Being Mindful Stories

Joke · Ajahn Brahm

Juggling machetes for the police

As told by Ajahn Brahm in Instead of Attachment | Ajahn Brahm | 04-03-2011

1 min read

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

about this guy who got stopped by the police. It is double demerits this week-end so they looked in his back and had machetes in his back in the back of his car. And they said why do you got those machetes for. He said I juggle them in the circus. yeah great excuse said the police, I don't believe you, come on juggle. They thought he was some sort of a bikie or some sort of guy up to no good with machetes. So he actually got the machetes and throwing them up in the air, he was a juggler, he was very skilful at this. And the guys coming behind him said my goodness hope the police doesn't stop me look what they are doing to test you are not drunk too much these days.

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 42:44 (to 43:25)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

Funeral directors told Ajahn Brahm this joke on the walk to the chapel: a juggler proving his alibi with machetes at a roadside stop, while passing drivers dread the new sobriety test. Then, at the door, he became the sensitive monk. We switch roles all day. Wear each one lightly, and you can laugh with friends and still be gentle with the grieving.

In brief (our summary)

Police find machetes in a man's car; he says he juggles them in the circus, so they make him prove it. As he expertly juggles them by the roadside, a driver behind thinks: “Hope the police don't stop me — look what they're doing to test you're not drunk.”

Teaching point

(A joke funeral directors told Ajahn Brahm on the walk to the chapel; told to show how he switches identities.)

When this story may help

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in Instead of Attachment | Ajahn Brahm | 04-03-2011 · 2011-03-05 · ▶ watch from 42:44 to 43:25 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

Caption notes: Manual (volunteer) captions; occasional misspellings kept as is.

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

  • The Eskimo in the desert

    In brief: A man dying of thirst in the desert meets a real Eskimo with sled and huskies, and gasps with relief that he has been lost for days. The…

    Read full story

    There was a guy lost in the desert. He had been in the desert for a long time. And he couldn't walk anymore. He was crawling and he was parched, about to die. You know, when you get this very hot desert, you get delirious? So there he was crawling and he saw an Eskimo coming. You know, in a sled with huskies, the works. You know, with a big fur hat on. And he says, "This can't be true. This can't be true. An Eskimo in a desert?" But the Eskimo came right up to him. And he was real. He could touch him. It wasn't a fantasy at all. It was an Eskimo in the desert. And this guy said, "I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad. I've been lost for days in in this desert." And the Eskimo said, "And you think you're lost!

    Open story page·Watch this telling

  • The Pope, the Archbishop and the putt

    In brief: The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury settle church unity with 18 holes of golf. On the last green the Pope misses putt after putt,…

    Read full story

    But the Anglican church and the Catholic church were trying to sort of get some reconciliation. Trying to move together. They're both Christian groups and in the end they couldn't really reconcile. So they decided to let God choose which was the right form of Christianity. And the way they were going to do this with the Archbishop and the Pope they both like golf. So they decided to play 18 rounds of, 18 holes of golf. Whoever won, if the Archbishop of Canterbury won the Pope will become a Protestant. It will be God's will. And if, if the Pope won the Archbishop would convert to being a Catholic together with all the Protestants. And that way they could unite and it'll be God's choice. Fair enough. If you believe in divine intervention, so let God decide who's the best, who's the most authentic. The Catholics or the Anglicans. So they started their round of golf. They got to the last hole, the 18th hole. The Archbishop had already put his ball into the hole, the Pope was two shots ahead. If he sagged this 18-foot putt he would win. And the Anglican Archbishop together with every Anglican in the world would have to convert to being Catholics. So you can imagine the stress of that shot. He was so nervous, he hit it way too hard and it went way past the hole maybe six foot past. He missed his first opportunity. He's still one shot ahead. And so he lost it. He swore “damn it! Missed!” he said. And his caddy, because all this golfers have to have caddies. Guess who his caddy was? It was one of the Catholic nuns. I won't explain why but I think you mostly know. So the Catholic nun saw the Pope swear “damn it! Missed!” and said: “Your grace or your holiness, you shouldn't swear like that. That's a sin. You shouldn't do that. She's looking up in the sky. He said “oh I'm stressed out. Too excited. I'm terribly sorry. And I won't do it again.” and he had another shot. If he hold this shot he'd still win by one one hole. So he's still… the Archbishop would have to become a Catholic. So he really relaxed. Tried to get rid of his anxiety and stress. He hit the ball again. Not hard enough. It only went halfway to the hole. “Damn it! Missed!” he said. And the poor nun looked up in the sky, crossed herself and said “don't do that. You're tempting fate. In your position you should know better.” “I'm terribly sorry sister. This stress, the anxiety, the stakes are so high.” He had one more shot. If he missed this one he'd have to become a Protestant. He had to hold this one to draw. The stakes were really high. And so he hit the ball, it went straight to the hole, but then just went on the outside and missed. And this time he really swore loudly: “damn it! Missed!” he said and before the nun could cross herself there was a huge clap of thunder from the sky and a lightning bolt came down from the clouds and hit the nun. Why are you laughing at that? And the nun dropped down dead. And a great voice from the sky boomed out: “damn it! Missed!”

    Open story page·Watch this telling

  • Three smiling bodies in the morgue

    In brief: A coroner explains three smiling corpses to a policeman: one died of a heart attack with his mistress, one drank himself to death after a…

    Read full story

    In the autopsy room of the hospital, the coroner has three bodies and all three bodies are smiling. And the police have to be there and he said to the coroner, (is it coroner or pathologist, whatever it is) the coroner said, “What happened to this guy? Why is he smiling?” And he said, “This guy you can see he’s about 70 years of age, he was having sex with his mistress and that’s when he had a heart attack. That explains his smile.” “Fair enough. What about this guy?” “This guy won a thousand dollars in the lottery, went to the pub and drunk so much whiskey, he died of liver failure. That’s why he is got the big smile on his face.” “Fair enough”, said the policeman. “How about this guy?” Said, “This guy was struck by lightning.” “But how come he got a big smile on the face?” “Because he thought he was having his photograph taken.

    Open story page·Watch this telling

  • The carrot who'll be a vegetable

    In brief: Two carrots walk down St George's Terrace when a drunk driver mounts the pavement and hits one. Rushed to Royal Perth Hospital, he's in…

    Read full story

    that was the story of the two carrots. You remember this [laughs]. This is a golden oldie. So once there were these two carrots and they were walking down the road in St George's Terrace, which is one of the main streets here in Perth. And as they were walking down talking to each other, minding their own business, one of these drunk drivers lost control of the car, the car went up on the pavement and hit one of the carrots. And the carrot was badly injured. The other carrot rang zero zero zero. The ambulance came, straight in the back with his friend, the other unhurt carrot with him, straight to Royal Perth Hospital, straight to the emergency room, straight to triage. They realised this carrot was badly injured so they took him in to the surgery. And his friend, if ever you've been waiting in the emergency rooms, in waiting rooms rather in hospitals, it's so tense, you don't know what's going to happen. After three hours the doctor came out, the surgeon, and said, your friend Mr Carrot, I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is your friend, the carrot who was injured, he's going to live, he's going to survive, but the bad news, he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life!

    Open story page·Watch this telling

All stories·Find a story for your situation