“That was the worst tape I've ever heard”

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• The hermit of the Nullarbor

  In brief: Ajahn Brahm's monk's fantasy: living as a hermit in a deep Nullarbor cave with water beneath. Then he imagines what would follow — someone…

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  I always had these fantasies like going in deep caves. This was my fantasy. Coz when I first came over here I heard there’s some brilliant caves in Nullarbor. And they’ve got water underneath as well. So you’ve got your water, you’ve got seclusion. And I felt sure I can get someone to give me some food somewhere. And I thought I would become like the hermit of Nullarbor. That’s my fantasy. This is what monks dream of. They don’t dream of winning the lottery or finding a beautiful girl. They dream of being a nice hermit in a deep cave in Nullarbor. But then I started fantasizing further: what would happen next? Imagine, if you were like a monk and you’re staying in a deep cave in Nullarbor, sooner or later somebody will find you. And the soonest they find you, they will tell Channel 9. (laughter) And Channel 9 will go out there with their reporters to do like a human interest story about the hermit of the Nullarbor. “And why did you run away? Was it because of a broken heart? (laughter from the audience) Was it because… was it because your business went pear-shaped? Or because some other reason why you just didn’t like the world anymore? Because the Eagles kept on losing, was that the reason why you why you went to be a hermit?” (Ajahn laughing) And then they do an interview, and of course it would go on the TV and of course as soon as the TV would go there and they tell you that there’s a hermit at their Nullarbor, and of course all these tourists will start to come and visit you on the way across the Nullarbor Plain they make a diversion to go and see the hermit of the Nullarbor. Coz that’s very rare to see like a hermit. And so I’ve got all those tour busses coming to see the hermit of the Nullarbor. And then soon they would have to have toilets outside my cave and a little gift shop which has devontiontees. And before long you get those little dolls like the hermit of the Nullarbor with a shaky head. (audience laughing) And so you’d be a tourist attraction. Just like everything else. And that’s what happens with the hermit of the Nullarbor

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• “Another hour!” — Ajahn Sumedho's four-hour talk

  In brief: Ajahn Sumedho gives an hour's talk in Thai to the overnight lay guests; each time he stops, Ajahn Chah calls “Another hour!” — through…

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  Ajahn Sumedho, it was him who was asked to give a talk, not on such a big occasion, but on the weekly talks, to all the lay community who were staying in this monastery overnight. So he gave a talk in Thai. It was sort of all right, but westerners giving a talk in a foreign language, it's difficult. Sometimes you say the wrong word and people laugh and you don't know what you've said, but you find out afterwards. You get very embarrassed. And after he finished the hour, he went to stop the talk and go and sit down, but Ajahn Chah said, "Another hour!" And he ordered this monk to give another hours' talk in Thai. You know, that's very difficult. You end up repeating yourselves, telling the same stories. You know, I tell the same stories, but I usually wait two or three weeks, you know, before - and that's why I really like - what I really like talking to is old people who haven't got such a good memory, because then they can always laugh at my talk jokes every week, even though it's the same joke. So he had to do another hour. And when finished the second hour, you know, he said, "Now the talk is over", and Ajahn Chah shouted out, "Another hour!". And at that point, many people got up and left. It's very embarrassing when you're giving a talk and people leave, but he had no choice. He had to keep on speaking. And now, of course, you get lots of pauses. You think, "Well, what am I going to say and how am I going to say it?" And eventually he finished. He finished the third hour. By that time, many people had left. And those people who were still there had their eyes closed, snoring. They weren't paying attention. But he got through the third hour. And then Ajahn Chah said, "Okay, another hour!". And the poor monk had to give another hour of talking. The worst possible talk you can ever imagine. Just mumbling, saying anything when everybody had left, except Ajahn Chah probably. And then Ajahn Chah finally, after four hours, let him off. And he said after that experience, he was never, ever afraid of giving a talk ever again.

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• Buddhism and bananas

  In brief: How do you peel a banana correctly? Go to the experts — not monks, monkeys. A monkey never peels a banana at the stalk; it peels from the…

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  If you remember this similarly that when you eat a banana, you have to peel it first. How do you peel bananas? Do you peel bananas correctly or wrongly? How do you know how to peel a banana? You go to the experts. Who are the experts with bananas? Do you say monks? Monkeys. They're the experts. And if you ever see a monkey peel a banana, they never peel it at the stalk. The banana's got two ends. the stalk end and the other end is where the little flower was. It's much easier to peel it at the flower end. And that's how monkeys peel it. So next time you have a banana, just do an experiment. Peel it at two bananas, one at one end, one at the other end, and see just how monkeys were so wise. And as I said, I use that simile. If you want to learn something like meditation, who are the experts with meditation? Monks and nuns. Yes. So if you want to get the best teachings, go to the experts.

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• Ajahn Chah's eyes stop on the four-year monk

  In brief: At Magha Puja at Wat Pah Pong, before thousands of lay people and some 150 monks, Ajahn Chah's gaze runs down the line of monks, passes…

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  Imagine this, this was in February after my - I had only been a monk for four years, and this was the second biggest festival in the whole Buddhist calendar in Thailand. The full moon of February. It was called Magha Puja. Second only to Vesak in its size. So together with all the other disciples of my teacher Ajahn Chah, we went to his monastery, Wat Pah Pong, where there must have been five or six thousand people, lay people, and all the monks were there as well. And in the evening after the chanting, it was time for the talk, for the sermon, and I was looking forward to hearing Ajahn Chah teach something inspiring. But sometimes he didn't give the talk. Sometimes he would ask his second monk or his third monk to give the talk. Sometimes he would ask for any monk to give the talk, and that was scary. And what he'd do, he looked down this line of monks, this line of maybe 100, 150 monks, and if his eyes stopped at you, you were in trouble. Big trouble. So I remember this very clearly, his eyes went down the line, past all these very senior monks who could give really good talks, and he came to me, and went past. Phew. I was so relieved he was going to choose someone below me, someone who could speak Thai, because the talk had to be in Thai. But then his eyes stopped and went up the line again - he was a sadist - and stopped at me. "Brahmavamso, get up and give the talk!" I'd only been four years as a monk and I had to give the talk on this huge occasion in front of about six or seven thousand Thais. As I tell the story, it was 6000. Now it has gone up to 7000. This is just what happens when you give talks. And with all these senior monks and in front of my teacher, how would you feel? You were trained it didn't matter. You just went up there and gave a talk in Thai. It didn't matter how it came out, because the whole purpose of that was teaching you how to overcome your fear.

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