Good, bad — who knows? The king's finger

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• The worst thing she'd ever done

  In brief: A woman dying of cancer meets Ajahn Brahm most Friday evenings. Wanting her to die free of her past, he asks in confidence for the worst…

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  about this woman, not far, in Tuart Hill somewhere. Tuart Hill, Dianella... And she was dying. And I asked her that once, before she passed away: 'Is there anything you've done in your life which you're very ashamed of?' And of course it took a while to get her to confess to me. And what she said was that once in her life she'd kissed another woman's husband. And I asked 'Is that all you've done?' She said 'Yes, I was so ashamed of it, you're the first person I've told.' So that's not bad, a whole life. We can forgive you that one. But for me, hearing that, that was a small thing. But for her, it was the most terrible thing she'd ever done. But once she actually confessed it, let somebody know, she also realized it wasn't that bad

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• 'I know all about it'

  In brief: A boy tells his teacher 'I know all about it' — she gives him $5 not to tell the headmistress. A friend explains: say it to anyone and…

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  It reminds me of a story. It's been a while since I told a joke, so this might mean it go over a bit. But about this boy. This boy was given some homework by his teacher. And he some research. And the following day he went up to the teacher and said, "Yep, I know everything about it, Miss Smith." And Miss Smith said, "You know everything about it?" "Yes, Miss Smith." "Here's $5. Don't tell the headmistress." Because everybody has got skeletons in the closet. And so he he didn't know what was going on, so he took the $5. And he told his friend, and this is what his friend said, "Look, everybody, if you say tell somebody, 'I know all about it,' then they're not quite sure what you're talking about. They'll give you $5 anyway." So, he went back home. He thought, "This is really good. I'm going to try this on my mom." So, he went and saw his mom and said, "Mom, I know all about it." "Oh my god, here's $10. Don't tell your dad." "Wow, this is really good." So, he went to his sister. "Hi, sister. I know all about it." "How do you know?" "Oh, there's lots of friends at school." "Here's $20, you pain in the neck, but just don't tell anybody, okay?" And when his father came home, father working, he can score big time off his father. So, he went out to his dad, said, "Dad, I know all about it." He pulled out "Here's $50, son. Don't tell your mother." And so he thought he's really onto a good little earner. So, the following morning, as he was on the way to school again, he saw the milkman. So, he went up to the milkman and said, "Milkman, I know all about it." And the milkman said, "You do? Son, I don't know if that's the sort of a joke a monk should tell anyway

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• “You're either going to get better or you're going to die”

  In brief: Seriously ill with typhus in a Ubon hospital with no night nurse, young Ajahn Brahm is overjoyed when the famous Ajahn Chah visits — for…

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  That's when I was really, really down and sick as I said a few weeks ago. Really down and sick in this third-world hospital in Ubon in Thailand, 35, 37 years ago now really really bad. That was the hospital where first evening there you know you had typhus fever felt terrible, next to death and at 6:00 p.m. the nurse disappeared one hour later the night nurse still hadn't appeared and I asked the monk next to me in the next bed should we let someone know the night nurse hasn't arrived but there is something happens in the middle of the night you know you got no one to help you and that's when the monk said there is no night nurse in this hospital we only have a nurse during the daytime sometimes. If something happens in the middle of the night that's just bad kamma. That was not reassuring. Now it is true you only had nurses there for half the day at nighttime you're at your own resources and people really sick and there's no bell to ring no one would come, you scream and you know no one would come to help you. So good for a hospital but anyway after feeling so bad for day about two or three weeks that's when Ajahn Chah came to visit me and now this was this big scene even by that time he was famous and he came just to visit me. Oh I felt so so good and so happy and so relieved, the great master comes to visit me, yeah. But the euphoria only lasted for about five seconds that's all because this great teacher he came right up to me and he said to me Brahmavamso that's the full name not Ajahn Brahm, "Brahmavamso," he said “you're either going to get better or you're going to die” and then he left. His wisdom was wonderful but his bedside manner was terrible. And that's so true, it doesn't last you're either going to get better or you're going to die, that's it. Very good teaching. So if any of you are going to visit your mother this weekend in hospital Mom, I heard from this monk, you are going to get better or you're going to die, bye bye, see you tomorrow. Don't do that. That really hurt me

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• Fifty strokes of the cat

  In brief: A new postulant confesses to secretly making an afternoon sandwich and, refusing Ajahn Brahm's gentle advice, insists on a penance or…

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  is a story many years ago of one of the anagarikas one of the people in white who's trained to be a monk at Bodhinyana Monastery in Serpentine. When you become a monk you have to train for a minimum of two years beforehand, one year wearing white keeping eight precepts, the next year in brown keeping ten precepts, and afterwards after two years maybe you can ordained as a full monk. There was one young man, an Australian man who was starting his training as an anagarika, eight precepts. One of those precepts is you're not allowed to eat any solid food from noon until the dawn the following day, you can't eat in the afternoon or night time. So I was the abbot, one afternoon this new anagarika, a young man, came up to me and said, "I have something to confess, I've done a terrible crime. I know you're gonna probably throw me out of the monastery and not let me be a monk, because one afternoon I was hungry, I went into the kitchen with no one seeing me and made myself a sandwich." [laughter] And to him it was like some capital offense. And so what did I do? I told him, I said, "It doesn't matter, thank you for letting me know, now maybe eat some more food at lunchtime, you know before lunch when we have our meal, eat some more so you won't be hungry in the afternoon. If you are hungry you can have some cup of tea with some sugar, some fruit juice or some chocolate, so you don't have to eat in the afternoon. So it was a mistake, you admit it, have some strategies in place so it doesn't happen again. Okay, you can go now." This young man looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, that's not good enough." [laughter] He said, "If you don't punish me I will do it again." [laughter] "I need a penance." Because he knew himself, he spent all his life only being trained by punishment. He said, "If you let me go like that I'm sure one day I will do it again." So I had to think very quickly of a solution to that problem. As it was, I'd been reading a book, a very well-known Australian book called "Fatal Shore" by Robert Hughes, which was telling the early history of Australia. I got to that point about the convicts who were here in Australia, and the harsh punishments meted out to them. So I looked at that young man in white clothes with a bald head and I said, "If you want a punishment I will give you a traditional Australian penance... "50 strokes of the cat." This young man, his face went whiter than the clothes he was wearing. 'Cause he didn't know too much about Buddhism and he thought, "Oh, my god, Ajahn Brahm is gonna whip me, he's gonna lash me." [laughs] But then I told him what "50 strokes of the cat" means in a Buddhist monastery. We have three cats in our monastery, choose whichever one you want and stroke it 50 times, "there cat, there pussy ... three, four." Learn some compassion and kindness 'cause that's the only thing which will overcome your need for punishment and pain. It's because you don't know kindness and compassion that you think that fear is the only way to train you. I said, "We don't do fear, we do compassion and kindness."

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