The mangy dog who tried to run away

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• Who left the hammer out?

  In brief: Newly abbot and very strict, Ajahn Brahm finds a donated hammer rusting in the grass at Bodhinyana. He gathers the monks and scolds them…

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  One of my famous mistakes was, oh this is so embarrassing, but there was this one case many years ago in our monastery down at Serpentine. I was the abbot, I'd only just taken over from the previous monk Ajahn Jagaro, so and I was trying to do the best thing, and try to make sure our monks were really trained. And for those of you who don't know the way that the monastery is supported. You know, we don't have any cash as monks but people offer the things which we need, whether it's robes, whether it's glass of water, or glasses for my eyes, or whether it's the tools to build the monastery, whether it's the bricks to build that monastery, whatever. And because everything which we have as a monk is donated, even this robe I wear, was donated, don’t buy it yourself. I was taught to really respect everything which you are given. Even my robe, you know, I tore it on the aircraft a couple of weeks ago, so you don't just throw it away, just put a patch on it. Even my bag has got heaps of patches on it. Even though you get a new one, no no, patch it, because this comes from the generosity of all our supporters. We really want to make these things last as long as possible out of respect. So you can imagine what I felt when I was walking through Serpentine monastery and I saw a hammer lying in the grass, which was going rusty. Now obviously someone had left that hammer out there for quite a while, because you know, it had the orange rust on it. And I thought that's not acceptable, because someone, someone had saved some money up and brought a hammer to give it to the monks, to help build our monastery so you can come there and we can live there. So I was going to give a talk that evening and so I got all the monks together and instead of giving a talk on the subject I thought I was talk on, I talked on “looking after these things”. Now, all of the stuff which you are given monks comes from hard-working laypeople, and not everyone is rich, these ordinary people, some people are actually just on pensions and they still come and help and you must respect those people and their generosity. And you've not allowed to leave thing out in the garden to get rusty as if they're worth nothing. Yeah you never bought it but you got to respect these things. I was really tough on the monks, you know, not like I am now really laid it in. Actually the monks were all sitting dead straight. You know what it's like when you tell somebody off. Sitting dead straight and the colour was drained from their faces because I really hammering it with the hammer. And I didn't mean to say that, sorry, and when I finished the talk, you know, okay I gave them a hard time, but it wasn't that hard and I really thought that one of the monks, you know, the monk responsible put their hand up and say it was them. And no one would admit it, and that was the most disappointing thing of all. Okay leaving the hammer, that was a bad thing but not actually confessing and acknowledging and owning up, now that actually really hurt me. And actually I left that hall feeling very miserable and I thought that what type of monks am i living with? or maybe did I sort of shout at them too much that they wouldn't admit it? it was, actually only when I got out the hall, I actually understood why no monk admitted that they left the hammer there because I suddenly remembered who had actually left the hammer out there. It was me. I'd left it out there a few days ago. I meant it to come and collect it and put it away but I've totally forgot about it. Now fortunately, it was only when I scolded everybody else that I remembered who it was. And I had to go back in the hall, I said sit down again I've got something to say. It was me who left the hammer there. It’s very embarrassing but very good fun because it showed that even the monk said I make mistakes as well, I do stupid things. Now did I feel embarrassed? Really embarrassed about that? No, I thought wow this is another story I could use on a Friday night.

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• The one-shoe thief

  In brief: For weeks, people at the Friday-night talks kept losing shoes — but only ever one of a pair. Was it a one-legged thief? Then the owner of…

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  But there was the time here when people were losing shoes but it was really weird, it was only one, one shoe of the pair. And this was happening for weeks, it's a true story, we wondered what was going on? Was it a one-legged man? We're looking at all the people with one leg coming in here stealing shoes… [laughter] And then we found out the answer, it was actually the dog next door. [laughter] You were in here, the dog was coming in, he had some fetish for shoes, because the owner looked in its kennel and the kennel was half full of shoes from you people. [laughter] Look, the dog had just snuck up, taken a shoe back every Friday night and after only a couple of months of that, had a kennel full of shoes.

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• The two sisters: one with a husband, one without

  In brief: Two Thai sisters come for counselling. The elder can't stand her Australian husband and is considering divorce ('recycling'); the younger…

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  These two Thai sisters came one day to see me. Oh, I'll never forget this. They still come to feed us every now and again, but they wanted personal counseling. And so I talked to them and the elder sister first. And the elder sister said to me, he said, "Oh, you know, I've got a husband, a Western husband, Australian guy." He said, "I can't stand him." There's so much suffering and and now I'm just really wondering should I keep working on this? Is it really salvageable or should I sort of get divorced and try again? And you all know again I don't call it divorce anymore. I sped this word around in Singapore. They really liked it. We don't call it divorce. What do we call it in Buddhism? Recycling. Yes. It's a much much more positive word. So, and she was thinking of getting divorced. And so, I gave her some nice ideas about how to solve the problems in a marriage because it's not that hard to solve problems in marriage. Even as a monk, I can do that. Like, oh, this great story which just comes to my mind. Some of these are golden oldies, but you know, they're just great stories about this because actually the lady who told me this, you know, I was uh had lunch with her yesterday in Singapore. She told me that she was a bit of a marriage counselor in her early years and she had one client who came to her Singapore lady. She couldn't stand her husband because her husband was coming home very late at night. She was certain that he had a mistress. And so she told the marriage counselor, you know, actually I don't really need counseling. I just want to get rid of the guy. I want to divorce. I want to separate. Just help me get rid of him. And a marriage counselor was a very very smart girl. She said, "Look, if you divorce him now, do you think he will be happy or he'll be miserable?" And she thought about actually it's what he wants. He'd be really happy. And in your present state, do you want him to be happy? No, I want him to be miserable. So this is the plan. Don't get divorced yet when he, you know, doesn't like you. Go out and get a really good hairstyle. Go and get your face, you know, made up. Go and learn a bit more grooming. Go and get some sexy clothes. And when he comes home, just being really nice to him. Just cuddle him and see what happens. because you fell in love once, see if you can make him fall in love with you again. And when he does fall in love with you again, then divorce him. Yeah. Yeah. What a great idea. So that's what they did. She spent a lot of money just getting sort of uh uh face done up and nice hairstyle and what they call it, a makeover. A nice makeover. So she really looked much more attractive and every week go and see the marriage counselor. He started coming home earlier and earlier and earlier. He started becoming more affectionate towards her and they'd always ask how's it going? Yeah, he's you know he's becoming much more affectionate. It's really seems to be working. He's falling in love with me again. And then she missed an appointment. And so the the counselor called her up at home said, "You missed an appointment this week. What happened?" He said, "Oh, well, he's having such a lot of time. He's fallen in love with me. I'm sure of it." "Great," said the counselor. "Now's the time to divorce him." "Oh, no. We're so much in love now." Mission accomplished. Cuz all it is that sometimes is we have a little bit of problems in life, but there's always ways we can work it out. They fall in love with you once, why not try and fall in love again? Now do something like romantic. No, don't come. Honestly, don't come to the Buddhist society if you want to have a nice romance. You know, we're going to get soon another couple of months Valentine's Day. Go and get her a present. Like that one of my favorite jokes like the person who asked his his wife, he said, "Valentine's Day tomorrow, darling, what do you want?" And she said, "I need nothing. I've got you." He said, "Yes, but what do you want?" He'd been married long enough to know women. And so she looked at him and said, "Something, anything with diamonds in." So when she opened her present the following day, she found a pack of playing cards. It has 13 diamonds in it. So that's what you guys you can get for your your wife's Christmas present. A pack of play cards. Diamonds, darling. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Anyway, back to reality. So I told this lady, you've got husband suffering. That's what it's like having a husband. you ask other women and it's just it's a difficulty having a relationship. It's not easy but you know you can work at it and make it work. And the junior sister, this the younger one of course her problem was she was looking for a partner in life like many people do. They can't find one. You know they find someone who's just almost okay but then it just all goes pear-shaped. It doesn't work. And people keep telling me actually see all these girls coming up here say I just really need a partner in life. I'm looking for someone to go out with and share my life with someone I can trust. And see all these nice guys come up. I'm looking for a girl. I really should start a dating agency cuz I've got all these potential clients and they're all really nice people. I can't understand it cuz I've known some of these people for such a long time. Why can't you get on together? You I get on with you. Really nice people, really good people. But anyway, this is coming in in a few moments. But I told this lady said, "You you are looking for a husband, somebody you can share your life with. And your elder sister has got a husband she doesn't want. I can see a solution." And I actually said that they got very upset at me. I don't know why. It's logic. It's reason. Your sister's got a husband she doesn't want. a younger sisters and I wants one share. Isn't that what brothers and sisters are supposed to do? But then I told her, okay, you've got, you know, a single woman suffering. And I said, if you find a partner in life, you'll have what your elder sister have, married woman suffering. And so they actually understood that. They said, "Yeah, you're right. And if you're married, you have married woman suffering. If you're single, you have single woman suffering." So they thought they'd become nuns. And I said, "If you become nuns, then you have none suffering. Go and ask the nuns at Gijigan.

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• “Samsara sucks” — and the taxi's reply

  In brief: After a week of breakdowns, missing shower water and redone tickets, Ajahn Brahm writes “samsara sucks” with his finger in the dust on an…

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  so just a couple of days ago on the vehicle which we're using which somebody donated to us an old magnet car no one had watched the wind screen so I use my finger to write on there that samsara sucks Sam is a Buddhist samsar is a Buddhist word for sort of life and we were using that car to come in this afternoon and on the freeway we were behind a taxi and on the taxi there was an advert on the back and all the bugs saw it burst out laughing because on the advert it was if if you hear anyone say that life sucks send them to and i' just been saying that life sucked we didn't have see where you're supposed to send them to

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