Story · Ajahn Brahm
“Don't you ever take away my suffering”
Content note: murder of a real person (Claremont killings) referenced; identifiable bereaved parent (identity hedged: "I think", "if I remember correctly"); sensitive: judges a grieving mother's motives
The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)
when I went to a pain and loss conference many years ago, and there was a person, they were very…, her daughter was one of the, the victims of the Claremont killer. Anyway, after I gave her some really nice advice about how to let go of her pains, she came up to me, and she, nose to nose almost, she was so angry, she said, “How dare you try to take away my grief??”
▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 35:26 (to 36:01)
A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)
At a grief seminar, Ajahn Brahm suggested being grateful for a loved one's life like a beautiful concert, and a bereaved mother angrily told him never to take her grief away. Grief has its own pace and deserves respect. When you are ready, gratitude for the time you had can sit beside the pain, and slowly lighten it.
In brief (our summary)
At a grief and loss seminar at Observation City, Ajahn Brahm teaches his 'concert' way of letting go of grief: his father's 16 years with him were like a beautiful concert — be grateful you were there. Afterwards a woman blasts him: “Don't you ever tell me not to be grieving. Don't you ever try and take away my suffering again.” He believes she was the mother of one of the Claremont murder victims and had made an identity of being the grieving mother. He had unlocked the cell door, and she blamed him for it.
Teaching point
We can become attached to suffering and afraid to leave the prison of the past; first we must know that it should be let go.
When this story may help
- bereavement
- loss of a child
- long-term grief
Themes
Source & credit
Told by Ajahn Brahm in How to Be Happy in Solitude | Ajahn Brahm | 1 February 2019 · 2019-02-01 · ▶ watch from 35:26 to 36:01 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia
7 other tellings of this story
- Freedom: The Path To Happiness | Ajahn Brahm | 11-05-2007 · 2007-05-14 · ▶ watch from 3:46 to 11:14 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaMay 2007 telling: a national grief and loss conference at Observation City; just before his talk the parents of (he thinks) Ciara Glennon, a Claremont-killer victim, had spoken. Afterwards a woman who had lost a close relation in tragic circumstances and had grieved for 5–6 years asks 'What's wrong with being sad?' — he sees her as attached to the identity of griever. This telling does not say she was a victim's mother. The Thai no-grief village and the weepy-movies anecdote are told inside this span (entered separately).
- Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015 · 2015-06-22 · ▶ watch from 48:23 to 49:37 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia2015 Q&A telling: she is the mother of 'one of the victims of the Claremont serial killer, forgot which one'; 'What right have you to take away my grief!?'; framed as addiction to grief.
- I Don't Own My Past | by Ajahn Brahm | 03 May 2013 · 2013-05-05 · ▶ watch from 5:24 to 9:15 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia
- No Fear | Ajahn Brahm | 20-05-2011 · 2011-05-21 · ▶ watch from 35:46 to 36:37 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia2011 telling (brief): with Dennis at a grief and loss conference; an elderly lady is angry at him for trying to take away her grief — she is attached to her pain.
- Being Afraid | Ajahn Brahm | 16 March 2018 · 2018-03-18 · ▶ watch from 32:41 to 34:09 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaMar 2018 telling: he now states without hedging that she was the mother of one of the Claremont murder victims, met at a grief and loss conference at Observation City; 'How dare you take away my grief?' He again interprets her motives (sympathy, identity).
- A Taste of Freedom | Ajahn Brahm | 19-02-2010 · 2010-04-11 · ▶ watch from 32:28 to 33:51 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaFeb 2010 telling: Observation City with Dennis; woman blasts him for trying to take her grief away — used to confinement.
- Two Bad Bricks | Ajahn Brahm | 30 December 2022 · 2022-12-30 · ▶ watch from 1:09:21 to 1:14:06 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaDec 2022: Observation City grief talk; Claremont victim's mother nose-to-nose — 'what right have you to take away my grief'.
Caption notes: Manual (volunteer) captions; occasional misspellings kept as is.
The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version