Stories for parenting
22 Buddhist wisdom stories for parenting from Buddhist teachers, each linked to the original talk.
- Ajahn Liem: easy to trainStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Abbots in the Thai forest tradition greet each other: “How are your monks — are they easy to train?” Visiting Ajahn Liem, Ajahn Chah's successor, Ajahn Brahm asks, and Ajahn Liem…
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a few years ago I went to see the man the monk who took over from aan cha a man called aan Liam very good Monk and I asked him one day when I was visiting Thailand I said how are your monks are they easy to train and he said oh they're just no problem at all to train and the way he said it was such nonchalance I said well what's your trick how do you train your monks when they're so easy to train so very easy if they want to go this way let them go that way if they want to go that way I let them go that way it's so easy to try
- Christopher Nightingale and the tin-can bombStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At age ten, Ajahn Brahm and his chemistry-wizard friend Christopher Nightingale make a bomb in a tin can and set it off in the local park. The park keeper catches them. He…
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I know one of the most stupid things I did as a kid, only 10 years of age, and one of my best friends, I still remember his name, Christopher Nightingale. He was a wizard chemistry and together we made a bomb. We made a bomb in a tin can. And my goodness, it worked. We let it off in the local park. It went bang. And we thought we were so good and so wonderful. I was so proud of just how loud that went. Until the park keeper caught the both of us. We were in big trouble after that. But you know, those were the days when it's just kids being kids. You know, if I made a bomb these days, kids made a bomb these days, they get sent to Guantanamo Bay as terrorists. Those innocent days of my youth. But it was dangerous. I could have killed myself or blown off a hand or something.
- Class A and Class BStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: An English school splits a year group into two classes of exactly equal ability by exam score — only the headmistress and two psychologists know the results — with equally good…
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This was a story of a test which was done in a school in England. Two classes of kids, the end of the year exams, you know, we just done the end of the year exams for our kids in school here in Western Australia. The school year is just finished or about to finish. And it's usually the usual thing is on the basis of the results this year, you know, that's how you'll be graded for, you know, the streams of learning for next year. And there was one school did this really interesting experiment. They had two classes in one year and having done their examination, they never published the results. There was, if I remember correctly, the head mistress and two psychologists were the only ones who knew what scores every kid got. But instead, what they did, they allocated the children as evenly as they possibly could. The kid who came top went in the same class as a kid who came fifth and sixth. No, fourth and fifth. Yeah. Fourth and fifth, 8th and 9th, 12th and 13th, 16th and 17th. They all went in one class. The kids who came second and third, sixth and seventh, 10th and 11th went in the other class. So they split the classes up as evenly as they possibly could. And the head mistress tried to find teachers who she thought were equally good. And they even went as far as to find classrooms with equal facilities. They made everything equal as possible except for one thing. They called one of those classes class A and the other one class B. And they were totally equal in ability based on the exam results. and they wanted to find out what would happen next year. Half of those kids went into class A and they weren't more brilliant, but their parents said, "I don't know how you did it, son. You're in class A. Carry on. Well done." And even the kids who came second and third going into class B. I want you to work harder next year. You know, no more privileges for you, more homework. the the parents thought class B meant the worst and even the teachers taught her to a lower level and the kids be know with her in class B the kids started to believe the class A kids were superior than the class B kids because one year later when they gave the exam again the children in class A did so well as if they were the top half chosen from the year before. And the class B kids did terribly. Literally after one year, half those children became class A children and the other one became class B simply because they gave that label and they believed in it, they became it.
- Hawaiian shirts at funeralsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Early Perth funerals are all black; he wants funeral directors in Hawaiian shirts — kids arrive full of life then learn sadness from black clothes and faces.
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when I first started doing funeral services here in Perth people were always in Black okay now that this some people have white but I want Funeral Directors to start wearing Hawaiian shirts a nice nice dresses or nice clothes not all this miserable stuff which actually makes people more and more depressed because uh to cry cases I've seen kids and kids are great teachers for me children come into these funerals playing around being naughty like children should be and they're full of life and joy and happiness and then they see everybody else just black wearing black and their faces look sort of black as well and these little kids full of life you can see just the the joy of life just go out of them
- Keep the cage door openAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Analogy: lock a bird and when the door finally opens it never returns; leave the door open and comfort inside — it flies and comes back. Power vs freedom in relationships.
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bird in a cage if I were a bird in a cage sooner or later if you keep locking the door and they can't get out sooner or later there's probability eventually that door be left open and that bird will fly away never to come back again alas it's got its freedom that's what happens when you keep a bird in a cage instead if you keep a bird in the cage door is left open bliss a nice cage nice food very comfortable and if the bird does fly away it always come back again
- 'Miss, can we have quiet time now?'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A deputy principal who learned meditation with Ajahn Brahm teaches her Year 6 class 'quiet time' every morning, from five minutes at the start of the year to fifteen or twenty by…
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one of the uh the people who learned meditation with me uh she was a a deputy principal of one of the schools primary schools she's retired about 10 years ago now so it shows you how old the story is but she would uh be teaching meditation in her class of kids and there were year sixes grade sixes and know grade sixes you know they're starting to you know get close to puberty and starting to be a bit Troublesome but she started teaching the meditation from the very beginning of the year now she called it quiet time rather than meditation cuz now meditation is uh looked upon as being Buddhist and for a good reason cuz basically Buddhism invented meditation now we started it off so it has that Association even though that you know anyone can meditate you don't have to be a budhist to meditate and you even some people say that when they sit down meditating at home they the dogs meditate too which is one of the other nice areas they they sit quietly next to you and I'm sure that people who meditate next to their dogs their dogs bark less and they're much quieter maybe that could be could be a study on how to quiet down dogs but the uh she was teaching quiet time starting off with 5 minutes at the beginning of the year and finishing off with 15 or 20 minutes as a group activity which started every morning of the school year and she told actually it wasn't her but it was her principal because I remember going to the school once and obviously having some tea with the principal and he was he was not a Buddhist but he was praising sort of this lady and how that her meditation introduced in this year 60s the changes which he saw happen which was not just the children's intellectual ability increased because their attention was strengthened and but also and their academic uh results increased and he could see this having been a principal looking at it from objective position but also he found out some other things which were happening that the social interaction of the children in that class improve they are more sensitive more compassionate and less aggressive towards each other which was an important part of what happens when you do become more attentive more sensitive just the the mindfulness develops the compassion and the understanding and I remember her giving an example of what happened and many many times she said that sometimes in the class of kids in our modern schools sometimes there'll be some sort of argument or some sort of altercation and usually whether that would be a fight or a big argument now that one of the kids in the class would put up their hand and say Miss can we have quiet time now and when they had quiet time just for 5 minutes just doing a simple relaxation watching the breath calming the Mind down afterwards the altercation finished and there was no sort of big argument or big problem not only that that people were sensitive to each other because of their digital development of meditation year sixes they could actually tell when somebody was in a bad mood or someone was sick or someone was unhappy and because of that they had this beautiful little mini Society in their classroom which had been enhanced by doing a tiny bit of meditation every day
- Mum left him on the High StreetStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a child in London his mother leaves him outside on the High Street while she shops — early lesson in trust, fear and return.
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my mother took me not to the shopping center in London those days were just the High Street
- My father's resolutionStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: His father never spoke of his own father in Liverpool. At 14 or 15 Ajahn Brahm finally gets it out of him: 'Your grandfather was a bastard.' A plumber, he came home drunk almost…
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My father... he was a very kind man. But he would never tell me about my paternal grandfather, my father's dad. And it was frustrating for me every time I asked him, "How was my grandfather like, in Liverpool?" He then asked me, "Be quiet". And then eventually when I was about 14 or 15, I got it out of my dad. I was persistent, "You got to tell me because this is my family. I never saw them because they died during the second World War before I was born. So, how was my paternal grandfather like, and that is when my dad said, please excuse the word, but this is what he said. He said, "Your grandfather was a bastard." He said it was just so much pain in him. That shocked me. I said, "Why?" He said he was not a sexual offender, but a physical offender. He would come home, almost every evening, drunk. He was a plumber. He'd come back drunk, and he'd take off his belt. He'd whip any kid, which you know, he came across. And then he would start beating his wife, my dad's mum. My dad often said that, the pain of just the end of the belt for no reason at all, just my father was drunk. That would never hurt as much as seeing his mother beaten, for no reason at all. He said that really hurt, because he could do nothing to help someone he loved, my paternal grandmother, whom I never saw. But why I say this story for is what my father did about that. He was a child at the time, he could do nothing, except to make this resolution. He told me, he shared it with me this time. He said, "When I was at the end of a beating for no reason, just because my father was drunk, I made this resolution that if ever I survive and have kids myself; and of course he did, me and my brother. If ever I survive, I will never ever do that to my kids. I won't use corporal punishment at all. I'd always remember that. Because I remember several times, brother and I were naughty, just ordinary kids. And sometimes, he'd come into our bedroom with a slipper. He just couldn't do it. He'd just put the slipper down and walked out, because he remembered just what it was like for him.
- Only tell them to do what they want to doAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: From the Chinese Art of War: a general whose soldiers never disobey — because he only ever tells them to do what they want to do. Motivation and inspiration come first; then…
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I read that uh years before in a book called the Chinese art of war. You ask what's a Buddhist monk doing reading a book called the Chinese art of war because they had lots and lots of very wise sayings in there. It was not just about you know violence. One of the generals in the Chinese army had perfect discipline and the emperor wanted to find out why. And how come everyone follows your instructions? Now any one of you in a management position in your life, please remember this is how to have good management skills. He said, "All my soldiers always follow my orders because I only ever tell them to do what they want to do. That's why they never disobey an order. Only tell them to do what they want to do." Of course, that doesn't make sense. How can you tell people to get up early in the morning? How do you tell people to go out and train really hard? How do you tell your soldiers to go into battle even though many of them will get injured or even killed? How can you get them to follow orders like that? And he said because he's already motivated them, inspired them. So even before the bell goes off in the morning, they're raring waiting to get get up and do something good. There's that motivation. Give them a reason for doing what they're doing. And if you give them that reason, of course, they will do what they want. They'll get up earlier than you expect. They'll train even harder. They'll go in there. I don't know why how you can convince them to give their lives, but many people do that
- Telling the kids what their dad got up toStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visiting his brother, Ajahn Brahm tells his young nephew and niece about all the naughty things their father did at their age; fascinated, they beg for more. Their dad walks in:…
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I did that to my brother once I was visiting him he had you know a son and a daughter they're about you know six and eight or something and I still my brother was doing something else in his house and I started talking about to my nephew and niece what my brother got up to when he was their age all the naughty things he did and they were really fascinated tell us some more about our dad because he never tells us that foreign and then he came into the room he said what are you telling my children I've been doing all these years trying to teach them not to do those things which he did himself and I knew because I was there at the time
- The 'hopeless at maths' boy who came topStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a young schoolteacher, Ajahn Brahm is told a boy in his maths class is hopeless — he came bottom of three or four classes the year before. For the school year Ajahn Brahm…
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another case this was from this time I was a school teacher I love doing experiments some of them were maybe not fair but they were worth it because there was a kid in my maths class and the teachers told me he's hopeless at Mass he came bottom the year before of those about three or four classes in this school now is his math teacher for one year so I decided to find out whether it was because he can't do maths or there was some other reason so for 12 months I don't know nine months of the school year after every lesson I'd ask him did you understand that give him extra attention praise him when he got the thing right go to his desk you know doing the exercises and give him a bit of a hand really just give him special attention I say it was unfair because I never gave that attention to any other child in the class just this one boy because I wanted to see whether it was a case that a person just cannot do math or because they believe they can't do it and of course it was a second case because at the end of the year that boy came top I moved him from bottom to top just by giving him a belief
- The boy who stretched his seedlingsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: One of Ajahn Brahm's first meditation teachers recalls planting seeds with his father at five or six. After three days with nothing showing he complains; his father explains the…
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there's a story of one of my first meditation teachers in Thailand he told me I usually tell this on the meditation Retreats not usually on a Friday night he told me when I was starting out my meditation career that when he was a young boy in Thailand that his father gave him some seeds to grow in the garden he was only about five six years of age and this was the first time he grew anything so this little five or six put his little seeds with the help of his father underneath the ground underneath the soil and he would water them every day after 3 or 4 days he saw no result said where are my plants where my flowers is three days now can't see anything his father had to tell him that when you have seeds when the water gets to them they germinate they split the seed a little green shoe comes out it's probably under the ground right now pushing its way to the surface just wait for a little while and you'll see a shoot be patient and he took his father's advice and fortunately at the end of two days a tiny green shoot was appearing above the Earth so so he decided to water those flowers two times a day he was getting excited and those flowers grew grew grew until about 2 in high and that's when he lost his patience he decided to stretch them to make them grow faster and he killed every one of them but he learned a wonderful lesson you can't stretch nature nature takes its time to grow
- “The door of my house will always be open to you”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Remembering his father, dead almost 50 years, at a Thai New Year merit ceremony: when he was 13, his poor father stopped his old green second-hand car near Churchfield Road in…
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At least I remembered my mother and especially my father just how much he taught me. Even though he's been dead 50 years now, actually 50 years next month. I'll never forget him, never will. Especially some of the beautiful things he said to me. One of which was that great story which fits in here. Taking me aside in his old second-hand, just about managing to go, car, it would probably be banned from the roads if it was on the roads in West Australia these days. He was a very poor man. Taking me aside, I still remember the place, in Acton, just off Churchfield Road, I remember it just to this day. I'm looking at it now, even the colour of the car was green. And he stopped the car, turned around to me and he said, son, whatever happens to you in your life; I was about 13 at the time. whatever happens to you in your life, however you turn out, please I want you to remember this. You know I did remember this so clearly. He said, whatever you do in your life, wherever you go, however you turn out, the door of my house will always be open to you. It will always be open to you. I'll never shut the door in your face. You always welcome. Only 13. Didn't really understand how deep that meaning was. Only later on when you became a monk. One of the nice things about being a monk or a nun, especially as the young monk or nun, you have so much time, you can reflect, figure things out, understand what these things mean. And that's where, in Thailand, I remembered that and understood what it meant was the door of his heart was open to me. Not his house, his heart. Oh that was such a beautiful, beautiful teaching. It was unconditional love. Telling me, son, whatever you do, you turn out to be a criminal, you turn out to be something which most people will be embarrassed about, but not me. The door of my heart is always open to you. You're my son, that's enough. Whatever you do.
- The emperor's three questionsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm summarises the short story (by Tolstoy) that changed his life: an emperor, fed up with organised religion, decides he needs only the answers to three questions — When…
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There was an emperor who was fed up with organised religions, none of it made sense to him. And all the people teaching those religions were so hypocritical. They told him to do things they didn't do themselves. So he rejected organised religions. And being an emperor, he thought "Why don't I find my own religion?" So, he got the wise people, the impressive people, he talked with them, investigated, and he finally came down to his three questions, thinking, "If only I could find the answer to these three questions, I'd have all the religion and spirituality which I needed in my life." And the three questions were, "When is the most important time? Who is the most important person? And the what is the most important thing to do?" The when, the who, the what. Now I know that many of you have heard this story before, but there are many people who haven't heard this story before. And those who haven't heard this story before, I want you to think about those three questions and what you think the answers are. If you've heard the story before, please don't spoil my fun, be quiet. Because there's a point to this. So, those were the emperor's three questions. He eventually found the answers in an unexpected source. But what are the answers? When is the most important time? Christmas time? Vesak? Friday evening when you finish work? When is the most important time? Come on. "Now". Correct, exactly. It's the most important time. So when should you say "sorry"? "Now" so turn around and say sorry to your partner for what you've done. When is the most important time to say you love your parents? Now. Please don't wait till tomorrow or this evening. Because you know, what happens? So often it happens the moment passes, you don't have that opportunity, to say how much you care for someone. You find they're dead, or they've gone overseas. Now you may think that's, such a simple and obvious answer. But if you practise that, if you take that on as one of the most important parts of your life, that 'now' really is the most important time. It really is; You'll find that your relationship to others, your relationship to life will totally change. For many people, "now" is not the most important time. We sacrifice too many moments of "now"; getting things out of the way, and then I'll be happy. For many people, "now" is not really important. That's why we get so old and all the things we should have done, we find we haven't done. Now is the most important time But the second question is the best. Who is the most important person? Yeah, can I hear you? Ah you are spoiling it. You've read it before. Most people when I say this, if they haven't heard it before, they all say "themselves", which is a wrong answer. We are in a such a self-centred society. We always think that I am the most important person in the world, which is totally wrong. And the answer, that's what I thought, first of all, because that's what I've been taught, come on, you are important. You make sure, that you get what you want. Your relationship, what satisfies you, your job which you really want What you really deserve in life. You go for it, you go and get it, you're really important. But the answer someone suggested was 'the person you're with'. The one in front of you is the most important person in the world. As soon as I heard that, this is what I mean by wisdom. You understand it. Why didn't I see that before? It is important. So whoever is in front of you, they are the most important person in the world. Give them that importance. And of course, as soon as I point that out, you know what I'm talking about, because how many times have you been talking with your partner and they've been ignoring you. They're not giving you a sense of importance. They are trying to get rid of you. I remember just when I was a student, when I read this story for the first time, Sometimes at the end of a lecture, I got up to the lecturer to ask a question. He wasn't listening to me; he was just trying to get rid of me. I was a small, hairy, insignificant student. He had better things to do. And that was a terrible feeling. That you're asking a question, and the other person was just trying to get rid of you. You weren't important to them. And if that happens to you too many times, you lose all your self-esteem, you get depressed. And you don't need to do that. So ever since I read that, and when I become a monk, one of the core practices, which I really try hard to live by, is even though I may be really tired, and you come up after the talk, and you want to ask a question, you are really important to me. I don't try and get rid of you, even if I'm really tired, because I try and practice; if you're right in front of me and I'm talking to you, you are the most important person in the world. And it's important for that. And there are many times in your life, you're by yourself. And of course, then, who you're with? You're with yourself. And then you're really important. So important that I said here before, whenever I go to bed at night, the last person I say goodnight to is myself. And I say that, "Good night me. Have a great night. See you in the morning." When I wake up in the morning, "Hi, good morning, here I am again. Have a great day me." That's no joke, I do that. I'm not crazy. And that actually is just showing that I'm important to me. Instead of just "No, you're not really important. So just sacrifice yourself, for the company, for your partner, for your kids, for other people." No, don't do that. So when you're by yourself, you are the most important person in the world. When you're with somebody, they're the most important person. And the last question, "What's the most important thing to do?" It's a obvious Buddhist answer, 'is to care', to care for yourself, to care for others.
- The honey and the milkStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In parallel supermarket checkout aisles, at almost the same moment, one child drops a jar of honey and another drops a carton of milk — two big messes. One mother says, “You…
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And this was an example of the two children at the supermarket checkout, they were in parallel lanes. And almost exactly the same time, one child took out a carton of milk from the trolley, and he dropped it on the ground, and it went "splat" all over the floor, making a whole mess. And his mum said, "you stupid child". Almost exactly the same time in the parallel aisle, another child, they picked up the jar of honey. And it was slippy they dropped it. And they went "smash" all over the floor. But that mother, because she must have come to the Buddhist Society in Nollamara. That mother, she didn't say, "you stupid child". She said, "that was a stupid thing you did." And we emphasise the huge difference between those two responses. Now, if you examine it, you call, that's your "stupid child", it's as if they are totally stupid. They're, like, totally sort of corrupt, that when they were made, there must be some genetic malfunction that they are actually stupid. They're permanently stained with stupidity. And that's that first child. And many of you can recognise, such reactions when you make a mistake, and someone calls you stupid, someone calls you dumb. Someone calls you all these things. And what they're saying is, you're fatally flawed. There's nothing worth redeeming in you. And you know what it's like when that happens to you. You feel totally diminished, totally hopeless. You lose all your self esteem and that's no way to bring up a child. The other child received "that was a stupid thing you did". You're not a stupid kid. But, you had a moment of stupidity. And what that means is that you're recognising the truth, that was the sort of a silly thing to do to pick up that jar of honey making it all slippy. But, you're not a stupid person. There's more to you than that.
- The only one who knew the answerJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A boy tells his dad he was the only one in class who knew the right answer today. Surprised — usually it's detention — the proud father gives him $20. As the boy leaves, Dad…
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Of course it's a joke about the kid who came home from school and he told, his dad said, “How did you go at school today, Son?” and his son said, “Dad,today teacher asked a question, “and I was the only one in class who knew the right answer,” and the father was both surprised and impressed, say, “Usually you get detention, usually you get extra homework, “just how come today, you know, you did so well?” and he said, “Oh well, I just knew the right answer, Dad.” Dad said, “I'm so proud of you,” and gave him a $20 note as a reward, trying to encourage him to be smart in the future. So as the kid took the $20 and walked out of the room, the dad said, “Oh, by the way, what question did your teacher ask?” “Who broke the window in the classroom?”
- The Pinjarra girl who fed the tiger snakeStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Elder in a Pinjarra home recalls: a little girl takes a saucer of milk under the stumped house each morning for a tiger snake. Mother finds out; father says leave it — next day…
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old people's home in Pinara and because they didn't get any visitors and seeing a monk in there was great you know this old old uh people and one of them told me this wonderful story I don't know how many years ago this would have been maybe 60 or 70 years ago when he saw this he was a young man at the time and this was about 30 years ago. He told me this story and he was you know in the old people's home now so maybe even older but he said that in that area in Pinter one of his friends you know living in one of these simple old houses and saw a um uh he had a daughter maybe four or five years of age and the daughter would ask the mother for a source of milk every morning and the mother you know they thought milk was going to be very healthy for the kid and asking for something We give the daughter a saucer of milk. Now why not a glass? She said no a saucer please. So after a while mom being very busy decided you know what's why does she want a saucer? Why does she drink it you know in the kitchen? Why does she take it outside? And so she followed her little five or six year old daughter and saw the five or sixyear-old daughter place the saucer of milk just on the foot of the house. you know, the the houses on stumps, raised on stumps, just and call out to whatever was living underneath the house. And a big tiger snake came out. And of course, the daughter was only a maybe a foot away from the tiger snake. And the mother freaked out because the tiger snakes were deadly, as many of you know, and her daughter was so close. And the daughter was feeding this tiger snake every day with a saucer of milk. And so she froze and waited for the snake to drink the milk and then slither away and told her her husband the next that evening. And the husband said, "I'll look after this. No need to do anything. Just give our daughter the source of milk tomorrow." Which she did. And so the little girl, five or six years of age, it went outside the house, put the source of milk down, and called out to its friend, the tiger snake. And the tiger snake slithered out. And just before it drank the milk, its head was blasted off by her father's gun, killed right in front of the girl. From that day on, the girl refused to eat. There's nothing they could do to make it to eat. And this old man said, you know, he called it she started ftting. Never heard that word in that context before. Was ftting and ftting. Eventually, she had to be admitted into the local hospital. But even the local hospital couldn't help her and she died in the hospital. Just so much sadness. so much trauma of seeing this snake killed right in front of her. And this old digger said the father might as well shot her daughter's head off at the time
- The Taiwanese school quieter than a cemeteryStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Visiting a large traditional school in Taiwan, Ajahn Brahm thinks it must be a holiday because there is no sound — even cemeteries are louder. There are about 1,600 pupils.…
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Even I visited one Taiwanese school. You know, it was the the ancient tradition. And when I went there to this big school in Taiwan, I thought it was a holiday or they had some sort of day off school. Cuz when I went in there, there wasn't a sound to be heard. Even cemeteries are louder than that school. And I found there was about 1,600 pupils there. You can never go into a school in Australia that's quiet. They're always noisy. They're always alive.
- The tree and the childStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A tree gives a boy twigs for a treehouse, fruit for university and a wedding, branches for a house, then its trunk for a carpentry business; years later the old man returns only…
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There was this huge tree: mature, big, full of green leaves, in a forest close by to where a child lived. And the child would spend many days on the weekend and holidays climbing up that tree because it had these low branches you could climb up very easily, sitting in the tree, sort of playing games in the tree because he went up into that tree so often, the tree actually... I'm always a poser. (LAUGHTER) Thank you. The tree...(LAUGHTER) You may as well have fun in life. The nuns, as well! You want one just of me? I'm just fed up now. (LAUGHTER) So the tree, you know, many times I've taught retreats and a couple of times on the retreat, there have been supermodels... It's true. I was teaching this retreat over in Kuala Lumpur, and they told me this very famous Malaysian supermodel was on my retreat. And, you know, she looked really nice apparently, but she got very fed up at the end of the retreat, and she complained at the end of the retreat because at the end of the retreat, no one wanted to take a photograph of her; they only wanted to take photographs of me. (LAUGHTER) I don't know why she got upset of that. That's true story; they told me she was really pissed off. And I can't understand why people want to take photographs of me Anyway, but never mind there we go. Anyway back to the tree. So there was this tree and the kid used to love climbing it and one day, the little child thought it would be nice if I could do something more in this tree and you know, this tree trees are beings, you can't just say that, you know, haven't got any consciousness; the tree could communicate with this little kid and say why don't you take some of my branches and build a little treehouse? And the kid got this idea and built this really nice little tree house up in the tree. And even though it meant breaking off twigs, the tree was actually quite happy that, you know its friend—this little kid— could make a wonderful tree house in the top of the tree or in the middle of the tree. He could spend even more time in the tree because the tree actually loved this little kid. And so the kid would play and spend a lot of time in the little tree house. And after awhile, you know, the kid had to go to school and he spent less and less time in the tree, and the tree house started to fall apart, and the tree was actually quite sad. Then, one day, the kid came back again, but now he was a teenager and the tree said, "Oh, thank you, you're coming back again. Look! Even the old tree house is falling apart, but there's many other branches; you can make another tree house; a bigger one now you've grown up." And the kid said to the tree —the tree could understand the kid— He said, "No, I don't need a tree house anymore; I'm too big for that now. I'm going to university soon and I can't really afford it. I don't know what to do." And the tree said, "Look, there's lots and lots of fruit coming soon because I'm coming to that point where I'm going to make lots of fruit. I'm going to make lots for you so please take the fruit, and go and sell it, and with the money you make from the fruit you can actually go and pay your university fees." So the tree put forth extra effort that year and got so much fruit and the kid collected all of it, picked every last fruit, and went to sell it, and that was how he managed to get into that first year of university. And every year afterwards, the tree got more fruit every year, really putting more effort, and that's the way the kid got through university. And that really tired out the tree. And after the fourth year, the kid came back again and the tree said, "Do you want some more fruit?" He said, "I'm in big trouble now," He said, "I'm going to get married and I don't know how on earth I'm going to pay for all of this." And the tree said, "Look, we're friends. I've known you since you were small. I'm going to get double fruit this year. You just come back in a few weeks and just see." And this poor tree put every bit of energy and effort and life it had to get so much fruit, and it almost killed it to produce so much fruit. But the kid came along and it was so much fruit, he collected it all, sold it all and had enough money to actually to get married. And afterwards, the poor tree was actually badly injured, wounded; it lost all its energy just working so hard to make more fruit than it really should have done. But nevertheless, the tree was happy; it helped its friend. But as for the kid, didn't come back again for two or three years. When he did come back, he said, "I need something more now: I'm going to have a baby soon, I need a house. And the tree said, "I can't produce any more fruit; I was damaged producing that double fruit last time," "But," said the tree, "I've got these very big branches, take those branches and build yourself a house." And the kid thought, "But it will really damage you," He said, "No, no, I really would want you to have these branches. Come tomorrow with a saw; take this one and this one—these are very big branches lots of very strong wood; you can build a wonderful house. So the kid came the next day and saw most of the big branches off the tree. Without those branches couldn't have any twigs, couldn't have any leaves, couldn't have any fruit— that almost killed that tree. But the tree was very happy; managed to supply this beautiful wood so the friend could build a house for their family. Never saw the kid for another four or five years, and the tree was half-dead, anyway. But the kid came back again, now about 30, and said, "Tree, I hate to say this but I need something more from you: I'm starting a business now, carpentry business, making furniture— can I please take your trunk?" And the tree said, "That's all I've got left, but I'll be so happy to give it to you because I really care for you; I want you to do well in life. You got a kid. You got a family. You do need something to feed your kids and look after your family and buy things for them and send them to good schools. Come and take my trunk; it's very good; it's really strong inside." So the next day, the kid sawed the trunk of the tree, took it away and started his business. And the tree never saw him for about 30, 40 years. You know just because you take the trunk down doesn't mean the tree dies. You know we had a Bodhi Tree at Bodhinyana, and we had a big fire in 1991, and we thought the tree had died. For 3 years, nothing was happening, and I really thought it had gone. And after 3 years being dormant, it started to put forth shoots; the roots underground was very obviously damaged by the huge bushfire, but was still alive, still had a bit of energy left, and built up that energy, waiting for the 3 years before it could put forth shoots. The tree's still there now many years later. So, many years later, the old child came again; he was an old man now. And he said, "I've just come back here for nostalgia; remember all those wonderful days I had when I was a young, kid climbing up you. I remember all those wonderful things which you helped me with: you gave me your twigs to make a nice little tree house —I had so much fun making the tree house and living in you; I remember all the fruit you gave me to go to university; the incredible amount of fruit you gave me, which almost killed you, so I could get married; and the branches which I made my house out of and even the trunk which made me have a business which was quite successful." He said, "But now I haven't come to ask you for anything." The tree said, "Pretty good job because there's nothing else to give." (LAUGHTER) "But, I just come to say thank you; I've had a wonderful life thanks to you." And the old tree said, "Actually, I have still got something to give you: you're very old now and you need to rest. Lay down your head on my roots and I can just support you just for a few more times." So the kid, now an old man, laid his head on the roots of this tree, which had helped him all his life, and fell into a nice, quiet sleep, and the tree was so happy. That is a simile— the tree stands for your parents, your mom and dad, who will give everything for you, Just like the tree gave little twigs so the kid could build a little tree house— how many of you have had little children and they climb all over you, pulling your hair, putting their feet in your mouth or whatever it is, and you love it; you're just so happy to have your kids just play with you. And then, later on, when they go to university you just work so hard, saving money, getting loans from the bank which you can't really afford, just to make sure they get a good education. When they get married— last Sunday, I performed two marriage services, and you see the parents just so proud; they'd give anything just to see their daughter, their son, just so happy. And the tree would give just twice as much fruit as it could possibly afford because it just loved seeing the children happy. And, of course, building a house— where did your deposit come from for many of you? Your mom and dad, even though it's their superannuation they cash it in for you, help you with your business all your life. And in the end, all they really want is for you to lay down your head on their lap because they will love you forever; no matter what you ask for, even if it kills them, they give it to you. That tree are your parents and you are that little boy; you are that student; you are that boy about to get married, wanting a house, starting a job, Just wanting a rest— they're just so happy just to see you. That is my wonderful simile of giving. What did the tree get out of that? It just get cut down and killed but did the tree ever want anything else? Just to be able to give. That is my answer when people say, "Oh, I don't get anything back in return except shit when I give." Exactly! That is why we give; that is a joy of giving; that is the wonderful thing about sacrificing, giving to people you love, you care for —and that can be anyone— you don't expect anything back in return; in fact, if you do get something back in return, it's not giving, it's business
- The tribe that praises the wrongdoerStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm recounts an email about a tribe untouched by other cultures: when someone does wrong — steals or hits someone — he stands in the centre of a circle of the whole…
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somebody sent me this interesting email the other day and it was some tribe which has you know been totally untainted by other cultures that in this try when anybody makes a mistake or does anything wrong or bad like steals or hit somebody or he stands in the center of this circle and all the members of the tribe stand around him he's done something bad but do they punish him no for two or three days he has to stand in the middle and they all tell him wonderful things about himself what a great person he is for three days when he's done something wrong
- They had all watched a hangingStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Answering a teacher in Q&A: over a hundred years ago, when hangings in England were public, someone (a psychologist, he says) went through Bristol jail and questioned 60 or 70…
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there was a study done over a hundred years ago and the tie was in done in Bristol Bristol jail in England where that time executions hangings were public but hang people didn't leave no square or something and this person a psychologist or went through the jail and other hadley 6070 people on death row about to be hunt they don't have sort of stays of execution in those days no lawyers played a lot of money which he got so committed to death usually ended up dying huh so brother 60 people he found out that almost all of them had actually witnessed a public hanging conclude it wasn't a deterrent at all
- Training dolphins, training husbandsStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: From a psychology magazine: a PhD student studying how marine parks train dolphins — throw a fish whenever it jumps an inch higher, never punish — realises the same method works…
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the story of that woman I read in the psychology magazine who was doing a PhD and psychology and her subject was how they train dolphins in these Marine Parks you know to play water poloo to jump through these hoops and she found out that the way they do this is if that dolphin jumps an inch higher you throw the dolphin a fish positive reinforcement if it doesn't jump you don't hit it you don't get angry at the Dolphin you just wait until it jumps 2 in and then it gets another fish so every time it gets incrementally closer to what you want that dolphin to do that's when you throw another fish to the dolphin incremental positive reinforcement now this woman I I really kicked myself for not keeping that article because that this was one wise woman she went to her supervisor at University and got permission to change her thesis because she realized she had this wonderful Insight the very same technique which they used to teach Dolphins at these Marine Parks could be used on her husband so she got permission from her supervisor to change the thesis instead of how to train dolphins how to train husbands it's a brilliant piece of advice and it's practical too how do you do this it's Works them as how you train train wives or how do you train girlfriends or Partners or people in your office whenever they do something wrong they irritate you ignore it don't do anything but when they do something you like which is not irritating that's when you throw them a fish metaphorically that is in other words you give them some sort of positive feedback and of course that actually works and in her article the one part I remember she said one of the most irritating parts of you know her of her relationship with her husband and many of you may be able to relate to this in the morning when they were both getting ready to go to work he could never find his tie and he know wife was know trying to get ready to go to work too and she has to dress up much more than a guy does and she you know darling have you seen my tie can you help me find my tie it's only a small thing like that but you know that every morning that really irritates you you're trying to get ready and here's this stupid guy and he can't even remember where he put his own clothes and she would always get very angry and irritated at him for this and so she tried the throwing the fish method so when he couldn't find his tie where's my tie D could you help me find my tie he would ignore it she would ignore it she wouldn't get irritated she wouldn't complain she would just totally ignore it and go around her task and of course eventually he'd find his tie himself and that's when she would stop what she was doing and give him a big hug and kiss oh well done darling that was throwing the fish and you may laugh but this was very very effective in a couple of months she said he never asked me now he just finds his own stuff and now I'm free in the morning to do what I like to do instead of of helping this guy