Joke: the tortoises escaped

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• The matchbox on the head

  In brief: A malnourished young monk in steamy north-east Thailand — sticky rice with a boiled frog, under four and a half hours' sleep, up at 3 a.m.…

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  when I became a monk who was in the jungles of Northeast Thailand I was malnourished one meal a day sticky rice I was a vegetarian I sometimes sticky rice and a frog on top that's all we had sweet yeah for a boiled frog no garlic no sauce notice abortive glutinous sticky rice with a fork on top that was all the villagers had in fact they gave us the best Fox it was disgusting but I was malnourished and in the morning we would get up but we only supposed to meditate to sleep for hours and nights I could never get below four and a half so three o'clock in the morning will be up in the hall to meditate steamy jungles I was made in England I was not used to such hot weather such sticky weather malnourished not enough sleep of course I was sleepy so I had the tricks what we tried to do first of all no use effort didn't work so then I tried a matchbox you take the cover off the matchbox you put the tray on your head because it means if you start nodding you see the matchbox fall on the ground you'd hear it only about three or four days I'd overcome my slot and talker I could put the matchbox on my head for one hour meditate in the morning it never fell off at all amazing until one of my monks took me aside and said this is why the matchbox is not falling off you're still sleepy but instead of doing this you're doing this their mind is so sneaky and tricky so after a while I started contemplating look made in England I'm not used to that climate are not enough sleep not enough our food it's natural so I decided to let go when I let go there's not much energy in my mind so you are dull but you knew you adult and little by little just like when the Sun comes up in the morning and it had evaporates all the mists that burns off the mist because I wasn't wasting energy fighting my sleepiness but just letting it be being kind to it opening the door of my heartless my energy started coming back again him my back straightened up my head lifted up naturally and I was peaceful

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• The slingshot and the gong

  In brief: Sitting with Ajahn Chah, with no clock and his legs aching after what must have been over an hour, the young Ajahn Brahm fantasises about…

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  when Ajahn Chah was my teacher and sometimes we would sit together, sometimes you'd be sitting there - I’m sure it's over an hour, it must have been over an hour, we didn't have a clock at the time). And then so, my legs were really hurting. So you know what I thought of doing? I told the monks this, and it's true, this is what I thought, but never had the guts to do it - to get what they call like a slingshot. And practice in the forest first, until I was a really good shot. And then, when the meditation was happening, I’d just open my eyes and I'd sling and hit the bell - ‘GONG’. [Laughter] ‘Oh, it's time to come out of meditation’. You know what it's like, sometimes you're having a really difficult time. And you’re just like ‘it can't be just, it must be more than half an hour, ring the gong!’ [laughter] And other times, oh you're having such a beautiful, peaceful meditation, everything is just so nice and joyful and blissed, all these great insights are coming, everything, and then - ‘GONG’ [laughter] Imagine that was the Buddha under the Bodhi tree just about to get enlightened, and I went - ‘GONG’. [laughter] Shut up.

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• “Your meditation can't be that good”

  In brief: At the Serpentine doctor's surgery a monk sees an advert for another meditation group and suggests the doctor's people come to theirs…

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  I think one of the monks was visiting the uh the local doctor in Serpentine. And when they were visiting that local doctor in Serpentine, they saw an advert there for a meditation group in Serpentine. Not our group, but another group. And he said, "Well, why don't you come to our meditation group?" And he said, "Well, your meditation group can't be that good because you monks are always coming into this surgery for help from the doctor.

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• Two hours on Bunbury beach

  In brief: With a free afternoon before teaching at Bunbury prison, Ajahn Brahm meditates for two hours, eyes closed, on a deserted stretch of beach.…

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  there was one time when I did go to sit quietly on a beach and that was a time when I sat on Bumbbury Beach. I had a free afternoon before going to the prison to teach. And when I was sitting on that beach, it was an abandoned part of the beach. There's no one there at all. Just me and the waves. And I sat there. It's peaceful. So I sat there for two hours, eyes closed, going nice and deeply inside. And when I opened my eyes, what I saw shocked me. It was only two hours. I opened my eyes and I saw on my left was a 17-year-old young woman in a bikini, a blonde, young, pretty. She was just sitting right next to me on one side. On the other side, there was a brunette also in a bikini. 17year-old sitting on this side. Honestly, you can't make these situations up. And I thought, what happened? And how did I know it was 17year-old? Because they told me that they had just finished the last exam at school, the year 12s. And that's usually 17 year olds take those. The last exams, the school was just opposite side of the road. But when I went and sat there, they was just still doing their exams. So, it was nice and quiet. And then afterwards, they came out in their bthers. The guys were there as well. And they were just enjoying last exam is over. Let's go to the beach and just enjoy ourselves. And they saw this monk sitting there perfectly, perfectly still. I wasn't doing anything. Just sitting quietly by myself. But that inspired them. That's why this young lady on one side and young lady on the other side and they just waiting. They said they'd be waiting for about half an hour or so for me to come out of meditation so they could ask their questions. And they were really impressed that I could actually sit there quietly with these two young uh I better not say was it No. Okay, I won't say that. What does that word spell? Yeah, bimbo. Oh my goodness, I'm going to get in trouble. See the next. But anyway, that's that's all they wanted. Just ask a few questions. So, I answered them and went away as soon as I could. I knew that because if anyone had a camera, honestly, how can you explain that? There's a there's a monk with these two beautiful young ladies in bikini on either side by the beach. I've never done that again. If I want to meditate for two hours, go somewhere else quieter.

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