The pipe ad that made beauty follow him

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• Nine years dreaming of fish and chips

  In brief: After nine years of NE Thai monastery food (frogs, snails, buffalo afterbirth), Brahm finally gets hot fish and chips after a funeral —…

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  I will tell fish and chips story now. This is my own experience okay? But I was in Thailand for 9 years. And the food there was absolutely disgusting. And I I You know, I told many stories about the food there. I mean, you know, you know, your dog wouldn't want to eat it. I'll tell you that because this was in the northeast of Thailand. Anything which slithered you had in your bowl. Literally. Now, what would it What were the sort of things? Not just like boiled frog, snails, lizards, uh grasshoppers, uh ants' eggs, um water buffalo afterbirth. That's what we ate. Disgusting stuff. So, you can you can im- You can im- You can imagine just, you know, just when I came to Australia, I can get fish and chips. You know. And I'd dream of fish and chips. Even I was a vegetarian but when I was dreaming of these things. But, I dreamt of it something and at last, after about a year or two here in Australia, I was doing a funeral service for somebody. And the timing was that I couldn't get back to monastery for the meal. So, Ajahn Jagaro, the other monk was an abbot at the time, so he said, "Okay, just get yourself something on the way back." This was my chance. I could get hot fish and chips, you know, in paper. The whole works was in the vinegar and salt, the whole works. Not like sometimes sometimes you get them in the monastery, but you put the chips and the fish in your bowl and then you have to put curry on top of it or the custard comes out. It's not not the same and it's all cold anyway cuz you have to give all these blessings. That's the worst part. If ever you come to the monastery and sort of, you know, see how the monks actually eat. You know, we go down there and the food is actually hot when it goes in your bowl. By the time you've given all these blessings and all this rigmarole, you're looking at it and it's all cold. This was the real thing, real fish and chips, nice and hot. And it was so disappointing. You know, for 9 years I dreamt of this moment. And this was it. What a waste of time

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• Singing the anthem of his own free will

  In brief: At a Cambridge psychical research society demonstration, a hypnotist puts a student in trance and tells him that when the hypnotist…

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  this was the the time in Cambridge psychic research Society every year we get a hypnotist to come up to teach us a uh a little bit about hypnotism and being students everybody was willing to give it a try I went up there but I was not a good hypnotic subject at the time and there's always a few of the students were really really easy to hypnotize and they do make them do silly things which you know being you know undergraduates 18 19 years of age was great entertainment but what they did to this one poor student put him totally in in hypnotic trance and after he was in trance the hypnotist said when I touch my right earlobe you'll get up and sing the British national anthem in full loud voice and then he said I'm going to take you out of Trance now but you remember that instruction and so he took him out of the trance and he went back to sit in his seat and we were waiting to see what would happen of course eventually the hypnotist uh uh touch his right earlobe and this young man in the middle of a just like you know of 300 students like 300 of you you imagine you just suddenly get up and sing the Australian national anthem in four what an idiotic thing that would be to do but this guy did it he sang the British national anthem beginning to end in a loud voice even all the students were were howling with laughter you know it was the most funniest thing I'd seen and when he finished he sat down and we'd all sort of settled down as well this fellow was not embarrassed at all and so the hypnotist asked him he said why did you decide to sing the British national anthem and this student he gave a logical reason and that was when I realized that that student he had assumed he had sung that Anthem out of his own free will there's no way that he could distinguish between what was hypnotic suggestion what we all seen he was conditioned to do that and what he took to be free will it wasn't free will that was implanted into him by the hypnotist even though it's the most ridiculous thing to do

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• The irresistible tobacco

  In brief: At Cambridge, a TV advert claims the aroma of St Bruno pipe tobacco is irresistible to women: an ordinary middle-aged man lights his pipe…

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  or like the famous one which I got sucked into when I was of all places at Cambridge University okay I'm supposed to be intelligent I'm not I'm stupid because this was for St Bruno tobacco advertising I always remember this one cuz the advert was on the TV that when you the aroma this was before we knew that sort of no tobacco was causes cancer the aroma of some Bruno tobacco was irresistible to the opposite sex and it was a crazy advertisement this ordinary looking guy you know not particularly big or strong or handsome this ordinary looking middle-aged guy was walking down the street and he took out a pipe and put this tuno tobacco in and lit it and as soon as he lit it he went past his like news agent shop and you know actually real news agent you don't get these drop drop dead gorgeous models working in it but there was one in this street absolutely gorgeous and as soon as she smelled the aroma she was totally Enchanted she jumped over the counter following this guy wining to do his every command then he went past another shop this gorgeous red head and then another shop after about 1 minute had his whole line of beautiful women following him some Bruno tobacco irr resistable now who would believe that you know who would actually take it seriously who would actually go out the next day and buy a pipe and some some Bruno tobacco I did and I knit it walked down the street expecting all these beautiful women to jump over the couch and follow me the only thing which fed me was a dog but I felt so stupid afterwards How could an intelligent guy supposed to be intelligent guy get sucked in like that

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• Banned from being president

  In brief: Ajahn Brahm asks a busy businesswoman to become president of the Buddhist Society of Western Australia; she says she has no time. So, 'out…

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  And I said some years ago we were trying to get you know the president of our Buddhist society and there was one person which I thought would make a very good pres president. She's not here this evening. It's Rachel in Aral group and she admits it is totally true. Now I approached her and said, "How about being the president of our committee if I bought a Society of West Australia next year?" And she, you know, she was running her own business and she said, "Look, I'm really busy. You know, my business is growing. I've got to give all my attention to the business. I just can't find the time." So she said, "No, it's very easy to get your own way as a Buddhist monk cuz I know psychology. I teach psychologists. You know, I know more than they do." So, even though this was a good business lady and she was supposed to be smart, but well, she is very smart. I say this cuz this is being recorded. I got to be very careful what I say when these talks are recorded. So, I said, "Look, now I'm I'm really compassionate." I said, "Look, I know you you probably go home and worry and feel guilty about this now that you've refused this offer of mine cuz I've helped you before and now I've asked you to help me and you can't do it. So to make sure you don't feel guilty about refusing this offer, I'm telling you here right now, I ban you from being president next year. Don't even think about it because if you do, I won't allow it. I'll ban you. I'll use everything in my power to stop you." She went home and she thought, "What do you mean banning me? He can't ban me. Who do you think? Who does he think he is? He can't stop me. I can do whatever I want." And so she nominated for being president. And she was president for 2 years and she admitted I got her. I checked her.

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