Stories about religion
10 Buddhist wisdom stories about religion from Buddhist teachers, each linked to the original talk.
- Holy water from Lourdes — “Another miracle!”Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Returning from pilgrimage to Lourdes, a Catholic traveller's bags contain two Johnnie Walker bottles; he insists it's holy water carried in old whisky bottles. The sceptical…
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and the customs officer insisted on checking his bags and he said he had nothing to declare but when they opened his bags they found out these two bottles inside what is what are those bottles he just said oh they're just he'd been on on pilgrimage to lords that uh holy site in france he was a catholic okay i have could i finish a joke yeah better be the catholic holy side of lords and they say well what's in the bottles they said just holy water and he took them out but look at the label johnny walker he said well i've got to put him in something i just happen to have these old bottles of whiskey and i just pour the water in there there's any way you can transport it and the customs officers they're not very believe they don't have much trust in human beings so he said well i'll take him out let's let's open it up and see what's inside when he opened it up is it this isn't water this is whiskey smell it for yourself and the traveler smelt it and he said why my goodness that is whiskey another miracle
- If they flush the holy book — call a plumberStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After Guantanamo Quran-flushing news, someone asks what he would do if a Buddhist holy book were flushed. First answer: call a plumber. Then: you can flush the book or blow up…
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flushing the Holy Quran down the toilet. "What would have happened if you flushed a Buddhist holy text down the toilet, Ajahn Brahm?" I said.. yeah you can flush as many Buddhist holy texts down the toilet as you like, you can blast the Buddha Statues, you can burn down this temple and kill all the monks and nuns, but I would never allow you to flush Buddhism down the toilet
- Loose robes at the yacht clubStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a talk on Buddhism to Perth executives at a yacht/boat club, a woman who grew up in a Catholic convent tells Ajahn Brahm that his constantly falling-off loose robes are a…
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I went to give a talk over in quarry I think it's one of the boat clubs there though or yacht clubs and a little restaurant nearness is one of these talks I love going to talks to places I've never been before and it's one of the interesting things about being among you get all over the place and this was a group of executives you know executives in Perth who met her once a month in this know your club had dinner and wine and all sorts of other stuff that never gave me anything good job because I can't eat it or drink it but it was after the talk I gave Ono and Buddhism and sort of attitudes we have I was a member of this executive came up after with me and said yeah I was listening to what you said it's very interesting and important but what I really noticed is your robes and just how loose they went how they keep falling off and he said she said I take that as a symbol of Buddhism because she said she was brought up in a Catholic convent where the nuns there were just so tight nothing ever fell off and he said it was just so strict and so tight there was no freedom there there's no relaxation no ease if something went wrong like something fell off you can't do that that's wrong but she saw me in this very loose robe with things falling off that's Buddhism and I easy comfortable and if things fall off we learn from that we accept that we just put it up again finish what's the problem but if you feel guilty I'll be the monk for 36 years and I still can't keep my robe on when I give a talk you hopeless hopeless hopeless
- The cult-buster who ran from the Buddha statueStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: In the early North Perth centre, Western Australia's chief 'cult buster' comes to check the Buddhists out; charmed by the very Australian caretaker he decides it can't be a cult…
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I remember one time this man came, he was a Christian, he was the head cult buster in Western Australia. He was checking us out to see whether we were a cult who indoctrinated people and sort of took over their minds. Well, we do indoctrinate people, but we actually free their minds rather than take them over. When he came in he was met by our caretaker who was a very wonderful girl, and so Australian and so charming he thought, "This can't be a cult," until he went into the room and saw the big Buddha statue. He ran out in fear, he was terrified just because it's a simple Buddha statue. Now you can go in the room next door and see that Buddha statue, and all the time which I've seen that, it has never moved, it's never bitten, it's never done anything, it's just sat there.
- The emperor jailed the pope over reincarnationStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Early-church framing: a pope who held reincarnation is ordered by the emperor to ban it; refusal leads to a year in jail — after which the pope no longer believes in reincarnation.
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Pope V Julius I think his name was and the Pope was really into reincarnation but they Emperor was not and the Emperor told the Pope look ban reincarnation make it anathema and the Pope refused so actually the religious authority at that time was very much into reincarnation and so you know what did the Pope do in those days he put the Pope and then what did the Emperor do the emperor put the Pope in jail for one year and after one year in jail the Pope said I don't believe in re
- The gay leader at Mercy HospitalStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a talk at what was then Mercy / St Anne's Hospital by the river, a man in his sixties or early seventies, a leader in the gay community, tells Ajahn Brahm that religion has…
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I was giving a talk used to be called Mercy Hospital. It's St. An's. What's that hospital called now? It's you know by the river. Is it Mercy? It's Mercy. I think it's called St. An's Hospital before. I was giving a talk and I give a talk you know all over the place. But there's times when you give a talk when somebody comes up to you and they say something which you never forget and I'll keep this to the end of my days. This guy came up to he was maybe in his 60s maybe early 70s. He was getting on and he said to me, he said, "I'm a leader of the gay community." And he said, "Religion has been so harsh on us, so cruel to us over the years." And when he saw that, he just opened his heart to all the pain he'd felt over those years. And that was a catalytic point in my life. He said, "Look, that's not good enough. Anybody, any human being who experiences such pain and discrimination, I will stand up for them. Why not?
- The Norwich priest who bit off a saint's fingerStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A Norwich priest visiting a highly guarded saint's corpse in Europe bites off a finger, hides it in his mouth, and brings the relic home — later made a saint himself because the…
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priest from Norwich in England and he went to visit one of these saints over in Europe somewhere. It was high security there because if you had the relics, you had a lot of money. He this corpse was very old. this uh priest bit off the finger and hid it in his mouth. That's really weird. But he brought it back to the city of Norwich in England. And he was just made a saint himself cuz that brought so much uh business into the town of Norwich. And he made him a saint eventually had a big cathedral there simply because he broke the law and bit off a finger of a of a saint
- The Pope, the Archbishop and the puttJoke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: The Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury settle church unity with 18 holes of golf. On the last green the Pope misses putt after putt, swearing “Damn it! Missed!” while his nun…
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But the Anglican church and the Catholic church were trying to sort of get some reconciliation. Trying to move together. They're both Christian groups and in the end they couldn't really reconcile. So they decided to let God choose which was the right form of Christianity. And the way they were going to do this with the Archbishop and the Pope they both like golf. So they decided to play 18 rounds of, 18 holes of golf. Whoever won, if the Archbishop of Canterbury won the Pope will become a Protestant. It will be God's will. And if, if the Pope won the Archbishop would convert to being a Catholic together with all the Protestants. And that way they could unite and it'll be God's choice. Fair enough. If you believe in divine intervention, so let God decide who's the best, who's the most authentic. The Catholics or the Anglicans. So they started their round of golf. They got to the last hole, the 18th hole. The Archbishop had already put his ball into the hole, the Pope was two shots ahead. If he sagged this 18-foot putt he would win. And the Anglican Archbishop together with every Anglican in the world would have to convert to being Catholics. So you can imagine the stress of that shot. He was so nervous, he hit it way too hard and it went way past the hole maybe six foot past. He missed his first opportunity. He's still one shot ahead. And so he lost it. He swore “damn it! Missed!” he said. And his caddy, because all this golfers have to have caddies. Guess who his caddy was? It was one of the Catholic nuns. I won't explain why but I think you mostly know. So the Catholic nun saw the Pope swear “damn it! Missed!” and said: “Your grace or your holiness, you shouldn't swear like that. That's a sin. You shouldn't do that. She's looking up in the sky. He said “oh I'm stressed out. Too excited. I'm terribly sorry. And I won't do it again.” and he had another shot. If he hold this shot he'd still win by one one hole. So he's still… the Archbishop would have to become a Catholic. So he really relaxed. Tried to get rid of his anxiety and stress. He hit the ball again. Not hard enough. It only went halfway to the hole. “Damn it! Missed!” he said. And the poor nun looked up in the sky, crossed herself and said “don't do that. You're tempting fate. In your position you should know better.” “I'm terribly sorry sister. This stress, the anxiety, the stakes are so high.” He had one more shot. If he missed this one he'd have to become a Protestant. He had to hold this one to draw. The stakes were really high. And so he hit the ball, it went straight to the hole, but then just went on the outside and missed. And this time he really swore loudly: “damn it! Missed!” he said and before the nun could cross herself there was a huge clap of thunder from the sky and a lightning bolt came down from the clouds and hit the nun. Why are you laughing at that? And the nun dropped down dead. And a great voice from the sky boomed out: “damn it! Missed!”
- Who sits next to God?Joke · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A man who went to church every Sunday, gave donations and kept the Ten Commandments dies and goes to heaven, expecting to see Jesus beside God. Instead a cleaning lady with mop,…
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I don't know if you've heard this story; but there was a person who, he went to church every Sunday, and he gave donations, even kept the 10 commandments. And when he died, he went up to heaven and he saw God. And he thought that Jesus will be sitting next to God. And who did he see sitting next to God? A cleaning lady with a mop and a bucket and a duster. He said I thought Jesus was gonna sit next to God. The person said "didn't we tell you cleanliness is next to godliness?" That's today's joke.
- 'You never talked to us about your Buddhism'Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Ajahn Brahm kept his non-Buddhist friends from Cambridge, and saw some at a reunion after 40 years. At the end of college he had asked them what they thought of his being a…
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I remember just with those friends I was at college and I kept them and they're still there and so we had a reunion last October seeing some friends I hadn't seen for 40 years and I remember just at the end of those College years when we were going our different ways and I've be a Buddhist for all those three years at Cambridge and I asked all my friends none of them was a Buddhist and I asked him afterward what did you think about me being a Buddhist and they said we respected you said why said because you never talked to us about your Buddhism that you just respected us for who we were and that's why we respected you for who you were