# 'She gave me the money and sent me'

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-weekend-retreat-wife-sent-him
- Themes: marriage, meditation, kindness, humour
- Life situations: marriage, making time for practice, family obligations

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

A man keeps asking his wife if he can go on a weekend meditation retreat; each time there's too much to do — shopping, cleaning, kids' sport, her mother visiting, the shed. Finally, fed up, she says 'Go on your stupid retreat.' He comes home soft, kind, helpful and not fault-finding. At the next retreat Ajahn Brahm asks whether he had permission this time. 'No — she just gave me the money and sent me.'

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

There was this guy, good old story. It's years and years ago, we had these weekend retreats; he always wanted to go on a weekend retreat. He told me this story. It's a beautiful story. And when there was a weekend retreat, he said to his wife, "Can I go on the weekend retreat?" "What are you talking about? We got to do the shopping, the cleaning, look after the kids, take them here. Go to the dentist, gotta mow the lawn. There's too much to do." You can understand that. You know, having a family, having a house, there's so much you have to do on weekends. So she said no. But he was very persistent. Any husbands here who wanna go on retreats, this is how it's done. [laughter] He asked next retreat, he asked again, "There's a retreat on, can I go?" "No, of course you can't go! Mother's coming this weekend. The kids need to be taken here and taken there to their sports and there's so much cleaning. You've got to clean up the shed. You promised to do that for weeks." Okay. And he was persistent. This is a trick. Guys. I never been married. But I know all about it, how it works. [laughter] One day he said, "Oh there's another retreat on." I don't know how many times he said this but, "there's a retreat on this weekend. Can I go?" She was so fed up with him. "Ok, you go on your stupid retreat and leave me with the kids on the shopping and the cleaning." He took that as a "yes" and went. [laughter] It's only for the weekend. She was really annoyed at him. But then when he came home, he came home, he was really changed, like soft and kind and lots of loving kindness, and not fault finding and peaceful and very helpful, you know, when you do your little chores in the kitchen. And they learn how to do this and cook that and she was amazed at the change in her husband. Just a weekend and what a most wonderful guy he was to live with. This is absolutely true. The next time there was a retreat, he came on a retreat. "And so, you've got permission from your wife to go on a retreat again?" He said, "No, I didn't have permission to go, she just gave me the money and sent me."

## Teaching point

Letting go of fault-finding makes a person wonderful to live with — and others notice.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

A man who'd begged permission to go on retreat came home so kind and helpful that next time his wife gave him the money and sent him. People notice when we stop finding fault. Imagine living with someone who simply appreciates the goodness around them. You could be that person for someone.

## Source

- [The Fault Finding Mind | Ajahn Brahm | 7 May 2021](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bekYLQ5buRQ) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 34:55 to 37:35: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bekYLQ5buRQ&t=2095s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Taking time to retreat | Ajahn Brahm | 27 July 2012](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2eKXvfsezQ) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 11:21 to 12:51: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2eKXvfsezQ&t=681s
- [Guided Meditation | Ajahn Brahm | 5 June 2021](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqElgBkQxb0) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 1:20:47 to 1:21:49: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqElgBkQxb0&t=4847s