# My father's resolution

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-grandfather-belt-father-resolution
- Themes: family, abuse, forgiveness, breaking cycles
- Life situations: childhood abuse, domestic violence, parenting, hating a parent

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

His father never spoke of his own father in Liverpool. At 14 or 15 Ajahn Brahm finally gets it out of him: 'Your grandfather was a bastard.' A plumber, he came home drunk almost every night, whipped any child he met with his belt, then beat his wife. Worse than the belt, his father said, was seeing his mother beaten and being unable to help. As a boy he resolved that if he survived and had children he would never hit them. And when Ajahn Brahm and his brother were naughty, their father would come in with a slipper — and just put it down and walk out.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

My father... he was a very kind man. But he would never tell me about my paternal grandfather, my father's dad. And it was frustrating for me every time I asked him, "How was my grandfather like, in Liverpool?" He then asked me, "Be quiet". And then eventually when I was about 14 or 15, I got it out of my dad. I was persistent, "You got to tell me because this is my family. I never saw them because they died during the second World War before I was born. So, how was my paternal grandfather like, and that is when my dad said, please excuse the word, but this is what he said. He said, "Your grandfather was a bastard." He said it was just so much pain in him. That shocked me. I said, "Why?" He said he was not a sexual offender, but a physical offender. He would come home, almost every evening, drunk. He was a plumber. He'd come back drunk, and he'd take off his belt. He'd whip any kid, which you know, he came across. And then he would start beating his wife, my dad's mum. My dad often said that, the pain of just the end of the belt for no reason at all, just my father was drunk. That would never hurt as much as seeing his mother beaten, for no reason at all. He said that really hurt, because he could do nothing to help someone he loved, my paternal grandmother, whom I never saw. But why I say this story for is what my father did about that. He was a child at the time, he could do nothing, except to make this resolution. He told me, he shared it with me this time. He said, "When I was at the end of a beating for no reason, just because my father was drunk, I made this resolution that if ever I survive and have kids myself; and of course he did, me and my brother. If ever I survive, I will never ever do that to my kids. I won't use corporal punishment at all. I'd always remember that. Because I remember several times, brother and I were naughty, just ordinary kids. And sometimes, he'd come into our bedroom with a slipper. He just couldn't do it. He'd just put the slipper down and walked out, because he remembered just what it was like for him.

## Teaching point

Even abuse can be turned into something beautiful: a resolution never to pass it on.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

Ajahn Brahm's father grew up with a drunken, violent father in Liverpool and vowed never to hit his own children. Sometimes he'd come in with a slipper, then just put it down and walk out. If you've been hurt, you can still choose to end it with you. That's how pain can become something beautiful.

## Source

- [The Fault Finding Mind | Ajahn Brahm | 7 May 2021](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bekYLQ5buRQ) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 1:09:42 to 1:12:27: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bekYLQ5buRQ&t=4182s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Freedom: The Path To Happiness | Ajahn Brahm | 11-05-2007](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnY050r025I) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 31:48 to 33:53: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnY050r025I&t=1908s
- [How To Deal With Confusion | Ajahn Brahm | 19-12-2014](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lln7FHZv6VQ) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 52:13 to 53:29: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lln7FHZv6VQ&t=3133s
- ["F" Is For Forgiveness | Ajahn Brahm | 13-05-2011](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMWLk4NR3RI) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 11:40 to 15:24: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMWLk4NR3RI&t=700s
- [How to deal with abusive relationships | Ajahn Brahm | 13-03-2015](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuGKQmP7jZs) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 44:39 to 45:28: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuGKQmP7jZs&t=2679s
- [Bringing Up Children | Ajahn Brahm | 09-12-2011](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANrqHO24Ttw) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 28:58 to 31:12: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANrqHO24Ttw&t=1738s
- [The Middle Way | Ajahn Brahm | 11-06-2010](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS3QRq7hnfM) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 40:22 to 40:56: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS3QRq7hnfM&t=2422s
- [Joy and Power of Peace | Ajahn Brahm | 13 February 2026](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaYAEgABL2M) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 59:17 to 1:00:28: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaYAEgABL2M&t=3557s