One side is right but not correct

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• “If my daughter didn't have those faults…”

  In brief: A newly married man tells his father-in-law that everything his bride does is charming — even how she cleans wax from her ear. The…

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  There's one of those great stories that a person who got married and used to say as the father in-law took the daughter-in-law...no the father-in-law took his new son-in-law aside, so you probably love my, my daughter very much. Yes I've just married her, she's beautiful, she's charming, she's wonderful, even the way she puts her finger in her ear to get the wax out is charming. And he said that's what it's like when you get married, everything you do is just loveable. And the father-in-law said but in one or two years time you'll start to see the faults and defects in my daughter but please son-in-law always remember this, always remember if my daughter did not have those faults to begin with, she'd have married someone much better than you.

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• The 'fearless' monk on the burning bus

  In brief: During a spate of deadly bus fires in north-east Thailand, someone on Ajahn Brahm's bus shouts “fire!”; the driver leaps out the window…

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  In Thailand many years ago when I was there about five years as a monk, that all the buses in the Northeast were very old, 'cause they just tried to use them until they could literally not to run anymore, so they're very old buses. And it happened that one bus caught fire because it wasn't well maintained, and actually people got incinerated inside. I don't know why it was, but one bus after another, it was a whole spate of these buses suddenly catching fire. I know one of the monks I was practicing with in the monastery, he was actually on one those buses, he managed to get out but I think his bowl and his robes all got burnt in the fire and he got some compensation from the bus company. That's how dangerous it was. I was on one of these buses once. As a monk they always put you in the front seat, you know why that is, so that you can stop people having head-on collisions because you've got good kamma, you protect all the people around the back. But .... There was a fire in the back and they shouted out "fire, fire," and the bus driver slammed on the brakes, you almost went through the window but you managed to stop yourself, so he slammed on the brakes, and he was out the window himself. And all the people, they rushed out of the door. And it was actually another monk with me, now as a monk we're not supposed to get in contact with women, and nuns are not supposed to get in contact with men. So there were women on the bus, but this monk sitting next to me, he didn't mind, he was out. But I was a very well-behaved monk and let the other people go out first of all, you know I was brought up in England being a gentleman. [laughter] But most of the reason why I didn't get out was 'cause my Thai wasn't that good, I wondered what all the commotion was about, 'cause I didn't understand "fire," and I hadn't read the newspapers of how many people got killed. So I just sat there quite peacefully and actually I was... I wasn't the last one out, I was the second last one out because it was another man who lingered in the back, and he looked, there was only a small amount of smoke, and he shouted out to the other people, everyone was out except me and this guy, and he said, "It's only a cigarette, it's not a real fire, just cigarette smoke." So when people heard that, they put the cigarette out, and everyone started coming in, I was sitting in the front seat, and they said, "Oh, the saint, the arahant, the holy enlightened Western monk. Oh, you're so wonderful, you had no fear," not like that the other scalawag monk who ran out and touched all of us. [laughter] That was a wonderful moment for me but to be honest, I wasn't a hero I was just stupid 'cause I didn't know what was going on.

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• The professor's overflowing cup

  In brief: Japan's greatest philosopher, whom no one will debate, decides to debate the most famous meditation monk. Serving tea, the monk keeps…

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  is in that old story of the famous philosopher in Japan many, many years ago. He was a professor not just at one university, but of several universities. And he was so well known. He was the biggest intellectual in the country. And just for a bit of fun, but also for a bit of intellectual stimulation, he would hold these debates with all the other philosophers, but he was so sharp, he was so knowledgeable, that no person would enter into a debate with him because he would always win. And so wondering who to debate next, he thought I will debate a Buddhist monk. They are said to be wise, but they're really stupid; he thought, I'll go and debate the most famous monk in the country and see who wins So he found this monk, this meditation monk and he arranged to have a debate with this monk. And so he went to the monastery with all of his students to debate with this monk, and being in Japan, before the debate actually started. It was the task of the host, the monk, to serve tea to the guest, the professor, and as he was serving tea to the professor, he poured the tea into the cup. And when the cup was full, he carried on pouring and so the water went into the saucer, at which point the professor said to the monk, "My cup is full, you can stop now". But, the monk carried on pouring until it went over to the cup into the saucer over the saucer onto the table, at which point, the Professor thought this monk must be a bit hard of hearing or a bit blind. So, he shouted, "Monk, my cup is full! You can stop now!" At which point, the monk smiled broadly and emptied the whole teapot until it went not just over the cup into the saucer, not just over the saucer onto the table, onto the floor as well! At which point, the professor said, "You stupid monk! I've come all this way to debate with you. And you don't even know how to serve a cup of tea. What an idiot, what a fraud. I wasted my whole time." At which point that monk said, if you haven't heard this story before, it's a great story. He said, "Professor, you are just like this cup. You're so full that no one can pour, any wisdom into you." At which point, the professor went down on his knees and said, "You've won."

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• Chicken or duck?

  In brief: A newly married couple walking home from the temple hear 'quack quack'. She says, 'Darling, that's a chicken.' He says it's a duck —…

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  It's the great old story of the chicken and the duck. If you haven't heard this story before, this is a doozy, this is a great one. Once upon a time there was this couple who had just been married and after going to the temple for a nice talk, it was a beautiful evening so they went on a walk on the way back home. And as they were walking, they heard a sound quack quack quack and straightaway sort of the girl, the wife said: “darling do you hear that? That's a chicken.” I'm glad you laugh because those people who laugh haven't heard the story before, so at least some of you haven't heard the story. “That's a chicken,” and he said “darling that was not a chicken, that was a duck,” and she said “no no I'm sure it was a chicken.” It went quack quack again; “you see that's a chicken,” and he said “Darling, chickens go cockadoodledoo, that went quack quack that means it's a duck okay.” She said “No, I'm sure that was a chicken”. He said “It was a duck”. She said “No no it was a chicken”. He said “It was a duck, d.u.c.k duck”. And then she started to cry, “But, but he's a chicken”. They went quack quack again. Then he suddenly remembered what he'd heard at this temple many many times. He squeezed her hand and said “I apologize darling, I think you're right, it is a chicken”. And she squeezed his hand back and said “thank you”. And then they carried on their walk in peace and had a wonderful evening together.

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