Stories about difficult people
8 Buddhist wisdom stories about difficult people from Buddhist teachers, each linked to the original talk.
- Coffee for “the Dog”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A prisoner who hates the cruel officer he must serve coffee — the man who deliberately made another inmate miss his wife's rare visit — accepts Ajahn Brahm's challenge to serve…
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The first time, over 20 years ago, when I told this story it was when I was teaching in prison, in Karnet Prison Farm, just down the road from my monastery. We still go there most Fridays. When I was teaching that at Karnet Prison Farm one of the prisoners complained and he said, "That is just new age rubbish. It doesn't work in the real world, especially in a prison. Prisons are tough places. If you've got a difficult person you've got to stand up for yourself. That's the only language they understand." Of course, I wasn't having any of that. I said, "I don't believe you." He said, "You don't live in prison." I said, "Monastery we have cells, we have wall around." Actually, they don't have a wall around Karnet but we have a wall around our monastery. Sometimes people, in the early years, they'd actually drive all the way to Karnet Prison Farm and ask where are the monks. [laughter] It was very embarrassing. Luckily, there weren't any monks in it. But anyway, I challenged this guy, I said, "Okay, in this prison, who is the most difficult person you have to deal with?" The prisoner I challenged was with a number of other prisoners. He said, "The chief officer. The chief officer, my job is to serve him tea and coffee every day. That's my job in prison. I hate that guy. He's always really nasty." He told me a story which happened a week before. One of the prisoners in Karnet, he hardly ever had a visit from his family because it's such a hard place to get to. There's no public transport and if you're poor and haven't got a car you have to find a friend who can actually take you all that way. It's a difficult place to get to. He said this man's wife had managed to get a lift to come and see him, but before you can go and see your relations in prison you have to check in, say your name, go through all the security stuff. The chief officer had seen this woman checking in and knew that she had come to see this prisoner and decided to be cruel to the prisoner. On the PA system he said so-and-so, I've got a job for you on the other side of Karnet Prison Farm and sent him to a place where the PA system didn't reach. It's a huge prison farm. He did it on purpose because as soon as his wife had checked in the PA system announced prisoner so-and-so, your wife is here, please go to the visitor's area, but he couldn't hear it from where he'd been sent. The message was repeated two or three times. There was a search to try and find him. They did find him. By the time they found him and he came back visiting hours are over. Better luck next time. He said, "The chief officer did this on purpose with no reason other than spite and trying to give the prisoners a harder time than they deserved. That's why, in that time in prison, he was called a dog." I said, "You hate him?" He said, "Yes. Really big time. He's so difficult. He never respects us, never says anything to us. He always puts us down and treats us like dirt." I said, "Great. This is a challenge. You meet him every day serving tea and coffee. Be kind to him. Don't embrace him with your arms, you'll get in trouble that way, but at least you can embrace him with your heart." I said, "How you can do that is every time you serve a cup of tea or coffee try and put some love and care into that tea or coffee. Try and make it the most beautiful, delicious cup of coffee you possibly can make. Find out what he likes and be kind. Get lots of love and compassion whenever you serve him tea and coffee." So all credit to this prisoner, he tried it, for a week. When I came back after one week, "How is it going?" He said, "It's a complete waste of time. I'm really trying hard to be kind to this guy but every time, even if I put lots of effort into making a nice cup of tea and coffee, he completely ignores me as if I don't exist, as if I'm lower than a cockroach. He even says to the cockroach get out of here, but not me." So I told him, "Carry on." It was about, I'm not sure how long, maybe a couple of months, I had to encourage him and force him to do this, before we got what I call the big breakthrough. One day I actually came to visit and he couldn't wait to tell me this. He said, he'd made this prison officer a beautiful cup of coffee with cream or whatever he found, just the type he thought the prison officer liked, and managed to find him some biscuits which he noticed the prison officer liked, and he said, "Here you are sir, have this coffee, and I've found some special biscuits which I know you like," and the prison officer said, "Er." He grunted. That was our breakthrough. [laughter] It was the first time he acknowledged that this prisoner actually lived and existed and breathed. That grunt, I said, "Wow, this is exciting!" That is the crack in the dam wall. I was right. It was only about two or three weeks later the prisoner managed to find a special cup of tea, a sandwich or whatever, handed it to this prison officer, the chief officer, who was a dog, and the chief officer turned around and said, "Thank you." All the other prisoners were telling me this and they were all looking at me and they said, "You don't realize just how the prison grapevine works. That has gone to every prison in the state." That this chief officer could say thank you to a prisoner was unbelievable. I won the challenge. I knew I'd win eventually. Even such a dog you can change into a cuddly little puppy with lots and lots and lots of kindness.
- Coffee for the new bossStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A listener's former colleague is promoted and becomes a harsh, scolding boss. Advised by Ajahn Brahm to look at the boss's beautiful side, the woman goes up to her and simply…
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recently somebody said I'm sure they're probably here but I can't remember it was last week or two weeks ago they say they tried this with their boss in the office they just got a new boss actually the new boss was was one of their colleagues before now got promoted it's amazing when someone gets promoted they actually change from being a friend to being like a Margaret Thatcher uh you know I always remember Margaret Thatcher she said cabinet ministers there are some you can beat down there are some you can wear down and the others you grind down that's a really amazing woman grinding cabinet ministers down wo but there are some people like that in your office but instead of looking at that aspect of her boss I told her to look at her beautiful side and so this amazing woman she went to her and the boss usually being scouting at her and complaining just asked her do you want a cup of coffee I'm just going down to the coffee machine and the boss was so taken back apparently changing the attitude to a person looking at the kindness
- He likes solitude — monastery code for a troublemakerStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a senior monk he got transfer letters from other monasteries with coded praise: 'likes solitude' meant he can't get on with anybody; 'very good worker' meant he can't…
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we used to sort of um get these letters every now and again from other monasteries saying we've got this monk and they say well you know he's um he likes solitude which was code for he can't get on with anybody or he's a very good worker which meant he can't meditate for his life or that He's very reflective and contemplative, which means he's always looking at other people's faults and telling them. So, we always had these code words. So, usually if they would say they want to send a monk over from another monastery, we'd always actually ring up not the abbot, but ring up one of the other monks to find out what the heck they were sending to make sure that it wasn't going to be someone who's going to be a troublemaker
- “Take them out one by one”Story · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: Asked by Fr Frank Brennan how to deal with troublesome fundamentalists, Abbot Placid of New Norcia shocks the room with “Take them out one by one” — then explains: deal with them…
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I remember at a conference at UWA it was actually Father Frank Brennan was there, the Jesuit priest. He asked this question, he said, "I do work in universities." "I so easily get on with Buddhists, with Hindus, with Jewish, all religions." The only difficulty he has is with the born-again, the fundamentalists, the sort-of Charismatic Christians. He asked Abbot Placid, not me, he said "What would you be your advice to deal with the Charismatic Christians, the real troublemakers?" Abbot Placid said, "Take them out one by one." An outrageous thing for an abbot to say. [laughter] Ajahn: He had a great sense of humor. But then he said afterwards, "Deal with them later on, singly, one by one."
- The anger-eating demonStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A monster sits on the emperor's throne and grows bigger with every angry word from the guards; the returning emperor welcomes it, the court follows with kindness, and the demon…
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It's a great story of the demon who came into the emperor's palace. Demon coming into an emperor's palace, and emperor was away. Because he was away there was a monster, a big, ugly terrifying demon came and strolled right into the palace! He was so frightening, so terrifying! Everybody froze in horror at this ugly, disgusting, slimy demon, allowing the demon to go right through, into the heart of the palace and sit on the emperor's throne. As soon as he sat on the emperor's throne, that was just too much for the guards and the ministers. They came to their senses. They said, "Get out of here! Who do you think you are? This is our emperor's seat, not yours!! Get out, or else!" At those harsh words, the demon grew an inch bigger, more ugly, more smelly and the language got far worse.. That made the soldiers and ministers even more upset. They got out their swords. They got out clubs. They clenched their fists. But at every unkind word, every angry deed, even every unkind thought, the monster just grew an inch bigger, more ugly, more terrifying, more smelly, and the language from the monster got worse and worse and worse. This had been going on for quite some time before the emperor came back. At this time that demon was so huge he took up half the throne room. He was massive, and talk about ugly and frightening. I've never seen "Alien," the movie, but people said the alien is pretty terrifying. Imagine the alien, multiplied by a thousand! This was so terrifying, not even DreamWorks could manufacture such a terrifying, horrible spectacle as this ugly demon. According to the story, the smell, the stench coming off this demon's body would make maggots throw up. [laughter] It takes a lot to make a maggot sick. [laughter] And the language coming from this demon was worse! Was worse than you'd hear in Northbridge after both the Eagles and the Dockers lose. [laughter] So this was a problem, a real difficult being coming into the palace. But when the emperor came back...the reason he was emperor was he'd been to Nollamara, heard the talks and was wise. [laughter] I always change these stories every time. Embellish them this way and that way, so you can always hear a new angle. The emperor had also read "Opening the Door of Your Heart," which is available at the book shop for $25 [laughter] Ajahn: I've also learned marketing. I was at an entrepreneurship business conference this afternoon. But anyway, the emperor said, "Welcome. Oh monster, thank you so much for coming to visit me. Why have you waited such a long time to come and pay me a call?' At those few kind words, the monster grew an inch smaller, less ugly, less smelly, less offensive. All the people in the palace realized their mistake. Instead of saying, "Get out of here, you don't belong! What are you doing here? You don't belong in here!" they started to say, "Welcome." One of them said, "Actually, do you want something to drink? We've got some orange juice, freshly squozen." Squeezed...squozen? I don't know, who cares? [laughter] Ajahn: "Would you like something to eat? We've got some nice curry puffs." Are they available this evening? I don't know, I didn't see what's out there. "They got some curry puffs. We've got some sandwiches." Someone said, "Would you like a pizza? I can ring up. Monster size of course for someone like you." [laughter] Ajahn: Someone gave the monster a foot massage. Have you ever had a foot massage? Imagine a monster, with such big feet. It took about 10 of them to give each foot a massage. Someone else, "Do you want a cup of tea? We have English tea. We have peppermint. It's good for your health. Or a cup of coffee? Latte, cappuccino, or Brazilian?" I don't really know what I'm talking about with coffee. [laughter] I just drink whatever I'm given. Ajahn: So anyway, at every kind word or kind deed or kind thought the demon grew an inch smaller, less ugly, less offensive, less smelly. It wasn't such a long time even before the monster's pizza arrived he was back down to the size when he first began, when he first came in. They kept laying on the kindness until that demon got so tiny one more act of kindness and that demon vanished completely away.
- The caller who threatened the monksStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: A woman phones the monastery cursing and threatening to come with a rifle; Ajahn Brahm answers only with kindness, she says he alone understands her, calms down and tells him…
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I remember this one lady, no other monk would be able to talk with her, and she would come on the telephone...I think [?] knows who I'm talking about, and she would swear, F-words, bloody words, "Bloody monks, I'm going to come up there with an M-16 and shoot you all." I said, "OK, that's a nice thing to do." [laughter] Ajahn: I understood her. No, she's a really difficult person, but because I never reacted back, because I always react in kindness, she always loved me and said, "You're the only person who understands me," and of course she never came to the monastery with an M-16 to shoot us all. She was just taking out her venom on someone who would listen and not take it seriously. I could understand where she was coming from, the pain of her life, the difficulties of her life and embracing her for who she was. Then she'd calm down, become very peaceful and tell me all about her life, a very painful difficult life. She was not a problem. She was not a difficulty.
- The mosquitoes were my teachersStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: As a young monk in Thailand, Ajahn Brahm could not include mosquitoes in his loving-kindness chant; when he finally let one bite him out of kindness, it took advantage and bit…
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Being in Northeast Thailand, we'd always call the mosquitoes "Ajahn mosquito"... [laughter] ...because I learned so much from those damn mosquitoes. [laughs] That's what I thought at the time, those mosquitoes. Because even when we just do loving kindness. For those of you who are Buddhists, you know that we spread love and kindness to all people, all beings, all genders, no matter what you are or who you are. May all beings be happy and well. However, as a young man being a monk in Thailand, I just could not do that. It's impossible. I did the best I can. I used to chant, "May all beings be happy and well, except mosquitoes." [laughter] Ajahn: "May all beings be free from suffering, but not those mosquitoes. They don't deserve, what they've done to me." [laughs] I'm sure that if ever you spread loving kindness, you've also got exceptions. [laughs] But it didn't work well when I had exceptions, so I learned how to learn from those mosquitoes to be kind to them. Sometimes, I was so kind to those mosquitoes I let them bite me. They would land on my hand. I said, "Come on, mosquito, you can bite me. The door of my heart is open to you. It's only a little bit of blood. I know that you need this to have your dinner. And I like my dinner as well, especially as a monk. I know this is your dinner, so have something to eat. Do you know what those mosquitoes did? Sometimes difficult people and difficult beings are like this. They take advantage of you. They put their nose into the skin, and it's irritating. So you just endure that. It's only a few seconds. But these mosquitoes, that was just an exploratory drill. They took their nose out, walked a few steps, and tried somewhere else. [laughter] Ajahn: They were fussy. You have three or four bites just from one mosquito! They were taking advantage of my kindness. [chuckles] That's just the nature of mosquitoes. It doesn't matter. I have plenty of blood, and I learned a lot from that.
- The ward that focused on the good hoursStory · Ajahn Brahm
In brief: After a talk at Singapore's mental-health institute, a Christian ward head quietly tells Ajahn Brahm his ward now focuses on patients' healthy periods rather than their episodes…
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This whole attitude was reinforced when last weekend I was teaching at a conference of the Institute for Mental Health in Singapore. Those from Singapore, a few here, the old Woodbridge Hospital, which now they've moved and renamed because maybe it had a bad association with mental sickness. And I was so pleased that after I gave a presentation that was so well received, that one of the fellows there who was quite a staunch Christian, he asked me, "Can you come and bless my ward? Give a Buddhist blessing, please." Those of you who know Singapore know that's quite something. But when I was talking to him, and to many other staff there, the heads of departments, they told me that the philosophy in that hospital was to focus on that part of their patient which was sane, sociable, which was kind, which was intelligent. They weren't focusing on the psychosis. They weren't ignoring the schizophrenic fantasies. They were focused on something else. I thought, "Wow! You guys have understood." Because if you focus on somebody's faults -- you know the old two bad bricks -- the fact that sometimes they act in a dysfunctional way, or they speak in hallucinatory ways or they behave in sort of a violent to themselves or other ways. If you focus on that, then you make this person into someone.. or make this dysfunction the whole of them, rather than just a part of them. And a positive psychology says let's put that aside. Let's focus on the other half of them. Too often, we focus on the dysfunction. How about focusing on the rest of the time when they're perfectly -- I won't say normal because being normal is stigmatising the so-called abnormal -- when they are kind, sociable and able to sort-of flow in society without any problems or reactions from other people. When you focus on the other side, the healing happens. This is such an important psychology to see. I was so pleased that at last, somebody is getting the message.