Stories about grief
34 Buddhist wisdom stories about grief from Buddhist teachers, each linked to the original talk.
- Be quiet — children learning sadness at funeralsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At funeral services Ajahn Brahm has watched lively children run, play and laugh until adults snap 'be quiet, shut up'; the children's faces show confusion, then they become quiet…
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I've just noticed sometimes that when little children come into the service they're just full of energy and full of life they run around they play they joke and they laugh and I've seen the adults say be quiet shut up and I've seen those little children just their face show confusion and then be quiet and be sad because they're taught that that's what you have to do when you go to a funeral ceremony I've seen for so many years now how we condition our children to be sad when somebody dies and it's not natural it's imposed upon us
- Carrying coffins of dead momentsAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He compares obsessing over the past to carrying coffins of dead moments: cultures bury or cremate the dead and walk on — do the same with past memories, good or bad, so the…
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Sometimes that I used to call the past by carrying so many coffins of dead moments from the past. One of the nice things about our culture, in all cultures, all traditions is that once a person dies they're buried or cremated, their bodies disposed of, we remember them, but we don't obsess with them, we walk on, we go forward. We never sort of linger too long in the past and that's the same with any past memories you have, good or bad, we try and let them go as fast as we possibly can
- Charlie's mark on the heelStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A healthy Thai woman's first baby, Charlie, is stillborn after turning in the womb days before birth. Ajahn Brahm conducts the funeral; little Charlie is dressed and photographed…
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the story of a Thai couple who come here - just making sure they're not here, they may be embarrassed if I tell you this; but no, they're not here. When this lady - years ago now - when she got pregnant (this was a normal pregnancy), and just five days before birth she had an ultrasound. And when the birth happened - stillborn. A tragedy. Because they had everything expected for a baby, and they were just so excited, the first kid they were gonna have. And apparently, the doctors found out it actually turned in the womb and it cut off the blood supply in the umbilical cord. And she didn't know that, five days before - ultrasound - everything was going perfectly, and stillborn. So I did the funeral for them, just up the road here. And I always remember that funeral, because the baby was fully formed. They gave it a name, Charlie. I better not say too much. Charlie was his name, and they dressed it up, and they had the family photograph. And I was in the family photograph, and Charlie was as well. I was almost like honoured to be included in that family photograph, at the birth of Charlie who died at birth. But then, what I didn't see them doing - I know it's common in Thailand to do this, but what I didn't see - they took a pen, a biro pen, when no one was watching, and on the heel of Charlie, they drew a line. With a ballpoint pen. Just a line. And then of course, the baby was cremated. She was a healthy woman. So, few months later, she became pregnant again. When she became pregnant again, this time the doctors really gave her a VIP treatment, because they didn't want a tragedy to happen again. She's a healthy woman, she gave birth - this time - to a girl. And that girl has a birthmark on its heel, a line - exactly where they'd written the line on there. And they all knew Charlie came back. Didn't quite make it the first time, but had another go. Next time, got through. And they told me that story. And of course, you probably would be interested, how did the new kid turn out. First of all, it was a girl, and it was called Annie. And I was watching it - used to be like many kids, they play here, running around there, the kids are offering food to the monks or the nuns, and the kid is running around all over the place. But this Annie would always run with the boys and would beat up the girls. It was really a tomboy, little Annie. And of course, you understand why. She was a boy before. But anyway. That was a wonderful story, that when people have these emotional problems - just give a bigger picture. The kid didn't get there the first time, well have another go. And - a lot of times I’ve seen this - they don't make it the first time, they get an upgrade. [laughter] Become a girl. Is that an upgrade? [chuckles] But anyway. That was the story of Charlie and Annie.
- “Don't you ever take away my suffering”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a grief and loss seminar at Observation City, Ajahn Brahm teaches his 'concert' way of letting go of grief: his father's 16 years with him were like a beautiful concert — be…
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when I went to a pain and loss conference many years ago, and there was a person, they were very…, her daughter was one of the, the victims of the Claremont killer. Anyway, after I gave her some really nice advice about how to let go of her pains, she came up to me, and she, nose to nose almost, she was so angry, she said, “How dare you try to take away my grief??”
- Funeral for the first wife years laterStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a ceremony Ajahn Brahm learns the man's first wife died of malaria just after they escaped the Khmer Rouge into Thailand; as a destitute refugee he could not mourn her…
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Found out afterwards the story was that that was his first wife who he met in the villages. And during the time of the Khmer Rouge, that they were treated badly. And he escaped with his wife. He was one of the few people who managed to find his way over the border into what you thought would be safety in Thailand. But on that journey, you know, which people see in those movies, Killing Fields, he said after they they got to so-called safety, he found that during that journey his wife had contracted malaria fever. And it was so severe that they couldn't keep her alive. He come so close to success on his escape. He made it over the border and his wife made it over the border. But a few days later, she died. And of course, being a refugee with absolutely nothing, and being unable to mourn the death of his wife, even though his wife was there, he could not do anything at the time. He could not perform any ceremonies. He didn't have the means to do that. He waited for about, I don't know, how many years, 5 6 7 years. And he got married in the meantime. He obviously asked permission from his wife. He still had unfinished business with his first wife. The whole ceremony to which I attended was just for that first wife. It was her funeral. It was a time he could say thank you. A time he could let her go. And then go back and join his new wife, his second wife. And put away all that past. It was an occasion when if you cannot perform those funeral services when somebody passes away, especially in some countries now because of COVID, if you can't actually do them now, you can always do them later.
- 'George, you stupid man'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A woman who came to the Perth centre always belittled her husband in public — 'George, come over here. George, you stupid man.' Ajahn Brahm felt sorry for George, bullied and…
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There's this lady who's to come here and she would always she would always just embarrass her husband every time they came here. And I think, "Sir, I don't somebody may remember." It was It's George, George, come over here. George, you stupid man. George, George. And I always felt so sorry for George. And he was intimidated, he was bullied, he was harassed. And eventually, she passed away. When she passed away, I asked George afterwards, "Oh, you must be so relieved." He says, "No, I miss her so much." It's amazing what we get attached to.
- “I forgive. No payback.”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a Curtin University human-rights course, Dennis Eggington (later head of the Aboriginal Legal Service) tells Ajahn Brahm of a funeral at Karrakatta: two promising Noongar boys…
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I gave a talk maybe a year or two ago in Curtin University, as part of the human rights course, Human Rights and Religion. And one of the students at that human rights course was Dennis Eggington. He's now the head of the aboriginal legal, what's it called? Aboriginal legal support group, whatever. Sorry? Aboriginal Legal Service. Yeah. Often see them in the paper. And during my talk he said, 'It's amazing what you've just been talking about', because he had an experience a couple of weeks before. A couple of drunk drivers had rammed in to a car containing two Aboriginal boys and killed them. And these two Aboriginal boys were really good students, were not getting in to any sort of trouble at all. Were doing really well at school, very promising, really good guys. The cream of the crop. And they'd been killed by these stupid drunk drivers. The problem was, the drunk drivers were also Aboriginal. And at the funeral service, because it was all Noongars, everybody had to be there. The two drivers were in custody but the father and other relations of those two drivers had to attend the funeral ceremony. Together with the relations of the two boys who had died. Noongar custom meant there had to be payback. And payback means if you can't give payback to the people who killed your children, to the closest relations. So the whole crematorium, it was in Karrakatta, I think he said, was so tense. Because no one knew when payback would happen. In the middle of the service the father of one of the boys who had died got up and before, there was police there, and before the police could stop him went for the father of one of the murderers. One of the boys who had killed his son. Went for him, hugged him and said, 'I forgive. No payback.' He'd broken the custom. But everybody was so impressed. Even though he was quite young, at that time they made him an elder. The person who was wise, who gained the respect of the whole community. It's amazing just what the power of forgiveness can do. It can change a whole custom.
- 'It's nice to cry'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A woman who comes to the Buddhist Society told Ajahn Brahm about her mother, who went every week to Chinese tear-jerkers in which boy meets girl but never gets her — the family…
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There is a lady who comes here, she's not here this evening, thank goodness [audience laughter], but she once told me that her mother would always love going to see these weepy movies, these Chinese movies and she described them to me. Apparently the Chinese movies, there's enough people here from Malaysia, Singapore here, Hong Kong that you know what I'm talking about -- boy meets girl, but boy never gets girl! Either the family or the Imperial Army or some other tragedy gets in the way [audience laughing] and in the end, boy and girl, are killed or separated. And they know that's going to happen! Every movie is the same. It's always a sad ending. So her mother would come back from the weekly trip to the movies, with red eyes, she'd been crying all the way through, all the way home, and she asked, "What the heck you do that for?" "Ah, 'cause it's nice to cry. It's so sad and so enjoyable to feel sad.
- Jimi Hendrix drowning out Dad's Frank SinatraStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm's father, whom he loved deeply, died when Ajahn Brahm was 16. As a 14- or 15-year-old, whenever his father put on a Frank Sinatra record, he would put on Jimi Hendrix…
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I wasn't the perfect son. I did stupid things, and one of the the things I felt guilty about when my father died, which I really should have said sorry for, was a competition in our taste in music because my father would love Frank Sinatra. As for me, I loved Jimi Hendrix. (LAUGHTER) And sometimes, when he would put on his Frank Sinatra record, I would put on my Jimi Hendrix record. As you all know, Jimi Hendrix is far louder than Frank Sinatra and so I drowned his music out. It was a stupid thing but it was like, 14 or 15 year old, you're in competition with the other males in the house, even your father or your brother— that's psychology of a male growing up. And so many, many times I did that— stupid young man—and then when he died it was too late to say sorry. You know, little things like that you feel guilty about. Okay, he can listen to his— I want my father to enjoy his Frank Sinatra music and whatever, but I felt guilty about that. And I always remember from that experience: while there's still time always say sorry because the time comes when you can't say it anymore.
- “Oh, you poor thing”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: When Ajahn Brahm's father died, his mother was at peace — until a cousin came in with open arms saying “oh you poor thing,” and the floodgates opened.
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I remember even when my own father died that obviously I knew my mother so well but when my father died she knew he was going to die, you know he came very close many times, when he actually did die she was at ease, at peace with it. It was only when a cousin came in to the house and opened up her arms to my mother and said, "oh you poor thing", and of course that meant the floodgates of my mother's tears started coming. And I knew that if that cousin hadn't said that stupid thing my mother would be much more at peace with the death of her husband and my father. It was as if that there was a social trigger there, that you've lost your husband that you must cry, and that was pressed by this cousin when, before that happened she did not need to go on that path of grief.
- One phone call to the vice-chancellorStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Many years ago a Sri Lankan nursing student at Curtin University lost her husband: working two jobs to pay the bills, he fell asleep driving home early one morning and was…
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that was when there was one Sri Lankan woman many years ago that she was uh studying nursing at Curtain University. And then she told me that the tragedy to pay the bills. She had two kids, I think, at the time, but her husband was working two jobs. This is many years ago. And because he was working two jobs, he was driving home early in the morning and he basically fell asleep and he killed himself. And so it was a great tragedy. This woman had lost her husband and is the main financial supporter and she was still at university um doing her a nursing degree and she had a couple of did she have a couple of kids at that time? I think she did. But anyway, Sri Lanka community collected some money to look after her but that was only for her um basically temporary needs. What should she do next? because it was curtain university because I was you know go there to give talks and look after them they given me this John Curtain medal for community service many years ago and that's where I got to know the then um vice chancellor at curtain uh what was her name again Hackit I think was it Theresa Hackit but anyway she was the vice chancellor and she was very very friendly. So much so that you know I had her phone number and so I called her up and to her office in curtain and got straight through. Ajam brah is calling you and so she answered the phone. It's very rare to be able to get straight through to a vice chancellor and anyway so what's the problem? I said this Sri Lankan lady she's one of your students know at Kern University. She's lost her husband, died in a car crash, you know. Can you help her? He said, "Ajent Brah, thank you for letting me know. A lot of people ask and this for wrong reasons, but you know, I trust you." So, the vice chancellor made sure in a very short time she was awarded a full scholarship for her studies. Didn't have to pay anything. And eventually that lady she graduated and she became I forget the position in nursing but she's one of the top nurses uh here. So basically just what you know who you know sometimes and we share all this good karma. They look after you and they care for you. I think it's a wonderful way of living. So that means she keeps coming here every now and again and but you know but this was 20 30 years ago. So you know she's a uh not middle age. She's getting getting on a bit now being honest. But she's a wonderful woman and paid back the debts you know she had to society not with money but by caring for everybody and really working hard as a as a doctor as a a nurse. Sorry. That's what I like in this world. You don't pay people back uh for their kindness just with money, but through helping even more and being just a wonderful person.
- Paṭācārā, who lost everythingStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Paṭācārā, from a good family, runs away with her low-born lover. Pregnant, she tries to return to her parents to give birth but delivers on the way; the second time too. Her…
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But I always tell them about one of the greatest nuns that ever was. Her name was Patara. And her story was that she'd run away with her lover. She came from a very good family. Her lover I think was just a lowborn. But they loved each other were both very good. And eventually she had a child and they thought if they go back to their parents' house, you know, when they just let themelves or let them her give birth in her parents' house, that would actually make the parents a bit more amunable to her husband. But they she gave birth on the way. So they went straight back to their village. And so they tried that a second time. And again she gave a like a few days premature birth and I was in the forest and after the new baby was born. Her husband who you know just really looked after her, loved her to bits, went looking for some wood to keep her warm and took a piece of wood but it was a snake and the snake bit him and he died. So, so she'd just given birth to her second child and now she lost her husband, Snakebite. So, she decided she had to go back to see her parents. No husband had died. She had two kids. But then she had to cross a big stream which was in flood and she had like a two or three year old kid and a new baby. What should she do? So she put the baby or she put the the told the new kid no told her two or three year old son you wait on this bank and I'll wade across the stream with the new baby and then I'll put the baby down on the other side and come for you and if I if you see me waving or something then just come straight away. So she got across the stream with her new kid, put the kid down sort of in a safe place on the dry bank, and then waited back again to get her elder son. But as she was midstream, she saw a big eagle come and swoop on her little baby. And of course, she was frantic. She waved her hands around trying to scare the bird away. But instead, the bird wasn't scared. She was in the middle of the stream. So, the bird took away her baby. And her 2-year-old kid thought mommy was calling him and weded into the river and got swept away. So, now she lost two kids. And if that wasn't bad enough, when she was trying to make her way back to her village that she heard from somebody there had been a big storm in that village the night before and her two parents had been killed in the storm. She'd lost her two children, parents and her husband on the same day. Now you can imagine what grief does to you. She went mad, crazy. She didn't know what to do, where to go. But eventually, she wandered into the temple totally naked and screaming her head off. And she when she walked into the temple, the Buddha was giving a sermon. And so people there at the edge of the the crowd, the congregation, the audience said, "You can't come in here. You're badly dressed. you're crazy. But the Buddha said, "No, let her in." You know, she was a young woman, you know, just given birth to a couple of children, maybe in her 20ies, and the Buddha out of kindness said, "Let her in." And one of the monks got his robe and put it around her so she was a little bit more uh decent. And that was the start of Patara's um entry into being a a nun. And one of the reasons I tell that story as a great tragedy, great grief. But then that nun became one of the most famous teachers in the whole of the nuns community. cuz this is just not what other people tell me cuz I remember just reading all these stories of great nuns in the time of the Buddha. And I think many of you may be able to relate to this. Sometimes you've been meditating and meditating and meditating and practicing going on retreats but sometimes you're getting nowhere. You feel my meditation a brah talks about these nimitas and janna and stuff like that. I've got nowhere near that. Why not? And this was some of the nuns were like that. And then they said, you know, in their little record of their enlightenment that this great nun came and taught them how to meditate. And they were just enlightened within a few days. And that nun's name was Patara. That was her amazing teacher.
- Permission to go — peaceful funeralStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: He tells a daughter she is holding her dying mother back; she gives full permission to depart. The mother dies within 24 hours. At the Thai funeral's first rites, husband and two…
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please give your mother permission to go you have to let her go and I don't mean just half-heartedly fully go up to her and give her your blessing to depart this life because you are what's holding her back and she accepted that and understood that I was quite surprised at how easily that really got into her head into her mind and after I left she did go up to her mother talk to her and free her let her go she passed away 24 hours later and I was fortunate enough to do part of the funeral service in Thailand the funeral service is just so long and drawn out the death only takes a couple of minutes but the funerals take a 100 days there's something very wrong there but that's tradition but fortunately I went to do the first part of the funeral service and it was one of the most those was on Monday evening was one of the most wonderful times to see the closest relations the husband and the two daughters totally at peace with her mother death cuz her mother had died well had died beautifully and there wasn't tears there wasn't the sense of grief there was a sense that they let go and what a wonderful freeing experience that was for everybody
- Suicide is stuffing up one exam questionStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Parents who used to come to Friday talks lost a child to suicide just before the TEE exams. Ajahn Brahm frames a life like an exam of many papers and questions: stuffing up one…
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there was one I don't know if the parents are here this evening. They used to come most evenings. Uh they uh their kid uh committed suicide just before the TEE exams. Uh he's doing very well. There was no reason why he We don't still don't know why people commit suicide, but there it was. Committed suicide. And of course, they were very distraught. And I said, "Look, in the "How many papers in each subject? Two." I didn't really know where I was going with this. But so, that's 10 papers. Maybe say five questions in each paper. So, that's 50 questions decide whether you're going to get to university or not. So, you've got 50 questions. If you stuff up one question, does that mean you're not going to go to university? Of course not. So, committing suicide is stuffing up one question. But keep that in perspective of everything else you've done in your life. So, you can't measure a person's life just by the ending. Yeah, they committed suicide. It's a stupid thing to do. But what about all the other things they did in their life? Does that count for nothing? Of course it doesn't. So, when you look at their whole life, not just the ending, their whole life, they're probably really good person. They did a lot of kindness, a lot of love, a lot of a nice person to be around. But you know, they the last question in the exam, they they messed up that answer. But the rest of the questions were perfect. So, such a person would get a good rebirth. But if they've lived a terrible life and been selfish and hurtful and cheated on everybody and everything else, then it doesn't matter how they end their life, they're still going to have a bad rebirth. So, don't just judge a life by the way it ended. The life is bigger than the end. Much bigger. And anyway, sometimes you don't know why a person did these things. So, I It's very hard to judge. What I really don't like is people who say, "Suicide, therefore you're going to go to hell. It's the worst thing to do. It's a bad thing. I don't know where people get those ideas from. It's already bad enough if a loved one has committed suicide and you hear those other stupid people go along and say, "Oh, they're going to go to hell, it's a bad thing to do." That makes it so much worse and it's untrue. So, look at the whole life, not just the ending. And trust a good person will get a good rebirth.
- The bikies' funeralStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A young bikie hits a lamp post and dies; his Buddhist mother asks Ajahn Brahm to support her, and he ends up conducting the funeral in Fremantle. The bikies come in leathers and…
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I remember going to a funeral service. I mentioned this because I was at a funeral service over in Freo um last Wednesday and it was for a bikey funeral. You know, it was real bikes. One of their members had hit a lamp post and died. And the m their mother was a Buddhist and invited me to come to the funeral to, you know, support her. In the end, I ended up doing the funeral service. One of the best funerals I've ever done cuz no bikes. They came in all their leathers and chains and whatever else they had on. and all their their girlfriends again came as if they were going to a dance or a nightclub, not a funeral. They're all dressed up. That was their culture. But I looked a bit weird as well to them cuz I was dressed in brown. And I ended up doing the funeral service. But there was so I always remember it because after the funeral service was concluded, they all came up to me, nice service, sir. Thank you for that, sir. They were just so polite. It totally changed my idea of a, you know, bikey just I was on their side that day
- The conservative parents who became friendsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: One of Ajahn Brahm's first Perth funerals is for a young British Buddhist of 23 or 24 who dies of cancer at Bethesda hospice. His very formal, conservative Christian parents fly…
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there was this young guy he was from UK and he he's only about 23 24 he developed cancer his terminal and he was over in one of the first hospices which was I was at um over in Netherlands by the river the old hospital over there somewhere what was it called again Netherlands or Del Keith somewhere Betha okay that sounds right Betha anyway so I went to see him in there and you know there's nothing you could really do you know he was dying but he was a Buddhist so when he actually died and I would did the funeral service his parents came over from UK and his parents were just this quintessential like um country folk from from UK you know they lived in a village they were very very formal very um conservative very Christian and when they saw me come into the the room for the funeral of their only son just their drawers dropped oh God what's what's doing the funeral for our only son and that's actually what I started off with you could see just it was almost like disappointment very severe disappointment this was their only son who died tragically of cancer and this guy in a funny robe was doing the funeral service for them at the end of the funeral service about 25 years ago they were so impressed they gave a $500 donation you know just out of joy and they they um made a decision that when they die that I have to do their funeral service for them and also that their ashes would get spread at bodana Monastery they became really really good friends the mother died her ashes were spread over bodana Monastery uh he's getting a bit old now he'd always come every year to our bana Monastery became a really really dear friend
- The dead dog and the cat scanJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Owner brings a dog to the vet insisting it is alive; the vet uses a live cat as a diagnostic (nose, tail, belly) — dog never moves. Bill: $20 consultation + $2,000 for the cat…
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took the dog into the vet and said look the dog you know please help it. And the dog took a look at the sorry the not the dog took over the vet. The vet took a look at the dog and said there's nothing you can do. The dog is dead. And this is like a variation of if any of you like Monty Python or the dead parrots sketch, remember that one? But this is much better than that. So they took the he said the dog is dead. They said it's not dead because you know you're in denial when it's somebody you really love. Do something. And so the the vet said, "Okay, I'll give it a try." So he opened up another cage and took out a cat. and he put the cat nose to nose with the dog and the cat and the dog didn't move. And then he took it around the back of the dog, lifted up the dog's tail and put the cat right next to the dog's, you know, what's underneath the tail there and the dog didn't move. Turned the dog on the belly and the cat was on the belly scratching it and the dog never moved. And they told the owner of the dog said, "Look, the dog's dead." Yeah, I think actually because my dog never loved cats at all. He hated cats and they would chase them and and said he hated cats. So that must be the case that he's dead. Thank you very much. So then the the vet gave the bill $2,020. $2,020. What's that for? is a $20 for the consultation and a $2,000 for the cat scan
- The ghost dog who brought back the ringStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A woman living alone with her beloved dog loses a sentimental ring in a park and can't find it after hours of searching. Days later the dog dies. She keeps hearing its…
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One of those ghost stories was a lady, I'm not sure if she's here this evening, but she told me this story a long time ago. She was a uh lived by herself. No, not really by herself. You know, she didn't have any any other human friends. She had her dog. And she told me here in front here just after a Friday night talk she said that uh you know she loved her dog her dog and her was you know basically the the contents of the house and she said one day she would taking her dog for a walk in the the park or the reserve and she don't know h didn't know how this happened but she lost her fingering you know in the in the park. As soon as she came home she realized she'd lost this ring. It wasn't expensive, but it had sentimental value. So, she immediately returned, traced her steps trying to find her fingering. She looked everywhere, but in a in a park, there's just too many twigs and leaves and grass. You just can't find it. It's hard enough to find things in your house, let alone in a park. So, after a couple of hours, she gave up and then she just came home. Few days later, her dog died. And of course she was devastated because that was the the being she was close to, she loved very much. And she swore to me in front here saying, "Absolutely honest, Ajam Brah, I won't lie to you, not a Buddhist monk. I heard that dog many times in my house barking. I couldn't see it, but I heard it." And if you've had a pet dog, you know its bark. You know its bark is different than any other dog. You recognize that was my dog. She's heard it many, many times. It was always behind a door around a corner and she'd rush around the corner, try and open the door. She could never see it. She could hear it though. But she was really wanting so much to see the dog that one day she was right in front of her front door inside the house and she heard the dog barking just outside the front door of her house and she was right there. So she immediately opened the door trying to get a glimpse of her dear dog. No one was there, completely empty. But she heard the sound there. And that's when she looked down at the welcome mat. And right in the middle of the welcome mat was her fingering. It was a dog who found her ring once. It was a ghost. True story.
- The jarrah boat coffin that stuck halfwayStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A white-water rafter's family make his coffin as a boat with paddles — out of jarrah, so heavy ten people lift it. At the committal the conveyor belt stalls and the glass…
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Because there was an open funeral at Fremantle cemetery, you know. Not one of the chapels you've got like… you do the ceremony here and you take the box over to Fremantle. They're just outside. They've got a little conveyor belt. You put it on there, do your stuff and it just goes inside and gets cremated. But at the time it's actually my fault. Because I found out legally you don't have to buy a coffin. You can make your own. But it has to be a certain size. And because this fellow was into white water rafting he made it in the shape of a boat with little paddles on the top. It was him. It was who he was. The trouble was they made it out of jarrah which is incredibly heavy wood. So just getting it out of the the hearse and onto the it took about 10 people to actually lift it up and put it on there. That was okay. But after the saving when you do the commitment of the coffin you press the little button and the conveyor belt sort of goes and the little glass partition moves back, all synchronized, it goes through and the glass partition closes. What happened, it was so heavy that poor motor was struggling to move the conveyor belt. So it only got halfway through when the glass door closed and jammed against it. Halfway in, halfway out. You know what the wife did? The wife grieving for a lovely husband, she jumped on the conveyor belt and started to push. And everyone said “are you trying to get rid of him that much?” And it was a big mistake. But instead of getting embarrassed everybody started laughing. One of his friends reminded everybody that, you know, he knew him before he got married, you know, when he first got his first car he crashed his first car on his first day driving it. Just like the first day and his coffin is crashed out too. Typical of Steve. That was such a memorable funeral.
- The man who cried for the moonStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A father weeps every evening at his son's cremation ground; his family hires an actor who weeps louder, 'for the moon'. When the father calls him crazy, the actor answers that at…
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it's a man who cried for the moon. A man who lost his only son, and would go to the cremation ground every evening to cry and cry and cry, and his family let him cry for a while. But when he was crying overmuch they wanted to find some way of overcoming his grief which was going on far too long, ruining his health and his business as I've seen happen. They hired an actor and the actor went to the cremation ground also, and the actor was crying more than the father who'd lost his son. When they met together, these two men crying their eyes out, the actor crying more, the actor asked, "what are you crying for?" He said, "I've lost my son. He's dead..". "What are you crying for," said the father to the actor. "I'm crying for the moon". "What do you mean, crying for the moon?" "It's my birthday last week, and my father asked me - what do you want? And I said I want the moon please. And my father wouldn't get it for me, and I'm so upset.. I'm crying for the moon." And the father said, "You're stupid. You're crazy! Why are you crying for? No-one can give you the moon!" "You call me crazy," said the actor, "You're crying for your dead son. At least you can see the moon! Where is your dead son?" [laughter]. And at that, this is a story, an old story, in the Buddhist texts, at that, the man realised what he was doing, he was crying for something you can never get. Grieving for something which you can't change. And that was enough for him to stop his grief, go back to work, and move on with his life.
- The monkey who knocked on the monk's doorStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An old monk living alone in a bamboo-and-thatch hut deep in the jungle hears a knock one night. At the door is a monkey from the forest holding her dead baby, as if asking him to…
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And there was a story this old monk told me. This old monk was he told some wonderful stories. He was living by himself in a bamboo and thatch hut in the middle of the jungle many years ago. He said even one evening late at night there was a knock on his door and he who's knocking on the door. No one comes here at nighttime. And he said that when he opened the door there was a a monkey who was holding a little dead baby. a dead baby monkey in her arms. And he realized this was one of the the monkeys in the forest around him who had lost her kid. And what does the monkey know what to do? He gave it to the monk or she gave it to the monk almost asking the monk, "Can you do something to bring my baby back to life?" And the monk just, you know, looked at the the baby monk. It was dead. no possibility of reviving it. But at least did some chanting and after doing the little chanting for the baby monkey gave the little baby back to its mom and the m monkey just obviously had very wet eyes just went away. which is like how sort of people live in the forest a long time. Actually, you actually the animals get to know you and somehow other this griefstricken mother monkey thought that maybe the monk could do something but it couldn't.
- The only child killed on Albany HighwayStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: One of the hardest funerals Ajahn Brahm ever gave: a young woman from mainland China, an only child, graduates in Perth and brings over her parents, who have sacrificed…
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One of the worst funerals I ever tal I gave here was uh this poor uh it was she was a Chinese girl, you know, from mainland China. I'll never forget this. It was really difficult for me cuz I felt really sort of devastated too. I'm sympathetic. I've got empathy for people. Chinese girl studying over here, managed to graduate and invited her parents. It's another one child policy. She was the only child. Invited her parents to migrate to Perth. And they'd only just come and maybe about a week. They couldn't speak any English, just no Chinese. And she was walking down the street in Kelcott on the Albany Highway. A drunk driver lost control of the car and smashed into her and killed her. And that was the parents hope in life. They sacrificed everything. I mean literally everything to get their child a good education and to send her to Australia to pay all her bills and fees. Now she was successful and one or two weeks after coming here. The child had died through no fault fault of her own. A drunk driver speeding lost control. It was just so sad. And every time I think about it, please, you know, don't speed, don't get drunk.
- The parrot that kept vigilStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A gardener coming to Bodhinyana each day noticed, early one morning at the corner of Kingsbury Drive and the South Western Highway, a parrot on a branch looking down at a dead…
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some little time before, we had a gardener who was coming up every day to do some work in Bodhinyana, and he told me the corner of Kingsbury Drive and the South Western Highway, he just noticed as he came early one morning, not much traffic, there was a parrot, was on the branch of a tree, looking down at a dead parrot, which had been hit by a car, maybe early that morning, and when he finished work, he noticed that parrot was still there, looking down, hadn't moved. The next morning, the parrot was still on the tree, looking down. About three or four days, the parrot hadn't moved, looking down at the dead parrot on the side of the road. If that wasn't grief, I don't know what is.
- The polka-dot bow tieStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Kalgoorlie builder dying of cancer comes to the monastery for counselling about death, dressed as always in thongs, shorts and a singlet. After his closed-coffin funeral, his…
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one of the gentlemen um here he had a friend in Calgi who was a builder. The builder got cancer and the friend invited the builder to come to Bodin Island Monastery for some counseling about dying. And of course eventually the builder died. Even when he visited me, he visited me the best clothes he possibly could have which was always like thongs and shorts and a singlet. That's all the clothes he would wear. And then uh when he died it was a closed coffin. Of course I never went there. It was done in Kgori, but my friend who lived over here did and then a few days later friend was woken up in the middle of the night. Somebody had poked him. He thought of his thought it was his wife and he told his wife off and realized his wife was fast asleep. It wasn't her and he saw it was his friend who died. But what really surprised him, this builder was wearing a polka dot bow tie and a nice suit. He said, "This is weird." Cuz I'd never seen in my life him wear this s sort of clothing. And then he woke his wife up to say this is uh this guy has come to see us. And of course after he know lost that one or two moments of contact then she couldn't find him anymore. When he come and told me that story, I said, "Uh, did you see him in his coffin?" He said, "No, it was a closed coffin." And I said, "As soon as you can, please call his wife in Calguri." You know, he was living in Perth and ask, you know, um, what was No, just ask ordinary questions and then just ask in passing what was he wearing in his coffin? And that's when his wife admitted said, "Oh, you know, I bought him this suit years ago. He never wore it cuz he just like ordinary Australian garb." And so I dressed him in a nice shirt, a polka dot bow tie, and this um uh this suit cuz he would never wear it usually. Niku was dead. He couldn't complain. And that's exactly how he saw him in the in this vision.
- The storm and the green leavesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A forest monk in northern Thailand survives a night of falling trees in his flimsy hut; next morning he sees that the storm tore down mostly old brown leaves but also some fresh…
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The answer which, I got for that, I got from a monk, an old monk who's living in the jungle, who was one of these people who was still enough to listen to the teachings from the nature, from around us Brilliant teachings. And I tell this every time I have to do a funeral service for someone who is young. I tell this, and many people get it, they understand "Ahh, I understand now". And it was, this monk was in a very simple hut, in the north of Thailand, and when I talk about simple, I really mean simple, just made out of bamboo and thatch for the roof, and thatch for the walls as well: really simple to put up, very natural, very easy. And you know, he'd go on alms round every morning to the local village, live a very very frugal, peaceful life, but very very happy. But living in the jungle, there are such things as storms, and if a storm comes when you're in the middle of the forest, and you haven't got much protection, it is very dangerous. Trees come down, or even big branches! And imagine, just visualize a bamboo and thatch hut, if a decent size branch hits that roof, it just goes straight through. Not like metal roofs, or these, uhh, roofs which are engineered so that almost like an Elephant could fall on this roof and it wouldn't go through. Otherwise we wouldn’t get planing permission and building permission, not that an elephant would actually fall on this roof, but you never know (Laughs) So, so over engineered, for safety. But anyway, so, it was such a flimsy dwelling, that one branch could go through and it would... if you didn't actually get crushed you'd get injured, break a leg, break an arm, and remember this is simple living, you don't have mobile phones, you don't... you know even if you did have one, there would be no telecommunications tower there, there's no one you can call, no one can help you if you break a leg, that's probably worse than dying instantly you just die slowly. So it was very dangerous! So he was up all night, hearing the... THUUUDD! BANG! (Hits Table) WHA... oops, WHACK actually that hurt (Laughs) That didn't work as I expected it to. I always say that when you give a public talk, do some special effects (Laughs) Cause you know what happens when people talk, talk, talk, you know, they fall asleep they get bored. It is something like, special like raise your voice, or go BANG! or WOFF! then actually, you know, people actually enjoy it in weird ways. Anyway, so BANG!, WHACK! All these trees where THUDDING next to him. And so, you know, it was very difficult to meditate And he was up all night, but, you know, he survived If he didn't survive he wouldn’t be able to tell me the tale. He survived the night. And in the morning He walked outside, to see the damage; And yeah, several big trees Just missed his hut, he was lucky to be alive! But it wasn't the trees which grabbed his attention, what he saw was the leaves on the forest floor. Most of the leaves which had been torn off the trees and laid dead on the forest floor, where the old, brown leaves. But amongst those old brown leaves there where several yellow leaves, even a few green leaves. And some of those green leaves where so freshly green, they could have only been alive for a few hours, and now they laid dead on the forest floor. Before he completed his insight, his understanding, he checked to see what leaves remained alive on the twigs and branches of those trees; And of course! Most of the leaves remaining alive on the forest trees, where the green leaves! But, even though a few green leaves had been torn off and laid dead on the ground, there where still a few curly old brown leaves, still clinging on, Even though the young green leaves where torn off and laid dead. You understand what we mean, even though young children die, there are still some of these old people who keep coming to our center every Friday for years and years and years still clinging on (Laughs). You know the old Grandma and Grandpa, why aren't they dead yet? (Laughs) They're all still clinging on when these young people die. And he realised that there was nothing wrong. That's what they where saying there: "there's something wrong, It can't be right, why are old people still alive and young people die? It can't be right". Then he saw it was right: It was the nature of life and death it's the nature of a storm which goes through a forest, to mostly take the old leaves, but it always leaves a few old leaves. And it always takes a few young green leaves as well. Nothing is wrong, welcome to life.
- The two chicken farmers: eggs or dung?Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: One chicken farmer fills his basket with chicken dung, leaves the eggs to rot and stinks out his house; the other brings home the eggs for an omelette and the market and leaves…
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The two chicken farmers story. My famous, favourite story and the reason why I keep repeating this is because people need to know this, so they don't suffer so much. Two chickens farmers, the first chicken farmer went into the shed early in the morning to collect the produce from the night before. Took in the basket and filled the basket full of chicken shit and he left the eggs in the shed to rot and he brought the shit back into the house, stunk the whole house out, he was a very dumb chicken farmer. There's a meaning to this story so stay with me. Second chicken farmer went into the shed with a basket and he put eggs in the basket and he left shit in the shed because it would become valuable fertilizer later on. But you don't bring it into the house with you, you bring the eggs back into the house so he could make an omelette for his family and sell the rest of the eggs in the market for cash. That's a smart chicken farmer, that's what you're supposed to do. And the moral of that story, and this was told by Ajahn Chah, he said when you collect the produce of your past and bring it into your present, what do you bring with you? When you collect what's done today or this week, what do you bring home with you? Are you shit collectors or egg collectors
- The vet who wept when his dog was hitStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Victorian vet driving to a weekend party is overcome with unexplained grief, pulls over and weeps; later learns his dog was hit by a car at that exact time.
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vet who finished work early on a Friday afternoon and went to somewhere in the Country of Victoria for a nice weekend party with his friends. So, on the way, maybe two or three hour journey, in the middle of the journey, he was overcome with unexpected intense grief. It was so bad he had to stop his car, park by the side of the road and just weep for about 15 or 20 minutes and he hadn't got a clue why. He just felt like crying and when he pulled himself together, and drove off to this house where he's gonna have the weekend party with his friends, the message was waiting for him. His dog had been hit by a car
- The whole household had the same dreamStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The daughter of the monastery treasurer, in her twenties, dies of cancer. Some time later he arrives at dawn: at breakfast one daughter mentioned dreaming that her dead sister…
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because this lady died in Thailand. She and her father was a treasurer of our monastery. So, uh we knew she was dying, you know, cancer. She's a very young lady in her 20ies. Tried everything to look after her, but she eventually died. So, I knew the day she died, you know, we did the funeral ceremony for her. And it was, you know, sometime later, her father came really early in the morning and he actually came to speak with me and said, "Why are you coming to the monastery so early?" And he said, "Look, I had to come. I came on the first possible vehicle because something weird happened this morning." And he said that we were having our breakfast like in Asia, sitting on the floor with all the the dishes in front of you. And there was about 12 or 13 people or 14 people in the house. And he said, "My one of my other daughters, you know, just chatting around mentioned, I said, I had a really strange dream last night. I dream my sister came to me in my dream and said that she'd spent enough time here now she was taking leave and going and at that everybody stopped eating and one by one every person in that house said they had the very same dream same dream no difference and so you know the father the head of the house came to see me and said what happened obviously she's taken leave it's time for her to go and because I knew the whole family so well and the whole circumstance dances. Straight away I looked at the calendar and it was exactly 49 days.
- The wild horse that kissed the coffinStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Gerald in Hong Kong sent a photo-story: a man tamed a wild horse with only kindness and patience — no hitting or starving — until the horse would greet him with a mouth-kiss.…
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there was a horse which no one could actually tame a wild horse and he decided to give it a try but not training it by hitting it or starving it or punishing it in any which way but just being patient and being kind and of course it took him a long time but after a while this horse you know would allow him to ride on on the horse's back became like an ordinary horse people thought it could never be they used the word broken that's a terrible word to use to break a horse he just used kindness and patience and this horse you know would always you know be this guy's friend would would greet him you know when he would come home from some other business he would greet him by actually putting his mouth on the on the mouth of this owner was actually kissing him but then unfortunately after so many years the owner died and passed away and this guy in hong kong gerald sent this beautiful photograph with the story of when this guy was in the coffin dead the horse came up and kissed his friend kissed the coffin obviously even that horse recognized that this that was his friend i just gave it one last kiss and this is those sorts of stories
- Two child killings, two societiesStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm recalls an article comparing two similar tragedies. In England, a toddler (Jamie Bulger) was abducted from a Liverpool shopping centre and killed on a railway line by…
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Some few years ago, I should've kept this article because there was a brilliant article, it was concerning the killers of Jamie Bulger, (whatever his name was) this young -- was it two or three year old -- who was abducted in the shopping center in Liverpool tortured and killed on the railway track by some, was it, eight or nine year old children. And the whole culture of England at the time especially driven by the tabloid press, was wanting the blood of those two killers even though they were very, very young and they'd done a terrible terrible thing. To take the life of a two year old, and it's not just one person's death it's all the tears and the anxiety and the stress and the devastation of all of the people who knew that child, let alone the parents. But what I never knew at the time was pointed out in this article was that at about the same time a similar event happened in Norway in the town of Trondheim, north of Oslo where I think, two boys lured (I think) a girl into the snowfields, and had similarly killed her. And the similarities between the crimes were very close. But what was very dissimilar was the way those two societies dealt with the problem. As many of you know, the Jamie Bulger case, those two kids were put into some detention center, and the tabloid press just wanted them to be really punished hard and the parents were just waiting for them to be released so they could kill them. And even the public did not want them to be released. I read in the newspapers there was some idea of sending them to Australia where they wouldn't be known, new identities so they could live their life and the British public was saying, "No they don't deserve any freedom." That's what I read. With those other two kids the following day after they were caught they both went to school accompanied by psychiatrists and a social worker. They were not put into any punitive institution. Very, very soon, the mother and father of the child who died came to a closure, came to forgiveness and moved on in their life. Whereas the parents of Jamie Bulger never moved on as far as I know. The whole town of Trondheim came to a closure. They realized a terrible act, but the only way to move forward is not to wish harm on the killers. So many years later, one of the killers of that (I think it was a) little girl in Trondheim is perfectly well adjusted having a successful life completed the education, had really moved on, and so did the family and the rest of town. There's one of the killers still has social problems and some psychological problems, but nowhere near like the pain which was spread around England because of the Jamie Bulger case. To see those two separate accounts of a similar tragedy, one where there were many victims and their victimhood was, I dare to say, cherished and attached to and made much of. And the other one, where rehabilitation was the main aim and goal, to see the effects of those two cases I sure wish I'd lived in Norway than in England.
- Waving from the stretch limoStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Buddhist family's first child, born with complications, dies after a few months despite the doctors' best efforts. The parents are too upset to attend, so they ask Ajahn Brahm…
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I went into a stretch limo once you know the occasion I was in the back of a stretch limo because part of being a monk doing funeral services and it's the only time I've been in a limo because what actually happened it was it was a sad occasion because this family of Buddhists you know the first child you know died you know was born with complications and after a few months they tried their very best the doctors gave 100% ENT trying to keep this kid alive but you know sometimes it doesn't work so the child died and the parents they were just too upset actually to go to the funeral service so they asked me can I just go uh with the casket you know to the um pratorum and just do a little bit of bush chanting and just me myself the two funeral directors and the coffin and of course you know they wanted to send their kid off in the best possible way so they hired a stretch limo for it so there was like you know have you ever been in a stretch there most huge car and this these two seats like facing each other so you know in the front was the little coffin which was only a tiny thing no one could see that and I was in the back and these two uniform drivers were in the front and so every time we stopped the traffic lights this was about made 20 years ago when the first stretch lios came people actually you know look through the window to see who was this guy with two uniform chauffeurs in a stretch limo and of course when they look through the window they couldn't see the coffin they could just see me so I waved regally everybody
- Why he felt no grief: his father's death and the great concertAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm's father, whom he loved very much, died when he was 16, and he couldn't understand why he felt no grief. Years later as a monk he reflected on it and saw the feeling…
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When my father died, you've heard of this before, this is a beautiful story. When my father died at 16, I never cried, never cried since and I've loved my father very much. I've told many stories about him. The reason I never cried, really, I couldn't understand. I was only 16 years of age. Later on, I contemplated my emotions. Because alone, you've got more time to spend, you know, to contemplate how you feel, what the emotion is, why it is, where it comes from. That's what meditation does, it really gets you very aware of your emotional world and so when I found out what I felt, I realized the emotion I felt of my father's death, funeral and afterwards, was exactly the same as another emot
- “You're taking away my grief”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a talk at a grief-and-loss conference on letting go, a woman complains bitterly that Ajahn Brahm is taking away her grief — grief had become her identity and her source of…
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But one of the women afterwards, after hearing my talk, came up to complain bitterly. Her complaint was "Are you saying I shouldn't grieve? Are you saying it's wrong to grieve? You're taking away my grief," she complained For her, she had associated with grief and she became Mrs. Grief whatever her name was. But that's her persona, that's who she was. And she would go to many of those conferences and she'd get a lot of support from her friends. That's who she was and she was not willing to give it up.
- You're the only one who deserves this awardStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Receiving his Order of Australia medal at Government House under Governor Kim Beazley, Ajahn Brahm wonders whether a monk should accept awards. Two or three women working there…
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Some years ago they gave me this That's right, the Order of Australia medal. I had to go to Government House over there. Kim Beazley was the governor then. Uh to get this award. And I often wondered, should I be going to this? A monk getting awards. You just do this for no You don't expect anything back in return. And but the best part of that ceremony was I don't know actually who they actually were. I think they were working in Government House. There's these two or three ladies. They came up to me and said you're the only person who deserves this award. Cuz they too had gone through a terrible divorce or separation. They said, "You saved our life, too." And those words meant far more than the little medal which you got from the governor. And so I said, "Okay, yeah, it's worthwhile coming to get that. That is real job satisfaction.