Being Mindful Stories

Joke · Ajahn Brahm

“If my daughter didn't have those faults…”

As told by Ajahn Brahm in Depression | Ajahn Brahm | 25-06-2010

1 min read

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

There's one of those great stories that a person who got married and used to say as the father in-law took the daughter-in-law...no the father-in-law took his new son-in-law aside, so you probably love my, my daughter very much. Yes I've just married her, she's beautiful, she's charming, she's wonderful, even the way she puts her finger in her ear to get the wax out is charming. And he said that's what it's like when you get married, everything you do is just loveable. And the father-in-law said but in one or two years time you'll start to see the faults and defects in my daughter but please son-in-law always remember this, always remember if my daughter did not have those faults to begin with, she'd have married someone much better than you.

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 5:55 (to 6:50)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

The newlywed found even his bride's ear-cleaning charming; her father warned that the faults would show, and that without them she'd have married someone better. It's a joke with a kind sting. None of us is a perfect partner, so we can't demand one. When the little faults start to grate, remember your own and laugh.

In brief (our summary)

A newly married man tells his father-in-law that everything his bride does is charming — even how she cleans wax from her ear. The father-in-law warns that in a year or two he'll start seeing her faults, and asks him always to remember: if she didn't have those faults, she'd have married someone much better than him.

Teaching point

You can't expect a perfect partner when you are not perfect; fault-finding drains the joy from relationships.

When this story may help

  • newly married
  • seeing a partner’s faults
  • marriage difficulties

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in Depression | Ajahn Brahm | 25-06-2010 · 2010-06-26 · ▶ watch from 5:55 to 6:50 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

5 other tellings of this story

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

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    I remember this one story of disappointment which I read the other day about the person who was, they found him just in Karakatta and he was weeping over a grave. And he was just so disappointed. Why did you die? Why did you die? Why did you die? And someone came up to him and said, what's wrong? They saw it was a male grave, is that your son or your father? He said, no, I'm just so disappointed he died. Well, who was he? He said he was the husband of my present wife, the former husband that was. Why did you have to die? Why do you have to die?

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  • Complaining about the wall

    In brief: Walking from his mother's flat in London to give a talk, Ajahn Brahm passed two young men waiting for a bus, sitting on a wall topped with…

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    when I was visiting my mother in London some years ago and I was just walking from her apartment to a temple to give a talk, and I passed these two young men waiting for a bus. And they were sitting on a wall. But unfortunately, the wall was not flat, it was round bricks on the top. And they were complaining: ‘They should not allow walls to be built like this, they should all be flat’. But my goodness! You can complain about anything, what's wrong with that? At least you've got somewhere to put your bum on, you don't have to stand! Yeah, it may not be flat, but it's good enough - what do you want, all the walls, the garden walls, to be upholstered with cushions and backrests for you? [laughter] But you find that even in an advanced country, you can always find some fault.

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  • One side is right but not correct

    In brief: Ajahn Brahm quotes 'Great Master Ran': in an argument one side is right but not correct, the other correct but not right — so both are…

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    Great Master ran sometimes would I take an hour to say he would just sum up in just know one second with these p statements he said when there is an argument he said one side is right but not correct the other side is correct but not right that's a beautiful saying isn't it so you have an argument with your wife with your husband who's right and who's wrong

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  • 20,000 to one: the husband who lied once

    In brief: After a talk in Malaysia a mathematics lecturer asks whether to divorce her husband because she discovered he lied. Ajahn Brahm does the…

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    The classic tale was when I was teaching in Malaysia, and somebody asked me this question at the end of the talk. I have found out this morning my husband has lied to me. My husband has lied. I can't trust him anymore. Should I get divorced? She asked me whether she should get divorced. Quick I asked her what are you doing at this university. She was a lecturer on mathematics. So I saw an opportunity to answer her question, I asked how long have you been married, she said three years. I said let's do some statistics. Three years is maybe one thousand days. Lets say for the sake of this argument, let's assume that on average throughout your three years of marriage, your husband has said maybe twenty things to you every day, on average, which could be right, which could be wrong. So he's said twenty thousand statements to you since you've been married and now he's lied for the first time. The quantum probability theory on his past record, the next time he opens his mouth there is a twenty thousand to one chance he's telling the truth. What do you mean you can't trust him? [LAUGHTER] Isn't that pretty good odds, twenty thousand to one? If every time a politician opened their mouth with twenty thousand to one chance they're telling the truth, I'd vote for them, wouldn't you? They'd be trust worthy. But you can see what we've pointed out, that why is it that one lie, a real lie, they'd lied, why is that given so much prominence that everything else is totally forgotten and ignored? This is the stupidity of our human being which is just so fault finding and negative it hasn't got a balanced perspective on life. That lady wanted to destroy her marriage. Once I told her that story they stayed together.

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