Being Mindful Stories

Story · Ajahn Brahm

The widow who hugged her husband's killer

As told by Ajahn Brahm in The Meaning of Life - Peace of Mind | Ajahn Brahm | 16 Jan 2009

2 min read

Content note: torture and killing; racial violence; unverified details (as he recalls: "if I remember accurately")

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

That the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa just after aparte was dismantled and Nelson Mandela was made the president of that country and uh instead of seeking Revenge instead of punishing all those people who punished him he with Desmond Tutu establish the Truth and Reconciliation Commission brilliant way of dealing with the past at this commission anybody who had done what would be a crime was able to go to this commission and in front of everybody else to confess honestly what they done and as long as they truthfully said the horendous thing which they did they would be given amnesty you're just being honest admitting and they would be forgiven that's exactly just what I learned in Buddhism so many years ago which these days now so people can remember these things I've called the AFR code you know which you many of you know they acknowledge forgive and learn a forgive and learn from it that's all one needs to do that's basic Buddhist teachings call it AFL because you know that's the Australian football league people can remember those words AFL acknowledge forgive learn that's exactly what they were doing this because uh Reconciliation Commission acknowledging what they done in public amnesty with forgiveness everyone could learn from them and uh one of the most moving events it was most moving but typical of many things happened in that Truth and Reconciliation Commission was when one of the South African policemen was recounting how he tortured and killed a black African activist an activist from the ANC in front of the man's Widow can you imagine this scene there was a woman whose husband had disappeared probably in the middle of the night and she suspected what might have happened but never knew the true story and now she was facing the man who is confessing in detail how he tortured and killed the husband of this woman the father of her children the one she loved and apparently if I remember accurately this police officer this white police officer was shaking trembling as they recounted the details of what happened facing the wife of the man he' murdered at the end of his testimony shaking the wife Rose from her seat and went for him the guards were supposed to stop her but they froze she went for him the murder of her husband and put her big black arms around him hugged him and said I forgive you not just those two people but apparently the whole room wet

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 15:44 (to 19:18)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

A widow crossed a hearing room and hugged the officer who had tortured and killed her husband. Ajahn Brahm, telling it as he remembers it, turns the question back to us: if she could forgive that, what are we holding onto? Forgiveness isn't pretending nothing happened. It is letting go of the past so everyone, you included, can move on.

In brief (our summary)

At South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission, where those who truthfully confessed their crimes were granted amnesty, a white police officer, shaking, recounts in front of the victim's widow how he tortured and killed her husband, an ANC activist. At the end she rises and goes for him; the guards freeze. She puts her arms around him, hugs him and says, “I forgive you” — and the whole room weeps.

Teaching point

Acknowledge, forgive, learn ('AFL'); if she could forgive this, we can forgive far lesser things.

When this story may help

  • unforgivable wrongs
  • wanting revenge
  • reconciliation

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in The Meaning of Life - Peace of Mind | Ajahn Brahm | 16 Jan 2009 · 2009-01-25 · ▶ watch from 15:44 to 19:18 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

1 other telling of this story

Caption notes: YouTube auto-captions: unpunctuated, words left exactly as captioned. 'aparte' = apartheid; 'wet' = wept (not changed).

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

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But they decided, they do not wish to live in permanent houses. They usually live in caravans going from place to place. Good on them, if they want to live like that. But they have a reputation for trying to solicit funds, doing silly things. So it was one of these women, she knocked on the door. She said "would you like to buy some gypsy heather?" Just weed basically. And I was very polite I said "no, thank you" And she said to me "If you don't buy some of this heather I would put a gypsy curse on you" it was a marketing technique. Now imagine somebody threatening to curse me. They didn't know who they were messing with. (laughter) I had my robe on but I stood up really tall in my robe. And I looked her in the eye and said "I am a very senior Buddhist Monk, my curse is a much stronger than yours." That's what I said I overdid it. Honestly, I really overdid it. Because that women, her eyes went wide, her jaw dropped she turned around and she actually ran! She ran away. (laughter) We never curse anybody but I do use that in case people mess with me, then I can always mess back. Because people have all these superstition Buddhist monks... what can they do they don't know, but they tried to mess with me so I messed up with them. I know I shouldn't have done that but actually I am quite happy I did. (laughter) Makes it a good story. So anyway, that's just how.... We don't curse, we really don't have curses but people don't know that. So at this house, I told the youngest son, "Have you got your brother's telephone number?" He said sure... "Call him right now!" So he got out his smart phone and called his older brother, the one who was estranged. Give the phone to me. And I said "I am Ajahn Brahm you know me?" "Yeah I know you, I listen to your talks on YouTube." I said "I command you to come to your father's house. You better come or else" and I hung the phone up. 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