Stories for bereavement
13 Buddhist wisdom stories for bereavement from Buddhist teachers, each linked to the original talk.
- “Don't you ever take away my suffering”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: At a grief and loss seminar at Observation City, Ajahn Brahm teaches his 'concert' way of letting go of grief: his father's 16 years with him were like a beautiful concert — be…
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when I went to a pain and loss conference many years ago, and there was a person, they were very…, her daughter was one of the, the victims of the Claremont killer. Anyway, after I gave her some really nice advice about how to let go of her pains, she came up to me, and she, nose to nose almost, she was so angry, she said, “How dare you try to take away my grief??”
- 'George, you stupid man'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A woman who came to the Perth centre always belittled her husband in public — 'George, come over here. George, you stupid man.' Ajahn Brahm felt sorry for George, bullied and…
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There's this lady who's to come here and she would always she would always just embarrass her husband every time they came here. And I think, "Sir, I don't somebody may remember." It was It's George, George, come over here. George, you stupid man. George, George. And I always felt so sorry for George. And he was intimidated, he was bullied, he was harassed. And eventually, she passed away. When she passed away, I asked George afterwards, "Oh, you must be so relieved." He says, "No, I miss her so much." It's amazing what we get attached to.
- Paṭācārā, who lost everythingStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Paṭācārā, from a good family, runs away with her low-born lover. Pregnant, she tries to return to her parents to give birth but delivers on the way; the second time too. Her…
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But I always tell them about one of the greatest nuns that ever was. Her name was Patara. And her story was that she'd run away with her lover. She came from a very good family. Her lover I think was just a lowborn. But they loved each other were both very good. And eventually she had a child and they thought if they go back to their parents' house, you know, when they just let themelves or let them her give birth in her parents' house, that would actually make the parents a bit more amunable to her husband. But they she gave birth on the way. So they went straight back to their village. And so they tried that a second time. And again she gave a like a few days premature birth and I was in the forest and after the new baby was born. Her husband who you know just really looked after her, loved her to bits, went looking for some wood to keep her warm and took a piece of wood but it was a snake and the snake bit him and he died. So, so she'd just given birth to her second child and now she lost her husband, Snakebite. So, she decided she had to go back to see her parents. No husband had died. She had two kids. But then she had to cross a big stream which was in flood and she had like a two or three year old kid and a new baby. What should she do? So she put the baby or she put the the told the new kid no told her two or three year old son you wait on this bank and I'll wade across the stream with the new baby and then I'll put the baby down on the other side and come for you and if I if you see me waving or something then just come straight away. So she got across the stream with her new kid, put the kid down sort of in a safe place on the dry bank, and then waited back again to get her elder son. But as she was midstream, she saw a big eagle come and swoop on her little baby. And of course, she was frantic. She waved her hands around trying to scare the bird away. But instead, the bird wasn't scared. She was in the middle of the stream. So, the bird took away her baby. And her 2-year-old kid thought mommy was calling him and weded into the river and got swept away. So, now she lost two kids. And if that wasn't bad enough, when she was trying to make her way back to her village that she heard from somebody there had been a big storm in that village the night before and her two parents had been killed in the storm. She'd lost her two children, parents and her husband on the same day. Now you can imagine what grief does to you. She went mad, crazy. She didn't know what to do, where to go. But eventually, she wandered into the temple totally naked and screaming her head off. And she when she walked into the temple, the Buddha was giving a sermon. And so people there at the edge of the the crowd, the congregation, the audience said, "You can't come in here. You're badly dressed. you're crazy. But the Buddha said, "No, let her in." You know, she was a young woman, you know, just given birth to a couple of children, maybe in her 20ies, and the Buddha out of kindness said, "Let her in." And one of the monks got his robe and put it around her so she was a little bit more uh decent. And that was the start of Patara's um entry into being a a nun. And one of the reasons I tell that story as a great tragedy, great grief. But then that nun became one of the most famous teachers in the whole of the nuns community. cuz this is just not what other people tell me cuz I remember just reading all these stories of great nuns in the time of the Buddha. And I think many of you may be able to relate to this. Sometimes you've been meditating and meditating and meditating and practicing going on retreats but sometimes you're getting nowhere. You feel my meditation a brah talks about these nimitas and janna and stuff like that. I've got nowhere near that. Why not? And this was some of the nuns were like that. And then they said, you know, in their little record of their enlightenment that this great nun came and taught them how to meditate. And they were just enlightened within a few days. And that nun's name was Patara. That was her amazing teacher.
- Peter already knew — Mom had just visitedStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Peter in Australia answers the phone: sister says Mom's dead. He already knows and is not upset — Mom's mind-made form had just visited, smiling, giving love one last time across…
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having a cup of tea, Peter, and then telephone rang. Answered the telephone. Good. He says, "Sister, Peter, we've got some bad news for you." Yeah, I know. Mom's dead. What? How do you know? How come you're not upset? That's when Peter told his sister that his mom had just visited him. It's important you can't do that in just 1 second all the way from UK. It's a mile away in Australia in 1 second or less than that. He just was there, clear, just smiling, giving the love to him one last time
- 'Please tell Julie how much I love her'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A doctor who attends the Buddhist Society told Ajahn Brahm of a dying patient (he thinks at Royal Perth) who had given a list of close family to call. The patient hadn't been…
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I don't know if that doctor is here today but one of the doctors who comes here he came up and said he had an experience of that as a doctor over in one of the hospitals. I think it was Royal Perth. One of his patients you know was dying so he went to his uh his bedside and the instructions from the patient was, "Here's a list of my close family members. Please give them a call to get me them to come immediately." So, he was calling those um family members, and he got to the guy's daughter, Julia or something. And he was calling Julia, "Come to the hospital quickly. Your father's dying." And that's when the father opened his eyes and said, "Please tell Julie how much I love her." And he closed his eyes and died. And he hadn't been able to speak for for hours beforehand. He was dying. But that last little time, he had the mind took over rather than the brain and had that lucidity. He could actually speak.
- The broken pot of gheeAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The Buddha's simile, asked whether chanting for the dead helps them: break a clay pot of ghee over a lake — the clay sinks and the oil floats. If a monk stood on the bank…
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imagine this you take a pot of oil was actually ghee but ghee is a type of oil you take a clay pot of oil you take it to some sort of lake or Pond and you break it over that Lake then what would happen the clay heavy part would go to the bottom and the oil will float to the surface then said the Buddha suppose that some Monk went to the side of that Lake and started praying or doing some chanting do you think because of that chanting that the the Shar s of clay will float to the surface and the oil will go down to the bottom of course not it's in just the same way that beings will go according to their karma when they die
- The parrot that kept vigilStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A gardener coming to Bodhinyana each day noticed, early one morning at the corner of Kingsbury Drive and the South Western Highway, a parrot on a branch looking down at a dead…
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some little time before, we had a gardener who was coming up every day to do some work in Bodhinyana, and he told me the corner of Kingsbury Drive and the South Western Highway, he just noticed as he came early one morning, not much traffic, there was a parrot, was on the branch of a tree, looking down at a dead parrot, which had been hit by a car, maybe early that morning, and when he finished work, he noticed that parrot was still there, looking down, hadn't moved. The next morning, the parrot was still on the tree, looking down. About three or four days, the parrot hadn't moved, looking down at the dead parrot on the side of the road. If that wasn't grief, I don't know what is.
- The polka-dot bow tieStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Kalgoorlie builder dying of cancer comes to the monastery for counselling about death, dressed as always in thongs, shorts and a singlet. After his closed-coffin funeral, his…
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one of the gentlemen um here he had a friend in Calgi who was a builder. The builder got cancer and the friend invited the builder to come to Bodin Island Monastery for some counseling about dying. And of course eventually the builder died. Even when he visited me, he visited me the best clothes he possibly could have which was always like thongs and shorts and a singlet. That's all the clothes he would wear. And then uh when he died it was a closed coffin. Of course I never went there. It was done in Kgori, but my friend who lived over here did and then a few days later friend was woken up in the middle of the night. Somebody had poked him. He thought of his thought it was his wife and he told his wife off and realized his wife was fast asleep. It wasn't her and he saw it was his friend who died. But what really surprised him, this builder was wearing a polka dot bow tie and a nice suit. He said, "This is weird." Cuz I'd never seen in my life him wear this s sort of clothing. And then he woke his wife up to say this is uh this guy has come to see us. And of course after he know lost that one or two moments of contact then she couldn't find him anymore. When he come and told me that story, I said, "Uh, did you see him in his coffin?" He said, "No, it was a closed coffin." And I said, "As soon as you can, please call his wife in Calguri." You know, he was living in Perth and ask, you know, um, what was No, just ask ordinary questions and then just ask in passing what was he wearing in his coffin? And that's when his wife admitted said, "Oh, you know, I bought him this suit years ago. He never wore it cuz he just like ordinary Australian garb." And so I dressed him in a nice shirt, a polka dot bow tie, and this um uh this suit cuz he would never wear it usually. Niku was dead. He couldn't complain. And that's exactly how he saw him in the in this vision.
- The professor and the old sailor: “Have you learned to swim?”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Sailing from Sydney to San Francisco, a professor quizzes an old sailor three nights running on marine science, astronomy and meteorology; the sailor knows none of them, and each…
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it's about the old seaman, the old sailor and the professor. Now in these Buddhist stories, the person with the simple job usually comes out superior, especially when professors are mentioned, which is one of the reasons professors always get a bad rap in Buddhism. That's why we don't get many professors coming here. But there was a professor and an old sailor. Now these were the days when people would go from country to country in boats before we had cheap aircraft to take you place to place. So this man, he was going from Sydney to San Francisco to give some lectures, this professor. And the first night on the boat from Sydney, he had his dinner in the galley or whatever, and after a beautiful dinner he went out on deck just to take the air the first night out on the sea as people do. And as he was walking out on deck he saw this elderly sailor, this old man just leaning over the railing looking at the sea underneath. And he decided to have a conversation with this old sailor because even though this was a simple job, this man must have been sailing the oceans for such a long time, surely he must have learned something useful. And the professor was always wanting to increase the store of his knowledge, thinking that that was the meaning of life So he went up to the sailor and said to him, he said, old man, how long have you been a sailor? He said, ever since I was a young boy about 13 or 14, there's many, many years I've been sailing these oceans, you know, it's amazing. He said, you know on that sea which we're sailing on, there's so much life in there. You know, as an old sailor, you must be an expert on marine science, about all the animals which depend upon the ocean underneath us, and all the currents and the reefs underneath. You know, let's have a conversation about marine science. And the old sailor said, about what? About marine science. What are you talking about,? said the old sailor, I don't know anything about marine science or the animals under the sea. What? said the professor. All those years at sea and you never bother to pick up a book and learn about the oceans underneath you? No, said the sailor. You stupid old man, said the professor, you've wasted your life, stupid old man. And he walked away in disgust of this old man, who'd wasted his life actually on the oceans, never learning about them. Next night at sea, he had a very, very beautiful meal, and he was in a good mood. So when the professor walked on deck the second time, there was the old sailor on watch and this time he was just looking at the stars. And that was actually one of the hobbies of the professor, astronomy. Said, ah, fair enough, the poor old man, he may not know about marine science, but he must know about astronomy, because in those days before GPS, that's actually how you could navigate by the stars. So he went up to the old man and said, look, I'm sorry what I said to you last night. You know, you may not know about marine science, but I bet you know about astronomy, and that's my hobby. Look at that beautiful Ursa Major out there. He said, Ursa what? You know, the stars above you, you must know a lot about astronomy, that's guided your ship. He said, I know nothing about that, the captain knows about it, not me. What, said the professor, all those years at sea, looking up at the heavens above you, and you've never ever bothered to learn about astronomy, you stupid old man, what a waste of a life You've wasted your life you stupid old man And the professor walked away in total disgust. Now the third night at sea, it always has three in Buddhism. Actually it has one more, but I'll come on to that later. The third night at sea, now the cook made an amazing dinner, it was just so delicious, straight away it put the professor in a good mood. And when he went up to deck, it was one of these balmy nights over the ocean, just a gentle, almost fragrant breeze was wafting over the ocean. And it was such a beautiful evening, the professor said, oh come on, I'll give this old sailor another chance, because the professor was a professor of meteorology. And he realized, sailors may not know about marine science, or just ordinary sailors may not know about the stars, but they must know about the weather. Because it's the weather, the power of the winds which drives these ships. And if there's a storm, that could sink the ship. So the weather is one of the most important things for the sailor to understand. So he went up to that sailor and asked him, he said, look I'm so sorry, I was in a bad mood the last two nights, and I misjudged you. Sure you may not know about marine science underneath you, or astronomy above you, but I'm sure you must know about meteorology. About the winds, the weather, which drives the ship, which could ruin the ship, or give it safety. Let's talk about meteorology. Meteor what? said the old sailor. About the winds and the storms. I know nothing about that, said the sailor I'm just a simple sailor man, that's all. What? What? You stupid old man, you dummy, you nincompoop, all those years, what a waste of a life, you just wasted your whole life, you stupid old man, said the professor, and walked away. And he decided he'd never ever talk to that fool again. Fourth night at sea, he never went to the galley for dinner, because it was one of those nights at sea which were rough. And he suffered from seasickness, putting anything in his stomach would just come out again afterwards. So he stayed in his cabin. And as the night grew later and later, the storm got worse and worse, and in the ship you can actually feel it, because the boat starts to rock and rock and rock, and you can feel the waves bashing against the hull of the ship on the other side of your cabin window. And it was a very rough night, and the storm got worse and worse, and it reached its peak about midnight when he heard this big crash ( shut up dogs, you don't need to get excited) had this big crash. And he was scared. And after the crash, there was a few moments of silence, and then he heard people rushing and running around outside his cabin door. And in panic, he opened the door, and who was running right outside? The old sailor. And the old sailor paused for a moment, and he looked at that professor and said, Professor, in all your years, have you ever learnt about swimming? (Laughter) Actually, no, said the professor, what a waste of a life, the ship's sinking
- The shire ranger's mother at the foot of the bedStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: English shire ranger living alone in northern WA wakes mid-night; turns on the light; his sick mother stands clear at the foot of the bed smiling love for six or seven minutes —…
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Northern Iowa many years ago there was one of the members of our Buddhist society lived there by himself and he was a he was English and he was a ranger ear first it was sterling Shire yeah and what was it Vincent anyway one of the science Shire Ranger very down-to-earth man and he told me that one morning writing up one morning middle of the nights in his house living there by himself he woke up middle of the night knowing that something was strange he turned on his lights next to his bed and saw his mother standing at the end of his bed clear as if it was her his mother had got on a plane and came to visit him but he knew it couldn't be his physical mother his mother was sick in hospital and it was clear as ever could be she was standing at the end of his bed I don't know why the end of his bed but that's where she was standing looking at him with only the smart of love which her mother can give to her children beautiful smile
- The villages without griefStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Living nine years at a Thai cremation-ground monastery, Ajahn Brahm saw villagers bring their dead without grieving, which contradicted everything he had learned about loss.
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the monastery I was staying most of the time was a cremation ground. So all the villagers in the local area used that place for the funerals. So we'd do the funeral, we'd see all the villagers, they'd come, bring their dead, we'd do all the chanting and the services, we'd see them that afternoon, that evening, the next day. And there was something very strange, there was no grief, they just didn't cry, not just cry, they weren't even sad when somebody died. This was not suppressing their grief because you saw them every day, they just, wasn't there, it was a culture in which grief was absent and that really shocked me, and I was there nine years so this was no just, short visit, and I thought that was impossible because my learning had said that when you lose someone you love you have to have grief. The truth of the matter, there was no grief there.
- The wife who came back for the willStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Thai woman who never trusted her Chinese husband asks Ajahn Brahm to do her funeral and pay for it, in return leaving her assets to the Buddhist Society; he passes it to the…
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there was this this Thai lady married to a Chinese man and she never trusted her husband at all. So much so she asked me a bra can you please uh do the funeral for me and pay for it and in return we'll I'll dedicate uh you know my assets is not that much my assets to the Buddhist society and I told them at the time I can't do that I can't do deals as a monk but I'll give it to our committee and they said yeah this is a nice little earner you know they're paying for funerals a few thousand dollars but the what would you get from the inheritance or from the will be worth much more than that. So we signed off on that and I did a funeral for them. Then after the funeral was finished that uh I did ask the widow George said have you got the the will said no I can't find it it's disappeared and I didn't want to harass him so just left it be. Then one morning that's when he came to monastery very early in the morning. George, I've never seen a man of any tradition so frightened. He said, "AJ," he came in a taxi all the way from, I think, Mlands all the way to Serpentine really early in the morning. He said, "AJ, can I give you this?" What is it? He says, "It's the will. Here, take it now, please. Quick, now." And what happened? Last night, my wife came as a ghost. George, George, you know where that will is. Take her to Ajam Brahm now. He was so scared. He was scared of her when she was alive. She was doubly scared. No, she was dead. So sometimes that's what you have to do. You just she was making sure her husband did the right thing and then after he did the right thing, then she could disappear.
- Why he felt no grief: his father's death and the great concertAnalogy · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm's father, whom he loved very much, died when he was 16, and he couldn't understand why he felt no grief. Years later as a monk he reflected on it and saw the feeling…
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When my father died, you've heard of this before, this is a beautiful story. When my father died at 16, I never cried, never cried since and I've loved my father very much. I've told many stories about him. The reason I never cried, really, I couldn't understand. I was only 16 years of age. Later on, I contemplated my emotions. Because alone, you've got more time to spend, you know, to contemplate how you feel, what the emotion is, why it is, where it comes from. That's what meditation does, it really gets you very aware of your emotional world and so when I found out what I felt, I realized the emotion I felt of my father's death, funeral and afterwards, was exactly the same as another emot