# “Oh, you poor thing”

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-mother-oh-you-poor-thing
- Themes: grief, social conditioning, death
- Life situations: death of a parent, comforting the bereaved, funeral

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

When Ajahn Brahm's father died, his mother was at peace — until a cousin came in with open arms saying “oh you poor thing,” and the floodgates opened.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

I remember even when my own father died that obviously I knew my mother so well but when my father died she knew he was going to die, you know he came very close many times, when he actually did die she was at ease, at peace with it. It was only when a cousin came in to the house and opened up her arms to my mother and said, "oh you poor thing", and of course that meant the floodgates of my mother's tears started coming. And I knew that if that cousin hadn't said that stupid thing my mother would be much more at peace with the death of her husband and my father. It was as if that there was a social trigger there, that you've lost your husband that you must cry, and that was pressed by this cousin when, before that happened she did not need to go on that path of grief.

## Teaching point

Social triggers can create grief that would not otherwise arise; we can offer different triggers.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

His mother was at peace with her husband's death until a cousin arrived saying 'oh you poor thing', and then the tears came. Grief is never wrong, but some of it is cued by what we're told we ought to feel. When you comfort someone, follow their lead. If they are calm, your calm presence may be the kindest gift.

## Source

- [Dealing with Emotions | Ajahn Brahm | 15-06-2007](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17_TtOysQOA) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 13:47 to 14:54: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17_TtOysQOA&t=827s

Other tellings of this story:

- [I Don't Own My Past | by Ajahn Brahm | 03 May 2013](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcSaCfuH-GU) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 51:39 to 52:04: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcSaCfuH-GU&t=3099s