Stories about relationships
26 Buddhist wisdom stories about relationships from Buddhist teachers, each linked to the original talk.
- After she died, George missed herStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Thai wife Punup (Poonsup) publicly criticises and orders her Chinese husband George every weekend at the monastery food offering. Ajahn Brahm feels sorry for him — yet when she…
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There was this Thai girl married to a Chinese man. They used to come here many years ago. I know Rodney remembers them. Punup and George. And every time they came here, this Punup, the the wife, she was so abusive to George. She would criticize him in public, shouted him to all the other people who come to offer food on a Saturday, Sunday morning. Said, "George, he's so stupid. He's an idiot. He's a terrible. George, come over here." And poor old George had to come over every time. I was just I felt so sorry for him. But you know when she died and I thought that George be free of this monster of a wife always telling him what to do and just criticize him in public in front of everybody that no he told me he misses her so much. He really missed her and it was really weird. Look, you're free now. You don't have to have all this being criticized in public. But he got used to it.
- Calendar method — odd days she is rightJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Marriage-harmony joke: on odd days of the month the wife is always right; on even days the husband is. No need to argue — check the calendar. Fair, fair, as they say in Indonesia.
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I always tell this story when I do weddings, another wedding tomorrow afternoon. There's no way you can convince someone they're wrong, so how can you actually make a decision and actually get on in life but not always having to submit. That really sucks doesn't it? He's always right, why do I always have to agree with him? Why does she always have to be right? So the calendar method, the solution, which allows people to live harmoniously with their partners, the calendar method is that when you have an argument, don't argue who's right and wrong! Let the calendar decide! On the odd days of the month she is right. [laughter] The girl is always right on the odd days of the month. On the even days he is right. So that's fair. Today is the 19th, so today all the girls are right! Yay! Be careful, tomorrow he is right. [laughter] That way you don't have to argue anymore. The calendar decides who's right without any arguments and you can make a decision. It's never that bad if the other person makes a decision, not you, at least it's fair. And people have already figured out, you girls have already figured out, you get more days right a year than he does. Only about four or five, but guys, give it to them, it's worth it. The trouble is, people say, what happens if you're in a gay relationship? [laughter] Then you've got me stumped, it doesn't work. Both of you are right on one day, the next day both of you are wrong
- Chicken or duck?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A newly married couple walking home from the temple hear 'quack quack'. She says, 'Darling, that's a chicken.' He says it's a duck — chickens go cock-a-doodle-doo. They argue…
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It's the great old story of the chicken and the duck. If you haven't heard this story before, this is a doozy, this is a great one. Once upon a time there was this couple who had just been married and after going to the temple for a nice talk, it was a beautiful evening so they went on a walk on the way back home. And as they were walking, they heard a sound quack quack quack and straightaway sort of the girl, the wife said: “darling do you hear that? That's a chicken.” I'm glad you laugh because those people who laugh haven't heard the story before, so at least some of you haven't heard the story. “That's a chicken,” and he said “darling that was not a chicken, that was a duck,” and she said “no no I'm sure it was a chicken.” It went quack quack again; “you see that's a chicken,” and he said “Darling, chickens go cockadoodledoo, that went quack quack that means it's a duck okay.” She said “No, I'm sure that was a chicken”. He said “It was a duck”. She said “No no it was a chicken”. He said “It was a duck, d.u.c.k duck”. And then she started to cry, “But, but he's a chicken”. They went quack quack again. Then he suddenly remembered what he'd heard at this temple many many times. He squeezed her hand and said “I apologize darling, I think you're right, it is a chicken”. And she squeezed his hand back and said “thank you”. And then they carried on their walk in peace and had a wonderful evening together.
- Don't hold back a spooked buffaloAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In 1970s Thai villages the water buffalo were docile family members — until spooked: head up, snorting, then running in any direction. One day a farmer passing the monastery…
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I was writing this story, a couple of days ago, you know water buffalo in thailand? They don't really have that many water buffalo left, because now they've got tractors. But in the old days, this is 40 years ago, when I first became a monk. Now, the water buffalo would be under the house of every villager. It was part of the family and they would use those water buffalo to plough the fields. And their excrement was the fertilizer they used for the fields. It was a very naturally and environmentally friendly way of farming. And those water buffalo was some of the most docile beings you could ever imagine. During the hot days of the hot season, you have seen the little kids falling asleep on the back of these water buffalo while they were grazing. So safe, except a few times a water buffalo got spooked. And I saw that a few times. When a water buffalo got frightened, they'd lift their head up, high. Instead of always being, know, looking at the grass. And they lift their head up high and they'd snored and the next thing they do is run. In any direction. Now, when they started running, they are very, very dangerous. You had to get out of the way. And sometimes people where caught by the water buffalo running, because water buffalo didn't know what they were doing and they were just panicking. And one day this farmer, was taking his water buffalo passed the monastery where we living. And the water buffalo saw something in the forest, which spooked him and was about to run away. Lifted up his head and started snorting. The farmer realized what was gone happen so he actually got hold to the little rope, which was tied loosely about the water buffalos neck to try and restrain it. A stupid thing to do. Cause the water buffalo run of. The string tied itself around the mans finger and took the finger off, with it. And we saw that, because this poor guy came into the monastery with the half of finger with blood all over his hand. And the top of the flesh of the finger would came off. And of course, we took him to the hospital to get patched up. He was fine, it is actually very easy to scratch his head after that. With a stump. You know, it just very painful, very unpleasant to look at, but he was fine. We often use that simile. What a stupid thing it is to try and hold back a water buffalo. Let it go. It is gone be stronger than you. So please let it go, otherwise it takes off your finger, metaphorically. If you just let it go, the water buffalo only goes a little way. And it calms down.
- Everyone has invisible spikesAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Analogy: everyone grows invisible spikes. Some people enter a room and scratch everyone; most have average-length spikes that hurt only up close; a few have almost none — you…
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invisible spikes I forget where I learned this story it's a very beautiful image everyone has got spikes coming out of them invisible spikes some people their spikes are so long and so sharp they come into this room and everyone feels uncomfortable you get scratched you feel real you don't want to be around such people most people have got average leg spikes yeah you can be sitting next to them it's fine but you get too close and you get scratched but most some people have only got small amounts of spikes yeah you know you can be friendly to one another but you get too close and no you get scratched you know even in relationships you know your spikes are very very withdrawn but you get too close and there were some people who've got no spikes at all if you ever meet there wow they're amazing people you feel so safe they will never criticize you or harm you no matter how close or stupid you get
- God didn't recognise himJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man who can't find a partner is told by a psychologist to get a sharp suit, a proper haircut, his teeth straightened and a personality coach. At huge cost he does it all. On…
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This fellow, he could never find a partner, and he went to a psychologist, and a psychologist gave it to him straight and said, “Look at you, you know, number one, "you dress so out of fashion, you are so daggy, the way you dress.” So he said, “If you want to find a partner go to a tailor and get a really sharp suit “or something which is more fashionable. “Look at your hair, your hair is just all over the place, “and it's dirty and greasy too. Get a proper haircut.” "Now, look, teeth, the teeth are all crooked and stinky, “go to a good dentist, and just get your teeth “all straightened up and have some personal hygiene,” “and also, why not see if you could get a personality coach? “You know, to get yourself more charming.” He said, “That costs a huge amount of money,” "But it'd be worth it.” So he decided to follow the therapist’s advice, you know, it took a lot of money getting his teeth all fixed up and straightened, the personality coach to make him more positive and attractive, and, you know, a nice really expensive, you know, haircut, and really fancy clothes, and getting just really all prepared, he went out for the first time, and as he was going into a singles club to meet the love of his life he hoped, he was hit by a truck and killed. (laughter) When he went to heaven he was really upset, he said, “God why did you do that for? “You didn’t even give me a day after all that money and all that pain and stuff “getting myself all attractive.” And God said, “Well I didn't recognise you.”
- Heads I marry himStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At Oslo University a young woman asks how to make a really important decision. To make it concrete, he suggests: suppose you were deciding whether to marry the boy sitting next…
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I was in Oslo University question came really important decision to make in my life how do I make it really important this young woman I shouldn't have done this because I said well let's make it more concrete suppose you were considering marrying the boy sitting next to you and his poor woman she put her hands front of it she went beetle red because that's exactly the decisions he was contemplating I should have done that so I said so easy so you got your boy next to you not sure it's a big decision in life you're gonna marry him or you're not gonna marry him accept the proposal or not so simple get out a coin heads I marry him tell us I don't but that's not the end of it you toss up the coin heads I marry him tells the dough he comes up heads what's your reaction if you think yes that means you really wanted to marry him all along if it comes up heads and see let's try two out of three then that means you don't want to marry him
- I lied about my age — I told her I was 90Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Seventy-year-old marries a young woman; friend asks if he lied about his age — yes: he said he was ninety.
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70 years of age, and he married this very you know, he's quite wealthy, and he married this very, very young woman. And his friend said, "How did you get to marry her? Did you lie about your age?" He said, "Yeah, I lied about my age. I told her I was 90
- I refused my girlfriend's meat curryStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a strict vegetarian layman his girlfriend cooks what she thinks he wants — a meat curry; he refuses; later sees how unkind the refusal was after all her trouble.
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very strict vegetarian when I was before I became a monk and as a monk I was not allowed to choose but when I was a l person I was a very strict vegetarian and my girlfriend invited me out for dinner she was cooking at dinner for me so I went out to sort of have the dinner with her and it was a really like good health food but she'd made a some sort of meat curry you know I refused to eat it and I thought just what a stupid person you are there was your girlfriend and she' gone to all this trouble trying to cook what she thought you wanted and I just refused to eat
- I'm going to marry you — she knew his nameStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a Jhana Grove retreat a couple cannot keep apart despite the eight precepts. They explain: about a year earlier in Germany a woman he had never met walked up, named him, and…
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these two were there and this is supposed to be a meditation retreat. Many of you have done the meditation retreats. not really supposed to hang out, you know, with people of the opposite gender, you know, keep apart, keeping eight precepts, it's called. And this couple were just they couldn't keep their hands off one another. It was going on. And then they came and told me the reason why. And they said just it was about a year earlier. They were I think it was in Germany somewhere that this girl who he now married came up to him he'd never seen her before in this life and said to him just out of the blue your name is I think David I forget his surname and I'm going to marry you and there was how do you know my name and if someone came up to you and said that you know your name is Chiia and I'm going to marry you
- I'm talking to the duckJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Wife calls out whether tonight's dinner should be chicken, lamb or beef. Husband answers 'Chicken, dear.' She replies she wasn't talking to him — she was talking to the duck.
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there was a little joke which I heard about this somebody told the other day about sort of the wife, you know, shouted out, "Oh, what do you want uh for dinner this evening? Chicken, lamb, or beef?" And the husband said, "Chicken, dear." And the wife said, "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the duck." Which I think is uh typical of our modern world.
- Keep the cage door openAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Analogy: lock a bird and when the door finally opens it never returns; leave the door open and comfort inside — it flies and comes back. Power vs freedom in relationships.
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bird in a cage if I were a bird in a cage sooner or later if you keep locking the door and they can't get out sooner or later there's probability eventually that door be left open and that bird will fly away never to come back again alas it's got its freedom that's what happens when you keep a bird in a cage instead if you keep a bird in the cage door is left open bliss a nice cage nice food very comfortable and if the bird does fly away it always come back again
- Looking for the perfect partnerStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A rich, gorgeous, double-first graduate decides he's so perfect he must marry the most perfect girl. In Sydney he finds a magazine-cover beauty, but she can't cook. In Melbourne…
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there's a person over in sort of Australia over in Sydney and this guy he was you know very very wealthy he inherited a lot of money from his grandfather and he was about 6' three blue-eyed really strong great pecs he was actually dropped dead gorgeous and he thought you know he had a a double first from from Cambridge and he thought look so what a great guy I am I'm absolutely perfect Rich goodlooking well educated cultured he said I'm So Perfect now I'm going to choose the most perfect girl in the world you know to marry and I'm not going to I'm not going to choose settle for second breath she has to be really perfect so I went over to Sydney and found this really really gorgeous girl you now the sort of girl you see in the front cover of magazines and he went out with her for a while but just she wasn't perfect enough for him cuz he found out she couldn't cook she was hopeless and so she said no no I want someone who's beautiful and can cook so he went down to Melbourne and he met this girl she was even more beautiful than a girl in Sydney and this girl owned her own restaurant she was a perfect cook so you thought wow this is perfect girl for me but after going out with her for a few weeks know he dumped her too cuz she was stupid you know know he had to double first from Oxford he tried to relate to her and she didn't know anything so she wasn't perfect enough and so where did he come next to Perth and there he found the most beautiful girl in the whole world oh she was really really gorgeous she was like Heavenly it's like an angel and she owned five restaurants and her cookie just would just make just make sort of all these celebrity chef STW they were nowhere near as good as this cook and she was so intelligent she had a double first not only from Cambridge but from Harvard and Oxford and Y and everywhere and from uwa she was so intelligent she was the most perfect girl but he couldn't marry her either you know why because she was looking for the perfect guy
- Married 25 years and strangers on holidayStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After about 25 years of marriage, when the last child leaves home, a couple take their first holiday alone together. One says afterwards it was a shock: “I didn't realise whom I…
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somebody, actually it's a person who is a old fellow member here, they told me that I think they had been married for about 25 years and the last of their children got married, so left home And there they were together, so went on a holiday together. First time they could go just the two of them and they came back afterwards and one of the partners said it was such a shock such a shock, I didn't realize whom I was married to all these years. Because for all those years they have been relating to each other as father and mother of their kids. Now their kids were out of the equation, the whole relationship, the whole identity changed. They had to rediscover each other again. It is amazing they had been married for so many years and they said they didn't know each other.
- My soulmate is out there somewhereStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A woman around sixty kept coming to say she knew her soulmate was waiting somewhere; he kept saying he isn't — she insisted she just hadn't found him yet. He calls the visits a…
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there was a woman who used to come and see me years ago and they're just awake now I shouldn't say a waste of time but it was a waste of time it's my reality and she said I know I know he's out there somewhere I know my soul mate the one meant for me she's about 60 I think at the time still unfounded and I just kept on saying you know he's not there no I know he says somewhere waiting for me somewhere I just haven't found him yet
- Nandivisāla the oxStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A poor farmer, cheated year after year by the village merchant, sits depressed under a tree when his ox, Nandivisāla, nuzzles him with a plan: bet the merchant $10,000 that he…
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a story I hadn't told for years it's a very beautiful story of nandi we saddle the Ox this comes from one of the Buddha's Jataka tales there's lots of stories which the Buddha told know centuries ago some of them are quite boring but some of them had just have a beautiful meaning behind them and this was one of my favorite stories in that collection dandy we silo the Ox there was a very very poor farmer this was set in India so it's all about farmers is a very very poor farmer he had an ox called nan de Sala and he worked so hard trying to make ends meet but being a farmer you know sometimes that the rain ever came sometimes that you know that sir the seed wasn't good enough and more often than not when he did have a good harvest the local merchants in a village just ripped him off you know that's what the merchants were in those days looking after their own profits and just exploiting the people actually supplied the goods of poor farmers so dis after another sort of very difficult year the farmer was quite depressed it is so hard just working his back off trying to make ends meet for his family so he's sitting under a tree becoming depressed and he felt a wet nose on his face there was his ox and his ox said master I can help you what and helps can speak in those days ox is could speak just like in Walt Disney so the RCI can speak now look I've been serving you for such a long time pulling the plow for you and I'm getting tired too and I don't want to spend the rest of my life you know putting the plow to make ends meet I want to sort of retire too and I've got a plan and a plan is this you know I'm a very very strong ox I what I want you to do is that merchant who's been ripping you off for years I want you to go to that merchant and bet him $10,000 $10,000 that not that you're Arc's that's me Andy Masada can pull 100 ox carts all tie together and all full of stones rocks and the farmer said look you can't do that said yes I can and I'm a very very strong I know what I can do now you go and bet $10,000 and if I'm said but I haven't got $10,000 you don't need $10,000 you're going to win it so the farmer he went to that merchant and said I bet you $10,000 the my ox can pull a 100 carts tied together all full of rocks and I Mirta said I don't be stupid no oz can do that my else can $10,000 and the Merton says this these farms are so stupid it's just easy money I know he hasn't got $10,000 but I can these take his land and that's worth quite a bit so he said okay deal and because they needed 100 carts they had to borrow cars from everybody in the village so everybody was out watching to see whether this ox could be so strong and support 100 cars full of stones and once they tired all those carts together and they loaded and full of stones and rocks they tired the big ox to the front cut and the farmer went up there and said right pull those carts and the Ox didn't move kanya stupid ox pull those carts and the ox was stationary he got up a stick and he hit that ox come on pull those carts I'm going to lose everything and the ops couldn't do it everybody started to laugh the farmer started to cry no one could pull such a heavy weight so the farmer was devastated totally destroyed lost everything he sat under the tree and started to weep a few minutes later he felt the wet-nosed in his face why you crying said 90 whistle of the ox because of you you said you could pour 100 carts and you can't OSA 10 no you can't I can then why didn't you because master you shouted at me and then you call me stupid and then you hit me that's no way to treat a friend doesn't matter said the Ox I've got a plan you go back to that virgin and you bet him twenty thousand dollars but I'm nan de Sala can pour those cuts but this time treat me kindly and the father was smart enough to understand so he went back to that merchant I said I bet you twenty thousand and nobody said that's a very stupid farm okay the cars are still there twenty thousand done and they tired the Ox to the first cards and anybody was out watching this stupid farmer and then this time he said dear ox kind ox now if it's not too much trouble for you would you mind just try to pull those little carts a little bit but if it's too much don't bother and then that ox strain every muscle his eyes were like bulging out he pulled and he struggled you know what happened nothing it was too heavy el oscar pull that much so the father said oh look don't worry about it you know just stop here and then the ox tried even harder he pulled and he struggled until the sweat was coming out he know what happened nothing and the the farmer said look stop it you're going to kill yourself it doesn't matter if we're destitute and poor we've got each other and we love each other as well Auguste leave it alone don't try to I don't want to hurt you and because the farmer loved that looked so much that ox pulled every muscle not just in his body but also in his heart and he pulled like no other ox has ever pulled because of the love his master showed him you know what happened Greek when the first excellent and once the first actual moves once he gets started once the friction lessons and all the other cart started to move until in a very short time the first the last cut stood where the first cut had one stood the man one whose bet he had $10,000 which was enough for him and the ox to retire and live happily
- Perfect partner? Get a TV — or a dogJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Advice: want someone always there, listening, entertaining, quiet on demand — get a TV; always happy to see you — get a dog; don't expect a human to be that hospital-perfect.
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perfect partner then just what one person told me years ago if you want a real perfect partner somebody who's always there for you you can always listen to you or sometimes speak to you as always can entertain you there can be quiet when you want them to be quiet then get a TV well if you want someone who's just always happy to see you then get a dog
- “Put your hand down, Ajahn Brahm!”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Singapore talk full of young singles too shy to ask each other out, the MC asks everyone who is single and available to put their hand up. Being an honest monk, Ajahn Brahm…
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I was giving this talk over in Singapore. And there's many people in Singapore, and there's lots of young people at my talks. Lots of people were single. And lots of boys, lots of girls, they'd love to have a partner, but they're too scared to invite people. So we decided to just ‘let's see who's single, who's married, who's what’? So the MC said ‘please, put your hand up, uh, if you're available’ [laughter] ‘If you're single’. And of course, I’m an honest monk, I said ‘well I’m single’. [laughter] And then ‘put your hand down Ajahn Brahm, put your hand down!
- The emperor's three questionsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm summarises the short story (by Tolstoy) that changed his life: an emperor, fed up with organised religion, decides he needs only the answers to three questions — When…
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There was an emperor who was fed up with organised religions, none of it made sense to him. And all the people teaching those religions were so hypocritical. They told him to do things they didn't do themselves. So he rejected organised religions. And being an emperor, he thought "Why don't I find my own religion?" So, he got the wise people, the impressive people, he talked with them, investigated, and he finally came down to his three questions, thinking, "If only I could find the answer to these three questions, I'd have all the religion and spirituality which I needed in my life." And the three questions were, "When is the most important time? Who is the most important person? And the what is the most important thing to do?" The when, the who, the what. Now I know that many of you have heard this story before, but there are many people who haven't heard this story before. And those who haven't heard this story before, I want you to think about those three questions and what you think the answers are. If you've heard the story before, please don't spoil my fun, be quiet. Because there's a point to this. So, those were the emperor's three questions. He eventually found the answers in an unexpected source. But what are the answers? When is the most important time? Christmas time? Vesak? Friday evening when you finish work? When is the most important time? Come on. "Now". Correct, exactly. It's the most important time. So when should you say "sorry"? "Now" so turn around and say sorry to your partner for what you've done. When is the most important time to say you love your parents? Now. Please don't wait till tomorrow or this evening. Because you know, what happens? So often it happens the moment passes, you don't have that opportunity, to say how much you care for someone. You find they're dead, or they've gone overseas. Now you may think that's, such a simple and obvious answer. But if you practise that, if you take that on as one of the most important parts of your life, that 'now' really is the most important time. It really is; You'll find that your relationship to others, your relationship to life will totally change. For many people, "now" is not the most important time. We sacrifice too many moments of "now"; getting things out of the way, and then I'll be happy. For many people, "now" is not really important. That's why we get so old and all the things we should have done, we find we haven't done. Now is the most important time But the second question is the best. Who is the most important person? Yeah, can I hear you? Ah you are spoiling it. You've read it before. Most people when I say this, if they haven't heard it before, they all say "themselves", which is a wrong answer. We are in a such a self-centred society. We always think that I am the most important person in the world, which is totally wrong. And the answer, that's what I thought, first of all, because that's what I've been taught, come on, you are important. You make sure, that you get what you want. Your relationship, what satisfies you, your job which you really want What you really deserve in life. You go for it, you go and get it, you're really important. But the answer someone suggested was 'the person you're with'. The one in front of you is the most important person in the world. As soon as I heard that, this is what I mean by wisdom. You understand it. Why didn't I see that before? It is important. So whoever is in front of you, they are the most important person in the world. Give them that importance. And of course, as soon as I point that out, you know what I'm talking about, because how many times have you been talking with your partner and they've been ignoring you. They're not giving you a sense of importance. They are trying to get rid of you. I remember just when I was a student, when I read this story for the first time, Sometimes at the end of a lecture, I got up to the lecturer to ask a question. He wasn't listening to me; he was just trying to get rid of me. I was a small, hairy, insignificant student. He had better things to do. And that was a terrible feeling. That you're asking a question, and the other person was just trying to get rid of you. You weren't important to them. And if that happens to you too many times, you lose all your self-esteem, you get depressed. And you don't need to do that. So ever since I read that, and when I become a monk, one of the core practices, which I really try hard to live by, is even though I may be really tired, and you come up after the talk, and you want to ask a question, you are really important to me. I don't try and get rid of you, even if I'm really tired, because I try and practice; if you're right in front of me and I'm talking to you, you are the most important person in the world. And it's important for that. And there are many times in your life, you're by yourself. And of course, then, who you're with? You're with yourself. And then you're really important. So important that I said here before, whenever I go to bed at night, the last person I say goodnight to is myself. And I say that, "Good night me. Have a great night. See you in the morning." When I wake up in the morning, "Hi, good morning, here I am again. Have a great day me." That's no joke, I do that. I'm not crazy. And that actually is just showing that I'm important to me. Instead of just "No, you're not really important. So just sacrifice yourself, for the company, for your partner, for your kids, for other people." No, don't do that. So when you're by yourself, you are the most important person in the world. When you're with somebody, they're the most important person. And the last question, "What's the most important thing to do?" It's a obvious Buddhist answer, 'is to care', to care for yourself, to care for others.
- The glass is already crackedAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Chah's simile, holding up a glass: it has a microscopic crack — the crack of impermanence. Because it will break if dropped or kicked, we care for it; if it were…
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This was a simile I just, I don't know, I give this every other week. The glass is cracked. Can you see the crack in the glass? I gave this at a funeral recently. Can you see the crack in the glass in the front? Because the crack is microscopic, that's why you can't see it. But it's there, this actually came from Ajahn Chah, this story. The crack is there because if I drop this or someone else kicks it, it will break. It's the crack of impermanence, anicca. I know this won't last. Because this won't last, because it's impermanent, that's why I care for it. I can't kick it or mistreat it, it will break. But if this was plastic, if it was unbreakable, permanent, I wouldn't need to care for it. I could kick it, drop it, squash it and it would just rebound again, being unbreakable. It's because it's breakable, that's why we care. Because relationships won't last. They're cracked from the very beginning, that's why we care for them. Always looking after them, just like we look after this cup or this glass, because we know it's fragile. Your body is fragile, it's cracked. One day it will break, you will die, that's why we care for it. So the idea of marriage, divorce, being karmic, it's because we never realise that match is cracked, we should have taken better care of it.
- The man who shouted at the traffic lightsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: On a hot day on Leach Highway, Ajahn Brahm sits in the passenger seat with the window open. A foot away, the driver in the next lane, caught at the red light, rages at it: “You…
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Just that man, actually it was in Leach Highway, on a hot day, many years ago. Pulled up at this, I think it was 3 lanes going in either direction. Pulled up at the red traffic lights, and because I was at the passenger seat, my window was open. Right next to me, maybe a foot away was the driver. His window was open as well. He got caught at the red light and he was raging at the traffic lights. Saying "You stupid damn lights!" Why did you have to change now? I was late! This is not the first time you've done this, you did it last time!
- The senior monk who pretended to be angryStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A nun in the Thai monastery grows skin-and-bones thin, insisting fasting helps her meditation; the monks can't get through. A very kind senior monk visiting from England shouts…
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I remember once there was a nun in our monastery in Thailand. Years and years ago. She had looked like a psychological problem. She was getting anorexic. Thinner and thinner and thinner, we were just really concerned about her. And whatever we said, she said no, she was fasting because it was good for her meditation. Or she felt healthy. But to look at her, she was skin and bones. Of course we were responsible if, you know I don't have that problem obviously, but if any monk had a problem like that I'd be responsible for them, I'd have to do something to make sure they're okay. But whatever we did as monks, she just would not listen. A senior monk come over from England and we said to him, 'Look, we haven't been able to do anything. [coughs] Can you help?' So he brought the nun to her and this was a very great monk, and he was such a kind monk and he looked at her and he started shouting at her and scolding her and I thought, 'My goodness, this monk, who I really respected, is getting angry.' And I'd never seen him angry like that, ever. I thought, 'what's going on?' He was shouting and scolding her and all sorts of stuff. And then afterwards she went away. And just as soon as she went away that's when he changed his demeanour and he smiled and said, 'That told her, didn't it?' [laughter] He was acting it out. And so I was actually quite relieved. The monk hadn't gotten angry. He was actually a good actor. He actually tried to use that as a skillful means. It really was out of compassion. But it didn't work. Even if you try, you just, and this was a very good monk. He had enough mindfulness and control when he played at being angry he didn't become angry. He could do it. But still it never worked.
- The two sisters: one with a husband, one withoutStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Two Thai sisters come for counselling. The elder can't stand her Australian husband and is considering divorce ('recycling'); the younger desperately wants a partner. Ajahn Brahm…
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These two Thai sisters came one day to see me. Oh, I'll never forget this. They still come to feed us every now and again, but they wanted personal counseling. And so I talked to them and the elder sister first. And the elder sister said to me, he said, "Oh, you know, I've got a husband, a Western husband, Australian guy." He said, "I can't stand him." There's so much suffering and and now I'm just really wondering should I keep working on this? Is it really salvageable or should I sort of get divorced and try again? And you all know again I don't call it divorce anymore. I sped this word around in Singapore. They really liked it. We don't call it divorce. What do we call it in Buddhism? Recycling. Yes. It's a much much more positive word. So, and she was thinking of getting divorced. And so, I gave her some nice ideas about how to solve the problems in a marriage because it's not that hard to solve problems in marriage. Even as a monk, I can do that. Like, oh, this great story which just comes to my mind. Some of these are golden oldies, but you know, they're just great stories about this because actually the lady who told me this, you know, I was uh had lunch with her yesterday in Singapore. She told me that she was a bit of a marriage counselor in her early years and she had one client who came to her Singapore lady. She couldn't stand her husband because her husband was coming home very late at night. She was certain that he had a mistress. And so she told the marriage counselor, you know, actually I don't really need counseling. I just want to get rid of the guy. I want to divorce. I want to separate. Just help me get rid of him. And a marriage counselor was a very very smart girl. She said, "Look, if you divorce him now, do you think he will be happy or he'll be miserable?" And she thought about actually it's what he wants. He'd be really happy. And in your present state, do you want him to be happy? No, I want him to be miserable. So this is the plan. Don't get divorced yet when he, you know, doesn't like you. Go out and get a really good hairstyle. Go and get your face, you know, made up. Go and learn a bit more grooming. Go and get some sexy clothes. And when he comes home, just being really nice to him. Just cuddle him and see what happens. because you fell in love once, see if you can make him fall in love with you again. And when he does fall in love with you again, then divorce him. Yeah. Yeah. What a great idea. So that's what they did. She spent a lot of money just getting sort of uh uh face done up and nice hairstyle and what they call it, a makeover. A nice makeover. So she really looked much more attractive and every week go and see the marriage counselor. He started coming home earlier and earlier and earlier. He started becoming more affectionate towards her and they'd always ask how's it going? Yeah, he's you know he's becoming much more affectionate. It's really seems to be working. He's falling in love with me again. And then she missed an appointment. And so the the counselor called her up at home said, "You missed an appointment this week. What happened?" He said, "Oh, well, he's having such a lot of time. He's fallen in love with me. I'm sure of it." "Great," said the counselor. "Now's the time to divorce him." "Oh, no. We're so much in love now." Mission accomplished. Cuz all it is that sometimes is we have a little bit of problems in life, but there's always ways we can work it out. They fall in love with you once, why not try and fall in love again? Now do something like romantic. No, don't come. Honestly, don't come to the Buddhist society if you want to have a nice romance. You know, we're going to get soon another couple of months Valentine's Day. Go and get her a present. Like that one of my favorite jokes like the person who asked his his wife, he said, "Valentine's Day tomorrow, darling, what do you want?" And she said, "I need nothing. I've got you." He said, "Yes, but what do you want?" He'd been married long enough to know women. And so she looked at him and said, "Something, anything with diamonds in." So when she opened her present the following day, she found a pack of playing cards. It has 13 diamonds in it. So that's what you guys you can get for your your wife's Christmas present. A pack of play cards. Diamonds, darling. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Anyway, back to reality. So I told this lady, you've got husband suffering. That's what it's like having a husband. you ask other women and it's just it's a difficulty having a relationship. It's not easy but you know you can work at it and make it work. And the junior sister, this the younger one of course her problem was she was looking for a partner in life like many people do. They can't find one. You know they find someone who's just almost okay but then it just all goes pear-shaped. It doesn't work. And people keep telling me actually see all these girls coming up here say I just really need a partner in life. I'm looking for someone to go out with and share my life with someone I can trust. And see all these nice guys come up. I'm looking for a girl. I really should start a dating agency cuz I've got all these potential clients and they're all really nice people. I can't understand it cuz I've known some of these people for such a long time. Why can't you get on together? You I get on with you. Really nice people, really good people. But anyway, this is coming in in a few moments. But I told this lady said, "You you are looking for a husband, somebody you can share your life with. And your elder sister has got a husband she doesn't want. I can see a solution." And I actually said that they got very upset at me. I don't know why. It's logic. It's reason. Your sister's got a husband she doesn't want. a younger sisters and I wants one share. Isn't that what brothers and sisters are supposed to do? But then I told her, okay, you've got, you know, a single woman suffering. And I said, if you find a partner in life, you'll have what your elder sister have, married woman suffering. And so they actually understood that. They said, "Yeah, you're right. And if you're married, you have married woman suffering. If you're single, you have single woman suffering." So they thought they'd become nuns. And I said, "If you become nuns, then you have none suffering. Go and ask the nuns at Gijigan.
- Training dolphins, training husbandsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: From a psychology magazine: a PhD student studying how marine parks train dolphins — throw a fish whenever it jumps an inch higher, never punish — realises the same method works…
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the story of that woman I read in the psychology magazine who was doing a PhD and psychology and her subject was how they train dolphins in these Marine Parks you know to play water poloo to jump through these hoops and she found out that the way they do this is if that dolphin jumps an inch higher you throw the dolphin a fish positive reinforcement if it doesn't jump you don't hit it you don't get angry at the Dolphin you just wait until it jumps 2 in and then it gets another fish so every time it gets incrementally closer to what you want that dolphin to do that's when you throw another fish to the dolphin incremental positive reinforcement now this woman I I really kicked myself for not keeping that article because that this was one wise woman she went to her supervisor at University and got permission to change her thesis because she realized she had this wonderful Insight the very same technique which they used to teach Dolphins at these Marine Parks could be used on her husband so she got permission from her supervisor to change the thesis instead of how to train dolphins how to train husbands it's a brilliant piece of advice and it's practical too how do you do this it's Works them as how you train train wives or how do you train girlfriends or Partners or people in your office whenever they do something wrong they irritate you ignore it don't do anything but when they do something you like which is not irritating that's when you throw them a fish metaphorically that is in other words you give them some sort of positive feedback and of course that actually works and in her article the one part I remember she said one of the most irritating parts of you know her of her relationship with her husband and many of you may be able to relate to this in the morning when they were both getting ready to go to work he could never find his tie and he know wife was know trying to get ready to go to work too and she has to dress up much more than a guy does and she you know darling have you seen my tie can you help me find my tie it's only a small thing like that but you know that every morning that really irritates you you're trying to get ready and here's this stupid guy and he can't even remember where he put his own clothes and she would always get very angry and irritated at him for this and so she tried the throwing the fish method so when he couldn't find his tie where's my tie D could you help me find my tie he would ignore it she would ignore it she wouldn't get irritated she wouldn't complain she would just totally ignore it and go around her task and of course eventually he'd find his tie himself and that's when she would stop what she was doing and give him a big hug and kiss oh well done darling that was throwing the fish and you may laugh but this was very very effective in a couple of months she said he never asked me now he just finds his own stuff and now I'm free in the morning to do what I like to do instead of of helping this guy
- What boys and girls really wantStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a big youth conference in Kuala Lumpur, Ajahn Brahm splits the teenagers by sex. He asks the girls what makes a boy attractive: not strength or showing off, but someone they…
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I've talked to youth groups you know young people 14 I the last time was over in quala had this big youth conference and I was talking to the boys and the girls I I separated them out first of all because it's a waste of time talking religion because what boys and girls are interested in is each other so I talked to the boys first of all I said what do you want in a girl girlfriend what would you like in a girlfriend and all the boys suddenly started paying attention you know this is something they don't teach in school and this is something the boys really wanted to know I know when I grew up no one told me you had to try and figure it out for yourself you used to ask other boys and what did they know about what girls want so I asked the girls what do you like in a boy what would make a boy really attractive and they talked with each other and they came to the conclusion it they didn't have to be strong and mash show and show off they wanted boys they could trust they were well groomed not dirty wanted you know people who would make them happy were fun to be with they didn't have to be strong and big it was like trust caring reliable fun to be with that was high on the list of what these girls told me they wanted in a boyfriend he asked the boys what you want in a girl do they have to be drop dead gorgeous well it helps I'm a boy but it's not that important what the boys wanted and they said this we wanted someone we can trust someone who will care for us someone who's fun to be with it's amazing it's exactly the same thing you want someone who you can be with trusting care he in you can relate with and have fun together with they were the highest priority
- Whisper when close, shout when distantAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A monk in Indonesia offers a simile: lovers whisper 'I love you'; when upset people shout 'you stupid old cow' — because closeness needs only a whisper, emotional distance needs…
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when people are in love they whisper to each other I love you darling they use Whispers when you're in love but when you're upset you shout you stupid old cow you idiot man why it's because when you're close to someone you only need to whisper but when you're distant from each other that's when you shout I thought what a wonderful simile that is when you're close you don't need to shout you just whisper for when you're distant I don't mean physically distant but emotionally distant from the person you live with that is when you shout and that's the way to stop the shouting close the distance between you and your partner between you and your kids between you and your enemy close that distance and you don't need to shout anymore