# What boys and girls really want

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-boys-and-girls-want-the-same
- Themes: relationships, craving, youth, trust
- Life situations: dating, teenagers, choosing a partner

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

At a big youth conference in Kuala Lumpur, Ajahn Brahm splits the teenagers by sex. He asks the girls what makes a boy attractive: not strength or showing off, but someone they can trust, well groomed, caring, reliable, fun to be with. He asks the boys what they want in a girl: looks help, but what matters is someone they can trust, who cares for them and is fun to be with. Both lists are the same.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

I've talked to youth groups you know young people 14 I the last time was over in quala had this big youth conference and I was talking to the boys and the girls I I separated them out first of all because it's a waste of time talking religion because what boys and girls are interested in is each other so I talked to the boys first of all I said what do you want in a girl girlfriend what would you like in a girlfriend and all the boys suddenly started paying attention you know this is something they don't teach in school and this is something the boys really wanted to know I know when I grew up no one told me you had to try and figure it out for yourself you used to ask other boys and what did they know about what girls want so I asked the girls what do you like in a boy what would make a boy really attractive and they talked with each other and they came to the conclusion it they didn't have to be strong and mash show and show off they wanted boys they could trust they were well groomed not dirty wanted you know people who would make them happy were fun to be with they didn't have to be strong and big it was like trust caring reliable fun to be with that was high on the list of what these girls told me they wanted in a boyfriend he asked the boys what you want in a girl do they have to be drop dead gorgeous well it helps I'm a boy but it's not that important what the boys wanted and they said this we wanted someone we can trust someone who will care for us someone who's fun to be with it's amazing it's exactly the same thing you want someone who you can be with trusting care he in you can relate with and have fun together with they were the highest priority

## Teaching point

What we really want in a partner is trust, care and fun — not the looks or wealth we crave and spend on.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

Asked what they wanted in a partner, teenage girls and boys in Kuala Lumpur gave the same answers: someone to trust, who cares, and is fun to be with. Not looks, not money. Imagine the expensive clothes and makeovers we could skip. Be trustworthy, kind and good company; that's what people really want.

## Source

- [Wanting For Nothing | by Ajahn Brahm | 02-10-2012](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JXoSyx-G-Q) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 19:27 to 21:38: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JXoSyx-G-Q&t=1167s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Buddhism and Teenagers | Ajahn Brahm | 27-06-2014](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBHKyAfqfgY) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 21:49 to 23:19: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBHKyAfqfgY&t=1309s
- [Unconditional Love | Ajahn Brahm | 14 February 2025](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEv5jWHdXhQ) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 26:46 to 27:39: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEv5jWHdXhQ&t=1606s
- [A Buddhist's Valentine | Ajahn Brahm | 14-02-2014](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4RusDxPXmw) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 11:17 to 12:11: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4RusDxPXmw&t=677s