Story · Ajahn Brahm
20,000 to one: the husband who lied once
The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)
The classic tale was when I was teaching in Malaysia, and somebody asked me this question at the end of the talk. I have found out this morning my husband has lied to me. My husband has lied. I can't trust him anymore. Should I get divorced? She asked me whether she should get divorced. Quick I asked her what are you doing at this university. She was a lecturer on mathematics. So I saw an opportunity to answer her question, I asked how long have you been married, she said three years. I said let's do some statistics. Three years is maybe one thousand days. Lets say for the sake of this argument, let's assume that on average throughout your three years of marriage, your husband has said maybe twenty things to you every day, on average, which could be right, which could be wrong. So he's said twenty thousand statements to you since you've been married and now he's lied for the first time. The quantum probability theory on his past record, the next time he opens his mouth there is a twenty thousand to one chance he's telling the truth. What do you mean you can't trust him? [LAUGHTER] Isn't that pretty good odds, twenty thousand to one? If every time a politician opened their mouth with twenty thousand to one chance they're telling the truth, I'd vote for them, wouldn't you? They'd be trust worthy. But you can see what we've pointed out, that why is it that one lie, a real lie, they'd lied, why is that given so much prominence that everything else is totally forgotten and ignored? This is the stupidity of our human being which is just so fault finding and negative it hasn't got a balanced perspective on life. That lady wanted to destroy her marriage. Once I told her that story they stayed together.
▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 16:31 (to 18:20)
A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)
Three years of marriage, perhaps twenty thousand things said, one lie discovered, and she wondered about divorce. Talking to a maths lecturer, Ajahn Brahm did the sums: those are excellent odds. One hurt can blot out a long record of trust. Look at the whole history before deciding, whether it's someone else's record or your own.
In brief (our summary)
After a talk in Malaysia a mathematics lecturer asks whether to divorce her husband because she discovered he lied. Ajahn Brahm does the statistics: three years, about 20,000 statements, one lie — 20,000 to one odds the next thing he says is true. They stayed together.
Teaching point
One fault given total prominence blinds us to the whole record; keep a balanced perspective.
When this story may help
- partner lied
- considering divorce
- broken trust
Themes
Source & credit
Told by Ajahn Brahm in Depression | Ajahn Brahm | 25-06-2010 · 2010-06-26 · ▶ watch from 16:31 to 18:20 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia
3 other tellings of this story
- 'Out of Control' | by Ajahn Brahm · 2012-06-27 · ▶ watch from 5:04 to 6:44 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia2012 telling: a university mathematics teacher married three years; the outcome (they stayed together) is not stated here; used to argue against labels ('liar', 'thief', 'Buddhist').
- Loving our sufferings | Ajahn Brahm | 30 Nov 2012 · 2012-12-02 · ▶ watch from 53:00 to 54:37 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia2012 telling (Q&A): she caught him lying 'this morning'; maths teacher, 3 years ≈ 1,000 days × 20 statements; outcome not stated; followed by the two-bad-bricks reference and advice to remove the fear behind lying.
- Trust | Ajahn Brahm | 01-04-2011 · 2011-04-02 · ▶ watch from 3:14 to 5:47 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaApr 2011 telling: KL-area university; maths lecturer; 3 years / ~1,000 days / 20 statements a day = 20,000 to one; no staying-together coda here.
The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version