# “If my daughter didn't have those faults…”

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Joke
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-joke-father-in-law-faults
- Themes: marriage, fault-finding, humility, humour
- Life situations: newly married, seeing a partner’s faults, marriage difficulties

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

A newly married man tells his father-in-law that everything his bride does is charming — even how she cleans wax from her ear. The father-in-law warns that in a year or two he'll start seeing her faults, and asks him always to remember: if she didn't have those faults, she'd have married someone much better than him.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

There's one of those great stories that a person who got married and used to say as the father in-law took the daughter-in-law...no the father-in-law took his new son-in-law aside, so you probably love my, my daughter very much. Yes I've just married her, she's beautiful, she's charming, she's wonderful, even the way she puts her finger in her ear to get the wax out is charming. And he said that's what it's like when you get married, everything you do is just loveable. And the father-in-law said but in one or two years time you'll start to see the faults and defects in my daughter but please son-in-law always remember this, always remember if my daughter did not have those faults to begin with, she'd have married someone much better than you.

## Teaching point

You can't expect a perfect partner when you are not perfect; fault-finding drains the joy from relationships.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

The newlywed found even his bride's ear-cleaning charming; her father warned that the faults would show, and that without them she'd have married someone better. It's a joke with a kind sting. None of us is a perfect partner, so we can't demand one. When the little faults start to grate, remember your own and laugh.

## Source

- [Depression | Ajahn Brahm | 25-06-2010](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N_jjY7W_fs) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 5:55 to 6:50: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N_jjY7W_fs&t=355s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Having a Good Relationship with Life | Ajahn Brahm | 9 October 2020](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_3C-49o_78) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 46:10 to 47:35: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_3C-49o_78&t=2770s
- [The Nature of Suffering | Ajahn Brahm | 10 February 2023](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwvMmZICc1Y) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 4:30 to 5:58: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwvMmZICc1Y&t=270s
- [Ultimate Reality | Ajahn Brahm | 5 May 2017](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVdJEqpyuuc) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 42:14 to 43:58: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVdJEqpyuuc&t=2534s
- [What is Freedom | Ajahn Brahm | 3 December 2021](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-B7f0JT25o) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 1:06:19 to 1:07:33: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-B7f0JT25o&t=3979s
- [How to Deal with Sickness | Ajahn Brahm | 29 June 2018](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R620ONlGW2M) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 21:49 to 22:45: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R620ONlGW2M&t=1309s