'He was a leader in his field'

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• Milk for the vegan cat

  In brief: Years ago, while vegetarian, Ajahn Brahm stays in a house whose owners are trying to make their cat vegan, feeding it soy milk. When they…

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  I had this when I was a vegetarian many years ago. I was staying in a house with a vegan cat. At least the owners tried to make get their cat to be vegan and they feed it soy milk. I was a vegetarian at the time. So when the owners weren't looking, I slipped the cat some milk. Oh, the cat really loved me for that. You know, some cow's milk instead of soy milk. That poor old cat.

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• One sentence every seven years

  In brief: In a strict silent monastery a monk may say one sentence to the abbot every seven years. After seven years, the wise words he rehearsed…

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  This is an old joke about this man who joined a monastery, and as he joined this monastery, was a very strict monastery, where you weren't allowed to speak at all, its absolute silence except after seven years, you are allowed to say one sentence to the abbot, the idea was so he could have some idea of your spiritual progress. So this young man joined this very strict monastery. And after six years, 11 months and 30 days of absolute silence, you can imagine his excitement when the next morning he could say his first sentence to the abbot. So he decided to practice in his cell something wise, you know, to inspire his abbot, something very meaningful something, you know, like one saying you find in a book. And he practices this amazing wise saying, when he went into the abbot's room, his mind went totally blank, you know what it's like, and the words which came out was “the food in this place is terrible”. Now the point was he didn't have another chance to say a word, he'd had his sentence and he'd blown it and he felt so terrible! Now he has to wait another seven years. So 13 years 11 months and 30 days, now he had his second chance to say something, and this time he was more relaxed, you know, spiritual life had done something, he is more in control of himself. So he had a good night's sleep, really relaxed, rested and his wise words he was supposed to say seven years ago, he went to open his mouth and again he forgot and the words which came out he said “you make us work too hard.” Very good, said the abbot, come back in another seven years. He blown at the second time! And of course, after twenty-one years, now he was totally at ease and he went into the Abbot office, he said precisely what he intended to say, his one sentence was this: “can't stand this place any longer, I'm leaving.” And the abbot replied “very good because you've done nothing but complain ever since you came here.”

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• 'She gave me the money and sent me'

  In brief: A man keeps asking his wife if he can go on a weekend meditation retreat; each time there's too much to do — shopping, cleaning, kids'…

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  There was this guy, good old story. It's years and years ago, we had these weekend retreats; he always wanted to go on a weekend retreat. He told me this story. It's a beautiful story. And when there was a weekend retreat, he said to his wife, "Can I go on the weekend retreat?" "What are you talking about? We got to do the shopping, the cleaning, look after the kids, take them here. Go to the dentist, gotta mow the lawn. There's too much to do." You can understand that. You know, having a family, having a house, there's so much you have to do on weekends. So she said no. But he was very persistent. Any husbands here who wanna go on retreats, this is how it's done. [laughter] He asked next retreat, he asked again, "There's a retreat on, can I go?" "No, of course you can't go! Mother's coming this weekend. The kids need to be taken here and taken there to their sports and there's so much cleaning. You've got to clean up the shed. You promised to do that for weeks." Okay. And he was persistent. This is a trick. Guys. I never been married. But I know all about it, how it works. [laughter] One day he said, "Oh there's another retreat on." I don't know how many times he said this but, "there's a retreat on this weekend. Can I go?" She was so fed up with him. "Ok, you go on your stupid retreat and leave me with the kids on the shopping and the cleaning." He took that as a "yes" and went. [laughter] It's only for the weekend. She was really annoyed at him. But then when he came home, he came home, he was really changed, like soft and kind and lots of loving kindness, and not fault finding and peaceful and very helpful, you know, when you do your little chores in the kitchen. And they learn how to do this and cook that and she was amazed at the change in her husband. Just a weekend and what a most wonderful guy he was to live with. This is absolutely true. The next time there was a retreat, he came on a retreat. "And so, you've got permission from your wife to go on a retreat again?" He said, "No, I didn't have permission to go, she just gave me the money and sent me."

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• The minister who never stopped talking

  In brief: A king cannot get any business done because one minister talks on and on in every session. Walking in his garden, the king sees a disabled…

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  the first story is a story from an old text called the Dharma part Comm which I adapted for the book opening the door of your heart it's very rare I tell this story and that's a story of the politician you know how much politicians speak and actually met with minist of immigration this afternoon but he's a nice guy I got to say this in public because I wanted to do something for our visus so that's the first skillful speech always speak nice things about people in power always suck up to the boss in your office and you always do well in life but this Minister he was one of these people who would never shut up as soon as they started discussing something he would get up and he go on and on and on and on and on and no one could get a word in edge wise and you may know people like that either in your work or in your home people can just not shut up so in those days know the government was run by a king so the King was like the prime minister or the president and he was at his wits end trying to shut up this Minister and after one of these sessions you get nothing done cuz this guy goes on and on and on thinks he's he knows everything so he just went out for a walk in his garden and in the public part of his garden he saw a group of kids who are laughing and crappy so he went to investigate and there he saw there was a disabled man in a wheelchair and the kids were giving him money and what he was doing was the kids would point to a bush or a tree and this guy had this old toy called a peashooter I had a PE shooter when I was a kid it was like a tube and you put little peas in it and you blow them you know you know just usually the kids you didn't like to no it's only little sting it didn't really hurt I got enough pece blown at me it was just like a little game the kids would play but this guy he was so skilled now when you're disabled in one area you build up your schools in the other area they will point to a tree and say chicken and with his Peach should and every pee would take off a leaf and this is a way he would sculpt trees into like a chicken or like an elephant now you've been to these Gardens where people actually shape trees they sculpt trees into all these beautiful animals and he would do this with the peu and the kids were just so impressed by this they give him a few a few coins here a few coins there and that's how he actually got by in life by sculpting trees with a peashooter it was is disabled that's the only job he could do and when the king saw this he said he had an idea he had an Insight so he went up to this this disabled man with a peashooter and he whispered the words I can make you richer than your wildest dreams all you need to do is to help me he whispered to the the disabled men and disabled man yes yes yes yes yes yes and the following day the following day at the court at the parliament the king started to discuss something and as soon as the king opened his mouth this Minister started saying well in my opinion and I'm always right because I'm very wise and I've got so much experience and I've been here a long time and you should listen to me and this is how we should do it and we should do it this way and not that way and don't listen to these other guys I don't know what they're talking about and he kept going on like this but as soon as he opened his mouth he felt something go into his mouth he never noticed that in this Great Hall there was a new curtain on the wall and he didn't know what was behind that curtain and of course you all know what was behind that curtain but you know just a little thing entering his mouth that never stopped him he kept on talking and talking but every now and again some right in the back of his pallet and of course what' you do swallowed it down and carried on talking and he kept on talking and the longer he kept on talking the more he began to feel a little bit queasy cuz he didn't realize what was actually hitting his throat and going down into his stomach but he kept on talking and talking and talking until he felt really sick now some of these people know they just they so full of of what they want to say even when they're about to throw up they keep on talking and it was only was turning green and he couldn't actually do it anymore he couldn't Tik Tok anymore and he ran out from the hall totally green holding his hand over his mouth in case he uh something very awful came out and when he left the king burst out laughing and no one knew why and what had happened and then he went over to the curtain he opened the curtain there a disabled man with his peashooter and about most of his bag of ammunition was empty and the King held up the ammunition it wasn't peas it was chicken little pellets and for the last 15 or 20 minutes or half an hour with deadly accuracy this guy with a p had emptied half a bag of chicken down his Minister's gullet and apparently it worked a treat that that Min that Minister was absent for quite a few days and they got a lot of work done when this guy wasn't interrupting all the time and when he actually got better and he came back it was amazing just he would hardly speak at all and when he did speak he'd always put his hand over his mouth just in case

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