as is.

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

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