Joke · Ajahn Brahm

Joke: round the meditation menu

As told by Ajahn Brahm in How Do We Deal with Deeper Suffering | Ajahn Brahm | 5 June 2020

1 min read

Sometimes when they come on a retreat, they haven't done meditation before, I teach them say say breath meditation. Then after a day they say, "Oh, I can't do breath meditation." So I teach them Anapanasati. And after Anapanasati they know that's too difficult, I teach them metta meditation. They can't do metta, I teach them loving kindness. They can't do loving kindness, I teach them insight meditation. They can't do insight meditation, I teach them vipassana. They can't do vipassana meditation, I teach them letting go. They can't do letting go meditation, I teach them present moment awareness. They can't do present moment awareness, I teach them like the empty three questions meditation. They can't do the empty three questions meditation, I teach them breath meditation. By that time they forgot that's where they started.

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 1:05:04 (to 1:05:49)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

For a struggling beginner, Ajahn Brahm runs through meditation after meditation until he's back at the breath, and they've forgotten where they started. Every method is a different name for the same thing: stop controlling, let go of wanting, learn to just be. Arguing which is best, he says, is bull dung.

In brief (our summary)

A beginner on retreat can't do breath meditation, so he teaches them anapanasati; that's too hard, so metta; then loving kindness; then insight; then vipassana; then letting go; then present-moment awareness; then the emperor's-three-questions meditation; then breath meditation — by which time they've forgotten that's where they started.

Teaching point

All meditations are different names for the same process: stopping controlling and letting go of wanting. Arguing which is best is 'gomaya' (bull dung).

When this story may help

learning to meditate
comparing methods

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in How Do We Deal with Deeper Suffering | Ajahn Brahm | 5 June 2020 · 2020-06-05 · ▶ watch from 1:05:04 to 1:05:49 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

Caption notes: YouTube auto-captions with machine-added punctuation; words left exactly as captioned. 'empty three questions' = emperor's three questions.

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

The most beautiful thing in the toilet bowl
In brief: On one retreat Ajahn Brahm's mind is so still and full of energy that everything looks beautiful. After going to the toilet he glances…
Read full story
And that was the story of when This is really over the top, but it's beautiful. That when during one retreat, I was getting some very very deep meditation. My mind was just so still and peaceful and just so much energy that whatever you saw was just so beautiful and joyful. That's just the nature of things. You're so still, you see so much more. And I am a human being, just everybody has to do the same. I had to go to the toilet. And after going to the toilet, I just happened to glance into the bowl to see its contents. Wow. That is so beautiful. I'd never in my whole life seen such a beautiful piece of The browns, they're not just one brown. Next time you go, have a look. It's not just one brown. It's all different shades of brown. And just the way they are just arranged together like some Picasso. And the way it's just covered with this beautiful film of, you know, a little bit of mucus and water. And it shines like a diamond, you know, in the sunshine. It was sparkling. And the fragrance, my goodness. It always makes people laugh. But that's actually a true story. If you'd have been there in the cubicle next to me, you'd probably call for the guys in the white coats to take this crazy bug cuz I was really getting off on this beautiful piece of turd. And the reason why cuz my mind had opened up, and it was beautiful. You know, it was one of the hardest things I did, but I'm used to letting go. Press the button and see it fall away. I wanted to take it out, take it home with me.
Open story page·Watch this telling
The matchbox on the head
In brief: A malnourished young monk in steamy north-east Thailand — sticky rice with a boiled frog, under four and a half hours' sleep, up at 3 a.m.…
Read full story
when I became a monk who was in the jungles of Northeast Thailand I was malnourished one meal a day sticky rice I was a vegetarian I sometimes sticky rice and a frog on top that's all we had sweet yeah for a boiled frog no garlic no sauce notice abortive glutinous sticky rice with a fork on top that was all the villagers had in fact they gave us the best Fox it was disgusting but I was malnourished and in the morning we would get up but we only supposed to meditate to sleep for hours and nights I could never get below four and a half so three o'clock in the morning will be up in the hall to meditate steamy jungles I was made in England I was not used to such hot weather such sticky weather malnourished not enough sleep of course I was sleepy so I had the tricks what we tried to do first of all no use effort didn't work so then I tried a matchbox you take the cover off the matchbox you put the tray on your head because it means if you start nodding you see the matchbox fall on the ground you'd hear it only about three or four days I'd overcome my slot and talker I could put the matchbox on my head for one hour meditate in the morning it never fell off at all amazing until one of my monks took me aside and said this is why the matchbox is not falling off you're still sleepy but instead of doing this you're doing this their mind is so sneaky and tricky so after a while I started contemplating look made in England I'm not used to that climate are not enough sleep not enough our food it's natural so I decided to let go when I let go there's not much energy in my mind so you are dull but you knew you adult and little by little just like when the Sun comes up in the morning and it had evaporates all the mists that burns off the mist because I wasn't wasting energy fighting my sleepiness but just letting it be being kind to it opening the door of my heartless my energy started coming back again him my back straightened up my head lifted up naturally and I was peaceful
Open story page·Watch this telling
The wall that disappeared
In brief: As a young theoretical physicist, Ajahn Brahm sits at a Zen monastery in the north of England, in a converted cowshed, told to meditate…
Read full story
I usually bring up this experience I had when I was a lay person. when I was meditating wherever I could find a place to meditate and this was in a Zen monastery in the north of England and in this Zen monastery I didn't know what I was supposed to do they just you know in the little hall which is a converted cow shed that we sat down and we had to meditate with our eyes open it one of the first times I'd meditated with my eyes wide open I didn't know what I was supposed to do but I just meditated. But because I'd done some meditation before and I knew how to be in the present moment and stop this inner speech, as I was just with my eyes open, just being very peaceful, very calm, a strange thing happened. One of those weird experiences which show you there's more to this world than you'd thought. And at this time I was a theoretical physicist when I just looked at this wall just a whitewashed wall. Then suddenly without warning the wall disappeared. It vanished. It just wasn't there anymore. Which was so weird. One minute there was a wall solid and now there was nothing there. And of course instead of getting scared or think I was going crazy I used know what we do in Buddhism called insight. What's happening? And it soon became very clear to me that this is just the nature of the physical senses especially the sense of seeing sight. If you watch something, put your full attention on watching and what you observe doesn't move or change. It disappears. The sense of sight turns off.
Open story page·Watch this telling
Old monks don't lie
In brief: A wandering old monk spends the rains retreat in a hut a poor farmer builds for him. Leaving, he says a great treasure lies close by: at…
Read full story
there was an old monk who would Wander from place to place not staying in any Monastery but a Wandering Monk and he came to a farmhouse one day and the farmer gave him some food and the farmer was a devoted Buddhist and it was getting close to the retreat time we call the rain's Retreat now the was the the puns are in tire and the man said have you got any place to stay for the three month Retreat and the old monk said no I haven't please come and stay with us not far away is a beautiful Meadow next to the river I can quickly put up a simple Hut for you and I'm more than happy to feed you every day all I would ask all I would ask is once a week you teach me some DH and answer any questions on meditation that's all and the old monk said yes I would accept your invitation so the farmer built a simple Hut next to the river and every day the monk would go for his arms food very simple food but very nourishing and the monk could meditate nice and peacefully and once a week he would teach the farmer and his wife and their kids and after 3 months they got to love that old monk he was like part of the family and so when the old monk said it's time now for me to go the retreat is over they all started crying and even the dog put his tail between his legs and started whining CU even the dog fell in love with this old Monk and They begged him please don't go stay here forever you know you're like one of us but the monk said I have to go but said the old old monk I've had some very deep meditation and in my meditation I have discovered very close by closer than you think is buried a great treasure I know how poor you are and I want this to be your karmic reward I want you to have this treasure and this is how you find it listen carefully tomorrow morning said the old monk I want you to stand at the threshold of your house that's just where the door is I want you to face eastwards towards a Rising Sun and take up that old bow and arrow which you have which you know used to hunt and face the Rising Sun with your bow and arrow in your hand when the Sun rises stand and face the Rising Sun and let the arrow fly and where the arrow drops there you will find the treasure follow my instructions and you'll be rich beyond your wildest dreams and at that the monk left the following morning the father was up an hour before Dawn he was so excited he knew he would find a treasure you know why because all monks don't lie and he had the bow and arrow and he waited for the sun to rise and as the sun rose he picked up the bow and arrow faced the Rising Sun and shot the arrow and the arrow went a long distance and they all ran after it the wife the kids and the dog and where they Arrow fell he made his wife dig a big hole sometimes men are like that but don't worry if you're like that to your wife you have some karmic reward and see what's going to come up they dug a big hole or she dug a big hole where the arrow fell and what did she find nothing only trouble cuz that Arrow fell in a land belonging to a rich man and that rich man saw them and said you are destroying my land that's against the law I'm going to sue you I'm going to find you I'm going to give you lots of trouble and the wife said it's not my fault it's his fault pointing to the husband and the husband said it's not my fault it's the old Monk's fault and that word monk the rich man fell silent he said oh Monk I'm a Buddhist I'm a Buddhist said the rich man and old monks don't lie how come there's no treasure here what did he tell you and the farmer told the instructions of the old Monk and the rich man said I know your mistake look at you you're a poor farmer you've got no muscles on you you have to be someone rich and fat like me to be able to to shoot a bow and arrow look said the rich man tomorrow I will shoot that arrow and we'll split the treasure 5050 is that okay or do you want to go to jail so so the farmer said okay I'd accept that deal so the following morning they were there and the rich man shot the arrow in the direction of the Rising Sun it went much further and so they all ran after it the farmer the wife the children and of course the dog and this time because of the law of karma the farmer had to dig the hole and he dug and he dug this huge hole where the arrow fell and what did he find nothing only more trouble because this time this time the arrow fell in a field belonging to a general in the Army and he came with his soldiers and said you're destroy my property and he ordered the soldiers to cut them off cut the heads off right there and then he's a very Fierce General you don't mess around with generals and straight away the farmer said not my fault not my fault the rich man told me to dig this hole rich said no no no no not my fault it's this old monk this old monk said we'll find a treasure and that word monk even the general fell silent and he told the soldiers put away your swords I'm a Buddhist too said to J and old monks don't lie what did he tell you and when they told the instructions the general said look you stupid people you don't know how to shoot a bow and arrow you have to be a soldier trained in archery to know how to shoot a bow and arrow so he said tomorrow I will shoot that bow and arrow and I'm sure we'll find a treasure cuz old monks don't lie we'll split it three ways evenly so following morning the general was there and don't worry because this doesn't go on much longer the general shot the bow and shot the arrow and it went a huge distance because the soldier had practiced he trained in archery and they all ran after it the rich man the farmer his wife the kids and who else the dog yeah dog as well and this time it was a rich man's job to dig the hole where the arrow fell he d a really huge hole and what did the rich man find nothing only more trouble because this time this time the arrow fell in the King's Garden that's big trouble and the King arrested a lot of them and put them on trial and he told everybody destroying the king King's Garden is a capital offense punishable by death before I execute you explain what you were doing and the general said sorry it's not my fault this rich man's fault and no no not my fault it's his Farmer's fault and the farmer said not my fault the old monk the old monk got us into trouble and at that the king said hang on I'm a Buddhist too and oh monks don't lie I've got to get to the bottom of this I'm going to put you in jail until I find out exactly what's happened so he put them in jail and he sent his soldiers out to find that monk they soon found him and they dragged him back to the palace and the King said oh monk you've got these people into really big trouble they're about to be executed why and the old monk said because your majesty they did did not follow my instructions what do you mean said the king listen your majesty tomorrow you go to that poor Farmer's house you take the bow and arrow and follow my instructions and I guarantee you will find the treasure cuz I'm an old Monk and old monks don't lie and your majesty out of fairness to all these other people please split the treasure evenly four ways even the shareff of a king would satisfy you how much more would it satisfy the poor man and the King agreed so the following morning the King was at the threshold of the house with the general the rich man the farmer the father's wife the children and the dog who else the old monk yeah I forgot the old monk he was there too this time the king stood at the doorway of the house he waited for the sun to rise he picked of first of all he asked the monk said oh monk am I standing in the right place yes said to the old Mark you're following instructions and he waited for the Rising Sun and the old monk said correct your majesty you're following that instruction he picked up the bow an arrow correct your majesty and he faced the Rising Sun correct your majesty and he was about to shoot the arrow wrong your majesty what do you mean said the king and the monk said I told you your majesty to let the arrow fly not to shoot it and the King understood straight away instead of shooting the arrow he opened his finger and thumb and let the arrow fly and it fell right between his feet right where he was standing and there he got the general to dig a hole only a small hole and what did they find a huge huge treasure even a quarter of which satisfied the king and made the farmer and his family and the dog the richest dog in the whole of the Kingdom with a beautiful Diamond collar and the best food in a gold doggy Bowl for the rest of his life
Open story page·Watch this telling

All stories·Find a story for your situation

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)