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Story · Ajahn Brahm

'She's in denial'

As told by Ajahn Brahm in The Negativity of Positivity | Ajahn Brahm | 23-04-2010

3 min read

Content note: terminal illness; private (unnamed) supporter, possibly identifiable within the community

The story — as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

You remember, those of you, again, who have been long time, Ratana, this Thai girl, who really helped out our monastery in the early days, one of the close supporters, and she got lung cancer. And in hospital, I think it was the King Edward Memorial Hospital. She called me, she'd just got the diagnosis, the biopsy back. She had lung cancer, it was not curable, not much point of chemotherapy or radiotherapy, she's gonna die, she had four young children, the youngest was about, Joseph was about 8 or 9 at the time, roughly about that... So she called me. So... I was building at the time when I got the message, so I dropped whatever I was doing, got in th car, and went to the hospital. As soon as I went in to her room, there was a lady, who'd taken out the mental arrow. She was in the room laughing. And, just, you know, said, "Well, you know, this is what I want for the funeral, this is what I want to do." And, you know, she was so open about this, which was a wonderful refreshing thing to see that there was someone who'd been following these teachings for such a long time, and internalised them and there was a case you, just an hour before, been told you were gonna die, and there was no possibility of any... any recovery. She was so at peace, and so happy, laughing and cracking jokes. Jokes she said said, "When you go back to the temple here, "please tell all my friends, the Thai ladies, don't come to visit me yet. "Come and visit me later, when I'm in my box," she said, "That's when they can come and visit me." Laughing laughing all the time. So, you know we talked about the arrangements and everything, and then when I walked out of the room, not the nurse, not the sister, but the actually the matron, the actually the head nurse, was actually waiting for me, a very old nurse. And she said, "I'm so glad you've come. Can you come into my room, please?" "Yeah, what?", I said. "She's in denial. She's not admitting she's gonna die." "What do you mean? She's just been telling me all the funeral arrangements." "No, she's in denial. She's not crying, she's not screaming, she's not upset." And, that was a wonderful experience for me, because that was early on my life here, the first time I saw someone just not understanding. This was not denial, this was total acceptance, taken out the mental arrow. There was someone in a very painful situation, lung cancer. You know you gonna die, you gonna leave kids, you know, the youngest... And she didn't have a partner, she was a single mum, and she took it so beautifully. I had to explain to the sister, "Look, this is what the Buddhists are like. "Really the ones who have understood these teachings." She's taken out the mental arrow. It's a waste of time crying and screaming about it. Yeah, it is not usual, but it’s not denial. There was a person in a difficult situation, Who said "Let it be. Can't change it. Let's make the most out of this." And she died so beautifully. At the funeral I remember the doctor saying to us, "She died with grace."

▶ Watch Ajahn Brahm tell it from 43:25 (to 47:04)

A reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

Told she had weeks to live, a long-time supporter laughed, planned her funeral and joked with friends. The matron called it denial. Ajahn Brahm saw peace: let it be, can't change it, make the most of it. She died with grace. Facing hard news, fix what can be fixed, and make peace with the rest.

In brief (our summary)

A Thai woman, a great early supporter of the monastery, calls him to hospital: what she thought was hay fever is inoperable lung cancer, perhaps two weeks to live. He finds her laughing, at peace, arranging her funeral and joking that Thai friends should only see her once she's in her coffin. Leaving, he's pulled aside by the matron: 'She's in denial — she's not admitting she's going to die.' 'What are you talking about? She's just arranged her funeral.' It was the first time the matron had seen someone told they'd die be totally at peace with it.

Teaching point

A relaxed, peaceful mind can meet even a terminal diagnosis without overreacting.

When this story may help

  • terminal diagnosis
  • visiting the dying
  • facing death

Themes

Source & credit

Told by Ajahn Brahm in The Negativity of Positivity | Ajahn Brahm | 23-04-2010 · 2010-04-25 · ▶ watch from 43:25 to 47:04 · Buddhist Society of Western Australia

6 other tellings of this story

Caption notes: Manual (volunteer) captions; occasional misspellings kept as is.

The narrative is Ajahn Brahm's own telling, quoted from the talk captions. The summary and reflection are Being Mindful Stories's editorial notes. Please credit the teacher and link the original talk. Markdown version

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