# The note-swapping game

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-monks-write-notes
- Themes: feedback, self-perception
- Life situations: worrying what others think, giving feedback at work

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

Two monks each write what they think of the other and swap papers; neither guessed correctly how the other saw him.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

I remember playing this game once with one of my fellow monks about 32 years ago. We sat down and we wrote what we thought of each other and then we passed it to each other. It was amazing for me to listen to what another person thought of me. It wasn't what I thought he thought of me and what I thought of him wasn't what he thought I thought of him, completely different.

## Teaching point

“The way we see ourselves does not match how others see us” — so people sometimes need feedback (my translation).

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

Two monks swapped notes on what they thought of each other, and neither had guessed right. We rarely see ourselves the way others do, for better or worse. So when feedback comes, it's worth hearing, and when you give it, give it gently, with some honest praise first. Nobody knows how they come across without a little help.

## Source

- [Dealing With Difficult People | Ajahn Brahm | 28 Nov 2008](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jniaUr_7438) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 30:12 to 30:40: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jniaUr_7438&t=1812s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Having Positive Attitudes towards Everybody | Ajahn Brahm | 12 March 2021](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsIU4DM27nQ) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 1:00:55 to 1:01:27: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsIU4DM27nQ&t=3655s
- [O radzeniu sobie z trudnymi ludźmi - Ajahn Brahm [LEKTOR PL]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPz6-oAxM7Q) (Sasana.pl) — watch from 30:12 to 30:42: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPz6-oAxM7Q&t=1812s