Health food kept me out of heaven

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

Have you ever noticed that people who have been together for years and when they get old together, they been living in the same house, married, doing everything together for such a long time. When one of them died, the other one died about 3 or 4 days later. So they died almost the same time. So they had a funeral just one after the other very quickly. And after they died, they appeared in this other realm, they were met by an angel. And the angel came up to them and said, "Because of your good karma, I've come to show you your eternal reward." Please don't get philosophical about this. And your eternal reward is showed in this beautiful mansion on the cliffs like a3 or 4 million cost mansion. He said, "This is your dwelling for the rest of eternity. If you wish to change it, just let me know. We can change it for you, but this is yours." And the man said immediately, "This is a very wealthy mansion. Someone like me cannot afford the council rates. You know, if you got a big house, it costs a lot just to give money to the council to do nothing." And so the angel said, "Sir, up in heaven we don't have councils. They don't even get up here." So he said, "This is all for free." And he took them inside the mansion. And the mansion was so amazingly designed, state-of-the-art architecture and straight state-of-the-art internal design. You took them into the lounges and had chandeliers everywhere made of gold and diamonds. They took them into the recreation or relaxation room and there was this huge TV screen. It was so big. It was actually almost like bigger than a a cricket pitch. And he said, "Because this is heaven, I don't know what sport you like. Say it's like soccer or say it's like AFL. Whichever your team is, you will find they'll always be losing until the last minute and then they'll have a great recovery and by the final whistle they'll kick the winning goal. You always win. It's heaven. And you've done good karma. Make sure whatever you see your team always wins. And then he took them into the washroom. Even the washroom was just ridiculously expensive. Had a golden toilet seat. Very hard to sit on but very expensive. [laughter] So don't encourage me. And then you see that button you actually press for the toilet for to flush it. That is a solid 30 karat diamond. So press it. And when he pressed it, water never came out. Chanel number five came out. Now this is a Buddhist society. I'm telling this story. Imagine doing this at a funeral parlor. Sorry. And he said, "Now I'm going to take it down." And straight away the fellow said, "Look, this is such expensive stuff here. I won't be able to afford the insurance." What you talking about insurance up in heaven? We don't allow a burglars or thieves. This is all for free. Okay. And if anyone does come in and borrows one of your gold toilets, we can always get you a a platinum one or whatever you want and then took them down to the garage. And in the garage, a triple garage, there were three vehicles in there. The first vehicle was a a stretch limmer. Really a big stretch limmer. so big it had a tennis court in the back inside. And the second vehicle was one of these allterrain vehicles. Can go anywhere. You don't need roads with one of these vehicles. Said it is so powerful it can even go up waterfalls. Not down waterfalls, up. And the last vehicle was a Lamborghini special edition revved up super fast with a sunroof. He said, "We always knew you like fast cars." And this man said, "What's the point of a fast car these days? Too many policemen and speed cameras." And the angel rolled his eyes one last time and said, "Listen, sir, you don't need sort of policeman up in heaven." Number one, you know, you're already dead. It doesn't matter if you crash. and he opened the door, opened the the shutter for the uh [clears throat] the um the garage and on the opposite side of the road was this immaculate 18hole golf course. And the angel said that this golf course was designed by Tiger Woods himself. apparently when he had a bus stop with his first wife, he crashed the car and had an out of body experience and that's when we caught him and we made sure we designed the golf course before he came back [laughter] came back to life again. So, it's designed by Tiger Woods. And the fellow said, "Oh yeah, it must be a beautiful golf course, but I won't be able to afford the annual premium. You got to pay to join golf clubs." But the angel also said, "It's a special golf course." So whenever you get the ball on the green, whichever way you putt it, it always curls around and goes into the hole every time. It's a heavenly golf course. And so straight away he said, "It's all very good, but I don't think I can afford it." Say, "It's for free. You're not a life member. You're a death member." [laughter] And then as soon as the angel left, the man got very angry at his wife. Really angry. Started cursing at her and shouting at her. and the poor wife. Why are you so angry at me? You got this beautiful house, a great mansion with wonderful views over the ocean. You got the beautiful TV screen. Your team will always win. I know how hopeless they are, but up in heaven, they always win. And you got the Lamborghini car. You can go as fast as you like. And then even if you crash, you're still alive or you're still dead anyway. It doesn't make any difference. and he got the golf course. Why are you so angry? This was actually the story I told. The first joke I told at a funeral service. And they the funeral directors were really going white. What the family going to say about me? And then I'd said just the reason why the guy got angry. He said, "Because wife, because if it wasn't for all that health food you made me eat over the last 3 years, I could have been up here a long time ago

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 9:28 (to 18:32)