Story · Ajahn Brahm
The only lie in 40 years of marriage
Content note: death in surgery; named private people (first names)
The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)
one of the members here his name was Don he was English he used to be in the the Royal Navy and he came to Perth in the boat and liked it so much that once he retired he came to uh to live here and he had a heart attack he was put in roal Perth Hospital put in the the F stream for having bypass surgery and I went to see him in the hospital give him a bit of a boo and just the night before his surgery his wife called me she was very very disturbed and she said I've been married to him for about 40 years now and this afternoon I lied to him for the first time and I feel terrible and so asked what happened why did you lie she said in that W there were three other beds and in his next bed all people about to have heart bypasses was Jack and you know being in the war together him two or 3 days nothing else to do you know he became quite friendly to Jack and Jack was had that heart bypass that morning and I went to see my husband in the evening and he was to have his bypass the next day and so my husband asked how's Jack how did his H how did his bypass go and I lied to him I said fine he's over in the ICU recovering it was a success when what really happened I saw Jack's wife crying her eyes out he died the bypassing didn't work and I didn't want to tell my husband that that his friend had died from the same operation my husband's going to have tomorrow I think that might have killed him and actually that because he was quite elderly he was on the edge of life and death for about two or three days he only just pulled through and to this day I I say to his wife you probably did the right thing if you'd have told the truth it might have just pushed him over the edge it might have killed him so I said in that particular case it was the right thing to do to lie so I say once every 40 years you can lie
▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 1:00:54 (to 1:03:20)
A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)
The night before her husband's bypass, a wife told the first lie of their forty-year marriage: that the man in the next bed was recovering, when he'd died from the same operation. Ajahn Brahm said she did right. Precepts aren't rigid commandments. Keep them carefully, and let compassion guide the rare exceptions.
In brief (our summary)
Don, a retired Royal Navy man and Buddhist Society member, was in Royal Perth Hospital awaiting heart bypass surgery. The night before, his wife phoned Ajahn Brahm, distressed: married about 40 years, she had lied to her husband for the first time. Don had made friends with Jack in the next bed, who had his bypass that morning. 'How's Jack?' 'Fine, he's in the ICU recovering.' In fact she had seen Jack's wife weeping — Jack had died from the same operation Don faced next day. Don was on the edge of life and death for two or three days and only just pulled through. Ajahn Brahm told her it was the right thing to do: 'once every 40 years you can lie.'
Teaching point
Precepts are not commandments; in exceptional circumstances, with compassion, they may be broken — like going through a red light with a heart-attack patient.
When this story may help
- loved one in surgery
- moral dilemma
- hospital
Themes
Source & credit
Told by Ajahn Brahm in How To Deal With Confusion | Ajahn Brahm | 19-12-2014 · 2014-12-22 · ▶ watch from 1:00:54 to 1:03:20 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia
Caption notes: YouTube auto-captions: unpunctuated, words left exactly as captioned. 'roal Perth Hospital' = Royal Perth Hospital.
The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version