How to be happy — no one is happy

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• Weeping at the grave of his wife's first husband

  In brief: A man sobs at a grave in Karrakatta, “Why did you die?” Asked if it is his father or son, he says no — it was his present wife's former…

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  I remember this one story of disappointment which I read the other day about the person who was, they found him just in Karakatta and he was weeping over a grave. And he was just so disappointed. Why did you die? Why did you die? Why did you die? And someone came up to him and said, what's wrong? They saw it was a male grave, is that your son or your father? He said, no, I'm just so disappointed he died. Well, who was he? He said he was the husband of my present wife, the former husband that was. Why did you have to die? Why do you have to die?

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• What is two plus two?

  In brief: Three candidates for preselection in a safe Australian seat are asked the same question: what is 2 + 2? The first uses a calculator: 4.…

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  A preselection for a safe seat somewhere in Australia. And there were three candidates, once they interviewed everybody, the last three candidates. And so the people who are going to select who's going to stand for the election in this seat. They called in the candidates, one after the other. The first one, who came in, they said: We're gone ask each one of you the same question, a very simple question. Please tell us the answer. The question is: What is 2 + 2? And the first candidate got out his calculator. Punched in the instructions and he said 4. Very good. Don't call us, we will call you. And they called in the second candidate. Same question to keep it fair. What is 2 + 2 ? And straight away he said 4. Very good. Don't call us, we will call you. They asked the third candidate. What is 2 + 2 ? And this candidate said: 2 + 2 is whatever you tell me it is, boss. You got the job. [laughter]

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• Looking for the perfect partner

  In brief: A rich, gorgeous, double-first graduate decides he's so perfect he must marry the most perfect girl. In Sydney he finds a magazine-cover…

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  there's a person over in sort of Australia over in Sydney and this guy he was you know very very wealthy he inherited a lot of money from his grandfather and he was about 6' three blue-eyed really strong great pecs he was actually dropped dead gorgeous and he thought you know he had a a double first from from Cambridge and he thought look so what a great guy I am I'm absolutely perfect Rich goodlooking well educated cultured he said I'm So Perfect now I'm going to choose the most perfect girl in the world you know to marry and I'm not going to I'm not going to choose settle for second breath she has to be really perfect so I went over to Sydney and found this really really gorgeous girl you now the sort of girl you see in the front cover of magazines and he went out with her for a while but just she wasn't perfect enough for him cuz he found out she couldn't cook she was hopeless and so she said no no I want someone who's beautiful and can cook so he went down to Melbourne and he met this girl she was even more beautiful than a girl in Sydney and this girl owned her own restaurant she was a perfect cook so you thought wow this is perfect girl for me but after going out with her for a few weeks know he dumped her too cuz she was stupid you know know he had to double first from Oxford he tried to relate to her and she didn't know anything so she wasn't perfect enough and so where did he come next to Perth and there he found the most beautiful girl in the whole world oh she was really really gorgeous she was like Heavenly it's like an angel and she owned five restaurants and her cookie just would just make just make sort of all these celebrity chef STW they were nowhere near as good as this cook and she was so intelligent she had a double first not only from Cambridge but from Harvard and Oxford and Y and everywhere and from uwa she was so intelligent she was the most perfect girl but he couldn't marry her either you know why because she was looking for the perfect guy

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• Why the bride wears white

  In brief: Wedding joke he tells at ceremonies: why does the bride wear white and the groom black? White is the symbol of purity — so now you…

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  one of the jokes was now why is it in a marriage that the bride wears white and the groom wears black and the answer is you know this is the answer I've told before it's because why is a symbol of Purity and that's the bride so now you understand why the boy wears black but I heard another another reason why the why the the bride wears white at a at a wedding ceremony and that's because all domestic appliances are white

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