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• The Rottweilers weren't chained

  In brief: Visiting a house, he's told not to worry about the two Rottweilers — they're chained up — so he walks right past them. Only afterwards…

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  I just remember just going to one person's house and she had these two Rottweilers chained up and so he said, "No, it's okay. You don't need to be afraid of the Rottweilers. They're all chained up." So they walk right past them and only afterwards. No, she will. Almost had a heart attack. Oh my goodness, I forgot to put the chains on.

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• The tiger that was a mouse

  In brief: Meditating alone at night deep in the Thai jungle, Ajahn Brahm hears rustling. As a Cambridge-trained scientist he assesses it: a small…

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  so I was meditating in the jungle really dark no lights had a sort of flashlight but it was you know had to conserve the power and there was no mobile phones no one took court if there was any danger there deep in the jungle alone meditating now the jungle can be really peaceful at first especially you know when they see Carters you know start to die down after Sunset you'll be very peaceful and very cool you know Tyler is a very hot country but in the forest the shade of the trees maybe it's just the oxygen which they give up gives a beautiful atmosphere it's really cool and very peaceful and so secluded hardly any disturbances at all so I was getting into some really nice deep meditation until I heard a sound there's always something in the jungle crawling around and so I was mindful as you know I've been practicing this for years I was very mindful I didn't need to open my eyes if I did I couldn't say anything it was pitched dark I just listened and and assessed I was brought up as a scientist in Cambridge University so I did some like assessment gather some data and use some reason and by the sound of this animal it was only just you know not really crushing leaves it was just a little bit of rustling in the leaves so I assessed it and said oh it's only maybe a small little animal just you know walking through the jungle nothing to be afraid of so then I started meditating again but then after another couple of minutes I realized it was coming much closer and as it was closer I could hear it more clearly and I realized no no it's not a small animal it's a medium-sized one you could tell by the way it was actually crashing the leaves and breaking the Twigs but still nothing to be really afraid of and then when it got really close wow that's not a medium-sized one that's a big one because the way it was making a noise it must be something really heavy to actually to break not tweaks but like almost like small branches and crushing the leaves on the forest floor because you can't walk in the forest without any noise there's too much undergrowth and too much leaves litter on the ground this was a big animal that was dangerous and I got really scared and I picked up my flashlight and you know the waste of time for that really was a tiger that just tell you the tiger where you were but that's how stupid you are you pick up your flashlight and you look for it where's the big tiger and then I saw it I saw it just not that far in front of me this tiny Mouse about this big that's what it was and that tiny Mouse had been making us more noise but it was my fear with an exaggerated that sound into thinking it really was a tiger

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• 'Doctor, have you got anything for worms?'

  In brief: A hypochondriac has every fashionable disease — each COVID variant, then monkeypox — and keeps visiting his doctor, who finally loses…

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  I remember this story of this um they called him a hypochondric and any disease which was fashionable the in disease of the moment this guy always always had at least he thought he had it and so he kept on seeing the doctor when COVID was coming the first COVID he went to see the doctor and the doctor said you haven't got COVID you're free of co are you sure yeah you sure and then it was instead of the co the Omicron this B virus or B I don't forget what that B1 B5 or something and anyway he every time there was a new variant of COVID he had to get tested and then when it became the latest fa uh disease virus monkey pox if anyone should have monkey pox it would be me. I'm a monk. Sorry, that's a silly joke. But anyway, this guy went to the doctor said, "Hey, I've got monkey box." No, you haven't. But this time, the doctor was so upset at this guy. It's taking up so much time for the doctor. So, he the doctor actually shouted at him for the first time, look, you're a healthy individual. There's nothing wrong with you. You are fine. Yeah. Don't come and see me anymore until you know your legs falling off or something. You know, all this hypochondria, you're wasting my time and your time. And has ever that happened to you? A doctor actually shouts to you like that? Anyway, this doctor did cuz he was had it. He just lost his patience with his hypochondriac. And then what happened? The hypochondriac was so stunned. He left the surgery left the doctor's office and you know he was so stunned that he walked across the road without looking and got hit got hit by a truck and killed and the doctor heard the sign of sound of the accident went running out and he thought oh my goodness I was too tough on this hypochondriac and now he's dead and the doctor had a heart attack and also But why are you laughing? That's a tragedy. But anyway, what happened next was because they died, you know, almost uh within a minute of each other, they got buried in a cemetery in adjacent graves. And the very first night when the doctor was in his coffin underground, he heard something was knocking on his coffin. So opened his coffin lid and it was a hypochondric. The hypochondric said to the doctor, "Doctor, doctor, do you have anything for worms?

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• Ajahn Singtong came before the chicken

  In brief: Young Ajahn Singtong overslept at Ajahn Maha Bua's strict monastery, where missing the morning meeting meant no alms round and no food. He…

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  This is a great story of Ajan Singong because somebody asked me just the last day of the retreat, can you tell a couple of stories about this Thai forest monk called Ajan Singong? He died some years ago. But he was a young monk with a very fierce monk called Ajan Mahaba. Ajan Mahab was a well-known meditator but very very strict. probably the strictest of the monks in the time when I was a young monk. And so he had a very strict rule in his monastery. If any monk missed the morning meeting, if they didn't come for the chanting and meditation in the morning, that meant they could not go on the arms round. If they didn't go on the arms round, they couldn't eat that day. They had to fast. So anyway, this aan Singong, he got up late. He slept in and he thought, "Oh my goodness, the meeting has already started in the morning. That means I will not be able to join the meeting. I will not be able to go on arms round. That means I will have to fast today. Ah, what should I do?" The important thing with religions like Buddhism, we call it a religion, is it's always innovative. Use your insight. There's always another possibility somehow or other. So what he did now, he was a a local lad. Now in those days, you know, the forest is all around you. This was when was this 1970 something. The forest was all around you. So he went into the forest and in the morning he managed to find a forest chicken and he grabbed it. Now some of the things you see over there was really amazing. There was one of these I never saw this but the other monks I grew up with they saw this. It's real. There was know when monks were sitting a cobra, a king cobra came in to the hall and it was actually not trying to attack anybody. It was just basically didn't know where it was going and started moving and this monk grabbed it. That's what he used to do when he was a lay person as a snake catcher. He grabbed it. It's amazing to see that. But anyway, that's not recommended. Please don't practice these things at home. But this uh uh at this particular time the uh where was I going with this one? Ainto. Yes. He managed to capture a chicken. Chicken is much safer to capture than a than a snake. Captured a chicken. He had a rope and he tied the rope around the chicken's neck and pulled the chicken to the hall. You wonder why is he doing that? The punch line is coming in a moment as he was as dragging the chicken. The chicken was making a lot of noise as chickens would do, as you would do if you've been dragged to the hall early in the morning. Poor chicken. And as soon as they got to the hall then a singong let the chicken go but everybody heard that noise and then after the the meeting was finished they were about to go in arms round a mar boy said you came late you can't go in arms round and this monk said no no no no he said mar gone guy which is a tie word it's an it's an idiom said no I came before the chicken Like what we saying is before cockcrow which means you got up very early. It was meant he got up so early as he came before the chicken crows. Okay, you managed to get it somehow or other. And all the monks laughed and even Ajam laughed. Okay, you can come on Armstrong.

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