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Story · Ajahn Brahm

My father's resolution

As told by Ajahn Brahm in The Fault Finding Mind | Ajahn Brahm | 7 May 2021

2 min read

Content note: domestic violence and child abuse (his grandfather); alcoholism

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

My father... he was a very kind man. But he would never tell me about my paternal grandfather, my father's dad. And it was frustrating for me every time I asked him, "How was my grandfather like, in Liverpool?" He then asked me, "Be quiet". And then eventually when I was about 14 or 15, I got it out of my dad. I was persistent, "You got to tell me because this is my family. I never saw them because they died during the second World War before I was born. So, how was my paternal grandfather like, and that is when my dad said, please excuse the word, but this is what he said. He said, "Your grandfather was a bastard." He said it was just so much pain in him. That shocked me. I said, "Why?" He said he was not a sexual offender, but a physical offender. He would come home, almost every evening, drunk. He was a plumber. He'd come back drunk, and he'd take off his belt. He'd whip any kid, which you know, he came across. And then he would start beating his wife, my dad's mum. My dad often said that, the pain of just the end of the belt for no reason at all, just my father was drunk. That would never hurt as much as seeing his mother beaten, for no reason at all. He said that really hurt, because he could do nothing to help someone he loved, my paternal grandmother, whom I never saw. But why I say this story for is what my father did about that. He was a child at the time, he could do nothing, except to make this resolution. He told me, he shared it with me this time. He said, "When I was at the end of a beating for no reason, just because my father was drunk, I made this resolution that if ever I survive and have kids myself; and of course he did, me and my brother. If ever I survive, I will never ever do that to my kids. I won't use corporal punishment at all. I'd always remember that. Because I remember several times, brother and I were naughty, just ordinary kids. And sometimes, he'd come into our bedroom with a slipper. He just couldn't do it. He'd just put the slipper down and walked out, because he remembered just what it was like for him.

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 1:09:42 (to 1:12:27)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

Ajahn Brahm's father grew up with a drunken, violent father in Liverpool and vowed never to hit his own children. Sometimes he'd come in with a slipper, then just put it down and walk out. If you've been hurt, you can still choose to end it with you. That's how pain can become something beautiful.

In brief (our summary)

His father never spoke of his own father in Liverpool. At 14 or 15 Ajahn Brahm finally gets it out of him: 'Your grandfather was a bastard.' A plumber, he came home drunk almost every night, whipped any child he met with his belt, then beat his wife. Worse than the belt, his father said, was seeing his mother beaten and being unable to help. As a boy he resolved that if he survived and had children he would never hit them. And when Ajahn Brahm and his brother were naughty, their father would come in with a slipper — and just put it down and walk out.

Teaching point

Even abuse can be turned into something beautiful: a resolution never to pass it on.

When this story may help

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in The Fault Finding Mind | Ajahn Brahm | 7 May 2021 · 2021-05-07 · ▶ watch from 1:09:42 to 1:12:27 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

7 other tellings of this story

Caption notes: Manual (volunteer) captions; occasional misspellings kept as is.

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

  • Telling the kids what their dad got up to

    In brief: Visiting his brother, Ajahn Brahm tells his young nephew and niece about all the naughty things their father did at their age; fascinated,…

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    I did that to my brother once I was visiting him he had you know a son and a daughter they're about you know six and eight or something and I still my brother was doing something else in his house and I started talking about to my nephew and niece what my brother got up to when he was their age all the naughty things he did and they were really fascinated tell us some more about our dad because he never tells us that foreign and then he came into the room he said what are you telling my children I've been doing all these years trying to teach them not to do those things which he did himself and I knew because I was there at the time

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  • The tribe that praises the wrongdoer

    In brief: Ajahn Brahm recounts an email about a tribe untouched by other cultures: when someone does wrong — steals or hits someone — he stands in…

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    somebody sent me this interesting email the other day and it was some tribe which has you know been totally untainted by other cultures that in this try when anybody makes a mistake or does anything wrong or bad like steals or hit somebody or he stands in the center of this circle and all the members of the tribe stand around him he's done something bad but do they punish him no for two or three days he has to stand in the middle and they all tell him wonderful things about himself what a great person he is for three days when he's done something wrong

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  • “The door of my house will always be open to you”

    In brief: Remembering his father, dead almost 50 years, at a Thai New Year merit ceremony: when he was 13, his poor father stopped his old green…

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    At least I remembered my mother and especially my father just how much he taught me. Even though he's been dead 50 years now, actually 50 years next month. I'll never forget him, never will. Especially some of the beautiful things he said to me. One of which was that great story which fits in here. Taking me aside in his old second-hand, just about managing to go, car, it would probably be banned from the roads if it was on the roads in West Australia these days. He was a very poor man. Taking me aside, I still remember the place, in Acton, just off Churchfield Road, I remember it just to this day. I'm looking at it now, even the colour of the car was green. And he stopped the car, turned around to me and he said, son, whatever happens to you in your life; I was about 13 at the time. whatever happens to you in your life, however you turn out, please I want you to remember this. You know I did remember this so clearly. He said, whatever you do in your life, wherever you go, however you turn out, the door of my house will always be open to you. It will always be open to you. I'll never shut the door in your face. You always welcome. Only 13. Didn't really understand how deep that meaning was. Only later on when you became a monk. One of the nice things about being a monk or a nun, especially as the young monk or nun, you have so much time, you can reflect, figure things out, understand what these things mean. And that's where, in Thailand, I remembered that and understood what it meant was the door of his heart was open to me. Not his house, his heart. Oh that was such a beautiful, beautiful teaching. It was unconditional love. Telling me, son, whatever you do, you turn out to be a criminal, you turn out to be something which most people will be embarrassed about, but not me. The door of my heart is always open to you. You're my son, that's enough. Whatever you do.

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  • Mum left him on the High Street

    In brief: As a child in London his mother leaves him outside on the High Street while she shops — early lesson in trust, fear and return.

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    my mother took me not to the shopping center in London those days were just the High Street

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