Being Mindful Stories

Story · Ajahn Brahm

What boys and girls really want

As told by Ajahn Brahm in Wanting For Nothing | by Ajahn Brahm | 02-10-2012

2 min read

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

I've talked to youth groups you know young people 14 I the last time was over in quala had this big youth conference and I was talking to the boys and the girls I I separated them out first of all because it's a waste of time talking religion because what boys and girls are interested in is each other so I talked to the boys first of all I said what do you want in a girl girlfriend what would you like in a girlfriend and all the boys suddenly started paying attention you know this is something they don't teach in school and this is something the boys really wanted to know I know when I grew up no one told me you had to try and figure it out for yourself you used to ask other boys and what did they know about what girls want so I asked the girls what do you like in a boy what would make a boy really attractive and they talked with each other and they came to the conclusion it they didn't have to be strong and mash show and show off they wanted boys they could trust they were well groomed not dirty wanted you know people who would make them happy were fun to be with they didn't have to be strong and big it was like trust caring reliable fun to be with that was high on the list of what these girls told me they wanted in a boyfriend he asked the boys what you want in a girl do they have to be drop dead gorgeous well it helps I'm a boy but it's not that important what the boys wanted and they said this we wanted someone we can trust someone who will care for us someone who's fun to be with it's amazing it's exactly the same thing you want someone who you can be with trusting care he in you can relate with and have fun together with they were the highest priority

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 19:27 (to 21:38)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

Asked what they wanted in a partner, teenage girls and boys in Kuala Lumpur gave the same answers: someone to trust, who cares, and is fun to be with. Not looks, not money. Imagine the expensive clothes and makeovers we could skip. Be trustworthy, kind and good company; that's what people really want.

In brief (our summary)

At a big youth conference in Kuala Lumpur, Ajahn Brahm splits the teenagers by sex. He asks the girls what makes a boy attractive: not strength or showing off, but someone they can trust, well groomed, caring, reliable, fun to be with. He asks the boys what they want in a girl: looks help, but what matters is someone they can trust, who cares for them and is fun to be with. Both lists are the same.

Teaching point

What we really want in a partner is trust, care and fun — not the looks or wealth we crave and spend on.

When this story may help

  • dating
  • teenagers
  • choosing a partner

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in Wanting For Nothing | by Ajahn Brahm | 02-10-2012 · 2012-11-06 · ▶ watch from 19:27 to 21:38 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

3 other tellings of this story

Caption notes: YouTube auto-captions: unpunctuated, words left exactly as captioned. 'quala' = Kuala Lumpur; 'mash show' = macho.

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

  • Looking for the perfect partner

    In brief: A rich, gorgeous, double-first graduate decides he's so perfect he must marry the most perfect girl. In Sydney he finds a magazine-cover…

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    there's a person over in sort of Australia over in Sydney and this guy he was you know very very wealthy he inherited a lot of money from his grandfather and he was about 6' three blue-eyed really strong great pecs he was actually dropped dead gorgeous and he thought you know he had a a double first from from Cambridge and he thought look so what a great guy I am I'm absolutely perfect Rich goodlooking well educated cultured he said I'm So Perfect now I'm going to choose the most perfect girl in the world you know to marry and I'm not going to I'm not going to choose settle for second breath she has to be really perfect so I went over to Sydney and found this really really gorgeous girl you now the sort of girl you see in the front cover of magazines and he went out with her for a while but just she wasn't perfect enough for him cuz he found out she couldn't cook she was hopeless and so she said no no I want someone who's beautiful and can cook so he went down to Melbourne and he met this girl she was even more beautiful than a girl in Sydney and this girl owned her own restaurant she was a perfect cook so you thought wow this is perfect girl for me but after going out with her for a few weeks know he dumped her too cuz she was stupid you know know he had to double first from Oxford he tried to relate to her and she didn't know anything so she wasn't perfect enough and so where did he come next to Perth and there he found the most beautiful girl in the whole world oh she was really really gorgeous she was like Heavenly it's like an angel and she owned five restaurants and her cookie just would just make just make sort of all these celebrity chef STW they were nowhere near as good as this cook and she was so intelligent she had a double first not only from Cambridge but from Harvard and Oxford and Y and everywhere and from uwa she was so intelligent she was the most perfect girl but he couldn't marry her either you know why because she was looking for the perfect guy

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  • “Put your hand down, Ajahn Brahm!”

    In brief: At a Singapore talk full of young singles too shy to ask each other out, the MC asks everyone who is single and available to put their…

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    I was giving this talk over in Singapore. And there's many people in Singapore, and there's lots of young people at my talks. Lots of people were single. And lots of boys, lots of girls, they'd love to have a partner, but they're too scared to invite people. So we decided to just ‘let's see who's single, who's married, who's what’? So the MC said ‘please, put your hand up, uh, if you're available’ [laughter] ‘If you're single’. And of course, I’m an honest monk, I said ‘well I’m single’. [laughter] And then ‘put your hand down Ajahn Brahm, put your hand down!

    Open story page·Watch this telling

  • 'I would'

    In brief: Asked in Q&A what he's been most afraid of: at a friend's wedding reception while at Cambridge, the 19- or 20-year-old lads joke about…

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    I was still a lay person at the time. I think some of you heard the story before that uh still yeah still at uh college at Cambridge and still just uh you know messing around in the world but you know just I was pretty much committed to being a Buddhist and maybe in the future being a monk. And then it was one of my friends was getting married. So, you know, we just all went to the the marriage and after the marriage ceremony, we're at the reception just all dressed in nice actually dressed in nice suits. Actually did wear a suit. I think I only wor once or twice anyway. I was not really into suits, but anyway, that uh and they were just, you know, messing around about 19 or 20 year olds. And then somebody asked who's going to be next and then we just pointed to one of my friends still a I know him really well. His name is Jeff. Jeff Perry his name was. If he's listened to this I'm sorry but this happened. He's a good mate. And so they said oh Jeff he'll probably be next. And then know all the the guys said ah no one will marry him. Yeah it's guys being guys. Okay. And just and then they pointed at me. You know, my lane name was Peter. Said, "Oh, Peter, he'll probably be next." And I got the same response. I know I would marry that man, Peter. But you know what happened next? There was this little girl, you know, she was standing right next to me and she whispered into my ear, I would. And I think that's the most scary moment in my life so far. I was terrified. I moved far away as possible and made sure for the rest of the night the next week I wasn't close to her. I don't know. It was really unfair. But, you know, I was only 19y old, 20-y old kid, you know, young man growing up. But that really terrified me. So, I think that was the most scared I've ever been.

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  • God didn't recognise him

    In brief: A man who can't find a partner is told by a psychologist to get a sharp suit, a proper haircut, his teeth straightened and a personality…

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    This fellow, he could never find a partner, and he went to a psychologist, and a psychologist gave it to him straight and said, “Look at you, you know, number one, "you dress so out of fashion, you are so daggy, the way you dress.” So he said, “If you want to find a partner go to a tailor and get a really sharp suit “or something which is more fashionable. “Look at your hair, your hair is just all over the place, “and it's dirty and greasy too. Get a proper haircut.” "Now, look, teeth, the teeth are all crooked and stinky, “go to a good dentist, and just get your teeth “all straightened up and have some personal hygiene,” “and also, why not see if you could get a personality coach? “You know, to get yourself more charming.” He said, “That costs a huge amount of money,” "But it'd be worth it.” So he decided to follow the therapist’s advice, you know, it took a lot of money getting his teeth all fixed up and straightened, the personality coach to make him more positive and attractive, and, you know, a nice really expensive, you know, haircut, and really fancy clothes, and getting just really all prepared, he went out for the first time, and as he was going into a singles club to meet the love of his life he hoped, he was hit by a truck and killed. (laughter) When he went to heaven he was really upset, he said, “God why did you do that for? “You didn’t even give me a day after all that money and all that pain and stuff “getting myself all attractive.” And God said, “Well I didn't recognise you.”

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