# “I don't think I deserve so much happiness”

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-nun-did-not-deserve-happiness
- Themes: meditation, unworthiness, happiness, conditioning
- Life situations: spiritual practice, low self-worth

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

An Australian nun ordained in the UK visits Perth and comes right to the edge of the jhānas — immense bliss and power. Ajahn Brahm keeps teaching and encouraging her, at his wit's end as to why she can't go further. Then she tells him: “I don't think I deserve so much happiness.” To him it was like a dagger inside.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

And the classic story was of this wonderful nun, many years ago, who was staying at Bodhinyana monastery. It was during a Rains Retreat, I can't remember exactly, because it's a long time ago. And she was a brilliant nun, a great meditator. And because - I was like giving her interviews - and when her meditation got really hot (that was almost every day), she was coming out to me seeing incredible Nimittas, these beautiful lights which you see in your mind, it's really beautiful. And you're so close to the deepest of meditations. She was so close, but she couldn't get through to the next brilliant stage, the Jhānas. Really just going for it. And I was giving every piece of advice which I could, and it came to this - ‘Well I don't know why, I can't understand why it is you're not just going to these beautiful, blissful, freeing states of mind’. And then, on one interview, she told me. And it's almost like - I felt like I should burst out crying. She said her major problem was she thought she didn't deserve such happiness.

## Teaching point

Conditioning that we don't deserve happiness blocks the path; there is no entry fee to happiness.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

A nun on the very edge of deep meditation couldn't go further, and finally told Ajahn Brahm why: she didn't think she deserved that much happiness. He felt like crying. So many of us carry the same belief. There's no entry fee for happiness. When something good comes, let it in.

## Source

- [Give Yourself Peace, Kindness and Forgiveness | Ajahn Brahm | 29 January 2021](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--PPWbmzp6M) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 40:14 to 41:33: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--PPWbmzp6M&t=2414s

Other tellings of this story:

- [No Fear | Ajahn Brahm | 20-05-2011](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIMWm5JnNrE) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 41:06 to 42:14: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIMWm5JnNrE&t=2466s
- [Just Praise | Ajahn Brahm | 18-11-2011](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWpaj3Ptzic) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 4:23 to 4:54: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWpaj3Ptzic&t=263s
- [Guided Meditation | Ajahn Brahm | 28 May 2022](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6C5Y-iTABg) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 11:55 to 12:35: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6C5Y-iTABg&t=715s