# “You're taking away my grief”

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-mrs-grief
- Themes: grief, attachment, identity
- Life situations: prolonged grief, victim identity, loss of a loved one

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

After a talk at a grief-and-loss conference on letting go, a woman complains bitterly that Ajahn Brahm is taking away her grief — grief had become her identity and her source of support.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

But one of the women afterwards, after hearing my talk, came up to complain bitterly. Her complaint was "Are you saying I shouldn't grieve? Are you saying it's wrong to grieve? You're taking away my grief," she complained For her, she had associated with grief and she became Mrs. Grief whatever her name was. But that's her persona, that's who she was. And she would go to many of those conferences and she'd get a lot of support from her friends. That's who she was and she was not willing to give it up.

## Teaching point

“A person who lives too long in negativity becomes so associated, what in Buddhism we call ‘attached to it,’ they become it.”

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

Grief itself is not wrong. The soft warning is only this: if pain becomes your whole identity for too long, it is hard to put down even when it hurts. When you are ready, you can still be kind to what you have been through — and gently let the story of "I am my grief" loosen.

## Source

- [How To Be Positive | by Ajahn Brahm | 17 Oct 2008](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H94Dz4Iq2d4) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 20:33 to 21:25: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H94Dz4Iq2d4&t=1233s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Instead of Attachment | Ajahn Brahm | 04-03-2011](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L50xVM7wwss) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 33:10 to 34:42: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L50xVM7wwss&t=1990s
- [Entanglement | Ajahn Brahm | 17 March 2017](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfFCyORlZP4) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 36:24 to 37:03: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfFCyORlZP4&t=2184s