The mosquitoes were my teachers

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• Coffee for “the Dog”

  In brief: A prisoner who hates the cruel officer he must serve coffee — the man who deliberately made another inmate miss his wife's rare visit —…

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  The first time, over 20 years ago, when I told this story it was when I was teaching in prison, in Karnet Prison Farm, just down the road from my monastery. We still go there most Fridays. When I was teaching that at Karnet Prison Farm one of the prisoners complained and he said, "That is just new age rubbish. It doesn't work in the real world, especially in a prison. Prisons are tough places. If you've got a difficult person you've got to stand up for yourself. That's the only language they understand." Of course, I wasn't having any of that. I said, "I don't believe you." He said, "You don't live in prison." I said, "Monastery we have cells, we have wall around." Actually, they don't have a wall around Karnet but we have a wall around our monastery. Sometimes people, in the early years, they'd actually drive all the way to Karnet Prison Farm and ask where are the monks. [laughter] It was very embarrassing. Luckily, there weren't any monks in it. But anyway, I challenged this guy, I said, "Okay, in this prison, who is the most difficult person you have to deal with?" The prisoner I challenged was with a number of other prisoners. He said, "The chief officer. The chief officer, my job is to serve him tea and coffee every day. That's my job in prison. I hate that guy. He's always really nasty." He told me a story which happened a week before. One of the prisoners in Karnet, he hardly ever had a visit from his family because it's such a hard place to get to. There's no public transport and if you're poor and haven't got a car you have to find a friend who can actually take you all that way. It's a difficult place to get to. He said this man's wife had managed to get a lift to come and see him, but before you can go and see your relations in prison you have to check in, say your name, go through all the security stuff. The chief officer had seen this woman checking in and knew that she had come to see this prisoner and decided to be cruel to the prisoner. On the PA system he said so-and-so, I've got a job for you on the other side of Karnet Prison Farm and sent him to a place where the PA system didn't reach. It's a huge prison farm. He did it on purpose because as soon as his wife had checked in the PA system announced prisoner so-and-so, your wife is here, please go to the visitor's area, but he couldn't hear it from where he'd been sent. The message was repeated two or three times. There was a search to try and find him. They did find him. By the time they found him and he came back visiting hours are over. Better luck next time. He said, "The chief officer did this on purpose with no reason other than spite and trying to give the prisoners a harder time than they deserved. That's why, in that time in prison, he was called a dog." I said, "You hate him?" He said, "Yes. Really big time. He's so difficult. He never respects us, never says anything to us. He always puts us down and treats us like dirt." I said, "Great. This is a challenge. You meet him every day serving tea and coffee. Be kind to him. Don't embrace him with your arms, you'll get in trouble that way, but at least you can embrace him with your heart." I said, "How you can do that is every time you serve a cup of tea or coffee try and put some love and care into that tea or coffee. Try and make it the most beautiful, delicious cup of coffee you possibly can make. Find out what he likes and be kind. Get lots of love and compassion whenever you serve him tea and coffee." So all credit to this prisoner, he tried it, for a week. When I came back after one week, "How is it going?" He said, "It's a complete waste of time. I'm really trying hard to be kind to this guy but every time, even if I put lots of effort into making a nice cup of tea and coffee, he completely ignores me as if I don't exist, as if I'm lower than a cockroach. He even says to the cockroach get out of here, but not me." So I told him, "Carry on." It was about, I'm not sure how long, maybe a couple of months, I had to encourage him and force him to do this, before we got what I call the big breakthrough. One day I actually came to visit and he couldn't wait to tell me this. He said, he'd made this prison officer a beautiful cup of coffee with cream or whatever he found, just the type he thought the prison officer liked, and managed to find him some biscuits which he noticed the prison officer liked, and he said, "Here you are sir, have this coffee, and I've found some special biscuits which I know you like," and the prison officer said, "Er." He grunted. That was our breakthrough. [laughter] It was the first time he acknowledged that this prisoner actually lived and existed and breathed. That grunt, I said, "Wow, this is exciting!" That is the crack in the dam wall. I was right. It was only about two or three weeks later the prisoner managed to find a special cup of tea, a sandwich or whatever, handed it to this prison officer, the chief officer, who was a dog, and the chief officer turned around and said, "Thank you." All the other prisoners were telling me this and they were all looking at me and they said, "You don't realize just how the prison grapevine works. That has gone to every prison in the state." That this chief officer could say thank you to a prisoner was unbelievable. I won the challenge. I knew I'd win eventually. Even such a dog you can change into a cuddly little puppy with lots and lots and lots of kindness.

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• The anger-eating demon

  In brief: A monster sits on the emperor's throne and grows bigger with every angry word from the guards; the returning emperor welcomes it, the…

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  It's a great story of the demon who came into the emperor's palace. Demon coming into an emperor's palace, and emperor was away. Because he was away there was a monster, a big, ugly terrifying demon came and strolled right into the palace! He was so frightening, so terrifying! Everybody froze in horror at this ugly, disgusting, slimy demon, allowing the demon to go right through, into the heart of the palace and sit on the emperor's throne. As soon as he sat on the emperor's throne, that was just too much for the guards and the ministers. They came to their senses. They said, "Get out of here! Who do you think you are? This is our emperor's seat, not yours!! Get out, or else!" At those harsh words, the demon grew an inch bigger, more ugly, more smelly and the language got far worse.. That made the soldiers and ministers even more upset. They got out their swords. They got out clubs. They clenched their fists. But at every unkind word, every angry deed, even every unkind thought, the monster just grew an inch bigger, more ugly, more terrifying, more smelly, and the language from the monster got worse and worse and worse. This had been going on for quite some time before the emperor came back. At this time that demon was so huge he took up half the throne room. He was massive, and talk about ugly and frightening. I've never seen "Alien," the movie, but people said the alien is pretty terrifying. Imagine the alien, multiplied by a thousand! This was so terrifying, not even DreamWorks could manufacture such a terrifying, horrible spectacle as this ugly demon. According to the story, the smell, the stench coming off this demon's body would make maggots throw up. [laughter] It takes a lot to make a maggot sick. [laughter] And the language coming from this demon was worse! Was worse than you'd hear in Northbridge after both the Eagles and the Dockers lose. [laughter] So this was a problem, a real difficult being coming into the palace. But when the emperor came back...the reason he was emperor was he'd been to Nollamara, heard the talks and was wise. [laughter] I always change these stories every time. Embellish them this way and that way, so you can always hear a new angle. The emperor had also read "Opening the Door of Your Heart," which is available at the book shop for $25 [laughter] Ajahn: I've also learned marketing. I was at an entrepreneurship business conference this afternoon. But anyway, the emperor said, "Welcome. Oh monster, thank you so much for coming to visit me. Why have you waited such a long time to come and pay me a call?' At those few kind words, the monster grew an inch smaller, less ugly, less smelly, less offensive. All the people in the palace realized their mistake. Instead of saying, "Get out of here, you don't belong! What are you doing here? You don't belong in here!" they started to say, "Welcome." One of them said, "Actually, do you want something to drink? We've got some orange juice, freshly squozen." Squeezed...squozen? I don't know, who cares? [laughter] Ajahn: "Would you like something to eat? We've got some nice curry puffs." Are they available this evening? I don't know, I didn't see what's out there. "They got some curry puffs. We've got some sandwiches." Someone said, "Would you like a pizza? I can ring up. Monster size of course for someone like you." [laughter] Ajahn: Someone gave the monster a foot massage. Have you ever had a foot massage? Imagine a monster, with such big feet. It took about 10 of them to give each foot a massage. Someone else, "Do you want a cup of tea? We have English tea. We have peppermint. It's good for your health. Or a cup of coffee? Latte, cappuccino, or Brazilian?" I don't really know what I'm talking about with coffee. [laughter] I just drink whatever I'm given. Ajahn: So anyway, at every kind word or kind deed or kind thought the demon grew an inch smaller, less ugly, less offensive, less smelly. It wasn't such a long time even before the monster's pizza arrived he was back down to the size when he first began, when he first came in. They kept laying on the kindness until that demon got so tiny one more act of kindness and that demon vanished completely away.

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• Holy water by the bucket — then she sold it

  In brief: Thai member Poonsup Wong, always sick, asks Ajahn Brahm for holy water by the 11-litre bucket each week. A Chinese man later rings wanting…

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  some years ago, there was a Thai lady who married to a Chinese man. Many of you may remember her. Her name, I don't mind saying this, Poonsup Wong. Her husband was called George. And Poonsup, she was a Thai lady, but always she was always very sick. So much so that, you know, once she asked me, "Can you make me some holy water?" You know, this nam mon which, you know, sometimes you sprinkle people with. I said, "Yeah, sure." She said, "No, not a little bit. Can you make me by the bucket?" You know, like 11-liter buckets, plastic buckets. So, once a week, I'd make her a whole bucket of holy water, cuz I thought she was very sick. I'm a very kind monk. [laughter] So, that's what you want, that's what I'll give you. And that for weeks she was having this holy water by the bucket load. And then I found out what she was up to. Cuz I got a telephone call at Bodhinyana Monastery from a Chinese gentleman. He said, "I want to purchase some of your holy water." I said, "We don't purchase it. We give it away for free. This is like monks. We're not business people." He said, "No, no, no. You sell it." I don't. "It's very good." I said, "I don't sell it." And then uh something started to click in my mind. "What are you talking about?" He said, "I get mine from Mrs. Poonsup Wong. I want to cut out the middle white man or middle woman and get it direct from source, cheap." And I found out what she was up to. The bucket of holy water, 11 liters, she was taking it home and just dividing it up and then just it selling it a odd. She had a nice little order there. So as soon as I told her that was the end of that game.

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• The ATM that gave twenty euros

  In brief: A former monastery postulant studying in Germany adopts a campus ATM that 'gurgled' at him, sends it loving-kindness every day, and one…

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  The guy who was an Anagarika for one year at Serpentine Monastery Went over to Germany to complete his degree first day at a University campus he walked past the ATM machine This is a great story, and you may actually get some benefit from this, if you understand it and practice it properly So, he walked past the ATM machine and he said the ATM machine emitted a sound, he called it a gurgling type sound very difficult to define, but it made a sound just as he passed by and he took that as a welcome from the ATM machine to the campus And so from that time on that was his ATM, that's where he did all his transactions, and because he had been by a monk like me A little bit weird and crazy but, he would always give Loving-Kindness to the ATM machine. "May you be happy and well, may you never run out of cash may you're clients never hit you and swear at you when they find they've got no balance, may, you now, robbers never tear you out of a wall with a four wheel drive or blow up trying to get the cash may you live at peace and happy" that sorta stuff He'd talk to the ATM, regarded it as a personal being with consciousness and was always kind to it! And he swore to me, this actually happened, having his lunch one afternoon, on a bench, maybe about five or ten meters away from the ATM. No one had gone close to that ATM machine for about 20 minutes, he was there he saw it, no one had gone close to it! and he was sitting there, having his lunch, and he heard the gurgling sound again, the machine gurgled at him and he looked around, and he saw a twenty euro note come out of the machine (Laughs) no one had put in any credit card, punched in any numbers for twenty minutes it got twenty euros. And he went to the machine with disbelief, but it was there and he pulled it out: "does this belong to anybody?" no one claimed it but of course they wouldn’t claim it because it was the ATM's gift to It's friend

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