Story · Ajahn Brahm
Volunteering with the kids who taught him to be hugged
Content note: dated language about disability and sexuality
The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)
Again, just when I was at university, I was the only Buddhist, I knew at that college. So it was very lonely. So, you had your friends and you have great philosophical arguments. There's one guy who was a very close friend, he was Christian. So we had these great discussions. It wasn't sort of antagonistic, but it was animated. And when I heard he was going to the local mental hospital to do voluntary work, I thought I'd better go along as well. I'm a Buddhist, I'm supposed to be compassionate, even though you are very busy and all this other stuff you're supposed to do at university, I went. And I enjoyed it so much that I kept going for 2 years, those Christians, they just actually dropped out. And I went for 2 years, sometimes, "what are you trying to prove?" they asked me. And I think about it, actually it went way beyond doing service, I wasn't there to do service, I was actually getting joy out of this. It gave my week meaning, just to go and hang out with Down's Syndrome kids, and that's really all I was doing. I wasn't an expert, I wasn't trying to do anything much with them, except just be with them. And to this day, I credit that with teaching me what I call like "emotional language". So if I'm a good teacher, 4 years, not just the way you speak, anyone can say words, it's just where they come from. These were kids who can't speak, in the same way, at least these kids, were institutionalised, couldn't speak the same way as I speak to you if you come to ask me a question or we just talk about whatever. They didn't have the vocabulary or the way to articulate their thoughts. But they communicated through their emotions, through their hugs, through their facial language. And my goodness, they were just so clever. I remember many times, just going there and they, they sized me up straight away, if I was in a bad mood, they'd know - what's wrong. They'd give me hug. It was the first time as a man I'd allowed another man to hug me. I was a heterosexual. I was afraid of, sort of homosexuality. That's just the way I was conditioned and they had to allow, as a male, a young male in 1969 or 70, allow another male to hug you. That was tough, you're English, stiff upper lip and all that. But it was so wonderful for me to learn just how to be loved. I got so much from those kids. I really thank them so much. So I thought I was giving when I first went there. No, I got heaps and heaps, I got enormous gratitude, what I learnt when I gave that's where you start to understand what meaning is.
▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 27:53 (to 30:51)
A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)
At Cambridge, young Ajahn Brahm kept visiting children with Down syndrome in a local institution long after his friends dropped out. Without many words, they read his moods and hugged him when he was low, teaching a stiff-upper-lip Englishman how to be loved. Service often works that way. You arrive to give, and leave carrying far more than you brought.
In brief (our summary)
At Cambridge, when a Christian friend starts volunteering at the local mental hospital, Ajahn Brahm feels he'd better go too. The Christians drop out; he keeps going for two years, simply hanging out with institutionalised children with Down syndrome. Without words, they read his moods and hug him when he's down — the first time as a stiff-upper-lip young Englishman he lets another male hug him. He thought he was giving; he received far more, and learned 'emotional language'.
Teaching point
In serving others you find meaning — and receive more than you give.
When this story may help
- volunteering
- depression or feeling fed up
- emotional reserve
Themes
- service
- compassion
- vulnerability
- meaning of life
Source & credit
Told by Ajahn Brahm in Putting Meaning Into Life | Ajahn Brahm | 03-12-2010 · 2010-12-05 · ▶ watch from 27:53 to 30:51 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia
17 other tellings of this story
- Dealing with Tiredness | Ajahn Brahm | 19 Feb 2016 · 2016-02-20 · ▶ watch from 5:28 to 8:35 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia2016 telling: dated 1969–71; he went 'just ego, just pride' (if the Christians can do it...); occupational therapy unit for people with Down's syndrome; they hug him when he's split up with a girlfriend; contrasted with socially insensitive Nobel laureates; framed as 'emotional intelligence'.
- Give Yourself Peace, Kindness and Forgiveness | Ajahn Brahm | 29 January 2021 · 2021-01-29 · ▶ watch from 7:14 to 11:48 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaJan 2021 telling: he joins two Christian friends out of Buddhist pride ('If you can do it, I can do it better'); occupational therapy unit for people with Down syndrome; the day after breaking up with his girlfriend a young man runs up, hugs him and asks 'what's wrong?'. Includes an aside about helping a friend in an exam ('It's not cheating, it's compassion, Sir!').
- Menangani Kelelahan | Ajahn Brahm · 2019-08-13 · ▶ watch from 5:35 to 8:35 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaSame 2016 telling as CeCrEw1Bbj4: ego vs the Christians; occupational therapy unit; Nobel laureates contrasted.
- Motivation | Ajahn Brahm | 08-07-2011 · 2011-07-09 · ▶ watch from 42:47 to 46:32 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia2011 telling: a Down syndrome hospital ('Fulbourn') near Cambridge, Thursdays, two years; his Christian friends drop out in weeks; the farewell presents made secretly by the other class, and he asks to come back since his exams weren't for weeks.
- Power of Kindness | Ajahn Brahm | 22 October 2021 · 2021-10-22 · ▶ watch from 1:38:29 to 1:39:39 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia2021 Q&A telling: Thursday afternoons at Fulbourn Hospital outside Cambridge; a young man with Down syndrome runs up and hugs him the day after he broke up with his girlfriend.
- Energy in our Body and Mind from Inspiration | Ajahn Brahm | 2 November 2018 · 2018-11-02 · ▶ watch from 18:58 to 24:24 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaNov 2018 telling (full arc): ego competition with Christian friends → keeps going alone 2 years → Down-syndrome friend hugs him after breakup → farewell presents; exams a week later so he asks to return. Nested 'emotional intelligence before Daniel Goleman'.
- Lower Your Expectations | Ajahn Brahm | 24 Nov 2017 · 2017-11-24 · ▶ watch from 26:34 to 27:38 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaNov 2017 telling (hug climax): night before breaking up with girlfriend; Down-syndrome friend hugs him, sensing he is upset — emotional intelligence before the term.
- Why? Is an Important Question to Ask | Ajahn Brahm | 1 January 2021 · 2021-01-01 · ▶ watch from 1:04:24 to 1:05:41 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaJan 2021 telling: Down-syndrome residents at (captioned) Forborn hospital; huge hug; they saw he had broken up with his girlfriend the night before — look inside, not at the outside.
- Understanding suicide | Ajahn Brahm | 06-02-2015 · 2015-02-08 · ▶ watch from 29:23 to 30:10 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaFeb 2015 telling: Cambridge; Christian friends volunteer at Fulbourn; Brahm keeps up with the Joneses — they last weeks, he stays two years with Down-syndrome residents.
- Why monks don't run? | Ajahn Brahm | 23 Dec 2016 · 2016-12-23 · ▶ watch from 29:58 to 31:00 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaDec 2016 telling: Fulbourn/Bond hospital volunteering; went because Christian friend went — spiritual materialism.
- Giving and Accepting Generosity | Ajahn Brahm | 26 February 2021 · 2021-02-26 · ▶ watch from 9:00 to 10:14 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaFeb 2021: Cambridge Christians volunteer; he keeps up with the opposition; two years every afternoon — needed to give.
- Inclusiveness | Ajahn Brahm | 17 March 2023 · 2023-03-17 · ▶ watch from 3:32 to 6:16 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaMar 2023: Cambridge Christians drop out; 2 yrs Down-syndrome volunteering; hug reads mood; emotional intelligence.
- Reasonable Resolutions | Ajahn Brahm | 2 Jan 2009 · 2009-01-25 · ▶ watch from 20:15 to 20:38 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaNY 2009: Cambridge volunteer OT with Down-syndrome kids (competition with Christian friend).
- Serve and Be Hopey · 2012-05-05 · ▶ watch from 5:31 to 5:54 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaServe talk: Down-syndrome youth hug — Englishman learning to receive male hug.
- Dhamma Talk | Ajahn Brahm | 28 April 2023 · 2023-05-23 · ▶ watch from 20:01 to 21:51 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaApr 2023: ego-driven Cambridge volunteering; Christians quit in weeks, he stays two years with Downs Syndrome residents.
- Buddhism and Human Resources | Ajahn Brahm | 22 June 2018 · 2018-06-22 · ▶ watch from 38:51 to 39:42 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaHR 2018: after breakup, Downs/volunteer friend runs up and hugs without a word — body language knew.
- Wie man mit Müdigkeit umgeht | Ajahn Brahm · 2020-01-11 · ▶ watch from 5:33 to 8:34 · Buddhist Society of Western AustraliaSame tiredness-talk telling: ego vs the Christians; occupational therapy unit; Down syndrome hugs after a breakup; Nobel laureates contrasted.
Caption notes: Manual (volunteer) captions; occasional misspellings kept as is.
The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version