Being Mindful Stories

Story · Ajahn Brahm

Training dolphins, training husbands

As told by Ajahn Brahm in Irritation | Ajahn Brahm | 18-03-2011

3 min read

Content note: source article not identified (he says he did not keep it); resembles Amy Sutherland's 2006 NYT essay — unverified

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

the story of that woman I read in the psychology magazine who was doing a PhD and psychology and her subject was how they train dolphins in these Marine Parks you know to play water poloo to jump through these hoops and she found out that the way they do this is if that dolphin jumps an inch higher you throw the dolphin a fish positive reinforcement if it doesn't jump you don't hit it you don't get angry at the Dolphin you just wait until it jumps 2 in and then it gets another fish so every time it gets incrementally closer to what you want that dolphin to do that's when you throw another fish to the dolphin incremental positive reinforcement now this woman I I really kicked myself for not keeping that article because that this was one wise woman she went to her supervisor at University and got permission to change her thesis because she realized she had this wonderful Insight the very same technique which they used to teach Dolphins at these Marine Parks could be used on her husband so she got permission from her supervisor to change the thesis instead of how to train dolphins how to train husbands it's a brilliant piece of advice and it's practical too how do you do this it's Works them as how you train train wives or how do you train girlfriends or Partners or people in your office whenever they do something wrong they irritate you ignore it don't do anything but when they do something you like which is not irritating that's when you throw them a fish metaphorically that is in other words you give them some sort of positive feedback and of course that actually works and in her article the one part I remember she said one of the most irritating parts of you know her of her relationship with her husband and many of you may be able to relate to this in the morning when they were both getting ready to go to work he could never find his tie and he know wife was know trying to get ready to go to work too and she has to dress up much more than a guy does and she you know darling have you seen my tie can you help me find my tie it's only a small thing like that but you know that every morning that really irritates you you're trying to get ready and here's this stupid guy and he can't even remember where he put his own clothes and she would always get very angry and irritated at him for this and so she tried the throwing the fish method so when he couldn't find his tie where's my tie D could you help me find my tie he would ignore it she would ignore it she wouldn't get irritated she wouldn't complain she would just totally ignore it and go around her task and of course eventually he'd find his tie himself and that's when she would stop what she was doing and give him a big hug and kiss oh well done darling that was throwing the fish and you may laugh but this was very very effective in a couple of months she said he never asked me now he just finds his own stuff and now I'm free in the morning to do what I like to do instead of of helping this guy

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 41:56 (to 45:32)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

A student of dolphin training stopped finding her husband's tie every morning and hugged him whenever he found it himself. Within months he was finding all his own things. Irritation and nagging rarely change anyone. Ignore what annoys you, notice what's good, and reward it warmly, with family as much as dolphins.

In brief (our summary)

From a psychology magazine: a PhD student studying how marine parks train dolphins — throw a fish whenever it jumps an inch higher, never punish — realises the same method works on her husband and changes her thesis to 'how to train husbands'. Every morning he couldn't find his tie; now she ignores the request, and when he finds it himself she stops to hug and kiss him: 'Well done, darling.' Within a couple of months he finds his own things.

Teaching point

Ignore the irritating behaviour and reward the good — positive reinforcement works on people too.

When this story may help

  • annoying habits of a partner
  • parenting
  • managing staff

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in Irritation | Ajahn Brahm | 18-03-2011 · 2011-03-21 · ▶ watch from 41:56 to 45:32 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

1 other telling of this story

Caption notes: YouTube auto-captions: unpunctuated, words left exactly as captioned. 'water poloo' = water polo (not changed).

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

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