Stories for needing a laugh
75 Buddhist wisdom stories for needing a laugh from Buddhist teachers, each linked to the original talk.
- Angels over NorthbridgeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Lost angels feel landmarks through the clouds: Statue of Liberty (New York), Eiffel Tower (Paris), Taj Mahal (India). Over Northbridge in Perth one has lost his wrist-watch.
- Anicca, Dukkha and Anatta walk into a pubJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Anicca, Dukkha and Anatta walk into a pub. Dukkha says the bar sucks; Anicca says don't worry, it will change; Anatta asks who said that.
- “At least I haven't got cancer”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A doctor tells a man he has terminal cancer — and Alzheimer's. “Alzheimer's? Oh, that's not so bad. At least I haven't got cancer.”
- Brown Paper BobJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A rider finds a Wild West town deserted: everyone's gone to the hanging of Brown Paper Bob, an eccentric who wears a brown paper bag for a hat, another for a shirt and another…
- Buddha Air — no seats, just cushionsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Fantasy airline: no seats, sit on cushions, meditate instead of entertainment — twice the passengers, no aisles needed.
- Coralie wrestled him into a funeral hugStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At Clem Kentish's funeral his daughter Coralie (farm girl who wrestled sheep) insisted on hugging the monk despite the rule; he said no — she said yes — and he had no chance.
- Darwin crows only die under trucksJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On the Darwin highway the only roadkill noticed is crows — and only under trucks and buses, never sedans. The rumour checks out as true.
- Death us do part — see you in heavenJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Devoted couple reunite in heaven; he refuses her — the ceremony said death us do part, and they are dead now.
- Depression privileges — a third bowl of ice creamJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He tells a depressed man not to advertise recovery too soon — wife and boss will put him back to work. The man later reports: when depressed he got two bowls of ice cream; if he…
- Do you know Ajahn Brahm? — asked on Adam's PeakStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: WA politician Mike Nahan told a BSWA gathering that climbing Adam's Peak (Sri Pada) in Sri Lanka, his guide asked who he was; when he said a WA minister, the guide asked: do you…
- “Donald, duck!”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An assassin pulls a gun on Donald Trump; the Secret Service shout “Donald, duck!” — and the gunman can't pull the trigger, he's too busy laughing.
- Drowned in his own teepeeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Native American migrates to Perth and loves Sri Lankan tea so much that one day he drinks too much and drowns in his own tea-pee.
- Face to face with a tiger — in the zooJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Asked about jungle stories, Ajahn Brahm says he once stood four feet from a huge tiger and was not scared at all — because the tiger was in the zoo, behind bars.
- Fat bottoms polish the temple floorsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Joke about why temple floors in Asia and at Serpentine's Dhamma hall shine: centuries of people fidgeting on the floor — every fat bottom is a polish pad.
- French copper wires under ParisJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Telecom conference: French claim ancient copper under Paris; English one-up with older bronze under London; US won't be outdone.
- Gambling? With whom?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Buddhist monk, a Christian priest and a rabbi meet for interfaith friendship; tea turns to cards, cards to gambling, and they're arrested. The judge asks the priest if he was…
- He didn't have a leg to stand onJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A motorcyclist's wrong leg is amputated; they take the other too. He sues and loses — he didn't have a leg to stand on.
- Hey Hare Krishna — and he was oneStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Shopping with his mother on Ealing Broadway, someone shouts 'Hey Hare Krishna!' Embarrassed for mum, he educates the beanie-wearing heckler that he is a Buddhist monk — then the…
- Holy water from Lourdes — “Another miracle!”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Returning from pilgrimage to Lourdes, a Catholic traveller's bags contain two Johnnie Walker bottles; he insists it's holy water carried in old whisky bottles. The sceptical…
- How many seconds in a year?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After walking through 60/60/24/365, the answer is 12: the 2nd of January, February, March…
- I can't openerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? I can't opener.
- I know your little secretJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A boy learns a pocket-money trick: tell sister 'I know your little secret' and collect $20; try Mum for $50; Dad for $100. Monday morning he tries the milkman — who puts down the…
- I lied about my age — I told her I was 90Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Seventy-year-old marries a young woman; friend asks if he lied about his age — yes: he said he was ninety.
- I noted jewelry going out, going out, going outJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Joke about a meditator whose house is burgled: he was very mindful — noted burglar going in, jewelry going out, safe going out — but never responded. Mindfulness needs a response…
- I think I'm enlightened — I don't feel myselfJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Monk wakes claiming enlightenment because he 'didn't feel himself' — Fennel Chan / anattā punchline.
- I want to be a dog next lifeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Man wants rebirth as a dog: no boss, lie around, good food, free health care — only job is walking the owner once or twice a day.
- I'll explain patience tomorrowJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a China retreat someone asks him to explain the importance of patience. He says he will let them know tomorrow.
- 'I'm only going to tell you this once'Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a suicide-bomber training camp, on the last lesson the instructor gathers the recruits: 'I'm now going to demonstrate the suicide vest, so please listen carefully, because I'm…
- I'm talking to the duckJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Wife calls out whether tonight's dinner should be chicken, lamb or beef. Husband answers 'Chicken, dear.' She replies she wasn't talking to him — she was talking to the duck.
- I'm the treasurer — I can squeeze five more dropsJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Northbridge pub an ex-Olympic wrestler offered free drinks to anyone who could squeeze five more drops from a lemon he had already crushed. Bikies, boxers and footballers…
- In the loving arms of another man's wifeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm 'confesses' that he spent some of the most wonderful times of his life in the loving arms of another man's wife: they kissed, hugged, loved each other. It was his…
- It's not the cough that carries you offJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Mother's line: it's not the cough that carries you off — it's the coffin they carry you off in.
- Juggling machetes for the policeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Police find machetes in a man's car; he says he juggles them in the circus, so they make him prove it. As he expertly juggles them by the roadside, a driver behind thinks: “Hope…
- Keep your hands off — I'm on workers' compensationJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An Englishman, a Singaporean and an Australian buy Jesus beers in a pub. Jesus heals the Singaporean's migraine and the Englishman's indigestion. The Australian backs away: 'Keep…
- Most humble monk in the Guinness BookJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He jokes about writing to Guinness to be listed as the most humble monk in the world — an oxymoron he loves.
- Mr Bear's third wishJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A magic duck grants a bear and a rabbit three wishes each to stop chasing. The bear wishes all other male bears away (then all males in the world); the rabbit wishes for a crash…
- No Sex in the MonasteryStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone told him Sarah Jessica Parker had been seen in a US coffee shop reading Opening the Door of Your Heart. He imagined it was only a matter of time before he got a cameo in…
- No toilet stopsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a six- or seven-hour bus journey across north-east Thailand, the senior monk (captioned as Ajahn Liem) says there's no time for toilet stops: he walks down the bus handing…
- Nudist colony — slow down — naked chicksJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A chicken farmer's council speed signs fail to stop cars killing his free-range chicks. Taking kamma into his own hands, he puts up his own sign: 'Nudist colony — slow down —…
- Oh my God — the Fremantle DockerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Four Catholic mothers compare pride: one son's a priest (Father), one's a bishop (Your Grace), one's a cardinal (Your Eminence). The fourth: her son never joined a church — he…
- Opened the Door of the Heart — in the medical sectionStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Adelaide friends hunt his book; self-help clerk joke; they find Opened the Door of the Heart shelved in medical — someone thought heart surgery. He is proud.
- Owners of Labradors go blindJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two men talking: one plans to buy a Labrador. His mate: 'Don't be stupid. Haven't you noticed the owners of Labradors usually go blind?'
- Pasta livesJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a retreat where rebirth is discussed, a written question reports two vivid dreams — in one life they were a piece of ravioli, in another a strand of spaghetti. Is this an…
- Putting Descartes before the horseJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A philosophy horse walks into a bar, says 'I think not,' and vanishes — Descartes: I think therefore I am. Punchline: putting Descartes before the horse.
- Quit while you're ahead — count the clean platesJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Before washing up, count clean plates versus dirty ones; if clean outnumber dirty, quit while you're ahead. Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow — you might die…
- Sexy dance for the Massey FergusonJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A farmer told by a marriage counsellor to do something sexy to attract his wife is later found naked doing a sexy dance in front of his Massey Ferguson tractor.
- Thank the burglar for the whiskeyJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Someone's house is burgled of expensive whiskey; Brahm says thank the burglar — he stopped you breaking precepts — and asks for the burglar's name to give other addresses.
- The carrot who'll be a vegetableJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two carrots walk down St George's Terrace when a drunk driver mounts the pavement and hits one. Rushed to Royal Perth Hospital, he's in surgery for three hours. The surgeon comes…
- The coffin that chased him homeJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Man flees a cemetery thinking he is safe; the coffin bumps after him; he jumps his front gate — then the coffin tries to smash the iron gate down.
- The dead dog and the cat scanJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Owner brings a dog to the vet insisting it is alive; the vet uses a live cat as a diagnostic (nose, tail, belly) — dog never moves. Bill: $20 consultation + $2,000 for the cat…
- The Eskimo in the desertJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man dying of thirst in the desert meets a real Eskimo with sled and huskies, and gasps with relief that he has been lost for days. The Eskimo replies: “And you think you're…
- The hypnotist monk's donation boxJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A new monk can't pay his temple's bills. A senior monk advises: close the doors, turn up the heat, give a boring monotone sermon, swing a fob watch and hypnotise everyone — 'when…
- The mugged tax ministerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A gunman orders a man to hand over all his money. “Look, I'm the Minister of Taxation.” — “Oh, sorry, sir. Hand over MY money, then.” — “Fair enough.”
- The odd-job manJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The Dhammaloka subcommittee hire an odd-job man and give him ten jobs. He completes only jobs number one, three, five, seven and nine. He was the odd-job man.
- The parrot ordered whiskeyJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Passenger and parrot on a cut-price airline; attendant asks for drinks; parrot demands whiskey; attendant shocked; passenger only wants tea.
- The penalty for perjury is less than for the truthJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man on trial for murder in New York, facing the electric chair, is caught lying under oath. The judge warns him about perjury. He replies that the penalty for perjury is far…
- The Pope, the Archbishop and the puttJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury settle church unity with 18 holes of golf. On the last green the Pope misses putt after putt, swearing “Damn it! Missed!” while his nun…
- The punk and the old manJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a New York train a punk with multi-coloured spikes, razor-blade earrings and piercings snaps at the old man opposite: 'What are you looking at, old man?' 'Just you. Didn't you…
- The ranger's spot check hit a fire drillStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a bushfire-era Fire and Emergency Service certificate (Mitchell Roberts presenting), a shire ranger did an unannounced spot check and found every monk already in fire suits…
- The squirrel on the psychiatrist's couchJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A cartoon sent to the monastery: a squirrel on a psychiatrist's couch explains why it came — when it realised 'you are what you eat', it realised it was nuts.
- The Thai dancers and the sprinklersStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a big Jhana Grove ceremony, Thai dancers in full costume were performing on the grass when the reticulation came on and soaked them. Ajahn Brahm knew where the switch was and…
- Then cancel my husband's life insuranceJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A woman's house burns down; the insurer will only replace, not cut a cheque. She says she should cancel her husband's life insurance then — she would only get a replacement.
- There's a nasty bug going aroundJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man is punched, headbutted and stabbed on three successive days by a six-foot cockroach at his door. In hospital the doctor says that is to be expected — there's a nasty bug…
- Three smiling bodies in the morgueJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A coroner explains three smiling corpses to a policeman: one died of a heart attack with his mistress, one drank himself to death after a lottery win — and the third was struck…
- Tickets sold faster than Lady Gaga'sStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In Medan, Indonesia, about 3–4,000 cheap tickets for Ajahn Brahm's talk sold out in ~30 minutes the same weekend Lady Gaga's Jakarta concert sold out in 40 — so they teased that…
- Twenty-six sheep — ten die — how many survive?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Math riddle: 26 sheep in a field, 10 die — how many survive? Not 16 — twenty sick sheep.
- Watch out for falling rocksJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A dying Comanche chief sends Geronimo and Fallen Rocks to hunt buffalo for 30 days; Geronimo returns with many skins; Fallen Rocks never does — and road signs still say 'Watch…
- What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? 'Aye matey' (I'm eighty).
- What do people drink in England? Grey teaJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Winter England gag: sky, buildings, coats all grey — punchline grey tea; stiff upper lip is just frozen weather.
- Who sits next to God?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man who went to church every Sunday, gave donations and kept the Ten Commandments dies and goes to heaven, expecting to see Jesus beside God. Instead a cleaning lady with mop,…
- Why ants don't get COVIDJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Why don't ants get COVID? Because they've got antibodies.
- Why did the chewing gum cross the road?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Riddle he promised to try out: why did the piece of chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the foot of a chicken. ('I forgive myself every time I tell a joke.')
- Why you never see elephants in treesJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A joke a man told him: why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're too good at hiding. Like the US Army's state-of-the-art camouflage trucks — now they can't…
- You know when the Gurkha visited — your head falls offJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Former Gurkha monk: you always know when a Gurkha visited in the night — you wake, shake your head, and it falls off.
- You're the girl whose name I keep forgettingJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When strangers ask 'Do you remember me?' after talks to hundreds or thousands, a joke-book escape: 'Oh yes — you're the girl whose name I keep forgetting.'